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Firebottle
24-09-2018, 07:01
Slapper with a deformed arse IMHO, jeez I don't see this bum lift craze doing any favours for all the air heads about.
https://s3-eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/bluesword.public.html.bucket/faith/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/11123245/Arse-in-gear-rhino.jpg
Mike Reed
24-09-2018, 09:39
In my affluent youth I had a pair of trousers made entirely from spiders' silk. Couldn't wear them because the flies kept getting stuck.
After concerned Devon locals had contacted the police, it was discovered why two grave-diggers had been wandering around Totnes cemetery for so many hours. They'd simply lost the plot.
A sigh of relief was heard by fellow workers in a Leeds upholstery factory after they'd heard that their colleague, who'd earlier fallen into an industrial machine, was now fully recovered.
nonuffin
26-09-2018, 12:09
I was waiting to see the doctor in the waiting room and a young woman came in and said "Hiya Dom, what you in here for" I said "It's my cock".
My next door neighbour came in and he said "Hello Dom, what's your problem mate?" I said "It's my cock".
Wife's best friend walks in and says "Wotcha Dom, didn't expect to see you here, what's up? I said "It's my cock".
The receptionist comes over to me and says "Could you please stop telling everyone you are seeing the doctor about your cock, it's not very nice telling people that. Could you please refer to it as your elbow instead!"
My mate from work walks in and says "Hi Dom, what you in here for?" I said "It's my elbow". He then says "What's wrong with it?" I said "I have real trouble pissing out of it".
Last time I went to the doctor's the waiting room was really crowded, so the only place I could sit down was next to a heavily pregnant young woman. After 20 minutes I thought I would try to make some small talk with this young woman to help pass the time. I said to said to her "What are you hoping for?" She replied "It's me husband's".
mr sneff
27-09-2018, 21:43
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42604405_605937809808026_171820329885237248_n.jpg? _nc_cat=107&oh=95e8df1bdaba7317070ccb4856bd5548&oe=5C568CF0
MikeMusic
28-09-2018, 10:14
I empathise with you ! The name is vaguely familiar, but could be a footballer for all I know/care.
For a change, I ate three tins of alphabet soup for dinner last evening. Wish I hadn't, though, as it caused a massive vowel movement this morning.
I do wish I'd bought my baked beans on line, but Heinz' site is a wonderful thing.
Had a dodgy curry at my local last night and ended up paying for it with violent diarrhoea. With hindsight, I think the chap on the till would have preferred cash.
I have a weird audiophile friend who can only sleep comfortably on stacks of magazines. To be fair, though, he does have a lot of back issues.
A rich business friend of Sean Connery tried to buy some of his oil rights from him, but was told that they weren't for shale.
:lol:
Wonderful
Beobloke
28-09-2018, 11:52
I bought the new "Best of Prince" CD last night. It cost me £20 but I partied like it was £19.99
Mike Reed
28-09-2018, 19:57
Local band did a gig on an improvised stage in the market square. It collapsed half way through, causing cancellation and a few minor injuries. The manager said it was simply a stage that new bands go through.
A prisoner complained about his freezing cell from the draughts at his window so the warder put another bar on.
I had a long discussion with fellow writers about literature's past, present and future. It was a tense debate !
Audio Al
28-09-2018, 20:20
I bought the new "Best of Prince" CD last night. It cost me £20 but I partied like it was £19.99
:lol:
Crackles
02-10-2018, 04:52
http://i68.tinypic.com/2n7fchx.jpg[emoji1787]
Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181002/9e0d0177c2101aea1930cfab70699002.jpg
This may have been posted before, but it still gives me a chuckle!
Russell
Pigmy Pony
08-10-2018, 18:23
That would strike a chord with my neighbours.
Ali Tait
10-10-2018, 17:08
Har Har
https://i.imgur.com/I74x7F3.jpg?1
Firebottle
10-10-2018, 20:13
He he, that's amusing.
Maybe they could design it to not look like a garbage can :eyebrows:
walpurgis
10-10-2018, 20:28
He he, that's amusing.
Maybe they could design it to not look like a garbage can :eyebrows:
Perhaps they could restyle it to it look something like this?
http://i63.tinypic.com/e67qqc.jpg
Perhaps they could restyle it to it look something like this?
http://i63.tinypic.com/e67qqc.jpg
Someone already has:
http://www.vintagehificlub.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/AVANTGARDE-duorig-550x304.jpg
(though I believe they are obtainable in other colours.)
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181010/4467d0b2441bc8b04ab4dda9facdfee7.jpg
What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones
Pigmy Pony
12-10-2018, 18:03
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
Pigmy Pony
12-10-2018, 18:04
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
walpurgis
12-10-2018, 18:08
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
walpurgis
12-10-2018, 18:10
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Been reading this book on anti-gravity and I can't put it down.
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
[emoji23][emoji23]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Pigmy Pony
12-10-2018, 18:28
A bloke was out driving his brand new Bentley, and while sat at the lights, a scabby old Punto pulls up at his side.
Man in Punto shouts "Hey! you got a phone in your Bentley? I've got one in my Punto!"
"Yes, my Bentley has a phone."
I've got a fridge in my Punto. Does yours have a fridge? Mine does!"
Slightly annoyed the man replies, Of course it has a fridge!"
"I have a bed in the back of my Punto, I bet you don't have a bed!"
The man in the Bentley speeds away from the lights, and he's properly pissed off. He drives to a bed shop, and has a top-off-the-range bed fitted, with the best memory foam mattress with regulated temperature and silk sheets. He then spends the next five hours searching for the Punto.
Eventually he finds the Punto on a deserted car park, and all its windows are steamed up. He knocks on the window, but no reply. He keeps knocking and eventually Punto man opens his window, his head soaking wet.
"Hey, you horrible little man, I have a bed in my Bentley, and it's better than anything you'll have in there!"
"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
A bloke was out driving his brand new Bentley, and while sat at the lights, a scabby old Punto pulls up at his side.
Man in Punto shouts "Hey! you got a phone in your Bentley? I've got one in my Punto!"
"Yes, my Bentley has a phone."
I've got a fridge in my Punto. Does yours have a fridge? Mine does!"
Slightly annoyed the man replies, Of course it has a fridge!"
"I have a bed in the back of my Punto, I bet you don't have a bed!"
The man in the Bentley speeds away from the lights, and he's properly pissed off. He drives to a bed shop, and has a top-off-the-range bed fitted, with the best memory foam mattress with regulated temperature and silk sheets. He then spends the next five hours searching for the Punto.
Eventually he finds the Punto on a deserted car park, and all its windows are steamed up. He knocks on the window, but no reply. He keeps knocking and eventually Punto man opens his window, his head soaking wet.
"Hey, you horrible little man, I have a bed in my Bentley, and it's better than anything you'll have in there!"
"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
[emoji23][emoji23]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Crackles
12-10-2018, 18:39
A bloke was out driving his brand new Bentley, and while sat at the lights, a scabby old Punto pulls up at his side.
Man in Punto shouts "Hey! you got a phone in your Bentley? I've got one in my Punto!"
"Yes, my Bentley has a phone."
I've got a fridge in my Punto. Does yours have a fridge? Mine does!"
Slightly annoyed the man replies, Of course it has a fridge!"
"I have a bed in the back of my Punto, I bet you don't have a bed!"
The man in the Bentley speeds away from the lights, and he's properly pissed off. He drives to a bed shop, and has a top-off-the-range bed fitted, with the best memory foam mattress with regulated temperature and silk sheets. He then spends the next five hours searching for the Punto.
Eventually he finds the Punto on a deserted car park, and all its windows are steamed up. He knocks on the window, but no reply. He keeps knocking and eventually Punto man opens his window, his head soaking wet.
"Hey, you horrible little man, I have a bed in my Bentley, and it's better than anything you'll have in there!"
"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"[emoji23]
Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
hifilover
12-10-2018, 21:13
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
:lol:
Dad joke of the week right there :D
Went for a job interview today, was asked if I can perform under pressure...
Said no, but I can do a cracking Bohemian Rhapsody.
walpurgis
13-10-2018, 20:17
When I go, I want to die in my sleep like Grandad....................Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!
The mad murderous abbot of Chicago. Felonious monk
Hmmmm.....https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181013/d3d0e0f7e77a5638fd0e5e2cd71a68d0.jpg
Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
walpurgis
13-10-2018, 21:16
My wife called me childish. I told her to get out of my treehouse!
mr sneff
17-10-2018, 04:05
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/44226211_2238702129537334_685650640717742080_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=1&oh=8251ac2ac5065d1471b5687e88a769aa&oe=5C3BFAF7
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181023/677f23a65dda5269700ea3375ef611c1.jpg
http://i63.tinypic.com/2pzy8ur.jpg
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181023/061f58c48a3601626d5c12da0fcf39c7.jpg
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181023/a8ff57b6f0b9bba97d4b960249eeca6e.jpg
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181023/748124a80674e12701bb88397b897032.jpg
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181023/748124a80674e12701bb88397b897032.jpg
:lol:
One for Jerry
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181026/7a10ba24a2bb4dde47cb21cd74f771c1.jpg
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181026/7a10ba24a2bb4dde47cb21cd74f771c1.jpg
Brilliant! :)
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181026/7a10ba24a2bb4dde47cb21cd74f771c1.jpg
That indicates that the car has taken a dump!
Russ
Audio Al
31-10-2018, 15:05
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast.
The bartender looks at him and says, "F@&£ing hell! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The f@&£ing circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a f@&£ing big hole in the middle?" says the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the f@ck would they want a plasterer?”
Audio Al
31-10-2018, 19:31
True or false?
Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat ?
mr sneff
31-10-2018, 20:35
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/45153150_1237933776357379_3210120992969981952_n.jp g?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=36b521b152324ddb00acf4819d690d97&oe=5C3E0F44
Only a month and a half old, a woman takes a baby for his very first doctor’s visit. Upon examining the baby, the doctor says, “This child is thin, is he breast fed or bottle fed?”. And the woman answers, “Breast fed”. So the doctor instructs her to strip down to the waist, and she complies. He very professionally examines her breast, squeezing them and pinching the nipples, and then he says, “No wonder the child is thin, you don’t have any milk!”. She says, “I know, I’m the child’s grandmother, but I’m still glad I came!”.
Russell
mr sneff
27-11-2018, 10:09
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
good one David:)
Audio Al
27-11-2018, 13:06
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
A slightly different version of this is
" What's the only animal with a cu-t half way up its back ?
A police horse " :)
A slightly different version of this is
" What's the only animal with a cu-t half way up its back ?
A police horse " :)
whats a cu-t?
walpurgis
27-11-2018, 13:39
whats a cu-t?
Bit like a tw-t. :)
Audio Al
27-11-2018, 13:39
whats a cu-t?
insert a missing n
insert a missing n
Ah - you must be referring to Cnut the Great, the eleventh century king of England, Denmark and Norway.
Ah - you must be referring to Cnut the Great, the eleventh century king of England, Denmark and Norway.
I didn't vote for him...
I didn't vote for him...
I did
mad-moon
27-11-2018, 23:03
I was in Asda today....buying a loaf of bread....I could have sworn I seen Trumps name on the packet....till I looked closer and it actually said...Thick Cut....
I'll get my coat...
mad-moon
27-11-2018, 23:08
woman lying naked on the bed playing with herself....young son comes in from school and catches her....he says god mar...what's that....she says, that's where your dad hit me with an axe...caw what a shot says the young'un...right in the cu_t....
I didn't vote for him...
Was he leave or remain
mr sneff
30-11-2018, 10:40
https://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/uploads/monthly_11_2018/post-408-0-84757100-1543401266.jpg
mr sneff
30-11-2018, 10:45
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47071622_1265034806980609_7846072116330889216_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=43caea7c0f82c1bb48e6dc5bdd8220c1&oe=5CA0B061
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47071622_1265034806980609_7846072116330889216_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr3-1.xx&oh=43caea7c0f82c1bb48e6dc5bdd8220c1&oe=5CA0B061
classic
This is just wrong but funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fxxdqSNGEQ
mr sneff
02-12-2018, 20:41
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47367127_966364076907430_3338160479234162688_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=a86aad60ec570a3547d451d8f668f8ee&oe=5CB133F5
mr sneff
05-12-2018, 07:06
https://eatliver.b-cdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/superglue.jpg
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47367127_966364076907430_3338160479234162688_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=a86aad60ec570a3547d451d8f668f8ee&oe=5CB133F5
Oh - that's rather good. :)
Pigmy Pony
05-12-2018, 20:19
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47367127_966364076907430_3338160479234162688_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=a86aad60ec570a3547d451d8f668f8ee&oe=5CB133F5
Definitely looks whiter than the original release. I believe George Martin had to make do with Tide washing powder, whereas son Giles had access to the latest Arial pods.
What do you call a girl with a fried egg on one cheek, a rasher of bacon on the other and a cup of tea on her head?...……..Caffy
Beobloke
10-12-2018, 08:52
My boss said I could leave work early if I made up the time.
I said “It’s 20 past rhubarb. Goodbye!”
Husband:- Darling why do you never tell me when you have an orgasm?
Wife :- Dear you know I don't like ringing you at work.
A high court judge who's had far too much to drink is on the train home when he starts to feel really sick. All of a sudden he throws up all over himself. Worried what his wife will say when he gets home he creeps up the stairs and goes to sleep in the spare room. The next day his wife asks what happened so he makes up a story about a very drunk man on the train who upset everyone and when he challenged the drunk he threw up all over him. He had the drunk arrested by the police and is going to hear his case in court today and is going to throw the book at him. His wife gives him a very hard stare and says just make sure you do because he shit in your pants as well.
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190129/683e16f55110d49f9465001bd2f3b63b.jpg
Russ
Pigmy Pony
29-01-2019, 15:47
:lol: Quality
A middle aged woman was working at her drug store when she saw a young man come in. She asked him, “Can I help you with anything?”. And the young man replied, “I’ve had a constant erection for the past two months! And it’s driving me crazy. What can I get for it?”. The woman pondered for a moment and said, “how about $500 a week and 49% stock in the store?”.
Russell
Brandtlj
28-02-2019, 17:55
lol
Beobloke
28-02-2019, 18:06
A friend asked me if there was anything I particularly liked about Switzerland.
I said "Well, their flag's a big plus..."
A friend asked me if there was anything I particularly liked about Switzerland.
I said "Well, their flag's a big plus..."
Subtle - love it. :)
Yeah he s clearly the Tim Vine of A.O.S
Never mind about organic food at my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
Light Dependant Resistor
07-05-2019, 09:16
The saying "so hungry I could eat a horse" has added meaning when you add "and chase the jockey too"
Every Friday I do a work newsletter that goes out to all colleagues and has a "Friday Funny" in it - I have a bit of a reputation for passing on some real groaners this week's for example...
I ate at Mary Poppins restaurant the other night. Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/59943596_1414516568689711_1238064790253862912_n.jp g?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=224d9aa51718bad516f5992a0faca43f&oe=5D6EE3DD
mad-moon
18-05-2019, 10:38
The saying "so hungry I could eat a horse" has added meaning when you add "and chase the jockey too"
In a similar vein...He could eat 2 more tatties than a pig....and then eat the pig...
mad-moon
18-05-2019, 10:41
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/59943596_1414516568689711_1238064790253862912_n.jp g?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=224d9aa51718bad516f5992a0faca43f&oe=5D6EE3DD
That's not a Dinosaur...but it will make Dyna sore
That's not a Dinosaur...but it will make Dyna sore
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Dongosaurus? Dildodactyl? Knoberatops? Can't find it in my i-spy book!
mad-moon
18-05-2019, 11:19
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Dongosaurus? Dildodactyl? Knoberatops? Can't find it in my i-spy book!
could it be a fuctalotopuss?
Audio Al
18-05-2019, 15:12
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/59943596_1414516568689711_1238064790253862912_n.jp g?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=224d9aa51718bad516f5992a0faca43f&oe=5D6EE3DD
Matbe a Tranasoreass :)
walpurgis
23-06-2019, 08:31
Where can I get one of these made?
http://i64.tinypic.com/5klzya.jpg
:D
Audio Al
23-06-2019, 08:37
Where can I get one of these made?
http://i64.tinypic.com/5klzya.jpg
:D
Looks like a starter for a flux capacitor :)
walpurgis
23-06-2019, 08:54
Right first time Al. :)
Audio Al
23-06-2019, 09:09
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that,
Bye."
donmarrese
25-06-2019, 22:44
Classichttps://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190625/929b786dd5d348ec209496db612c5eaa.jpg
Sent from my ONE A2003 using Tapatalk
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Dongosaurus? Dildodactyl? Knoberatops? Can't find it in my i-spy book!
It's obviously a Gigaphallosaurous.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you, I have contacts…..
RobbieGong
08-07-2019, 14:06
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you, I have contacts…..
:lol:
A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with only one leg. It was a flop.
Pigmy Pony
08-07-2019, 18:13
I once took the kids to this zoo, but they had NO animals, just this funny looking little dog. It was a Shih Tzu. :(
Works better spoken than written.
I once took the kids to this zoo, but they had NO animals, just this funny looking little dog. It was a Shih Tzu. :(
That's the one I went to, and there was a baguette in a cage. The keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Pigmy Pony
08-07-2019, 18:54
That's the one I went to, and there was a baguette in a cage. The keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
:doh: Dough!
mr sneff
18-07-2019, 21:28
http://oi66.tinypic.com/xgjgo.jpg
http://oi66.tinypic.com/xgjgo.jpgGood one... Is there a camera in my house? Lol
walpurgis
18-07-2019, 21:39
+1 Good one! :D
Discopants
19-07-2019, 18:06
Boomhttps://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190719/952d168d61295b5ed5cde31d9be3da3f.jpg
Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk
mad-moon
25-07-2019, 20:55
David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.....
OK give us a clue mate, he says
Beckham says I had a glittering career at Manchester United, I married a Spice Girl and got over 100 caps playing football for England, is that enough?
Driver says....No you thick cunt... where to?
Discopants
25-07-2019, 21:50
Love is blindhttps://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190725/10585ee9d91468a3ff015bd3d73b7022.jpg
Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk
Q/ What do you call a Canadian popstar with a small penis?
A/ Justin Beaver
mad-moon
27-07-2019, 11:04
Q/ What do you call a Canadian popstar with a small penis?
A/ Justin Beaver
very good....I like short jokes...
Pepperamip
05-08-2019, 07:41
Sounds about righthttps://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190805/5df97694de84223431ec5133f50440bf.jpg
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jandl100
05-08-2019, 07:55
https://scontent.flhr2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67578458_10219830369019799_3701623177579855872_n.j pg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_eui2=AeF_9fAK3AtowdfVDMbNfHefnwz02X8KIcTbunnZq BIclpsAHYtGZ1_8DkPpvMTS5Zdu0Er2Edxy2lveYZkNBwzKHn5 UX8Q-8nA0-1N8pEosMg&_nc_oc=AQkjUtrnc_0d7KP8j8C8YS7ImIyvg0sS1i85Pea9rVw emYghr5z_u5I5vJ7MqCzqtOc&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-2.fna&oh=01f0a515e4f27470b0ee1d999e553a25&oe=5DE3A382
I was told I'd never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia, so far I've made a vase and two jugs that look really good.
mr sneff
10-08-2019, 13:54
Why sentence structure in English is so important...
The boss had to fire somebody, so he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went over to the water cooler right away to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like crap this morning...”
Audio Al
10-08-2019, 14:28
Why sentence structure in English is so important...
The boss had to fire somebody, so he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went over to the water cooler right away to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like crap this morning...”
:lol::D
Audio Al
10-08-2019, 14:29
:scratch:
jandl100
26-09-2019, 09:53
https://scontent.flhr2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70992142_10218267155344070_5295525269572943872_n.j pg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_eui2=AeHKB42YN1wQ6p-8y-d_8bBu2eiD0qSUk6Y143mIRYHCcIjWhCnNW6Cj1xv2R9LI1kHg LT87b3Fl5RRF1r5ld0H8CN28oq3zJgercA29Uo6myg&_nc_oc=AQkDteqQ31bhiVoZAaDwmB4aRp_B5mei-7-0qnDY2fZFG7aF6ltjDt0bTKbA6LXBcHI&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-2.fna&oh=5d756bd383a841e4b7ab4602230b26de&oe=5E36362D
jandl100
26-09-2019, 17:00
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/71143510_1048818788790420_8672035417303810048_n.jp g?_nc_cat=105&_nc_eui2=AeGVV52kB9RS2ut82QxhYeeRHKuMMJC0v-hKBqiw3C2GkIPDYaYeAz1_GIq8IadeC1JZoFk9AsVlhP4QaZel x1pFrqydDB3GcSzaaqAc0w0k9g&_nc_oc=AQnk7k3-BgpXEX7pFKxdTR1NdfzEwwVpwSw6dzCrtaZEVekamlfaSmzuzS 1M_dpp1Tc&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=22e7b117c1c556160f3e0a0bfb0e936a&oe=5DF8A9C1
Brilliant Jerry, both, but sending the “MAMIL” one to a couple of friends... :LOL:
RobbieGong
27-09-2019, 16:43
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/71143510_1048818788790420_8672035417303810048_n.jp g?_nc_cat=105&_nc_eui2=AeGVV52kB9RS2ut82QxhYeeRHKuMMJC0v-hKBqiw3C2GkIPDYaYeAz1_GIq8IadeC1JZoFk9AsVlhP4QaZel x1pFrqydDB3GcSzaaqAc0w0k9g&_nc_oc=AQnk7k3-BgpXEX7pFKxdTR1NdfzEwwVpwSw6dzCrtaZEVekamlfaSmzuzS 1M_dpp1Tc&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=22e7b117c1c556160f3e0a0bfb0e936a&oe=5DF8A9C1
:lol: :lol:
jandl100
28-09-2019, 04:50
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70041791_747650948989539_120707006427299840_n.jpg? _nc_cat=103&_nc_eui2=AeEp6Cv1ajWKXYWVxFLJj2VCi-4f0KoKOMOEmbviZVsOl6TZi_L5iUAv-1WXkYJCMDHdDuBwHNXKfj5tPHZI6PWcviXkPQrrddPjJgb3s-X8SQ&_nc_oc=AQm8WLjs6NwBmomYShy8zcLVsidqHT1kHH-BTQemSsOAjwBYtAibyeEBERYGYAp_W6o&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=d2ac9f80cf71b559255d4ac2d5d57aba&oe=5E009A70
jandl100
28-09-2019, 05:04
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70327751_10220707036252356_1118744611586572288_n.j pg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_oc=AQlY0Vjn1Tf8LrG7yB9q41b8wpDLDBrfWzqPyzI-ejfkdopAOIV5ky4XTmIR47lTBjs&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=a1a73a54b51bc352a4ccf62fec396ab4&oe=5DFF1AE3
https://i.postimg.cc/RVScmtFv/Screenshot-20191002-204453.jpg
Why indeed?
https://i.postimg.cc/5tbJKfgK/IMG-20190903-WA0008.jpg
Courtesy of Colin (Wonfor):
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67740580_10219482912280550_7482883217855348736_n.j pg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQkK_YUjsYUD-V9djAJGWCGUTSksGT4673-sTyA5g3L5ZjQ2e9kUAOSC9qr1nxJUjsI&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=04ccfbd0db393668fbe73e2d30bef559&oe=5E2BE197
mr sneff
15-10-2019, 20:42
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.
The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
There is nothing new in this world - what goes around, comes around. Here is the eighth post on this thread (made 21.03.08), courtesy of Marco
Meanwhile, here's a little joke-ette:
Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her. The landlord says:
"Oi mate you can't do that in here!".
The Rev replies: "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps".
The landlord replies: "Well if you're that far in you may as well finish!"
Marco.
I thought it sounded familiar.
Ha - that was a long time ago!:D
Confucious he say… Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Marco.
Audio Al
15-10-2019, 23:03
My ex wife was cought driving at 70mph down the A12 knitting :eek:
The police pulled along side on lane 2 a shouted " pull over "
My wife shouted back " No it's a scarf " :D
A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.
His wife said " he didn't suffer. It was instant."
https://i.postimg.cc/vZcLc6qW/IMG-20191018-WA0000.jpg
jandl100
21-10-2019, 14:21
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/74235572_10159040547116562_6566359522128953344_n.j pg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQl5S_2WSG35edKu_KhMHZAXyiddyeWwknXVKbyDJ21 DIiqbTU8LgXYg30iNWfC-oy8&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=2dba9e18795eb7905e02fc6056af0269&oe=5E1A6659
jandl100
22-10-2019, 07:51
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/74343474_2767015383364445_6705290465635205120_n.pn g?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQk147yDxxC6BDTtuIa5xZPHR92QtRpSTpQMOLwOatP lsUYJdlkkz57S86_97Pjj5Mw&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=32c925fda162c98596bd66b00040b24e&oe=5E61687C
Delboy talking about his school football team. We had Camaraderie.... Trigger.... Was that the Italian boy !
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/74343474_2767015383364445_6705290465635205120_n.pn g?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQk147yDxxC6BDTtuIa5xZPHR92QtRpSTpQMOLwOatP lsUYJdlkkz57S86_97Pjj5Mw&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=32c925fda162c98596bd66b00040b24e&oe=5E61687C
Not for me at the moment. It will do at the end of the year.
Audio Al
05-11-2019, 10:13
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens. Months of training wasted...
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens. Months of training wasted...
:rfl:
Wish I could use that one in my weekly work newsletter! Brilliant! :lol:
I've just started a new business clearing up leaves. I'm raking it in!
walpurgis
14-11-2019, 17:46
I had a bloke round to clear the drains, but booted him as he was just going through the motions.
Heard a joke about boomerangs the other day... escapes me for the moment... I'm sure it'll come back to me.
This made me laugh...
https://pics.me.me/things-got-worse-when-fergie-left-achests-theblack-eyed-peas-65618958.png
This made me laugh...
https://pics.me.me/things-got-worse-when-fergie-left-achests-theblack-eyed-peas-65618958.png
I had to think about that one!
mr sneff
20-11-2019, 14:54
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/0/e/0e3b1dfc2ea068fad166d02c5cb3f9d856721693.jpeg
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/6/f/6f5f161493041341b11b8cd6e380549e61f2ba15.jpeg
jandl100
29-11-2019, 08:51
https://scontent.flhr2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78125172_2437424609821613_4162023201896923136_n.jp g?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ohc=2FIh-S66JQIAQl50fO8O85xuPllK5QC9V6TE6nNVix0JQVllmQzfuI1 Og&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-2.fna&oh=4dba59dc72b680f7a316d6d826d62900&oe=5E7C12B2
jandl100
29-11-2019, 17:13
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/78684966_10158198998678689_8351933300029259776_o.j pg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_ohc=tNj06iZ4vvYAQmxlH-feHNdHBfKvaUIeNAS3DZke4_Nq1jchp1SQiRVaw&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=cf7a09e41767134139010046e3edef4f&oe=5E79CDF5
jandl100
29-11-2019, 19:14
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/76615048_10158190977653689_1574261008979984384_o.j pg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ohc=9xOHRVtRNYYAQlkaUQtwldbI2CLMFSQbShEla3jNEW ibk-Ykr4-sy_t3g&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=deacc5297c9360e9af161569190b3633&oe=5E8C5440
:lol: That wine holder, though... :eek: who in the marketing team thought that was a good idea?
:lol: That wine holder, though... :eek: who in the marketing team thought that was a good idea?
Oh, I thought it was quite funny. Mind you, as a design it could have been worse! ;)
walpurgis
30-11-2019, 23:27
https://i.imgur.com/vldCsRC.png
Curiously the placebo effect works even when the recipient knows it is a placebo. :scratch:
jandl100
08-12-2019, 08:04
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78377040_10157793963641552_1078872209679712256_n.j pg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_eui2=AeG9NIZaHb2cBMrjQgq_NqMPaZmgKqUvLcpCwQT8C W5-Fh-I0DGHVhNJR8vWEnCYj68QBLcdNYzaWAmz7Eoz3hWs1G2nJORwM Hpr1eiio-ImiA&_nc_ohc=acKA97p4KzAAQm6KhV_f59OMS7a9toEnmfDkX7U9Zs 5n-T_WnjC4X5r0Q&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=e71a8c00a9727d382d3b928a43366db4&oe=5E804B73
jandl100
08-12-2019, 08:05
https://scontent.flhr2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/79231704_10157371670755845_4075425923791323136_n.j pg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_eui2=AeEvntNjFDl57aQcxm0GK8uObqngopvq1Km52iVA3 C4xyWSU4m_Mo7dm-m3pvHccRAmmt8KmtUjXLXoRUpivLFxqg7f6s3bqMxtzjDaK0Zm dcA&_nc_ohc=y5N8ngVliLUAQlxko8uM79V1wq5R5Zb97JY2nROaU1 S0m97QPVAWu9uFw&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-1.fna&oh=8a8fe210231efb2042a19ad4b574d8dc&oe=5E6F6D68
Ali Tait
08-12-2019, 22:53
https://i.imgur.com/x9bcZRW.jpg
Ali Tait
08-12-2019, 23:18
https://i.imgur.com/9Aqp0tB.jpg
Ali Tait
10-12-2019, 20:49
https://i.imgur.com/s7366yw.jpg
jandl100
11-12-2019, 22:59
https://scontent.flhr2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/80262067_10157446105076357_5466273893448679424_n.j pg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_eui2=AeHzRhzOcHL6MIjUAwoJkqOGbHv-gXGGMICiqGqKlUxBXo8JwFsiwcq6xsPU0_te0TPCSYlesrJa5H JLQ_FuwiDDUjLd8eNW7-UQSdvHSt-5lg&_nc_ohc=seWNjBE_8-0AQlvKeqTBHr4F9yufrDhqHIAhYJx7wIGylC-M4Zu3LVKkA&_nc_ht=scontent.flhr2-2.fna&oh=9a94c117efe519683a66c3b15a1b1fe0&oe=5E75F892
mad-moon
17-12-2019, 13:14
probably an old joke...but so true....
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the working class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
Ali Tait
23-12-2019, 20:53
https://i.imgur.com/MKn31It.jpg
Ali Tait
23-12-2019, 20:55
https://i.imgur.com/bAz3ypG.jpg
mr sneff
08-01-2020, 17:33
A man calls up the White House and informs them he wants to be the next President of the United States
The person answering the phone berates him: "Are you an idiot?"
The caller is silent for a while then answers: "Is it compulsory?"
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming:
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree. "Wow! I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said. "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward the island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking the other guy had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, unconscious.
They went over to her and discovered she was alive.
One said to the other. "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know, screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked. "Out of what?"
Excellent stuff Mad - moon :lol:
https://i.postimg.cc/Kj0rpj0B/kirk.jpg
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before !!!!!
Thought it apt for here !! :eyebrows:
Only another ten years and I'll have forgotten going to Weatherspoons; then again probably no bad thing:D
There are many reasons why one should avoid Weatherspoons as a pub/eatery - not least the flagrant pro-Brexit propaganda by Tim Martins written on the back of their menus.
Pigmy Pony
16-01-2020, 17:03
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before !!!!!
Thought it apt for here !! :eyebrows:
:rfl: Nice one Anto, and spot on! The 60 year old one is me all over. I'll try to remember this one, though I'll probably have to write it down. I'd say Wetherspoons is a forgettable experience at any age ;)
A Brummie walks into a tailors and says 'Alroit mate, o'id loike a 70s suit please'.
The tailor saays 'certainly sir - would you like a kipper tie with that?'
The Brummie says 'Thanks mate - two sugars please!'...............
A man goes to the dentist and says "I'm in a lot of pain. I think I have Ultravox Syndrome."
"I've never heard of that," says the dentist. "Where's the pain?"
"Mid-jaw" he replies.
The dentist says 'that means nothing to me'........
:rolleyes:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday !!!!!:D
You're on a roll there Anto! :lol:
mad-moon
12-02-2020, 00:13
Sean Connery was interviewed by Parkinson, and bragged that despite his elderly years, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with you. Let’s go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and my cock in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that wash wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my ballsh in your left hand, and my cock in your right hand." Cilla is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your cock in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I slept with a shcouser, she shtole ma wallet."
Beobloke
25-02-2020, 13:17
A priest, a bishop and a rabbit go to give blood. When they get there, the rabbit says to the nurse "I think I'm a Type O"
Audio Al
27-02-2020, 12:58
I just heard they won't be making yard sicks any longer
Audio Al
27-02-2020, 13:00
One day Youtube Twitter and facebook will join together and be called
YouTwitFace :)
Audio Al
27-02-2020, 13:03
Free tip
Never buy a Labrador , As 90% of the owners go blind :eek:
Audio Al
27-02-2020, 13:06
Two blonds were driving to Disneyland , The sign said Disney left so they both started crying and went home
Audio Al
27-02-2020, 13:13
The wife asked me to go to Asda to get something to go on her pancakes tonight,
I came back with a bra.
I’m writing this from the shed...........
mr sneff
27-02-2020, 13:21
In order to achieve their nightclub 'high', Yorkshire clubbers have taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes. This procedure is known locally as 'E by Gum'.
Very good -Mr sneff and Al !!! :)
I was in the pub earlier when out of nowhere, my best mate announced he was setting off on a South Pole expedition in the morning.
I said, "FFS pal, when did you plan this then?"
He said, "When the wife found a balaclava and ice axe in the wardrobe!"
I splashed out on some new lingerie in Ann Summers...
Now the assistant says I have to pay for it!
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
Just renewed my car insurance over the phone, and as I was about to hang up the lass on the other end asked if I had a pet. I said, "I've got a dog."
She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "no, he can't drive!"
Ha ha
Jokes about sugar are very rare
Jokes about brown sugar ? dem are rarer
And finally :)
I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.
The doctor said, "Just shake your head."
I asked him, "How often?"
He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat git!"
Thats likely to be me lol
RobbieGong
01-03-2020, 18:45
Ha ha
Jokes about sugar are very rare
Jokes about brown sugar ? dem are rarer
:lol:
mr sneff
03-03-2020, 21:43
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/d/4/d4d880c4bd08807c2af80d6210df63ee23c386c4.jpeg
Made in 1968
03-03-2020, 21:53
A Bloke trying to impress everyone with his possessions yet has the worse taste imaginable.. How that exercise then is suppose to works i have no idea.
ofc its a joke or more the fact he is.
I had to look twice at the photo to see the 'joke'.
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200305/307cf59177eb7d4c9c5480a0d03311f3.jpg
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https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200305/94c3c017d3ccadfa85e3cc7a7cdc6dc0.jpg
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https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200305/6f0a6b4b5b75188f551c6ab94805d51d.jpg
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Win 2 tickets to see Rangers vs Bayer Leverkusen in the Europa League...
second prize, Win 4 tickets to see Rangers vs Bayer Leverkusen in the Europa League.
:rolleyes:
Hearing of the shortage of toilet rolls, my local shop is now selling them only to regular customers.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet!"
mr sneff
10-03-2020, 04:42
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26.
The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Beobloke
10-03-2020, 08:28
I’m a bit worried today as I can’t stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs.
I think I may have Croonervirus.
Audio Al
10-03-2020, 11:43
I’m a bit worried today as I can’t stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs.
I think I may have Croonervirus.
:lol::D
Doing my weekly shop in morrisons today. I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.
Walking back to the toilets with my pants and trousers around my ankles was a walk of shame........
During my check up I asked my doctor 'Do you think I will live a long and healthy life then?'
He replied 'I doubt it somehow - Mercury is in Uranus right now'.
I said 'I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense'.
He replied ' neither do I but my thermometer just broke'.........
old ones are the best ones :D
Beobloke
10-03-2020, 23:08
I’ve just checked my bank account and all my money is now in Swedish currency.
I think I’ve got Kronervirus.
walpurgis
10-03-2020, 23:17
old ones are the best ones :D
So my wife tells me. I remain unconvinced.
Discopants
11-03-2020, 00:11
Wife was cleaning 12 year old sons bedroom, when she finds a load of serious fetish gear and bondage mags. She asks her husband “what do we do?”
Husband says “I’m no expert but whatever you do don’t spank him.”
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Very good Discopants:lol:
Discopants
12-03-2020, 23:24
JOHN TRAVOLTA SUSPECTED OF HAVING CORONA VIRUS.
John Travolta was hospitalised for suspected Covid 19 but doctors now confirm it was only Saturday night fever, and they assure everyone that he is staying alive.
Apparently he was diagnosed because he had chills that were multiplying.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
JOHN TRAVOLTA SUSPECTED OF HAVING CORONA VIRUS.
John Travolta was hospitalised for suspected Covid 19 but doctors now confirm it was only Saturday night fever, and they assure everyone that he is staying alive.
Apparently he was diagnosed because he had chills that were multiplying.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
:lol:
mr sneff
13-03-2020, 04:28
https://sadanduseless.b-cdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/quarantine.jpg
I hear that all staff and passengers at John Lennon airport have been placed under quarantine.
Imagine all the people.
Beobloke
13-03-2020, 09:13
The British Government are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, it is anticipated that the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The British have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
In addition, the virus has now been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Ruddy Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “A Ruddy Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Right Pished Off” to “Let's Get the Bassa”. These are the only two levels they have.
Firebottle
13-03-2020, 13:00
Brilliant, stiff upper lip and all that. :lol:
Boris Johnston on who gets the respirator..
"Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again!"
Audio Al
14-03-2020, 16:53
Boris Johnston on who gets the respirator..
"Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again!"
Errr no thanks :eek:
Discopants
16-03-2020, 01:17
The British Government are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, it is anticipated that the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The British have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
In addition, the virus has now been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Ruddy Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “A Ruddy Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Right Pished Off” to “Let's Get the Bassa”. These are the only two levels they have.
Lol
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Beobloke
16-03-2020, 13:11
In light of recent Coronavirus issues and the problem of people bulk-buying, a number of supermarkets have introduced limitations on purchases as follows:
Asda: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls max.
Tesco: 1 Hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls & 2kg rice.
Co-op: 1 Hand Sanitiser, 12 rolls toilet paper, 1kg rice.
Lidl: 2 Trumpets, one diving suit & one MIG welder.
Audio Al
16-03-2020, 13:46
In light of recent Coronavirus issues and the problem of people bulk-buying, a number of supermarkets have introduced limitations on purchases as follows:
Asda: 2 hand sanitisers, 24 toilet rolls max.
Tesco: 1 Hand sanitiser, 18 toilet rolls & 2kg rice.
Co-op: 1 Hand Sanitiser, 12 rolls toilet paper, 1kg rice.
Lidl: 2 Trumpets, one diving suit & one MIG welder.
:D
A woman is alone at home when there is a knock on the door.
Opening it, she sees a man standing there.
“Do you have a vagina?” He asked her.
Shocked, the woman slams the door in his face.
The next day there is another knock at the door. The same man is standing there.
“Do you have a vagina?” He asks again.
For the second time, she slams the door on him.
Later that night, she tells her husband about the man.
“Ok.” He said “Tomorrow I will stay home and if he knocks again, say Yes this time and we will see where this goes”
Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door.
The husband whispers “I’ll hide behind the door whilst you answer”
Opening the door, she is not surprised to see the same man
“Do you have a vagina?”
“Yes I do” she answers
“Good” replies the man “Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Man walks in to a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey
“Wow,” says the barman “you got problems?”
“Yes” says the man “ I’ve just found out that my best friend is gay.”
Next day, the same man walks in and orders 12 shots
“Now what?” Asked the barman
“Just found out my son is gay” answered the man
The day after the man walks in and orders 15 shots.
“Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?” Said the barman
The man looked up from his drinks
“Apparently my wife does”
Keep 'em coming Anto,
We all need a bit of a laugh at the moment. :)
Ali Tait
19-03-2020, 14:32
https://i.imgur.com/CneGIST.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/h8FU9Hf.jpg
https://www.facebook.com/BeyondtheBrickTV/photos/a.389602044427572/2784978818223204/?type=3&eid=ARDLRd6V477KIRxG4EDWwA71HwQpKUTOkqdW5t9Io4UrDZ LlGIWr2y1wtQwX-Su5G2Nf1MMCEYA0GvLM&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARDMotGpQyDMP6ipRERfS_o9kp7Xy-X_0wwJQ33ws1rYusyfpSqt1kSUQcFkh8XVfXCV6mJCzj1DdVWt 6-WTzt7uK4LlahYsw1-5MRn7IDsH2qAQ_0LCzrLcmkBcITWIUCE8uT6c5wEoi6EjDI4Ju L_CaUDbaTPOjtKiUjCvwkpDja5yfHUnI5XDzYqAxmNXIl0hmnA I-zElPugntfJ18Niae4t8zDnQ6KK6jiRUxtpQnn0M9JpfgSR-QP8azOOlc3gMQHRoQ_XW8YytsIC5iyVt5Jr-4TBUs8g4nIpZruFgpDm5bwNZMONcGJsRx6YghT_x0v8lAaB2E3 bWFjG0RVU86Dls1r8trszGWBGLBhO9Lcsq&__tn__=EHH-Rhttps://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90605844_2784978821556537_4022030228942487552_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=L9QUfpVqTR8AX8UzeCg&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&oh=8d44749100f2ab6049d10a262c3077b2&oe=5E97A2C9
Ali Tait
19-03-2020, 19:17
https://i.imgur.com/JgZf3HL.jpg
Firebottle
19-03-2020, 20:46
Cracking still!
Ali Tait
19-03-2020, 21:05
You need to be a Fast Show fan for this one-
https://i.imgur.com/Z65dIbg.jpg
Tesco's out, Aldi next-
https://i.imgur.com/dlT4ofB.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/eh60Svy.jpg
Thought id add a couple that made me chuckle
The wife's mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the waiting room she spotted her son in law. Unbeknown to her he was listening to the cricket on his ipod.
hows it going " she asked anxiously
"not bad" he smiled "they've got 4 out and there's only 1 to go."
"Aaah she screamed and fainted :)
Johnnie asked for time off because his wife was going to have a baby. The following day his boss asked him what it was a boy or a girl.
"too early to say"" said johnnie "it'll be another 9 months before we know the answer to that."
mummy, mummy, what are you doing?"" exclaimed the little boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on daddy.
"just flattening daddy's tummy mum replied.
""I wouldn't bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will only blow it up again.""
Had to add this one few members will agree with it.
"Mr O'Malley, you are up before this court for being drunk and disorderly. Do you have anything to say in your defence?"
"yes your honour. I fell into bad company i met some non-drinkers in the park."
"But why should that be bad?" asked the judge
""I had a bottle of whisky with me and i had to drink it all myself."
They said a mask and gloves would be good enough to go to the Supermarket during the Covid 19 outbreak.
They lied - everyone else had cloths on as well......
All sporting events cancelled but live boxing can be seen at Tesco, Morrisons, Aldi, Lidl, Sainsburys, and Asda!
This is getting serious now, what's going to close next, Katie Price's legs...?
This is getting serious now, what's going to close next, Katie Price's legs...?Oh please do [emoji18]
The judge turned to the farmer and said "Mr. Brown you are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you were heard to say to the policeman that you'd never felt better. Can you explain this to the court.
The farmer replied "it's like this your honour, at the time of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and seeing it was so badly injured he shot it. Then he went over to my cows and when he saw that they had broken legs, he shot them as well. So when he asked me how i felt, I thought it was a good idea to tell him id never felt better."
Two couples got married on the same day and ended up in the same hotel for their honeymoon.
One evening, the girls having already gone to bed, the two men had a couple of drinks together in the bar. As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John. Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results.
“Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times” said Geoff at breakfast time. “What about you?” John replied, “34 times.” “What!!” exclaimed Geoff. “OK, double or nothing, let’s see what happens tonight.”
The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered. “7 times,” he said to John. John laughed. “You lose again, 48 times for me.” “Well that’s unbelievable, how do you manage it?” “Listen, I’ll show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That’s one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That’s two…”
Two nuns are cycling down a narrow cobblestone street when one says to the other, “I haven’t come this way before.” “Neither have I, it’s the cobbles you know,” the other replied
Audio Al
22-03-2020, 06:14
One nun says to the other nun " Where's the candle " Nun 2 replys " Yes it does doesent it "
Audio Al
22-03-2020, 06:15
Two couples got married on the same day and ended up in the same hotel for their honeymoon.
One evening, the girls having already gone to bed, the two men had a couple of drinks together in the bar. As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John. Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results.
“Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times” said Geoff at breakfast time. “What about you?” John replied, “34 times.” “What!!” exclaimed Geoff. “OK, double or nothing, let’s see what happens tonight.”
The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered. “7 times,” he said to John. John laughed. “You lose again, 48 times for me.” “Well that’s unbelievable, how do you manage it?” “Listen, I’ll show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That’s one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That’s two…”
Dont give up your day job will you ;)
sorry it the sad ones that tickle me like
The pompous club pro was challenged to a round of golf by one of the less experienced members for a prize of £100.
The pro, smiling to himself, immediately took up the challenge, “but,” said his partner, “as long as you agree that I can have two ‘geronimos’.” Not knowing what these were, but confident in his own ability, the club pro agrees.
At the end of the round, the other members are astonished to see the pro handing over £100.
“We can’t believe it” they said. “What happened?” “Well, I was just swinging my club down for the first hole, when my partner grabs me by the bollocks and shouts ‘geronimo’.” Imagine trying to play the next 17 holes, waiting for the second one.”
So this moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The podiartrist asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. It just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same digusting, snivelling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to put an end to it all. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'Then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. I don't understand the sudden change of heart, but who am I to ask. I'm so lucky...
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
BLONDE Jokes!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
And save the best - till last :D
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier:
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like sh!t."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."
Thanks Pete - Hope youre keeping ok mate? Did your shop come ok ?
My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning...
I love felt tip pens!
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