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I said to the missus last night, "Here, put this nurses outfit on."
"Ooh," she said seductively. "Why is that?"
I said, "We need a loaf!"
I told my mate that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash.
"That's a bit harsh," he said.
"They don't mess around at Air Traffic Control!" I replied.
Last night at the strip club the ugliest woman I've ever seen dances up to me and says, "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"
I said, "My glasses!"
My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning...
I love felt tip pens!
Haha made missus chuckle
For some inexplicable reason, an advert for this book popped up whilst I was looking for something on Google:
https://jackets.gardners.com/media/640/97818491/9781849148719.jpg
!!! ?
Even Batman is Social Distancing
https://i.postimg.cc/br3YYtg5/batman.jpg
mr sneff
25-03-2020, 20:11
Under current guidelines nobody should cough within 2 metres of you. If they do then it is to be recorded as a ‘near cough’ and you should immediately instruct them to 'far cough.’…
Made in 1968
25-03-2020, 22:17
Im suprised no one made a thing out of Paul Hardcastle '19'
RobbieGong
25-03-2020, 22:45
Under current guidelines nobody should cough within 2 metres of you. If they do then it is to be recorded as a ‘near cough’ and you should immediately instruct them to 'far cough.’…
lol - Had this as a WhatsApp message a few days ago - love it :lol:
Im suprised no one made a thing out of Paul Hardcastle '19'
n n n n not yet not yet
Beobloke
26-03-2020, 10:06
Latest royal news - Prince Charles is self-isolating in Scotland with Covid-19. Prince Andrew is self-isolating at Windsor with Jennifer - 16.
Just caught an absolutely disgusting pervert on the bus watching porn over my shoulder!
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns...
Well, toucan play at that game!
---------------------------------------------
My girlfriend says she's leaving me because of my obsession with KitKats...
I suggested we have a break!
---------------------------------------------
I called the doctor. "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband!
----------------------------------------------
I'm not saying I'm concerned about catching Covid-19 but I did my 20 mins
walk via Google Earth street view today...
-----------------------------------------------
An Irishman's first drink with his son:
While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so s**t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid idiots, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
:lol:
Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him,"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
I went out on a date with a dentist many years ago.
At the end of the evening she said she would like to see me again in 6 months time!
Diane Abbott to take the Corona Virus test................but only if there are no maths questions.
Made in 1968
28-03-2020, 22:47
n n n n not yet not yet
:eyebrows:
My lesbian neighbours recently asked me to help them conceive a child. They
said they didn't mind doing it the old fashioned way as they were both very
liberal minded. Anyway, we've been trying for 6 months now and I'm
wondering if I should tell them I had the snip last year?
I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her
hazard lights on...
At least she's honest
The wife just shouted from upstairs 'do you ever get shooting pains across your body like someones got a Voodoo doll of you and they keep stabbing it?'
All concerned I shouted up 'no'.
She replied 'how about now?'............
:D
Made in 1968
30-03-2020, 19:34
:D
One of our neighbours got taken to hospital last night with corona virus and they’ve put him on one of those Dyson ventilators... he’s picking up nicely…
mr sneff
30-03-2020, 20:16
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/optimized/3X/9/b/9be7ee42094f67973b617f1c82eae28983ab5f54_2_826x750 .jpeg
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/5/2/52fe51ad08adfb185d6f464909f5c06d4e0acf99.jpeg
Made in 1968
30-03-2020, 20:52
What is the difference between a prozzy & a drug dealer?
A prozzy can wash her crack & re-use it.
Made in 1968
30-03-2020, 21:09
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66_xVrx_rlk
mr sneff
31-03-2020, 06:11
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BA9eTXwGIk
mr sneff
03-04-2020, 09:21
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/7/a/7af46b29c4743a522e6ea9da971c5ed99236496b.jpeg
You know why the Chinese have never had a decent cricket team?
They keep eating the bats
mr sneff
05-04-2020, 18:24
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/9/6/96abb3ee49148a748c6c0c36dd030ba875544c5d.jpeg
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/9/6/96abb3ee49148a748c6c0c36dd030ba875544c5d.jpeg
Quality
A farmer had a nice female pig he wanted to breed, and the farmer up the road had a prize male pig to breed her with. So, when the sow went into heat, he put her in the back of his truck and drove to the neighbor’s farm. As soon as she got out of the truck, the boar came stomping and snorting! A huge muscular pig with blood in his eyes, he blasted right through a board fence and mounted the pig, all kinds of squealing and fussing later, he goes back to his mud hole and flops down.
The farmer asks the neighbor, “how do we know if it took?”, and the neighboring farmer said, “look in the morning, if she’s up on top the hill, it didn’t take, but if she’s down in the bottom, in the mud, it took”. So the next morning he looks out the window and the pig is up on top the hill.
So he loads her in the truck and takes her back to the neighbor’s and the same thing happens. And the next morning he looks out the window and the girl pig is up on top the hill. So he loads her in the truck and takes her to the neighbor’s where the huge boar hits it again!
The next morning the farmer was slow to rise, so he asks his wife, “look out the window and tell me if that pig is up on the hill or down in the mud”. His wife looks out and says, “She’s in the front seat of the truck blowing the horn!”
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Quality
Yea - awesome !!! :lol::lol:
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian
mr sneff
08-04-2020, 19:06
A nun is being given driving lessons by the Mother Superior.
As shes driving along a massive ball of fire erupts from the road ahead from which the Devil appears.
“Dont fear my child, do an emergency stop!” Instructs Mother Superior
The Nun applies progressive braking whilst increasing her grip on the wheel, depresses the clutch, applies the handbrake, puts gear in neutral and checks mirrors and blind spots.
“Perfect! Says Mother Superior, " Now show the Devil your cross”
Nun winds down the window raises her middle finger and shouts
"Get out of the road you f@ckin’ idiot!
Ali Tait
13-04-2020, 16:07
https://www.facebook.com/dale.solan/videos/10158510556512112/
It doesn't provide the recommended 2m distancing - nice idea though.
The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Audio Al
13-04-2020, 21:02
:doh:
The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
:doh:
I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.
Peter Jones said, "And what's your idea?"
I replied, "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the fliping bag!"
I came home from the pub this morning at 3am, only to see my wife standing at the front door holding a rolling pin. I said, "What are you doing baking at this time of the morning?"
Pigmy Pony
14-04-2020, 13:59
What's 50 feet long and has 8 teeth? The queue outside Burnley Asda
What's 50 feet long and has 8 teeth? The queue outside Burnley Asda
:lol:. What a way to talk about fellow Lancastrians :eyebrows:
mr sneff
18-04-2020, 14:45
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/b/3/b3002c51d1f5a53c532788d9adf3be8109ddb66b.jpeg
What's 50 feet long and has 8 teeth? The queue outside Burnley Asda
n me being a burnley fan as well lol
Pigmy Pony
19-04-2020, 08:10
n me being a burnley fan as well lol
Would I be digging a deeper hole if I change it to Padiham? Granddaughter's mother lives there, she seems to have a full complement of gnashers, but I suspect it's just home made dentures from teeth she's found :)
mr sneff
19-04-2020, 12:18
My recent attempt to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes has made me a laughing stock.
no link to padiham u safe on that :)
on diff note i miss zoo magazine jokes page
there's a a scientific explanation as to why cows have hooves: it's because they lactose
The inventor of anti-virus software has been charged with muder.
They expect the trial to last 30 days.
Jokes were taken from a 2015 edition which included this nugget.
https://i.postimg.cc/vHNYchRy/Screenshot-2.png (https://postimages.org/)
Also mentioned
https://i.postimg.cc/ZKcfcsYk/Screenshot-4.png (https://postimages.org/)
Audio Al
20-04-2020, 16:36
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/49798210906_7e888cdf30_z.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/2iSuRad)98F211B7-C558-4A71-9DD2-E81A67CA570B.jpeg.a87b1352f4efa330031f62c69112e472 (https://flic.kr/p/2iSuRad) by , on Flickr
Audio Al
20-04-2020, 16:42
A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.
Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmerdecides to call the customer hotline. "Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry sir", replies the customer service person, "the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"
Love it Al - keep them coming! ;)
Audio Al
20-04-2020, 21:25
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/49799237176_e005de9aab_w.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/2iSA7ew)1587387604453 (https://flic.kr/p/2iSA7ew) by , on Flickr
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A dead poodle with an 18 inch arsehole
I went to the pub last night and the barman asks what I wanted....so I said....surprise me.......He showed me a picture of my naked daughter.
Bloke walks into the Pub.....he says, "can I have a pint of Less please".
"Sorry Sir", says the barman looking puzzled. "Is that one of those European beers"?
"I've no idea replies the bloke....The doctor told me I should drink less"
A man walks into a hardware store dressed in painters overalls and asks for a bottle if white spirit. The proprietor looks at him and says "no you're that alcoholic bum that hangs around the street alley ways, you'll just drink this".
The man is shocked, "Oh no you're mistaken, that was the old me, I've now got a job doing painting and decorating. Why does every one automatically think of me as that old me"?
The hardware proprietor says, "you're right, I'm sorry for judging you on your past, would you like a litre bottle"?
"Thank you.....yes a litre bottle please. Do you have a cold one"?
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician....? He worked it with a pencil
A man was on a date with a woman and they went back to her flat. Sitting on the couch he gently nibbled her ear and he whispered....you know, I'd like a little soft pussy.
She replied...so would I, mines like an enamel bucket.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw!
What do you call a Chinese homosexual? Chew Man Chew!
What do you call a Chinese 69? Two Can Chew!
Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards, or the gynaecologist who wallpapered his hall through the letter box?
What do you say to a man with no arms or legs?
What's the first thing a blonde learns when starting driving lessons? You can sit upright in a car!
What's the difference between, Love, True Love and showing off?
Spitting, Swallowing and Gargling.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
Eventually you wish you had a fucking club and a spade.
My wife is temperamental. Fifty percent temper and fifty percent mental.
My missus has Old Dysons Syndrome....She makes constant whining noises and doesn't suck anymore.
I've just been given a fortnight to live.
The wife's gone away for two weeks.
mad-moon
22-04-2020, 16:44
Have you been reading the Beano again Vince?
Who's the worlds greatest athlete. The guy who finishes 1st and 3rd in a wanking contest.
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/49799237176_e005de9aab_w.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/2iSA7ew)1587387604453 (https://flic.kr/p/2iSA7ew) by , on Flickr
Love it
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
RobbieGong
22-04-2020, 20:47
Who's the worlds greatest athlete. The guy who finishes 1st and 3rd in a wanking contest.
Judging by Diane's face, she just heard ya joke Vince .....:eek:
What's the last thing that goes through a flys mind when it hits a windscreen?
It's arse!
A man was in A & E explaining to the doctor what had happened.
'I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling, but it came down whilst we were shagging'.
The doctor asked, 'who was on top'
'She was' he says.
'I see' said the doctor. 'She has several cuts to her head, back and legs, but how did she end up dislocating her jaw'?
'Nobody criticizes my DIY'.
Th
I saw a poor old lady fall fall unconscious in the snow today. Well, I assume she was poor, she only had 24 pence in her purse.
Did you hear about the terrible crash at Spaghetti Junction. 12 people were injured, 3 pasta way.
How do accountants liven up their office parties?
They invite an Undertaker.
A man walks up to a stunning girl at a party and says, 'Hi, the names Bond'
'Let me guess, James Bond' replies the girl.
'No,' he says.......'Unibond....I'm here to fill your crack.'
A woman goes yo the doctors and says,' Doctor I've got an bit of an embarrassing problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.'
She disrobes behind the screen and the Doctor goes to have a look.
'Well, what's the problem he asks'
'There are 2 green circles that have appeared on the inside of my thighs.'
The doctor examines her and asks, 'have you been having an affair with a Gypsy lately?'
The woman blushes and replies, 'well, er, yes I have'.
'Ah,' the doctor says, 'that's the problem, tell him his earrings aren't made of gold'!
Beobloke
23-04-2020, 14:30
What's the difference between, Love, True Love and showing off?
Spitting, Swallowing and Gargling.
In a similar vein - What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is tickling your lover with a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
In a similar vein - What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is tickling your lover with a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
thank god for that... no mention of shagging the damn thing:eyebrows:
Beobloke
23-04-2020, 14:36
.27631
mr sneff
24-04-2020, 07:14
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkU1ob_lHCw
A special one for here :eyebrows:
During the lock-down be extra careful what you buy on eBay and make sure you check out the seller.
My mate spent £50 on a penis enlarger and they sent him a magnifying glass!
A Grandmother says to her grandson, 'would you be a darling and help Granny with her suppository'
'Of course I will Gran' replies her grandson.
She pulls down her knickers and bends over.
'Do I put it in the brown hole or feed it to the turkey?
I was waiting to use the cash machine and a little old lady was struggling to see the screen. 'Could you check my balance' she asked me.......so I pushed her over!
Guy walks into a bar and asks for an Osama Bin Laden.
'Never heard of that one before, what's in it' asks the barman.
'3 shots and a splash of water!
There's a group of Taliban standing around in a cave.
'Theres been a lot of infiltration into our organisation by the British Army, so make sure you keep an eye open'.
They all nod and agree and the leader continues, 'the first patrol tonight will be Omar Abdul Ishim and Dave Smith'!
Customer to handyman ....
are you a plumber. No
are you a sparky.......... No
are you a carpenter...... No
Well whats handy about you then ?....... Well, I live just around the corner !
mr sneff
25-04-2020, 11:30
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/optimized/3X/7/0/70c37f25d85559cb5f2a127f96a2e11a60177bd7_2_750x750 .jpeg
mr sneff
25-04-2020, 19:44
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/f/d/fd22f20f23ef9e17dcd5e321461abec0f2d98b59.jpeg
Yes - simply brilliant. The librarian certainly knows their books.
walpurgis
25-04-2020, 20:05
Clever. :)
mr sneff
25-04-2020, 20:16
https://i.ibb.co/Th5YC5z/FB-IMG-1587667310745.jpg
Works better if the image is smaller......
Haha - I took me a moment or two before I got it.
I'm no use at optical illusions. All I see is cats
mr sneff
26-04-2020, 11:08
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/optimized/3X/f/4/f4c7e6020884cd8216027a024b2fb2ff57b2e422_2_577x750 .png
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/optimized/3X/f/4/f4c7e6020884cd8216027a024b2fb2ff57b2e422_2_577x750 .png
Excellent !!!! Is that Marco's Mrs ?
Firebottle
26-04-2020, 13:37
Love it, at least it has a decent size speaker!
I've heard that since sporting events have been cancelled they are televising the World Origami championships. It's on paper view.
mr sneff
27-04-2020, 15:46
It'll soon fold......
I see ive missed some beauties there keep em coming.
This made me laugh more than it should! Perhaps Lock Down is getting to me more than I thought!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5N4mGP8zng
Pigmy Pony
29-04-2020, 08:32
This made me laugh more than it should! Perhaps Lock Down is getting to me more than I thought!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5N4mGP8zng
:lol: No, it is a good 'un, had it on my phone for a while, sent it to everyone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPDPzbLFeP4&feature=emb_rel_end
mr sneff
02-05-2020, 11:17
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/optimized/3X/c/7/c71d42697734e10d826bced17ca96fcc9d17fab1_2_750x750 .jpeg
mr sneff
02-05-2020, 11:37
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPDPzbLFeP4&feature=emb_rel_end
Brilliant!
This https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-LTRwZb35A is brilliant too!
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
***
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
***
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
***
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
***
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
***
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
***
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
***
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
***
P: IFF inoperative on OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
***
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
***
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
***
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
***
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
***
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
***
And the best one for last:
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Ali Tait
06-05-2020, 07:20
https://i.imgur.com/csJMZBm.jpg
Firebottle
06-05-2020, 08:35
Love it Ali.
Ali Tait
07-05-2020, 18:46
Yeah I liked it. :lol:
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
Ali Tait
09-05-2020, 08:31
https://i.imgur.com/7dO8ESs.jpg
Michael Gove needed some good news on the Andrew Marr show. Someone said that some Turkish gowns were available and his eyes lit up with delight.
Some complaints to the Council.
My bush is really overgrown round the front & my back passage has fungus growing in it.
It's the dog mess I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it back fired and burnt my knob of.
Their 18 yr old is continually banging his balls against my fence.
More complaints to the Council.
I wish to complain that my farther hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
I request to remove my draws in the kitchen.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot have a bathe until it is unblocked.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster & 50% are plain filthy.
I'm still having problems with smoke in my new draws
Beobloke
11-05-2020, 08:25
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200511/db9849577b5d49d80f54860c70a3274a.jpg
Pigmy Pony
11-05-2020, 16:15
These rules already in place on most council estates.
https://i.postimg.cc/25YZ2GvG/foster.jpg
cant help thinking dog would of preffered being in a better quality lager box even if it looses the pun.
Could do i think my dog caught corona (ah mebbe not they stopped making it)
Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.
Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say 'screw you.'
Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.
And last, but not least,
Canada Pension Sex.
* You get a little each month,
but not enough to enjoy yourself.
walpurgis
14-05-2020, 18:23
Posh people keep their potatoes in sex.
mr sneff
19-05-2020, 12:03
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/2/c/2c610ed603b57dac902674b153381cb0f390b9c2.jpeg
walpurgis
19-05-2020, 12:15
:D
Stratmangler
20-05-2020, 15:54
https://i.postimg.cc/dVq8FDWw/Puerile.jpg
Firebottle
20-05-2020, 16:52
:rfl:
Aarrr[emoji1787]https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200520/369af239d1eb046ef8dd906735006d79.jpg
Sent from my SM-G975F using Tapatalk
Stratmangler
20-05-2020, 17:38
:lol:
Audio Al
22-05-2020, 14:39
A young couple took their young son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
I'm really angry! This morning a huge German Shepherd did a huge poo on my front lawn...
To make matters worse, he brought his dog!
https://i.postimg.cc/ZR8GCDHV/boris.jpg
https://i.postimg.cc/g2GHWtLG/hay.jpg
https://i.postimg.cc/5289QHcg/brucie.jpg
The 7 dwarfs have been told from next Monday they can meet up in groups of 6, one of them is not happy......
mr sneff
08-06-2020, 21:07
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/original/3X/6/4/64279bef923498c2b6295ef56ecbc128ee7e0823.jpeg
The 7 dwarfs have been told from next Monday they can meet up in groups of 6, one of them is not happy......
Until she discovered Smirnoff, Snow White thought "7-up" was a soft drink
Beobloke
22-06-2020, 16:10
The re-paint of Boris Johnson's aeroplane is proceeding well. They've nearly finished the tail...
https://theartofsound.net/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=27979&d=159284220
Yes - just one more "T" to finish it off!
New guidelines for social Distancing requirements in pubs after 4th July
To comply with social distancing rules, pubs will only serve yards of ale.:lol:
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
https://i.postimg.cc/jSL38tRb/hm.jpg
mr sneff
17-07-2020, 08:43
I finally plucked up the courage to join Hypochondriacs Anonymous.
The hardest part was standing up in front of everyone and admitting I don’t have a problem.
The 7 dwarfs have been told from next Monday they can meet up in groups of 6, one of them is not happy......
One of them was Grumpy though
RobbieGong
22-07-2020, 16:11
Quote Originally Posted by Ian7633 View Post
The 7 dwarfs have been told from next Monday they can meet up in groups of 6, one of them is not happy......
One of them was Grumpy though
:D
https://i.postimg.cc/K8ytLTHs/jr.jpg
mr sneff
24-07-2020, 19:46
https://naim-discourse-files.s3.dualstack.eu-west-2.amazonaws.com/optimized/3X/e/1/e12ebe8eeeebc97c9ff76828752ff01bcbe64056_2_538x750 .jpeg
https://i.postimg.cc/VkPRCKyJ/pl.jpg
https://i.postimg.cc/WzKd7zWN/hivis.jpg
mr sneff
27-07-2020, 15:11
HiVis Presley......brilliant!
https://i.postimg.cc/WzKd7zWN/hivis.jpg
:lol:
https://i.postimg.cc/g0qP2gpR/chuck.jpg
I wonder if in Africa they have "Lynx England" that smells of cigarettes and disappointment
walpurgis
31-07-2020, 09:09
I wonder if in Africa they have "Lynx England" that smells of cigarettes and disappointment
You're thinking of the one that smells of fried onions and blocked drains.
mr sneff
31-07-2020, 14:24
I just thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EddnSqIXsAUOz5y?format=jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EWZKIt1WoAMC2wi?format=jpg&name=900x900
Beobloke
06-08-2020, 12:13
Some good news today - just got back from a doctor's appointment with the wife for her Tourette's test and it came back negative - she doesn't have it.
Unfortunately, this would appear to mean that she actually does think I'm a c**t and wants me to f**k off.
Audio Al
06-08-2020, 12:21
Some good news today - just got back from a doctor's appointment with the wife for her Tourette's test and it came back negative - she doesn't have it.
Unfortunately, this would appear to mean that she actually does think I'm a c**t and wants me to f**k off.
:lol::D
https://i.postimg.cc/CK6GSDNk/trump.jpg
https://i.postimg.cc/zfDs9mt3/fans.jpg
https://i.postimg.cc/13hFcmpV/fbbh.jpg
https://i.postimg.cc/Df6mB9BC/pg.jpg
mad-moon
23-08-2020, 00:26
I caught my friend drinking brake fluid yesterday...he confessed to drinking it for over two years. He said he could stop anytime he wanted to...
https://i.postimg.cc/13hFcmpV/fbbh.jpgMay all your doughnuts look like fanny's
Beobloke
26-08-2020, 17:59
I went to a fortune teller last week and she said I was going to come into some money.
I thought “What a load of nonsense” but then I shagged a girl called Penny last night.
Audio Al
26-08-2020, 18:33
I went to a fortune teller last week and she said I was going to come into some money.
And I thought you were having a wa-k in the till
George and his wife Betty went to the air show every year.
And every year George would say,
'Betty, I'd just love a ride in that helicopter'
Betty always replied,
'I know George, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid,
And fifty quid is fifty quid!!!!'
One year George and Betty went to the show, and George said,
'Betty, I'm 70 years old.
If I don't ride in that helicopter now, who knows, I might never get another chance'
Betty replied,
"George you know that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid'.
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word its fifty quid.'
George and Betty agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to George and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
George replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Betty fell out,
But you know,
"Fifty quid is fifty quid!'
https://i.postimg.cc/25kwg5dQ/df.jpg
Ali Tait
14-09-2020, 20:31
https://i.imgur.com/6F4mKG5.jpg
Stratmangler
19-09-2020, 16:09
https://i.postimg.cc/8Pg01nNV/Face-Mask.jpg
Beobloke
19-09-2020, 16:43
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200919/56d326a1c4258ec2afc68b45535a52bd.jpg
dave2010
27-09-2020, 12:19
Just noticed this book as an offer today on Amazon - shown on the eBay site here ....
https://www.ebay.co.uk/i/333641413879
I'm not sure if I can link directly to the image, or if that would cause problems!
:doh:
https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/CS0AAOSwCppeYjyC/s-l640.jpg
I'm waiting for the Ladybird version.
BTW have you seen the Haynes Manual on sex?
https://d32ptomnhiuevv.cloudfront.net/en-gb/sites/default/files/styles/book_thumbnail/public/product_jackets/Haynes-H6653-cover_0.jpg?itok=H-2T9SnGhttps://d32ptomnhiuevv.cloudfront.net/en-gb/sites/default/files/styles/book_thumbnail/public/product_jackets/Haynes-H6653-cover_0.jpg?itok=H-2T9SnG
Beobloke
07-10-2020, 07:54
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201007/e167e7cbcc89ac9ebe524c81eafbd7f5.jpg
mr sneff
09-10-2020, 12:09
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must Abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase, either.”
Ali Tait
09-10-2020, 17:44
https://i.imgur.com/95D4Qb9.jpg
Most people will have heard of Karl Marx but few know of his sister Onya the inventor of the starting pistol.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me”.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you..can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet.
We're outta bread; be back in five minutes:lol:
Discopants
18-10-2020, 15:51
[emoji38][emoji58][emoji51][emoji51]An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
A homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a cheque. "Also, as a bonus, here's an extra £100 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. "What's the matter," asked the homeowner, "did you forget something?"
"No," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
Donald is walking out of the Whitehouse and heading towards his limo , when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun
A secret service agent , new on the job shouts - 'Mickey Mouse'
This startles the would- be assassin and he is captured .
Later the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks - ' what the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse ?'
Blushing ,the agent replies - ' I got nervous , I meant to shout - 'Donald , Duck '
Stratmangler
21-10-2020, 07:52
https://i.postimg.cc/ZbbmKYfF/London-Boris-Manc.jpg
https://i.postimg.cc/Y9ZsXb1v/pig.jpg
Hoc Menuhttps://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201027/90740e2da527782e7a29e5d82045405f.jpg
https://youtu.be/F5nSyEb8pds
Beobloke
04-11-2020, 19:48
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201104/2e6e8601fa2a286c87e8730badbb8b17.jpg
prestonchipfryer
04-11-2020, 20:51
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201104/2e6e8601fa2a286c87e8730badbb8b17.jpg
:lol:
Paddy turns to Mick and says " I see Xmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick replies " bloody hell, hope it's not on the 13th"
And paddy says, no, its on the 21st:d
prestonchipfryer
05-11-2020, 18:15
Must watch documentary tonight on BBC2 about Covid, 9.00pm.
Two brothers from the Wuhan Research Centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on a flight that crashed in mysterious circumstances.
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intended to use it as a weapon. Someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though.
Should be really interesting.
Have a look at it, it's called Two Wongs Don't Make a Flight.
Must watch documentary tonight on BBC2 about Covid, 9.00pm.
Two brothers from the Wuhan Research Centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on a flight that crashed in mysterious circumstances.
Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain and intended to use it as a weapon. Someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though.
Should be really interesting.
Have a look at it, it's called Two Wongs Don't Make a Flight.Your name will go on the list... What is it?
I thought that was pretty funny:
Donald is walking out of the Whitehouse and heading towards his limo , when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun
A secret service agent , new on the job shouts - 'Mickey Mouse'
This startles the would- be assassin and he is captured .
Later the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks - ' what the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse ?'
Blushing ,the agent replies - ' I got nervous , I meant to shout - 'Donald , Duck '
We've got a new Restaurant just around the corner.
It's called "The Church".
The FOOD is terrible, but the SERVICE is great. :lol:
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
Shall I tell the Engineer's Joke?
Come on, let's give it a go. :)
An Engineer dies and goes to Heaven.
St. Peter is wating at the Pearly Gates. Unfortunately, due to an administrative error, he can't find the Engineer's name on his clipboard.
The Engineer gets sent to Hell. :scratch:
He finds a goodish career in Hell.
Stoking up the Fires, sharpening the pitchforks, oiling the escalators. Hell becomes significantly more efficient for the torment of the doomed. Old Nick is pleased with his profits performance.
God however is unhappy. Threatens to sue Old Nick. "My Lawyers will be in touch".
Yah, says Old Nick, and "Where you going to get a Lawyer?" :lol:
Firebottle
09-11-2020, 08:05
One of the funniest videos I have seen of late.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_UegL1R3X8
That was flippin' hilarious! :lol:
I happen to own the book of "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories". I just bought it on a whim.
The Three Little Pigs is in it.
I won't go into it too much, but the closing note is this:
Please note: The Wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing of this story.
Here's a cracker, albeit a long read, but it will repay you, I assure:
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."
:lol:
Two nuns are out in the Woods. Gathering mushrooms or something. :scratch:
They notice some terrible pervert stalking them. :eek:
They decide it might be wise to get back to the Convent. These are virtuous Catholic girls.
They quicken their pace back to the Convent. But the pervert seems to be catching them up.
After a while they decide it is looking hopeless.
Sister Smart says to Sister Dumb, "It might be wise if we split up."
That way only one of us gets caught.
Off they go in different directions.
Sister Dumb makes it back to the Convent. She is worried about Sister Smart.
But miraculously Sister Smart makes it back soon after.
"What happened ?" says Sister Dumb.
"Well" says Sister Smart, "That perv was catching up with me. So i did the only thing a girl can do in that situation and lifted my skirt. He dropped his trousers."
"I then ran back to the Convent. Because a girl lifting her skirt can outrun a man with his trousers dropped!"
And you thought this was going to be a dirty story!
Say two Hail Marys! :lol:
Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his louse to Santa?
A deep level of humour there.
Most folks wont get it. :lol:
Firebottle
18-11-2020, 07:05
'e' by gum, I think there is one too many in there.
Maybe he was bad at spelling too, I dunno, I just tell em... :scratch:
How about some really stupid ones?
My mute pigeon struggled to tell me that he tried to overthrow the government. It was an attempted coo.
I've just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA for my black jeep.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in.
:lol:
Here's one I really like:
A man goes into a library. He asks the librarian where the books about paranoia are. She says: "They are behind you!"
:lol:
I don't know many jokes about Covid-19. But we need some. Anybody?
I don't know many jokes about Covid-19. But we need some. Anybody?
See posts 1691, 1695, 1703, 1705 and 1711. :)
You want me to use Google?
I am a Linux man. Wouldn't touch it with a bargepole. :scratch:
A Roman Catholic priest, a Protestant minister and a rabbit walk in to a blood bank. The rabbit says: I think I am a type O.
:lol:
Now tell me a joke about the Germ. :)
Ali Tait
19-11-2020, 13:44
They laughed at him and called him names, so he killed them. He killed them all.
https://i.imgur.com/dCSEWyy.jpg
Ali Tait
19-11-2020, 13:46
https://i.imgur.com/rjlOpQv.jpg
walpurgis
19-11-2020, 13:50
They bungled the name of the pub.
Ali Tait
19-11-2020, 14:23
:D
Beobloke
19-11-2020, 15:24
Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his louse to Santa?
A deep level of humour there.
Most folks wont get it. :lol:
Apparently there’s now a cure for dyslexia.
This news was music to my arse.
Apparently there’s now a cure for dyslexia.
This news was music to my arse.
I didn't get that one... :(
A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
:lol:
Shall I tell you the Football Joke about Chelsea?
I know this is true because it was told to me by a Queen's Council.
It was the last game of the season. Chelsea had to win to stay up.
They lost. :rolleyes:
Yon football thug kicked a Policeman in the shin in frustration. Ended up in Court.
"Your Honour", quoth he, "we was going down."
"And so are you, young man. Two Years."
:lol:
Now tell me a joke about the Germ. :)
All you have to do is scroll back a page or two - or can't you do that? :rolleyes:
I didn't get that one... :(
I take it you were joking; either that or you don't know what dyslexia is.
Otherwise your following joke was quite good (well it put a smile on my face). :)
I did scroll back. But found few Covid Jokes worthy of my consideration.
I was expecting funnier stuff.
A man walks into a bar, Oof. It was an Iron bar. :lol:
I actually saw Tommy Cooper on stage. What a Comedian.
Beobloke
20-11-2020, 11:23
PORTSMOUTH & SURROUNDING AREAS LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL
PAULSGROVE - you are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.
LEIGH PARK - burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.
SOMERS TOWN - you can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised. Please use a child buggy for transporting large quantities of any recreational pharmaceuticals.
BUCKLAND - Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact. All knives should be sterilised prior to use.
PORTSEA/THE HARD - prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the area. Entry from the rear only.
FRATTON - Now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open and hasn't been for years.
ISLE OF WIGHT- Everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.
SOUTHSEA - Covid in these parts does not exist, therefore you should carry on as you were, house hopping, social gatherings, drunken parties and fireworks until January are mandatory, Survival of the fittest, we're currently testing 'herd immunity' in these areas.
Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together.
I was expecting funnier stuff.
A man walks into a bar, Oof. It was an Iron bar.
Irony :scratch:
Tommy Cooper's jokes were always stupid. But he was a physical comedian. Did daft magic tricks too.
His body language alone made you giggle. He sadly collapsed and died on stage.
The audience thought it was a gag. And laughed.
There was a study that said humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I think it's true, because I've never eaten a monkey.
On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.
A store worker fought off a robber with a labeling gun. The police are looking for a bald man with a price on his head.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Irony :scratch:
Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.
boom, boom
There was a study that said humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I think it's true, because I've never eaten a monkey.
On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.
A store worker fought off a robber with a labeling gun. The police are looking for a bald man with a price on his head.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
https://acegif.com/wp-content/gifs/white-flag-gif-21.gif
Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.
boom, boom
:)
Beobloke
20-11-2020, 12:44
Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.
boom, boom
The engineer's answer is - "It's like coppery, but less conductive"
walpurgis
20-11-2020, 12:53
https://i.ibb.co/Th9NYNj/mxcp-1513276255753-irony-idiot.jpg (https://imgbb.com/)
Thanks for the Pompey Covid jokes, Beobloke. Missed them first time round due to huge page size.
https://theartofsound.net/forum/showthread.php?340-Jokes-amp-Funnies&p=1236526#post1236526
snipped..for brevity
PORTSMOUTH & SURROUNDING AREAS LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL
PAULSGROVE - you are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.
LEIGH PARK - burgling homes in your local area is still permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.
SOUTHSEA - Covid in these parts does not exist, therefore you should carry on as you were, house hopping, social gatherings, drunken parties and fireworks until January are mandatory, Survival of the fittest, we're currently testing 'herd immunity' in these areas.
PORTSEA/THE HARD - prostitute services are still permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the area. Entry from the rear only.
You have to live here to get it. I live in Southsea... :lol:
https://i.ibb.co/Th9NYNj/mxcp-1513276255753-irony-idiot.jpg (https://imgbb.com/)
that's you're opinion :D
https://i.ibb.co/Th9NYNj/mxcp-1513276255753-irony-idiot.jpg (https://imgbb.com/)
Their the idiot :eyebrows:
A Poem by Marco:
"On Life."
Life presents a dismal picture,
Dull and dreary as the tomb.
Father's split his anal sphincter,
Mother's got a fallen womb.
Sister Suzie's been aborted.
For the 42nd time.
Brother Chris is hungover,
Couldn't get up till half past nine.
But we are not broken-hearted,
Nor are we down and out.
Grandpa John has just farted,
Blown his arsehole inside out.
(Ed: Really, Marco, I worry about you sometimes. But I can hardly turn down your submissions. You the boss.)
:lol:
:lolsign:
Ha - can't beat a good bit of toilet humour!:D
Marco.
I love kids. Such a certain sense of humour. :lol:
Anyway onto the Police Crime Report:
Police in Mercia have reported that P.C. John Smith was pursuing a shoplifter in a Red dress and fishnet stockings. Inspector Knacker advised his Constables to wear proper Uniform in future.
I could probably come up with some other Cop jokes. But will leave it for another night. :)
mad-moon
21-11-2020, 21:22
Their the idiot :eyebrows:
who is Their?? Is that a French name?
who is Their?? Is that a French name?
French for Terry I think
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