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https://dai.ly/xxp0w7
Not heard this for years. Nice to have it with pictures lol... Might offend someone :rolleyes:
dave2010
18-07-2016, 18:51
He's just started ....
msg 1000
Where on earth did that come from?! lol!
Eagle owl
27-07-2016, 18:52
LMAO :lol:
icehockeyboy
07-10-2016, 08:43
You know what really boils my piss?
The high setting on the microwave.
Audio Al
12-10-2016, 02:44
18184
That put a smile on my face. :)
Two wind turbines in a field. One asks the other 'Do you like music?'
'Yes', replies the other, 'I'm a big metal fan'
https://youtu.be/neLn8iQWYxE
Some hilarious pictures that give you a double take
rigger67
29-10-2016, 12:51
http://tinyurl.com/jfa2kru
http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161030/193f15501323b0e76e7d6daf817ae81f.jpg
Firebottle
30-10-2016, 20:27
Sad git, why can't he choose his own music :scratch:
:rolleyes:
Firebottle
31-10-2016, 18:01
This is tragic in reality, but you can't help seeing the funny side ....
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3890202/Patient-seriously-burned-breaks-wind-operation-surgeon-s-laser-ignites-gas-Tokyo-hospital.html
One cant help but laugh when its not you or yours ;), but its the dangers they dont tell people. The wife had that op years ago, and it infected her internally. she got poisoned by fumes from a faulty laser gas extraction pump.
Bet it gave the doctor a fright :stalks:
walpurgis
02-11-2016, 19:01
I just stumbled across this: http://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/london-stereotypes
Pretty accurate and funny. Especially if you know London.
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj205/anthyyyyy/14992038_808120029331055_5074785713385372912_n_zps rxkdfqhb.jpg (http://s273.photobucket.com/user/anthyyyyy/media/14992038_808120029331055_5074785713385372912_n_zps rxkdfqhb.jpg.html)
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj205/anthyyyyy/14992038_808120029331055_5074785713385372912_n_zps rxkdfqhb.jpg (http://s273.photobucket.com/user/anthyyyyy/media/14992038_808120029331055_5074785713385372912_n_zps rxkdfqhb.jpg.html)
:rfl::rfl::rfl:
Think we all know him ;)
walpurgis
06-11-2016, 21:31
That yours Anto? :D
That yours Anto? :D
Cheeky!!!;)
http://youtu.be/48laJC8wYl4:lol:
Passed a jewelers shop in the high street today with a sign saying 'watch batteries £3.50'
What a rip off! I've plenty at home I can observe for free.
Passed a jewelers shop in the high street today with a sign saying 'watch batteries £3.50'
What a rip off! I've plenty at home I can observe for free.
Heard the same shop was giving away their old used batteries for free too?
Free?
Yeah...no charge.
Eagle owl
30-11-2016, 05:55
I've just pulled up on the drive to see a thieving b*stard run out of our back door and jump the fence.
The wife must have put up a good fight though, she was naked, drenched in sweat and could hardly walk.
On Saturday my friend underwent a painful procedure that required him to have his spine and both testicles removed.
Still, he got some great wedding presents though.
Spoke to our postman today who said he's going on holidays to Spain. He didn't seem impressed when I suggested he goes to Parcelona.
I guess the secret to a good postman joke is the delivery.
http://youtu.be/Q_En82LPnCk
http://youtu.be/On9k_UsPGPA
Great gags in this still game 5 minuter .:D
https://youtu.be/YFv3z3p4Qes?t=163
Yo Richie, don't get what's funny about all that dancing pish! :scratch:
Marco.
:popcorn: :popcorn:
Marco.
Audio Al
13-12-2016, 00:59
What do electric trains and women breasts have in common ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They where originally intended for children
but its the men who play with them the most. :D
Yo Richie, don't get what's funny about all that dancing pish! :scratch:
Marco.
Are you kidding me?
It's just folk dance of various kinds with techno put on it. Cracks me up every time. My sense of humour can be a bit odd like. I don't really go for as much toilet humor or smut as others do.
http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/11/07/tattoo-terror-lands-rotherham-pair-in-hospital/
:D
10*stars* Anto. hilarious ;)
walpurgis
15-12-2016, 22:17
Did you notice this in there too?
http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/11/16/man-with-one-leg-wins-arse-kicking-contest/
I did, and you have to feel for Maureen Todd from Ingshead Avenue, who ordered the new sofa from Shit Stuff On Tick in Parkgate two weeks ago and isnt getting it b4 xmas... a social disaster apparently :D
walpurgis
16-12-2016, 10:45
http://i64.tinypic.com/1ju5vp.jpg
walpurgis
16-12-2016, 11:16
http://i64.tinypic.com/5b2rv4.jpg
All this talk of beard amps reminded me of this classic
https://youtu.be/bU64GI0Aj3A
Did you notice this in there too?
http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/11/16/man-with-one-leg-wins-arse-kicking-contest/
Although, maybe this one is too close to the truth to be funny?
http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/12/05/rotherham-speed-reduction-scheme-hailed-major-success/
Firebottle
19-12-2016, 19:31
Too right Peter, too close to the truth :mental:
walpurgis
29-12-2016, 20:49
http://i66.tinypic.com/vry1b9.jpg
Stratmangler
30-12-2016, 22:26
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/cp0/e15/q65/p320x320/15780972_1348692978485245_5863534442100635294_n.jp g?efg=eyJpIjoiYiJ9&oh=0f12897a8b8d951043317ed12e83e893&oe=58DB0158
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj205/anthyyyyy/15622398_1222188007860670_8275927625969582272_n_zp sprsvlrg4.jpg (http://s273.photobucket.com/user/anthyyyyy/media/15622398_1222188007860670_8275927625969582272_n_zp sprsvlrg4.jpg.html)
Firebottle
31-12-2016, 17:41
It would be funny if someone also fitted a small bomb. Adams = c**t, but not useful.
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/cp0/e15/q65/p320x320/15780972_1348692978485245_5863534442100635294_n.jp g?efg=eyJpIjoiYiJ9&oh=0f12897a8b8d951043317ed12e83e893&oe=58DB0158
Ha - that applies to the hot air spouted by ANY politician, especially if they're Tory - and they also spout shit from the other end! :D
Bring on SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE - the sooner, the better!! :yay:
Marco.
dave2010
09-01-2017, 10:46
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
Next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.
He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!!"
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS"
Toyah Wilcox and Jonathan Ross break into a distillery.
Jonathan asks "Is this whisky?"
Toyah replies "Yeth, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
Abe Cohen visits Poland to trace his family roots. Returning to their home town he recognises places from his late grandfather's many stories and wanders for hours imagining how things must have been when they formed a ghetto.
His grandfather told how, when forced to flee, they only had time to take what they could carry. A few personal items and the clothes they wore was all and he always regretted not collecting his best shoes from the local cobbler. They had been his wedding shoes and held great sentimental value not to mention they'd been expensive already.
Spotting a small shop in an alley he investigated. Peering through the grimy window he spied a dark and dusty interior. Shelves housed dozens of pairs of shoes bearing hand-written tags with the owners names. An old man hunched over a bench at the rear, his mouth full of tacks he tapped away with a small hammer. Surely not? Could this be the place which his his grandfather had described so many times over the decades?
The door tinkled as he entered and Abe approached the counter. Without looking up from his work the old cobbler asked "Vot do you vant?". Abe told his family's story as the man tapped away and finished by asking if he'd known his grandfather. At this the cobbler paused, tilting his head slightly. "Black Oxford brogues?" he asked "Size nine and a half, slight vear on the left heel vere the owner turns their foot out ven they valk?". Absolutely amazed Abe could only answer in a voice choked with hope and emotion "Yes........er, yes! That's them!".
"They'll be ready Vednesday"
When i were nobut a lad,we wer very poor. as wer all folk on t'estate, every lad ad sum sort on a job to adle a bob or two.
I workt for a farmer, bottlin an delivrin t'milk evry day fer ten bob i'week
wen i getn ter be foteen farmer sez he's banner teech me to plough,ah wer reyt proud.
He sez "av started up in top field, an left tracter there redy,cum at six i mornin an we'al walk up for a days plowin
nahthen it wer a gud two mile t'top field up a windin cuntry lane
wen we wes half way theer i needed a crap reyt urgent'
Farmer sez " nubdy stirring, hop over wall inta field,all keep watch.
So i gets ovver t'wall, drops me keks an squats dahn'
Ad just i started thruchin when i heerd this noise like sumdy kissin."pwew pwew pwew".
I ups we me keks an sez to farmer "ah thowt tha wha watchin owt."
He sez " thers nubdy here,get on wi job else nowt al be done wi plowin
Am cronked dahn agin an same thing appens "pwew pwew pwew".
Farmer sez "bluddy ell ahl cum over t'wall an keep watch on your side"
Am cronked dahn agin an same appens, pwew pwew pwew.
I sez "did thow harken that"
Farmer wer laffin fit t'brussen, an sez "wen wer last time tha downd a gud meal"
Ah sez "couple of days ago"
Farmer sez " thats wot noise is, thi arse is nibblin grass.
Extract from my friends Facebook page - :lol:
Today I had a bit of a grin.
As I sat in the JCB this morning waiting to load some soil, I got a notification that I had 3 Facebook Friends Requests.
Two were friends of friends and followers of my Youtbe channel but the other was from what appeared to be a stunning blonde female individual.
Now, I guessed she wasn't an avid fan of old shyte or associated JCB's or tractors so I could see no reason why she would want to befriend me other than her being one of the rake of current click-Bate sex scams from Eastern Europe. However, as I was in a bit of a mischievous mood, I decided to play along.
I accepted her friends request and almost immediately I had a Messenger chat box appear from her. And this is how it went:
Her: Hi, how are you ?
Me: Alright.
Her: I'm great thanks ! Where do you live ?
Me: Bolloxsville.
Her: Where is that ?
Me: Top end of the Khyber Pass.
Her: Oh, I've never been there is it in England ?
Me: Yes
Her: Oh great I'm from Manchester.
Me: Is that near London ?
Her: Yes not far away. Are you alone at the moment ?
Me: Yes
Her: I am also alone. I have just been in the shower.
Me: Lovely. The water was still cold when I got up so I had a Mud Out instead.
Her: You should have a shower if you are covered in mud lol.
Me: Not quite, carry on.
Her: Do you know what I'm doing now ?
Me: Changing the oil in your pickup ?
Her: Lol no I am touching myself. I am stroking my pussy. Do you like pussies ?
Me: No.
Her: Oh why not ?
Me: Because the last one scratched and then bit me.
Her: Lol no not that kind of pussy. My pussy is soft and warm.
Me: So was this one but it still got my boot up its shitter.
Her: My pussy likes to be stroked and touched It feels so good.
Me: This one used to hiss and its breath stank of fish - Is that like your pussy?
Apparently we are no longer 'Friends' on Facebook......
;) mischievous as aye Anto..:D
has he done anymore with his film?
Sorry Grant ,I was out!!
Not as far as I know ;)
no bother.. was watching his Navara Review earlier today.
no bother.. was watching his Navara Review earlier today.
Cool !!, hes a bit brutal at times .but a genuinely funny guy. Hid grandad was in the Royal Engineers at time of D Day and his granny was Austrian and a teenager in the Luftwaffe ,during the war.
They met during and married after the war
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
rigger67
05-02-2017, 06:49
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16388020_1228571920530558_6327960726735830874_n.jp g?oh=042efa10419d8bc522a8e977a73a4aa2&oe=59035BDD
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Sherwood
15-02-2017, 20:32
great, made me laugh anyway, any more???
On a similar theme:
Nottingham Fish and Chip shop: "The Cod's Scallops"!
Family Carpet Fitters: "Walter Wall Carpets"!
Geoff
I dreamt I'd written The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. My wife told me I was Tolkien in my sleep.
Bought my friend a fridge for Christmas. Should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
walpurgis
15-03-2017, 10:54
Many years ago, I married a widow, who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Also, it appears that I am my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the answer to the following query: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefit?
I got mugged at the station yesterday and when I went to help with a photofit ID it came out looking just like me.
The policeman asked me where I was at 5pm yesterday. I told him I was at the station.
He said, "This isn't looking good for you..."
Syncopator
24-03-2017, 23:42
There was a blind skunk who fell in love with a fart.
Ali Tait
13-04-2017, 11:30
http://i1286.photobucket.com/albums/a616/aliballybee1/67DA56C2-FCDB-4301-A9C2-9DA4DE2B4426_zps6kk2vjwe.jpg (http://s1286.photobucket.com/user/aliballybee1/media/67DA56C2-FCDB-4301-A9C2-9DA4DE2B4426_zps6kk2vjwe.jpg.html)
How many audiophiles does it take to change a light bulb?
Just 1, but it takes over 100 to comment about how much better the original bulb is.
ive spent all day dipping pineapples in batter, do you think im frittering my life away?
How many audiophiles does it take to change a light bulb?
Just 1, but it takes over 100 to comment about how much better the original bulb is.
Good stuff Jamie !!!:lol:
That says so much about Hi Fi IMO;)
Ali Tait
12-05-2017, 07:41
http://i1286.photobucket.com/albums/a616/aliballybee1/D37B207A-B1C3-45EB-900B-F8C8CF8BC4E9_zpswsdzx9u9.jpg (http://s1286.photobucket.com/user/aliballybee1/media/D37B207A-B1C3-45EB-900B-F8C8CF8BC4E9_zpswsdzx9u9.jpg.html)
Wonder what 'Barry' smells like (in local pound shop)
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170518/2fc73007d18be122587405689f756f8c.jpg
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
An eastern European lady has just started as my new cleaner, she's very nice but it took her over an hour to hoover one room......turns out she's a Slovac....
I don't smell 'fruity' at all.
I use Lynx 'Africa' - so if anything I smell of dusty savannah. :lol:
I don't smell 'fruity' at all.
I use Lynx 'Africa' - so if anything I smell of dusty savannah. :lol:
Bit of african pussy eh?:) Think its Lynx I'm using tbh.dont pay much attention, just squirt it on:eyebrows:
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170518/9ee87a61cdef3605247f7e3706726815.jpg
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Ali Tait
02-06-2017, 09:50
http://i1286.photobucket.com/albums/a616/aliballybee1/012F8857-D94D-40EF-9F3F-06CF5DC800FC_zps2r3i9lbj.jpg (http://s1286.photobucket.com/user/aliballybee1/media/012F8857-D94D-40EF-9F3F-06CF5DC800FC_zps2r3i9lbj.jpg.html)
mr sneff
02-07-2017, 00:57
ive spent all day dipping pineapples in batter, do you think im frittering my life away?
Brilliant!
mr sneff
02-07-2017, 00:59
Police have raided Kermit the Frog's lily pad and taken away a large quantity of explicit, naked photos of Miss Piggy.
A spokesperson said that it was the worst case of frogspawn they'd ever seen.
Had a row with Mrs Oddball this evening. She was in a real state and ended up throwing a bottle of fabric conditioner at me. It must have been Lenor, as it was too close for Comfort.
Firebottle
01-08-2017, 16:36
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, 'No, I'm travelling light.'
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who read binary and those who don't.
Took a photo of myself in the local library today, bit of a shelfie really.
While living in Tennessee* I* was speaking to a class mate about flying home to the UK and he asked me why didn't I drive instead, man it was so hard to keep a striate face in the same class I had a dude ask me what language they spoke in the uk.
You just can't make this stuff up.
Hillbilly's you got to love them
walpurgis
09-08-2017, 10:39
Thick is forever. Pity them.
Ali Tait
19-08-2017, 16:07
https://i.imgur.com/s4VLbgv.jpghttps://i.imgur.com/s4VLbgv.jpg
MikeMusic
19-08-2017, 16:40
Superb !
They say the "tooth brush", was invented in West Virginia, because if it had been invented anywhere else, they would have called it a, "teeth brush"!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
A young man was hitch hiking in the country on an old dirt road when a car stopped to pick him up. A nice old man driving invited him to ride. There was a Mason jar of moonshine setting on the front seat. So the old man offered him a drink. He said, "thank you no, I'm not a drinking man.", so the old man insisted he have a drink with him! And again he declined. Then the old man pulled out a big long pistol and held it up to his head and cocked the hammer and said, "damn it I said DRINK!!", so the the man quickly opened it and took a long pull from the jar. It hit the bottom of his stomach like a brick and blew the top of his head off, some really terrible stuff! He spit and spewed and hollered out loud! Once he had recovered, the old man flipped the pistol around and handed to him and said, "Now you hold the gun on me while I drink!"!!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Those jokes killed at the lunch table! "Hello?is this thing on?"
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Two fish were swimming up river when they came across another fish swimming the other way. "What type of fish are you" asks the single fish upon which one of the pair looked across at his friend and said "Don't tell him Pike"
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment, was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood.
So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.
"A police car has just called at the Hamilton's' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex."
Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright.
"How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?".
"Because their kid is standing on the balcony too !! :D
When I got home from work I asked the wife what she had put on my sandwiches because they tasted a bit odd.
She said 'Crab paste'.
I said 'Was it from the market?'.
She said 'No, it was from the chemist'
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iphone and charge a £1000 for it. :idea:
jandl100
17-09-2017, 16:59
1-22
:lol:
Thanks, Anto.
walpurgis
17-09-2017, 17:38
nice trio Anto :D
Yup. All four of them! ;)
Good stuff Anto, and do be careful on the garden path!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
MikeMusic
18-09-2017, 16:55
How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iphone and charge a £1000 for it. :idea:
Oh yes !
:)
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.
She loved the job but was very shy about having to sell condoms to customers.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
'Look' he said 'My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned'.
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said '350 please'
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
'Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs' her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
'
Yes!!' she shouted down the phone 'he's got one hanging there!!'
The boss replied 'Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner'!!
mr sneff
03-10-2017, 16:01
If Hans Zimmer covered a King Crimson song it would have to be Frame by Frame
Elderly man reaches beyond the grave and contacts his late wife. What did she say his friend asks eagerly, nothing says the old man
we did nt talk for the last 20 years of our lives !
Techno Commander
08-10-2017, 21:31
https://i.imgur.com/kierCY0.jpg
walpurgis
21-10-2017, 10:23
This made me laugh:
https://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/revocation.asp
This made me laugh:
https://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/revocation.asp
Yes me too, despite some factual errors.
mr sneff
23-10-2017, 18:45
http://oi63.tinypic.com/219xo5x.jpg
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Great stuff! I can’t wait to pass this around!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I ordered a Thesaurus online recently and received it today - only to find the book completely blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am!
One for your little kids:
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus happy?
Ten tickles!
Good one Chris!
Another good kid’s joke: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
What did the fish say when he bumped his head on a concrete wall? Dam!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
An old one:
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to find her poor doggy a bone
As she bent over, Rover came over and gave her a bone of his own.
Another old one and one of my all time favorites!
Did you hear about the gyaenocologist who painted his hall way through his front door letter box
Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turns to the other and said " does this taste funny? "
Pigmy Pony
24-11-2017, 20:26
Three goldfish in a tank.
One of them says, 'Anyone know how to drive this thing?'
I was driving through the countryside the other day and saw a sign advertising a 'talking dog for sale'.
I stopped and knocked on the door - bloke answered and I said 'have you got a talking dog for sale?' he said 'yes he's in the back yard go and have a chat'. So I did.
Dog was there I said can you talk? Dog said 'yes - let me tell you about my life - I worked in Afghanistan for the US special forces who would send me into Taliban villages to gather intelligence. Then I went to the Middle East to work for the British Secret Service against ISIS. Recently I have worked for various drug squads in the UK' Wow I said fantastic.
I went back to the owner and said 'how much for the talking dog?' he replied 'a fiver'....I said 'only a fiver for a talking dog?' He said 'yes - he's a lying b@stard - he's never been out that back yard!'
Gerry Adams will be on - Im A Celebrity You’ve Got Five Minutes To Get Out Of Here . . apparently.
Despite her high standing in the local coven Mrs B. is still a very attractive woman and immediately responded when she saw an advert in the pet shop window - 'Available Now, Clitoris licking Frog'.
She went inside to be greeted by the shopkeeper with, 'Bonjour Madame'
My wife has just left me, she said all I do is talk about football,
I'm gutted, I was with her for three seasons.
Audio Al
26-11-2017, 23:26
What's the difference between " Man " and Jelly babies ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Jelly babies come in 5 different flavours :eyebrows:
I Googled, “who gives a shit?”, and my name was not listed......
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Choppers List of who can get F*****
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=189&v=sry7JYV1U24
Contains the odd F word:)
Firebottle
03-12-2017, 13:08
That's brilliant, love the use of the f***wit word :lol:
mr sneff
09-12-2017, 15:32
http://oi64.tinypic.com/2jdift5.jpg
mr sneff
11-12-2017, 13:25
https://www.sadanduseless.com/2017/12/stereo-types/
https://www.facebook.com/100008200457374/videos/2030638603886135/
Seeing as you like big Christmas trees
Dont Panic - Dont Panic !!!! look out for the dead ringer of Father Ted later on in the clip !! lol
walpurgis
15-12-2017, 09:45
http://i68.tinypic.com/vpg2l4.jpg
What is the difference between the normal alphabet and the Christmas alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has no L
mr sneff
15-12-2017, 12:30
https://cdn77.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/xmas-design15.jpg
walpurgis
15-12-2017, 15:30
http://i64.tinypic.com/14e5khw.jpg
I used to be with it, but then they changed what ‘it’ was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary to me:D
walpurgis
15-12-2017, 20:42
http://i68.tinypic.com/2e15g02.jpg
rigger67
11-01-2018, 08:51
https://s13.postimg.org/ymnt2d647/26239136_1725359960858777_1455278914702816537_n.pn g
mr sneff
12-01-2018, 10:11
Dad - “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!!”
Son (storming off) - “ANYWAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad - “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!”
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CukyY1rVYAAD206.jpg
mr sneff
23-01-2018, 08:49
https://cdn77.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/sign2.jpg
More here (https://www.sadanduseless.com/2018/01/womens-march-2018/)
Firebottle
23-01-2018, 09:07
https://cdn77.eatliver.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/pathetic.jpg
MikeMusic
23-01-2018, 09:22
https://cdn77.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/sign2.jpg
More here (https://www.sadanduseless.com/2018/01/womens-march-2018/)
Wonderful.
All great
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180129/277eacb82bd3d4e4a9aa2085c9436553.jpg
its a funny feeling being older than your dad :scratch:;)
http://i68.tinypic.com/2a5n4n6.jpg
Eagle owl
15-02-2018, 19:48
A teacher asked her class to name something that ends with 'tor' that eats things.
The first little boy Timmy says, "Alligator, miss".
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy William says, "Predator, miss".
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
Little Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
Almost 40 years together and my Wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush!
So if any of you knows of another way to get dog poo out of trainers I'm all ears?
As I put another log on the fire last night, I thought.......
Really must get this bloody toilet fixed!
History celebrates Emily Davison, the suffragette who threw herself under the King's horse at the Derby in 1913.
Sadly, no-one remembers Mr Davison, who had to make his own tea that evening.
A bloke goes to a supermarket checkout with 1 egg, 1 sausage, 1 tomato and 1 mushroom.
Checkout lass asks him whilst she is serving him "Do you by any chance live alone" ?
Bloke replies "no, but why do you ask" ?
Checkout lass replies "because your such an ugly fcu%er "
James Bond is laid off and at the job centre, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
Pigmy Pony
22-02-2018, 19:08
Sam the snail wanted to be an Olympic runner. He thought he might go quicker by discarding his shell, but it just made him more sluggish.
Firebottle
22-02-2018, 21:15
That's awful, but funny.
rigger67
25-02-2018, 08:32
This came from British bluesman Aynsley Lister on social media :D
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28055907_10159910822370304_8479329050518686816_n.j pg?oh=14392af9ad6259647c7d3cc4b981a9be&oe=5B487C06
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: :lol::lol:
Pigmy Pony
25-02-2018, 13:02
one day, a zebra was walking through the grasslands, and he came across a dead lion, with a monkey sat on top of it.
The zebra said, Hey monkey, did you kill that lion?"
"Yes I did, quite impressive eh?"
"What did you kill it with?"
"My club."
"Wow, it must be a big club."
"Yeah, there's about 120 of us."
Late in the day a woman answers the door, and it’s her husband’s boss from the distillery where he worked. The boss says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but your husband died on the job today, he drowned in the vat of liquor.”,
“I hope he didn’t suffer”, she said, and the boss said, “I don’t think so, we pulled him out 3 times!”.
Russell
Pigmy Pony
09-03-2018, 20:28
A policeman, while driving home across the moors, saw this dodgy-looking man walking along the road with a shotgun and a holdall, and decided to 'have a word'.
"What's in the bag, son?"
"Oh just something for tea"
"Let's have a look. Shit, is that a Golden Eagle?"
"Yeah I know it's illegal, but these are hard times, and I do what I have to, to put food on the table".
"Be that as it may, you are under arrest".
On the way back to the station the copper says, "I've got to ask, what does Golden Eagle taste like?"
"Well, it's a bit like Swan".
Just got a new aftershave which smells like lard, breadcrumbs and worms.
The birds bloody love it...
Mike Reed
24-03-2018, 10:23
It was January '82 during a week-long white-out that we decided to take the children and their ailing grandfather sledging. Because he suffered from cold, we rubbed lard all over him. He went downhill pretty fast after that.
MikeMusic
24-03-2018, 11:30
Wonderful !
:lol:
Mike Reed
24-03-2018, 15:47
Thank you, Mike. The first since 2008 (I'm still shown on the first pages here; can't believe it !). I've a list of one-liners which I'll post here from time to time, including now.
My neighbour's dog only responds to commands in Spanish.
However, he is Espanol.
Qu. Which major London rail terminus was and is used by Billingsgate to transport lobsters, crabs, etc. to Balmoral, Sandringham and similar royal places?
Ans. Kings Crustacean
MikeMusic
25-03-2018, 10:36
:)
Good, sledging very good
guy with 5 penises...His pants fit him like a glove.
Mike Reed
27-03-2018, 11:03
My wife doesn't think I can mend the electric shower. Well, she's in for a shock !
What happens if the universe explodes? No matter !
The man who invented the brolly in the nineteenth century initially called it the 'brella'. Unfortunately, however, he hesitated.
Somewhere in Nashville Tennessee, a woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked the artist if he could tattoo a picture of Elvis’s face on the inside of her thigh. He said, “Sure no problem, I promise it’ll look exactly like him!”. So, he gets in there and tattoos for a few hours. He claims he’s done and holds up a mirror. The woman is irate! “That doesn’t look anything like Elvis! You’ve ruined me!”, to which he replies, “it looks just like him! You just don’t want to pay!”. So they argue for a while, until he suggests, “I’ll do another Elvis’s face on your other thigh, and this time it’ll look exactly like him!”, so the woman agrees.
He worked for hours! And very proud of himself he hands her the mirror and she says, “ that is worse than the first one! You’ve ruined me for life! That doesn’t look anything like Elvis!”, and again he claims it does and she doesn’t want to pay! So, at a standstill, he suggests they get a third opinion, and what he says goes. So she agrees. The Tattoo artist looks outside and there is a wino hanging on a lamp post right out front. He says, “Hey Mister! Come here, I’ve got something I want you to see.”, so the man comes in. The artist tells him, “look at those tattoos and tell me who they look like.”. So the old drunk staggers over, and gets a really close look, going back and forth. And he proclaims, “I don’t know who those two guys on the ends are, but the one in the middle looks like Willy Nelson!”
Russell
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I got a lovely Rolex one Christmas, from the lesbians that live next-door.
I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".
mr sneff
17-04-2018, 11:58
I spilt some domestos over my local clergyman
Now I'm being charged with a bleach of the priest
If vampires cast no reflection, how come their hair is always so neat and tidy?
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180419/691551fe8968d3b5217a571c2b7b06d6.jpg
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180419/691551fe8968d3b5217a571c2b7b06d6.jpg
Lol
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180419/691551fe8968d3b5217a571c2b7b06d6.jpg
Good one! Is that from an old Punch magazine? My Dad used to subscribe, so that cartoonist looks familiar.
Good one! Is that from an old Punch magazine? My Dad used to subscribe, so that cartoonist looks familiar.
Stereo Review, June 1988 apparently?
Might be the same guy...looks like a similar style to some stuff Punch put out. Funny fellow :)
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180429/be31a66879f003d8313b8620e4c1e2eb.jpg
Russell
Firebottle
29-04-2018, 17:11
:rfl: Brilliant.
Russell, that's so funny:rfl:
That’s my ex to a tee!
Russell
Mike Reed
30-04-2018, 08:30
I went to my G.P. with problems down under. After initial tests, she told me that I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked why, she said
"Because I'm trying to examine you !".
walpurgis
30-04-2018, 08:34
Last time I went to the doctor, he said "if you take it easy and stop smoking and drinking, you may make it back to your car".
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Trump has two parts of brain，"left" and "right". In the left side, there 's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
Clever man. Pity he is such an asshole
A man called Simon goes on Stars in their eyes & Mathew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair.
Mathew asks, what happened ?
I was in a car crash with my Uncle. He died & I had to have my legs amputated. But they saved my uncle's legs & grafted them onto me, in six months time I will be able to walk again.
That's amazing say's Mathew. Who are you going to be for us tonight then ?
Tonight Mathew I'm going to be,
Simon & Half Uncle.
mr sneff
14-05-2018, 06:10
Had a really encouraging first day as a sound engineer, I got amazing feedback.
Mike Reed
17-05-2018, 19:28
Which main London railway terminus is used by Billingsgate to send out lobsters and crabs to the provinces ?
King's Crustacean.
I spent all day Sunday sending distress calls and really developed a flare for it.
Conjunctivitis.com really is a site for sore eyes.
I've just got myself a new dry-wipe white board. It really is remarkable !
What would happen if the Universe exploded ?
No matter.
A man gets up in the morning and goes to work, as he always does. On the train, he sees a group of young women in the back all sobbing, and crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So, he gets to his morning coffee shop, and can’t get any service, all the waitresses are in the back crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So he skips it and goes to work. All the female employees are in the corner sobbing and crying, “Johnny’s dead!”. So the janitor came around to dump his bin, and he asked him, “who is this Johnny fellow?”, and the janitor told him, “ he was a young man who dated quite a few of the girls who work here, he really is hung like a mule!”, “They’ve got him down at the morgue, you really ought to see it!”. So, curious, he goes down to the morgue and tells the attendant, “I’m a family member of the deceased, can I have a minute alone?”. And the attendant agreed and left the room. He pulls the sheet back and sure enough, it’s the biggest jank he’s ever seen! So he takes out his pin knife and cuts it off, and rolls it up in a newspaper, thinking, “Martha has got to see this!”. So he rushes home and calls his wife, “Martha, come and see this!”, he unrolls the newspaper and his wife burst into tears, “Johnny’s Dead!”
Russell
Firebottle
03-06-2018, 17:46
Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.
Classic.
walpurgis
03-06-2018, 17:48
Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.
Classic.
Years ago, I used to cycle back from the pub pretty well hammered. Only ever fell off once though! :D
Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.
Classic.
Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!
Marco.
MikeMusic
03-06-2018, 19:28
Just in a nice pub having a chat to a cyclist. He is on his 2nd pint so I ask him if it affects him when he is cycling.
Answer : I don't know I've only just bought the bike.
Classic.
I have to cycle, there's no way I could walk
:)
Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!
Marco.
I knew a girl who suggested taking a horse to the pub and tethering it outside whilst she could go in and get 'hammered'. Then when she wanted to go home she would climb on the horse (or more likely drape herself over it) and the horse would take her home.
But as I pointed out to her, it is an offense to be drunk in charge of a horse, just as it is to be drunk in charge of a motor vehicle.
I knew a girl who suggested taking a horse to the pub and tethering it outside whilst she could go in and get 'hammered'. Then when she wanted to go home she would climb on the horse (or more likely drape herself over it) and the horse would take her home.
But as I pointed out to her, it is an offense to be drunk in charge of a horse, just as it is to be drunk in charge of a motor vehicle.
Yes , but is it an offence to be in charge of a canal boat?
Yes , but is it an offence to be in charge of a canal boat?
I don't know - presumably there are rules and regulations on the use of inland waterways. :scratch:
walpurgis
20-06-2018, 16:16
It's an offence to be drunk, full stop. Even alone indoors!
there was a law added about that but i dont think it ever got enacted as such.. comes under Railways and Transport Safety. harbours have rules too, but anyone endangering others can be prosecuted
Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!
Marco.
Yes but being run down by a bicycle is not as hazardous as being run down by a car! If I had to choose. Still no fun.
Russell
A man comes into the hardware store with his recently purchased chain saw. He tells the clerk, “Something is wrong with this chainsaw, it took me all day long to cut up a cord of wood!”. The clerk says, “Well let’s take a look at it”, and he pulls the rope and it fires up”, BRRRR! And the customer says, “What’s that noise!”
Russell
mr sneff
13-07-2018, 14:52
https://scontent-frt3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37016188_10155928104388192_5979909822651301888_n.j pg?_nc_cat=0&oh=3640111cade686832736cf5aa270f138&oe=5BD83BEE
Pigmy Pony
13-07-2018, 20:12
Where did you dig that one up?
https://scontent-frt3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37016188_10155928104388192_5979909822651301888_n.j pg?_nc_cat=0&oh=3640111cade686832736cf5aa270f138&oe=5BD83BEE
Is that a Greatful Dead album?
Russ
Pigmy Pony
17-07-2018, 06:17
:lol: I like that!
Is that a Greatful Dead album?
Russ
A preacher goes to visit the elderly organist of his church for tea. He arrives and takes a seat, and waits while the old girl makes the tea. While waiting, he sees a bowl of water on her pedal organ, with a condom floating in it! He’s not quite sure what to make of it? So the elderly woman returns with the tea, and he has to ask, “what can you tell me about this bowl?”. She tells him, “I was walking in the park and found this little wrapper, and it said on it to place on the organ, keep it wet, and it will help prevent disease!”, “And you know, I haven’t had the flu all Winter!”.
Russell
Pigmy Pony
29-07-2018, 11:26
I tried posting this months ago, but it didn't happen. Maybe it was deemed 'inappropriate' or more likely something I did wrong.
A long, long time ago, when I was about 20, I was in a nightclub and got chatting to this very attractive woman. She was a lot older than me, at least double my age, but she clearly looked after herself.
A few drinks later, and we were both quite drunk, she said "Have you ever fancied a mother & daughter threesome?" I replied that although I'd never thought about it, I was always open to trying something new.
So we left to go back to her place, and when we went through the front door she shouted up the stairs: "Hey mum! You still awake?"
I tried posting this months ago, but it didn't happen. Maybe it was deemed 'inappropriate' or more likely something I did wrong.
A long, long time ago, when I was about 20, I was in a nightclub and got chatting to this very attractive woman. She was a lot older than me, at least double my age, but she clearly looked after herself.
A few drinks later, and we were both quite drunk, she said "Have you ever fancied a mother & daughter threesome?" I replied that although I'd never thought about it, I was always open to trying something new.
So we left to go back to her place, and when we went through the front door she shouted up the stairs: "Hey mum! You still awake?"
Lol! [emoji23]
Russell
Pigmy Pony
09-08-2018, 16:40
Here's an old one from the late great Tommy Cooper:
I was having a clear out in the attic when I came across a painting and an old violin. I took them to an antiques dealer to see if they were worth anything.
"Well," he said, "The good news is that here you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is that Stradivarius couldn't paint for toffee, and Picasso was rubbish at making violins".
Doctor, I've been thinking I may be a moth for some time now.
Really? So what made you call in to see me today?
Oh, I saw the light at the window.......
Doctor, I get a pain in my eye when I drink coffee.
Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?
Doctor, doctor, some days I feel like a marquee, and others I feel like a wigwam.
Yes, I can see you are two tents
Young Richard keeps pestering dad for a TV in his bedroom . Dad eventually caves in and puts one upstairs . Next morning Richard comes downstairs and says " Dad what's love juice" Dad is mortified to hear this and immediately decides to teach Richard the facts of life. By the way , he says, which programme where you watching?
Wimbledon , says Richard.
It was a Wednesday afternoon at the nursing home and it was time for the weekly sing along with Alice at the piano.
The communal room was packed with elderly residents and after the sing along there was a special guest artist, Claude the hypnotist. Claude took the stage and announced that he was going to hypnotise them all together and added that they must do exactly what he said.
Claude began his act by taking out his grandfather's gold pocket watch on a chain, a family heirloom that was very precious to Claude. He began swinging the watch from side to side repeating the words. Watch the watch, watch the watch". Very soon the old people were in a trance and Claude continued to saying. "Watch the watch, Watch the watch". Then all of a sudden the watch broke away from the chain, fell on the floor and broke into pieces. Claude was absolutely distraught and in his panic shouted "SHIT" and it took them three days to clean out the room. He was never invited back.
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in the street bar one.
That will be the snooty bitch at No 20 she replied!
Just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. Definitely won't be shagging one of those again.
And finally ,the one that made me laugh the most
Travelling salesman is in the middle of deepest Wales traveling back home late at night, when he is need of a comfort stop and liquid refreshment. being in the days before drink driving, decides to stop at the next pub he passes, which happens to be a pub in the middle of nowhere up on the moor.
A little surprised by the number of cars in the carpark, as he's about to enter he can hear the hum of conversation comeing from within the pub, as he enters an eerie silence befalls the pub as the locals realise a stranger is amongst them.
Everyone is watching him as he approaches the bar......
"What would you be wanting" asks the barman
"I'll take shandy if i may"
Pouring the beer the barman strikes up following conversation with the rest of pub listening intently....
"Gather from your accent you not be from around here and be from over the border "
"That's correct"
"So what bring's you round this part then, if you don't mind me asking"
"I've been going round selling some of my products"
"What product's would they be then"
"Easiest way to explain what I sell , is that I'm actually a taxidermist"
"Taxidermist ?" confused the barman says "what would a taxidermist be then ?"
Replying the salesman says " easiest way to explain what I do as a taxidermist is that I stuff animals..."
Turning to the rest of the bar , the barman shouts "its ok boys , he's one of us !!"
A Russian spy, IRA sympathiser and racist walks into a bar and the barman says “The usual, Mr Corbyn?”
Sex & Grammar.
On his 74th birthday, Roy got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, Roy drove to the reservation and handed his ticket to the medicine man. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only one teaspoonful, and then say '1, 2, 3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
Roy was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Roy was very eager to see if the medicine worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Robin Hood was lying on his death bed, he called all his men together and said I want you to do one last thing for me. He called Will Scarlet bring me my trusty long bow then he called Little John pass me one of my trusty arrows then Robin said wheresoever this arrow lands I want you to bury me.
So they buried him on top of the wardrobe.
What do you get if you cross an Australian wind instrument with a virgin?
A didgerydont.
Just seen an interview with JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.
Just seen an interview with JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.
Thats pretty good Anto. Well, I thought I d say so considering there seems to be a deafening silence around for your funnies. Take care
Just seen an interview with JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.
:eyebrows:
walpurgis
30-08-2018, 12:09
http://i68.tinypic.com/2lc0g3c.jpg
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180830/5b03f81cabb5ec702de8c38d7d550d74.jpg
http://i67.tinypic.com/kamzat.jpg
http://i68.tinypic.com/2n7fchx.jpg
nonuffin
30-08-2018, 19:22
A man walks into a pub, perches on a bar stool and orders a pint of lager.
While he is supping his pint, he cannot help but notice three large sweet jars crammed full of £10 notes sat on a shelf behind the bar. He calls the landlord over and asks why those jars are full to the brim with £10 notes. The landlord replies they are the entry fees for the pub challenge that nobody has yet won. The man asks what exactly the pub challenge is, but the landlord says he must cough up the tenner first before he tells him. So the man duly hands over the tenner and the landlord quickly puts it into one of the jars.
It is then explained to him that the pub challenge is in three parts; he must drink an entire bottle of Tequila in one go without stopping, which will help him greatly in the second part of the challenge, which is to go out into the yard where his Rottweiler has a bad tooth which needs to be extracted. Two vets have been ripped to shreds even trying getting close to the dog and he is even nastier nowadays. The final part of the challenge is to go upstairs to the bedroom of the landlord's mother who at 90 years of age has never had an orgasm, so if the man can drink the Tequila, pull the dog's bad tooth and give mother an orgasm, he then wins the contents of all the jars.
After pint number three went down his neck for some courage, the man decides he will give it a go. The landlord hands him a bottle of Tequila and pops a pair of pliers into the man's pocket and tells him to begin when ready.
It took a full three minutes to drink the entire bottle of Tequila and by the end of that he was getting rather woozy so off he weaves towards the door out to the yard. No sooner had the door closed behind the man than a tremendous noise broke out of barking, snarling and growling which got louder and louder by the minute. After five minutes though the barking started to subdue, then some very gentle whimpering and then complete silence . . . . . . . . . .
The landlord was just about to call for an ambulance, when the man comes back through the door from the yard and what a sight he presented. All his clothes were completely ripped to shreds with blood dripping from hundreds of bite marks, but he was still standing and had a broad grin on his face.
"Now then" the man says, where is this little old lady with the bad tooth?
Pigmy Pony
30-08-2018, 19:31
:lol: Quality! Cheers Dominic
nonuffin
30-08-2018, 20:37
A young man called Jeremy was working at his desk in the City of London as a stock trader buying and selling shares all day of his working life, watching graphs and numbers flashing on 10 computer screens. The pay was good, but to him it was mind numbingly boring and very tedious. Then one day a man wearing a pinstripe suit and a bowler hat, carrying a leather briefcase walked into the office and asked for Jeremy by name. "Hello" said the man, "My name is Jones of Jones, Jones and Jones Solicitors". Jeremy was rather taken aback by the appearance of this fellow and very curious as to why he was asked for by name. "Let me explain why I am here" said Mr Jones, "Your dear Uncle Silas from Dorset has recently passed away and he has bequeathed his farm to you as sole beneficiary, so I need you to sign some documents and then the farm is all yours".
After Jones the Solicitor left, Jeremy thought long and hard about the farm that Uncle Silas had left him and decided the boss can shove all 10 computer screens up his jacksy for all he cared at that moment, as the attractions of the rural life had to be better than this. Jeremy went home, packed some clothes into a suitcase and off he went to rural Dorset . . . . . . .
There was only one small flaw in the newly appointed Jeremy the Farmer's plan that he hadn't even considered. He knew sweet FA about farming.
When he arrived at the farm he expected neatly tended crops already growing in the fields, cattle and sheep grazing contentedly on the sweet lush grass, but there was nothing, no crops, no livestock, a rundown barn with a rusty tractor and a small farmhouse, that were the actual realities of what he had inherited.
Jeremy was no fool though, he went straight round to the farm next door to seek some farming wisdoms from an experienced neighbour. Farmer Brown said to Jeremy "Cattle, that's what ole Silas kept, never done no cabbages, or kerrits, or taters and such-which, young feller". Jeremy asked where to get some cattle from and Brown said "Oill take 'ee down market an gessum", so off they went.
Jeremy bought 50 cows at the market under Brown's guidance, put them into his field and they seemed quite happy chomping on the lush sweet grass. "What's next Mr Brown?". "Yoo gots to have a bull too young feller, cows is not happy unlesses they has a bull around the place". Back they go to the market and buy the biggest and best looking bull you ever did see - a magnificent animal if ever there was one. They put the bull in with the cows and watched awhile for errrrrm, developments. Nothing. All the cows were laying down chewing grass, so too was the bull and this went on for days and days . . . . . . . "'Ee be off colour me says" says Farmer Brown "Sin this before, you needs to get the vet chap over". The vet duly arrives and looks in the bull's eyes, up it's nostrils, sticks a thermometer up it's rear end too, so the progosis is the bull needs some pep up pills.
The vet opens his black bag and takes out a tiny little metal pill box with some tiny pink pills in and pops one of these tiny pills into the bull's mouth. Within seconds, the bull is pawing at the ground, swishing it's tail around in circles, gives a huge bellow and starts chasing the cows around the field, mounting each and every one of them in less than 30 minutes. Not content with 50 cows, he smashes down the fence to the next farm and sorts out all the cows in those fields and the next two farms as well for good measure. Jeremy and the vet evetually find the bull on it's back with all 4 legs in the air, completely exhausted. The vet opens his black bag again and takes out a tiny blue pill box with tiny blue pills in as the antidote to the tiny pink pill and lead him gently back to the farm to recover.
This got Jeremy thinking . . . . . . he asked the vet if he could have one of the pink pills because his girlfriend was coming down to see him *NUDGE, NUDGE*. "Oh no" said the vet, "much too strong for you, see what it did to a two ton animal?" Jeremy pleaded as best he could and the vet agreed to give him only a dust particle and not a whole pink pill. "I will be round with the antidote tomorrow" said the vet.
The following day the vet arrived at the farmhouse and found a very frazzled looking Jeremy conked out on the sofa. "Wake up Jeremy, I need to give you the blue antidote and of course some treatment for your poor back" said the vet. "Jeremy replied "Never mind a bad back, give me something for my poor arm, the girlfriend never showed up".
Your jokes are getting longer by the minute Dominic, I've seen shorter turns at the Apollo !. Fair play for your persistence though.
I particularly liked the one about the old lady with a bad tooth!
Russell
Pigmy Pony
31-08-2018, 06:21
Your jokes are getting longer by the minute Dominic, I've seen shorter turns at the Apollo !. Fair play for your persistence though.
Tim Vine he is not.:)
Pigmy Pony
31-08-2018, 06:30
I want to tell you a little about myself. I'm a shy and secretive person. That's it really.
I'm so lazy I bought a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
The librarian said to me "Your trousers are too long. I'm going to cut off the bottoms and keep them here". I said "Well that's a turn up for the books".
Pigmy Pony
31-08-2018, 06:31
I decided to sell my old vacuum cleaner. Well it was just gathering dust.
rigger67
31-08-2018, 08:29
https://s22.postimg.cc/3o6mumqtd/40382480_1718824021580789_5830397033210445824_n.jp g
nonuffin
31-08-2018, 08:55
There were two bulls standing together in a field, a young bull and an old bull.
The young bull says "Why don't we run down this here field, jump over the fence and do a few cows over in the next field?"
The old bull replies "Nah, let's take a stroll over to the gate, open the gate, walk through to the cow's field and we'll do ALL of them"
With age comes wisdom.
nonuffin
31-08-2018, 09:18
These two gags appeared on BBC before the PC brigade killed them so they will never be repeated.
The scene is a Jo'burg suburb with neighbours having a conversation over a fence:
"Hey, Pik"
"Yeah, wotcha want?"
"Can I borrow your lawn mower mate?"
"Why?"
"Mine's in prison again".
A Smith and Jones classic:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOXIVtf1JbQ
I posted these up because my sister in law is South African and her jokes and accents just fold me up. No offence intended.
Pigmy Pony
31-08-2018, 22:06
Jokes are often a reflection of life taken to an absurd degree, but can only work if there is some truth to it. Personally I'll laugh at anything that's funny, pc or otherwise! :)
walpurgis
31-08-2018, 22:19
Jokes are often a reflection of life taken to an absurd degree, but can only work if there is some truth to it. Personally I'll laugh at anything that's funny, pc or otherwise! :)
Yup. I'll go along with that. It's a bit like stereotyping, desperately non-PC these days, but undoubtedly based on elements of truth.
A man walks into a pub, perches on a bar stool and orders a pint of lager.
While he is supping his pint, he cannot help but notice three large sweet jars crammed full of £10 notes sat on a shelf behind the bar. He calls the landlord over and asks why those jars are full to the brim with £10 notes. The landlord replies they are the entry fees for the pub challenge that nobody has yet won. The man asks what exactly the pub challenge is, but the landlord says he must cough up the tenner first before he tells him. So the man duly hands over the tenner and the landlord quickly puts it into one of the jars.
It is then explained to him that the pub challenge is in three parts; he must drink an entire bottle of Tequila in one go without stopping, which will help him greatly in the second part of the challenge, which is to go out into the yard where his Rottweiler has a bad tooth which needs to be extracted. Two vets have been ripped to shreds even trying getting close to the dog and he is even nastier nowadays. The final part of the challenge is to go upstairs to the bedroom of the landlord's mother who at 90 years of age has never had an orgasm, so if the man can drink the Tequila, pull the dog's bad tooth and give mother an orgasm, he then wins the contents of all the jars.
After pint number three went down his neck for some courage, the man decides he will give it a go. The landlord hands him a bottle of Tequila and pops a pair of pliers into the man's pocket and tells him to begin when ready.
It took a full three minutes to drink the entire bottle of Tequila and by the end of that he was getting rather woozy so off he weaves towards the door out to the yard. No sooner had the door closed behind the man than a tremendous noise broke out of barking, snarling and growling which got louder and louder by the minute. After five minutes though the barking started to subdue, then some very gentle whimpering and then complete silence . . . . . . . . . .
The landlord was just about to call for an ambulance, when the man comes back through the door from the yard and what a sight he presented. All his clothes were completely ripped to shreds with blood dripping from hundreds of bite marks, but he was still standing and had a broad grin on his face.
"Now then" the man says, where is this little old lady with the bad tooth?
[emoji23][emoji23][emoji1303]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
nonuffin
01-09-2018, 07:42
Jokes are often a reflection of life taken to an absurd degree, but can only work if there is some truth to it.
There is masses of truth in the lawnmower gag. Even today there are numbers of white folks who have entire families living in a shed in the garden as the home help and the in laws were no exception.
Pigmy Pony
01-09-2018, 16:09
Old man talking to Bill Beef-Curtains, the local butcher:
"Hello Bill, where's young Colin this morning?"
"I had to let him go. I caught him putting his dick in the bacon slicer."
"Oh dear that's terrible! What about the bacon slicer?"
"I sacked her as well."
nonuffin
04-09-2018, 11:33
Two brothers married two sisters on the same day, at the same church and honeymooned in the same hotel.
So, to make things a bit different, they decided to have a consumation race, whereby they compete to see how many times they can couple up with their new brides. The older brother says "No contest, I will be the winner" and the younger brother said "No chance, I am more virile than you are". No sooner had the bedroom doors closed, the younger brother starts going at it hammer and tongs. The older brother then gives his new bride a large portion and puts a "1" on the bedpost, then again another portion at 1.00am in the morning and draws another "1" on the bedpost and finally at 3.30 in the morning and puts yet another "1" on the bedpost.
8.00am the next morning the younger brother comes into the older brother's bedroom supremely confident he was the best and looks at the numbers on the bedpost. He said "Hells bells, a hundred and eleven, you beat me by one!"
Unashamedly robbed from Facebook,
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
Now that did make me laugh! :lol:
Did you hear about the Chameleon that couldn't change colour. It was a reptile dysfunction.
Mike Reed
18-09-2018, 20:21
Did you hear about the Chameleon that couldn't change colour. It was a reptile dysfunction.
I like that.
I went to my local G.P. and after initial tests, she told me that I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked why, she said " because I'm trying to examine you".
Used to have a successful racing snail, so to reduce weight for even more speed, I took its shell off. Didn't work, though; simply made him more sluggish.
Bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer last week. No idea what he'd done to them but I was tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows far too high. She looked surprised.
Conjuctivitis.com really is a site for sore eyes.
It has now been discovered that the two grave-diggers who had been seen wandering aimlessly around the cemetery for hours in south Devon had simply lost the plot.
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180922/475e6dad4c16f7e7c0bc3f4a4e0cb6ae.jpg
walpurgis
22-09-2018, 22:46
An 'Einsteinian' solution! :brickwall:
Not exactly a joke but it did make me laugh
http://i63.tinypic.com/igl2k0.jpg
I like that.
I went to my local G.P. and after initial tests, she told me that I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked why, she said " because I'm trying to examine you".
Used to have a successful racing snail, so to reduce weight for even more speed, I took its shell off. Didn't work, though; simply made him more sluggish.
Bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer last week. No idea what he'd done to them but I was tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows far too high. She looked surprised.
Conjuctivitis.com really is a site for sore eyes.
It has now been discovered that the two grave-diggers who had been seen wandering aimlessly around the cemetery for hours in south Devon had simply lost the plot.
I lost it on the medical exam! Took me 15 minutes to catch my breath!
Russell
Not exactly a joke but it did make me laugh
http://i63.tinypic.com/igl2k0.jpg
Oh - that's rather good. I like it.
Don't get the joke especially, of course Ive never heard of her/him/it so that may be crucial
Don't get the joke especially, of course Ive never heard of her/him/it so that may be crucial
The "it" referred to the joke.
Re Kanye West: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanye_West Married to Kim Kardashian - but then you probably haven't heard of her either. :)
The "it" referred to the joke.
Re Kanye West: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanye_West Married to Kim Kardashian - but then you probably haven't heard of her either. :)
Nope sorry.
Nope sorry.
No worries - you haven't missed anything!
No worries - you haven't missed anything!
Don't watch tv so probably why. I gather he's a rapper and she's a slapper
he's a rapper and she's a slapper
:lol: & you're a poet Grant
Mike Reed
24-09-2018, 06:55
Don't get the joke especially, of course Ive never heard of her/him/it so that may be crucial
I empathise with you ! The name is vaguely familiar, but could be a footballer for all I know/care.
For a change, I ate three tins of alphabet soup for dinner last evening. Wish I hadn't, though, as it caused a massive vowel movement this morning.
I do wish I'd bought my baked beans on line, but Heinz' site is a wonderful thing.
Had a dodgy curry at my local last night and ended up paying for it with violent diarrhoea. With hindsight, I think the chap on the till would have preferred cash.
I have a weird audiophile friend who can only sleep comfortably on stacks of magazines. To be fair, though, he does have a lot of back issues.
A rich business friend of Sean Connery tried to buy some of his oil rights from him, but was told that they weren't for shale.
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