Jokes & Funnies [Archive] - Page 2 - The Art of Sound Forum

electric beach

09-10-2009, 15:16

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Walter.

electric beach

09-10-2009, 15:22

F16 vs. C-130

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

Us older folks understand this one.

electric beach

09-10-2009, 15:26

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

electric beach

09-10-2009, 15:34

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

Mike Reed

10-10-2009, 18:46

Well done, that man ! The one about th farmer's aligator ruse and the male agony aunt one had my wife in fits of laughter.

Mike Reed

10-10-2009, 18:53

CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that..
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Alex_UK

10-10-2009, 21:22

Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

Then he sat up and watched me all night.

Alex_UK

11-10-2009, 22:39

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's quite an inappropriate question from someone whose dick is on his face.'

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Alex_UK

12-10-2009, 16:39

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant:
France .

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris.…

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ï¿½ MANCHESTER )

Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. .. .

Richard:
He makes bread . .

Contestant:
Er . ...

Richard:
He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:
Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona .

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ..... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller:
Japan ..

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.

Caller:
Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland ?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er. ... ..

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor .

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .

Contestant:
Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall
asleep at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:
Jewish.

Presenter:
That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character
clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.

Themis

13-10-2009, 20:43

The "selective audition" syndrome is widespread among men, although it remains a mystery for most women.

For instance, when a woman says:

"Listen ! This mess is unbearable ! You and me, we'll clean it all together. Look, all your clothes are lying on the floor and if we do not wash them immediately, soon you'll have you walk naked. You help me a bit with this mess on the bed, and put some order now, I mean immediately! "

most men hear:

"Listen !.. Blablablabla .. you and me ...Blablablabla ... together ... Blablablabla... naked ...Blablablabla... on the bed ... Blablablabla...now .... Blablablabla... immediately! "

To date, no therapy seems to effectively treat this audition impairing.

Apparently, men focus their attention on the essential part.

Alex_UK

18-10-2009, 12:24

Is one of our members currently starring in the new Miike Snow video?

Could this be Beechwoods, fettling one of his latest R2R additions? :lol:

Maybe Dave Cawley just discovering the latest Techie tweak? :lolsign:

Stan working on his latest creation? ;)

Maybe this is what you find if you enter that door, between those two big Lockwood cabinets???? :D

Unless anyone else has any suggestions???!!! :eyebrows:

8oKQSAt4c4c

Beechwoods

18-10-2009, 14:20

:lol: great video! I'd say it has to be Dave 'cos the main featured reel to reel looks just like the black Akai GX-625 featured in his recent Private Exhibitions post. And besides, my hair's shorter :)

Alex_UK

28-10-2009, 21:37

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "Well, I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f*ck off.

:lol:

Themis

28-10-2009, 21:39

:lolsign::D

Barry

28-10-2009, 23:48

Themis

29-10-2009, 09:44

Oh yes ! True or not, I would love to tell any of the former girlfriends of mine who had fucked me up, to go and do the same. These days I'm now a lot more 'laid back' and mellower, so I probably wouldn't be so aggressive.

RegardsThis is not being aggressive : it's being sincere ! :lol:

The Grand Wazoo

30-10-2009, 09:18

Anyone with an interest in landlord / tenant relations should read this for tips on how to conduct a thoroughly professional and business like contractual arrangement.
Anyone else should read this for a couple of good belly laughs.

http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/The%20Landlord.pdf

Love the subject line of the final email - 'Nom nom nom' !!!

DanJennings

30-10-2009, 11:52

Alex_UK

30-10-2009, 18:32

Yep, awesome!

Stratmangler

30-10-2009, 20:17

I was sent this by email today. Apparently the sketch made it past the censors and was actually broadcast.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.  Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.    At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Chris:lolsign:

Alex_UK

30-10-2009, 20:34

Superb, Chris!

That reminds me, I need some handles for forks... ;)

Stratmangler

30-10-2009, 20:35

Superb, Chris!

That reminds me, I need some handles for forks... ;)

Wot, four candles ?

Chris:)

Mike Reed

30-10-2009, 20:55

>
>
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
> time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind this
> very village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
> love to you..'
>
>
>
> Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
>
> OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
> do it for old time's sake?'
>
> Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
>
> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
> and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see
> these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
> on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
>
>
>
> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
> support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
> tavern and make their way to the fence.
>
>
>
> The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
> leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
>
>
>
> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
> has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making
> loud noises and moaning and screaming.
>
>
>
>
> Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
>
>
>
>
> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
> and old age that he didn't know.
>
>
>
>
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
> couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
> policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
> amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
>
>
>
>
> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
> something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
> some sort of secret to this?'
>
>
>
>
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that
> wasn't an electric fence.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

The Grand Wazoo

07-11-2009, 01:38

A ventriloquist is taking a camping holiday in the country, walks past a small farmhouse and sees the farmer sitting on his porch patting his dog.

"Good morning, mind if I talk to your dog?"
"The dog doesn't talk, you stupid bastard townie"

"Hello dog, how's it going me ol' fella?"
"I'm doin' all right, sir. Thanks ever so much for askin' "

"Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the farmer)
"Yep"

"How does he treat you?"
"Really well actually. I get plenty of excercise roundin' up them ol' sheep, his missus feeds me great food and the kids take me to the park once a week to play with a ball."

The ventriloquist looks around and sees a horse in a nearby paddock
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
"Eeeerm, the horse doesn't talk either....I don't think so anyhow."

"Hey horsie, how's it going, man?"
"Cool, baby, just cool"

"Is this your owner?"
"Yeah baby, though some cats tend to think all possession is theft, y'know?"

"How does he treat you?"
"Pretty good, pretty good, and I gotta say, baby it's really cool of you to ask, maaaan. The grub's pretty groovy vegan hay, the kids ride me regularly, & his lady brushes me down and keeps me in the barn to keep me warm & dry."

The ventriloquist looks around and fixes his gaze on a distant field with some grazing livestock in it. Before he can open his mouth the farmer yells at him

"That sheep's a bloody liar."

Alex_UK

09-11-2009, 12:55

Not wanting to cr@p over Dave Cawley's SL1200 Mk6 thread so thought I'd better post it here, but the funny translation of (usually) East Asian to English has the dubious title of "Engrish" - this being by far the best example I have seen in a long while:

http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2009/10/instructions-for-the-tourist.jpg

(Actually its so funny I am wondering if it was deliberate or a fake?)

Just Google 'Engrish' for plenty more very amusing examples!

Jonboy

13-11-2009, 14:17

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new car every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
Establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
Forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

Mike

17-11-2009, 22:18

Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man
Leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You fucken idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough
With laxatives."

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too
fucken scared to cough"

The Grand Wazoo

20-11-2009, 09:01

Employee Appraisal

Trevor Adams, my assistant, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes work I assign to him on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor should be
promoted to executive management, and a my formal proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum...
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I was writing the above appraisal.
Please re-read it but this time ignore every other line.

Alex_UK

23-11-2009, 09:26

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in Southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory: On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Harry Reid: Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN

Alex_UK

24-11-2009, 11:53

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

“F*** You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

mercury1 (trolling as Dave K)

24-11-2009, 12:12

Jonboy

26-11-2009, 12:51

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled " You Can Be The Man
of Your House". He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of. this house
and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You
will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands and fluff my pillows and make me comfortable for
a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb
my hair ?"

.
.
.
./
.
.
.

The wife replied,

"The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess!"

Mike

26-11-2009, 19:09

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Mike

26-11-2009, 19:10

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifAstronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifAstrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifHorologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifMeteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifTheologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Mike

26-11-2009, 19:18

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

Mike

26-11-2009, 19:21

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Mike

26-11-2009, 19:30

Redneck Computer Terms

Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.

Jonboy

26-11-2009, 20:05

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP

from a KNEELING position ?

The record (0.757 metres) - remember this is from a KNEELING position -

was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump -

but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.....

http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/pp272/jonboy_01/hijump.jpg

Themis

26-11-2009, 20:16

(I live 2km from there) (the dog is not mine) ! :)

snapper

26-11-2009, 22:18

(I live 2km from there) (the dog is not mine) ! :)

Is the lady?

:eyebrows:

:lolsign:

Themis

26-11-2009, 22:20

No, but...... if she can jump on her knees so far... I could certainly find that useful, somehow...:eyebrows:

snapper

26-11-2009, 23:23

No, but...... if she can jump on her knees so far... I could certainly find that useful, somehow...:eyebrows:

:lol:

The Grand Wazoo

27-11-2009, 09:13

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is given the job of helping some of the other monks to copy by hand the old manuscripts with the laws of the church.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies

He says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, and everything has always been just fine but you make a good point, my son.'

The Abbot then goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees him.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing:
'That is definately an R ! ..........We missed out the R !........... We missed out the R !' ........ For pity's sake, we missed out the R ! ......... How could we have been so stupid to have not spotted that the R was missing?"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot:
'What's wrong, Father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"I just can't believe it - after all these years I find out that the word was........
...........C - E - L - E - B - R - A - T - E !!!"

REM

27-11-2009, 14:07

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Themis

28-11-2009, 19:14

The rule is :

Every girl can have at most three out of four attributes: Beautiful, nice character, intelligent, single.

The Grand Wazoo

11-12-2009, 10:57

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired to work on a building site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says:
"A wagon came yesterday, but the site's very wet so he had to tip his load of sand here near the entrance so he wouldn't get stuck in the mud. I need it over there near the cement mixer, so you guys need to shovel it up & leave the place looking spotless, 'cos the boss is coming to visit the site this afternoon & he'll kill me if he sees the entrance has been blocked. All the tools are stored in that shed over there"
He turns to the Italian:
"You're in charge of sweeping – I want the place looking immaculate".
To the Scotsman he says:
"You're in charge of shovelling – make sure you get every last bit of the sand shifted into wheelbarrows".
To the Chinese man he says:
"You can do the wheelbarrow work; make sure you get the sand proper close to the cement mixer. Oh, and I suppose you may as well be in charge of supplies too."

He then tells them he has to go somewhere but when he returns two hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.
"Why didn't you sweep any of it" he asks the Italian.
The Italian replies:
"I no gotta da broom to do-a da work. You tell-a me dat da Chinese-a guy, he suppose-a ta bring-a da supplies but he-a disappear and I no find-a heem. I'm a waitin' here all-a dis time-a for him to gimme da tools to do-a my job-a".

The foreman turns then to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
"Aye, well……..y'see, I couldnae get masell a shovel. Ye left the wee Chinese manny in charge ae supplies but I couldnae fin' um – I'd be sittin' on ma aerse til this time the mons morn uf ye hadnae turnt up jest noo "
The foreman is furious and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

"Supplies!!!"

Covenant

11-12-2009, 15:00

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired to work on a building site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says:
"A wagon came yesterday, but the site's very wet so he had to tip his load of sand here near the entrance so he wouldn't get stuck in the mud. I need it over there near the cement mixer, so you guys need to shovel it up & leave the place looking spotless, 'cos the boss is coming to visit the site this afternoon & he'll kill me if he sees the entrance has been blocked. All the tools are stored in that shed over there"
He turns to the Italian:
"You're in charge of sweeping – I want the place looking immaculate".
To the Scotsman he says:
"You're in charge of shovelling – make sure you get every last bit of the sand shifted into wheelbarrows".
To the Chinese man he says:
"You can do the wheelbarrow work; make sure you get the sand proper close to the cement mixer. Oh, and I suppose you may as well be in charge of supplies too."

He then tells them he has to go somewhere but when he returns two hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.
"Why didn't you sweep any of it" he asks the Italian.
The Italian replies:
"I no gotta da broom to do-a da work. You tell-a me dat da Chinese-a guy, he suppose-a ta bring-a da supplies but he-a disappear and I no find-a heem. I'm a waitin' here all-a dis time-a for him to gimme da tools to do-a my job-a".

The foreman turns then to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
"Aye, well……..y'see, I couldnae get masell a shovel. Ye left the wee Chinese manny in charge ae supplies but I couldnae fin' um – I'd be sittin' on ma aerse til this time the mons morn uf ye hadnae turnt up jest noo "
The foreman is furious and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

"Supplies!!!"

Brilliant joke Chris but just change Irishman to Scotsman in the first line....

The Grand Wazoo

11-12-2009, 18:23

Thanks Jerry - I did stuff it up a bit didn't I?

Themis

11-12-2009, 18:27

Supplies !!!! :D

Jonboy

11-12-2009, 22:37

http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/pp272/jonboy_01/tiger.jpg

sburrell

15-12-2009, 22:36

Just got these in an email entitled "Computer Upgrades 2009" from someone who works in the health care industry---just a little exegetic detail that adds poignancy to one or two.
http://lh5.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMj9yhiBI/AAAAAAAAAMo/zLSvSqVtbRE/s400/003d01ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh3.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMkEnSPfI/AAAAAAAAAMs/j5hyDEqZNFM/s400/003e01ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh4.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMkUzaVTI/AAAAAAAAAMw/40YQu7eAsmI/s800/003f01ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh6.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMkU_sZUI/AAAAAAAAAM0/Z9i4KOL-_14/s400/004a01ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh5.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMksi65-I/AAAAAAAAAM4/w3B6Jxg2KXo/s800/004001ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh3.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMvcKV3DI/AAAAAAAAAM8/aCo2o7yplwI/s800/004101ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh4.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMvsspzRI/AAAAAAAAANA/1Z69DuBj3KQ/s400/004201ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh4.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMv1OogLI/AAAAAAAAANE/h1wli1F_500/s400/004301ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh3.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMv5uDenI/AAAAAAAAANI/4DTXFTnHso4/s400/004401ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh3.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygMwBkqzeI/AAAAAAAAANM/-HWBn-MWBgU/s400/004501ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh5.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygM5iACI3I/AAAAAAAAANQ/TxvbVqlcNcE/s800/004601ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh6.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygM5lmH2JI/AAAAAAAAANU/Dxqe72WlNTI/s800/004701ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh4.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygM5z4AMkI/AAAAAAAAANY/TMntgVTqtaA/s400/004801ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg
http://lh5.ggpht.com/_gXAKzRcxI1U/SygM6JkolZI/AAAAAAAAANc/6ZW5jU9HnF8/s400/004901ca7693%241eadd7e0%2450916351.jpeg

Oh, Jonboy, re-up the kneeling jump photo? The suspense is terrible :)

Alex_UK

18-12-2009, 10:32

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

Jonboy

18-12-2009, 11:23

How to tell when a banana has gone bad . . . .

http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/pp272/jonboy_01/bannan.jpg

webby

18-12-2009, 18:29

Why do scuba divers enter the sea falling backwards?

Cos if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat!

Alex_UK

18-12-2009, 19:51

Groan! Stop pinching jokes off Dylan! ;)

REM

24-12-2009, 13:21

Wal Mart Diagnosis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant; twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

Alex_UK

09-01-2010, 16:15

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already. :lol:

Themis

09-01-2010, 17:06

Rare Bird

23-01-2010, 12:58

Two women talking. Do you look at your husband when you make love? I did once & saw anger in his eyes. Why anger? Because he was watching from the window.

The Grand Wazoo

12-02-2010, 09:38

Two Friends Meet in Heaven
Paula: "Hello there Jane, what on earth are you doing here?"

Jane: "Hi Paula, I suppose God just thought it was my time. How did you die?"

Paula: "I froze to death."

Jane: "Oh, how horrible!"

Paula: "It wasn't so bad. After I finished shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Jane: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that Jim was playing away, so I went home early from shopping to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the living room, drinking beer and watching the football."

Paula: "So, what happened?"

Jane: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up the stairs, I checked the bedrooms, and then ran down into the cellar. Then I went through every cupboard and ran back upstairs to check under all the beds. I climbed into the loft and searched through all the boxes we keep up there. I ran down to the garage then checked the garden shed & I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

Paula: "Jim always told me you were stupid - You should've checked the freezer you silly cow. If you'd done that, we'd both still be alive."

The Grand Wazoo

12-02-2010, 09:39

A burglar breaks into a house one night. He shines his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says, "Both God and Jesus know you're here."

He nearly jumps out of his skin, clicks his torch off, and freezes.

There's not a sound, so after a few seconds, he shakes his head and continues.

As he starts disconnecting the wires on the back of the hi-fi, clear as a bell he hears:

"Did you hear me? Both God and Jesus are watching you."

Now, he's getting really freaked out, so he shines his light around frantically, looking for where the voice is coming from.

Finally, in the corner of the room, the beam of the torch comes to rest on a cage. Inside the cage is a parrot.

In a shaky voice, he says to the parrot: "Did you say that?"

"Yep", the parrot confesses. Then it squawks, "I'm just trying to warn you that they're watching you."

The burglar relaxes a little. "You were trying to warn me, eh? Who in the hell are you to lecture me about religion?"

"Well, seeing as you ask, my name is Moses." replies the bird.

"Moses?…………..Moses? Hahahaha!!" the burglar laughs. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a pair of Rottweilers Jesus and God"

The Grand Wazoo

26-02-2010, 12:27

An extraordinarily handsome and wealthy man decided he had a responsibility to mankind to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

After years of searching, he met a man who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission and asked for permission to marry one of them and promised that in exchange there would be a huge sum of money.

The father simply replied:
'Well I'm not a rich man & could always do with a bit of extra cash. They're all hoping to get married and the only way they see out of our poor life of poverty is to find a rich husband, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man took the first daughter to a restaurant that evening and the next day the father asked for his opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit …….so as you'd hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The father nodded and suggested the man go out with one of the other girls so that evening, the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the father again asked how things went.

'Well,' the man replied, 'she's just a weeee bit …….so as you'd hardly notice...cross-eyed.'
The father nodded and suggested the third girl to see if things might be better. So that's what he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming:
'She's perfect, just perfect, she's the one I want to marry.'

So he paid the father a cheque for a million pounds and they were married the next week on a special licence.

Months later there was a happy event and a baby was born. When the man visited maternity ward he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and demanded his money back because he couldn't understand how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of both the parents.

'Wee…eell,' explained the father: …... 'She was just a weeeee bit…….so as you'd hardly notice…..pregnant when you met her.'

goraman

02-03-2010, 07:19

I don't know if you guys have seen Bevis and Butthead but this picture says it all.
This girl could be his twin sister,if he wasen't a cartoon.

captain

02-03-2010, 07:59

The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should behere soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . . ."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith interrupted.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, ummm.. equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam ? Madam?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted !!!"

Themis

02-03-2010, 20:05

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Themis

10-03-2010, 13:41

P5_Msrdg3Hk

Rare Bird

10-03-2010, 17:29

Happy & Sad

A husband & wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife & said...''Babe, tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time''.

She said... ''You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates''.

:lol:

Rare Bird

10-03-2010, 17:52

I drove into the back of someone this morning. Got out to the assess the damage as did the guy i drove into. Couldn't believe it when he got out, he was a dwarf! He said ''I'm not fuk**g Happy!''. I said, ''So which one are you then?!''

:lol:

The Grand Wazoo

10-03-2010, 17:52

Dimitri,
That's great! - I could do with one of those every now & again.

I understand there's a similar phenomenon to be witnessed when Marco bends over to pick up a heavy item from the floor!

Rare Bird

10-03-2010, 17:56

Paddy in bed with his wife. Her mobile rings at 3am. Paddy answers it then angrily replies ''Why don't you f**k off & ring the weather office?'' He says it was ''Some c**t askin if the coast was clear.''

:lolsign:

Rare Bird

10-03-2010, 21:01

Sorry if i've offended some with my jokes as i know there's plenty of ''switch the light off before i take my pants off in the bedroom at nights guys'' ;)

Jonboy

10-03-2010, 21:05

Top stuff Andre keep em coming

Themis

10-03-2010, 21:44

Sorry if i've offended some with my jokes as i know there's plenty of ''switch the light off before i take my pants off in the bedroom at nights guys'' ;)
No worries, mate, we're rather "put the beam light on spot, baby" guys ! :lol:

Rare Bird

10-03-2010, 23:01

Bloke proposes to girlfriend but tells her he has a deformity, my penis is baby-size. His girlfriend tells him i will marry u & learn to live with ur baby-size penis. They marry and on the honeymoon they start touching each other. She slides her hand in his pants, screams & runs. He runs after her totally embarrassed! U told me ur penis was baby-size she says. It is, he explains, it's 8lb 7oz & 18inches long!

:eek:

goraman

11-03-2010, 03:47

The expert nimrod,

A new member walked in to the hunting lodge and asked for a drink then declared he had lost his wallet.
The other members where concerned how he would pay his tab.

The man replyed by winning a bet, Blind fold me and bring me your pelts and I'll tell you what it is and what it was killed with.

They doubble blind folded him then brought him the first pelt.
" a black bear, he ran his fingers over the hole and said killed by a 30-06 Winchester silver tip 180 grain bullet.

The other hunters marveled at his skill as he was dead on.

Next pelt, This is a mule dear killed by an arrow, with a tribladed head from 30 yards out.
agein he was right on the money.
After 16 animals he earned 16 shots and prooved his skill while getting pretty drunk.

The next day he came back with his girl freind and a black eye.

She asked them not to give him any drinks agein.
The guys all asked why.

She said, " he came home all drunk and put his hand down my panties,and yelled SKUNK, WITH A HATCHET!!!

Rare Bird

14-03-2010, 18:22

A binman knocks on a chinese take-away door. A chi*ky answer's ''harro, wot u wan''. The binman ask's ''where's ya bin''. ''I bin on loo'' say's the chi*k. ''No mate, where's ya dustbin'', '' I dust bin on loo'' say's the chi*k. ''No, no mate, where's ur wheelie bin''. ''Hokay. I wheelie bin hanin a wank''.

:lol:

Rare Bird

15-03-2010, 21:05

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory, the manager ask's ''have you worked with chemicals before''? Yes Paddy replied. The manager then ask's ''can you tell me what nitrate is''Paddy replies ''yes it's time and a half''.

:lolsign:

Rare Bird

15-03-2010, 21:09

2 gays Rupert + Cecil are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing vaseline in his chest. Cecil said ''what are you doing''? Rupert said ''i read in a gay mag that vaseline stimulates hair growth, i want an hairy chest''. Cecil said ''don't be so fu**ing stupid, if that was true i'd have a ponytail sticking out of my arse''.

:lol:

Rare Bird

15-03-2010, 22:04

An Irish woman was admitted to Hospital after having Phone Sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas & a Samsung. No Siemen was found

:eek:

Themis

16-03-2010, 20:03

:lolsign:

Alex_UK

16-03-2010, 20:14

Andre you are so "wrong" on every count, but I did smirk... ;)

Alex_UK

06-04-2010, 10:27

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...

She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in Intensive Care! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead... Show me what you bought."

DSJR

06-04-2010, 10:38

Legitimate companies, who (perhaps?) didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear!
These are not made up.
Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents'is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com <http://www.whorepresents.com/>

2. 'Experts Exchange'is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange..com <http://www.expertsexchange.com/>

3. Looking for a great pen? Look
no further than' Pen Island '.
It can be found at:
www.penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net/>

4. Need a therapist? Try
'Therapist Finder' at:
www.therapistfinder.com <http://www.therapistfinder.com/>

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/>

6.'IP computer'software, there's always:
www.ipanywhere.com <http://www.ipanywhere.com/>

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art'
await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com <http://www.speedofart.com/>

Rare Bird

21-04-2010, 10:40

This sexy bird looked at my beer belly & said ''Is that Carlsberg or Tetleys''?
I said ''There's a tap underneith love if you wana taste it''!

:rolleyes:

Rare Bird

21-04-2010, 10:47

WOMENS LONELY HEARTS AD:
What they really mean:

ADVENTUROUS= Slut
Athletic= No tits
30= 45
FUN= Annoying
WILD= Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES= Face like a robber's dog
SEEKING KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR= Ex husbands a ferkin nutter
NEW AGE= Hairy with smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG= Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING= Alcoholic
CURVY= Fat C*unt
CUDDLY= Fat C*nt
LIKE EATING OUT= Greedy fat C*nt
LIKES NIGHTS IN= Lazy fat C*nt

:lolsign:

captain

23-04-2010, 21:26

Do not press the button LINK (http://cartoon-cute-horse.lama.101main.com/dororityous.html)

The Grand Wazoo

23-04-2010, 22:43

The Unforseen Consequences of Deforestation.............

http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/Deforestation_Problem1.jpg

Barry

25-04-2010, 00:17

The Unforseen Consequences of Deforestation.............

http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/Deforestation_Problem1.jpg

Good one! Was it posed, or is it a skillful application of digital composition?

The Grand Wazoo

25-04-2010, 08:35

Good one! Was it posed, or is it a skillful application of digital composition?

I don't have a clue, I'm afraid, Barry. However, I'd find it pretty incredible if they were posed. Knowing our dog.........

Stratmangler

25-04-2010, 09:00

Spotted this on another forum.

AgRzytxGV8I

Themis

25-04-2010, 09:22

Three guys are stuck on a desert island. Soon they start being bored.
- "We could play some golf, and spend some time having fun", says the first one. "I have two balls, I could cut myself one, so that we have a ball".
- "Nice idea", says the second. "I have a long member, we could use that as a stick !".

Then they both look at the third. After a couple of seconds, he says:
- "No, I won't play".

:lol:

REM

25-04-2010, 13:21

http://i909.photobucket.com/albums/ac294/Vinylista/12_ass.jpg

Barry

25-04-2010, 22:35

Spotted this on another forum.

AgRzytxGV8I

Lord - I laughed so much I nearly fell off my chair! And that only happens when I read some of the more 'smutty' jokes posted here.

Thanks

Alex_UK

01-05-2010, 19:02

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow (allegedly!)

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!!

The Grand Wazoo

03-05-2010, 09:29

A little old lady goes into a car spares shop and spends ages wandering up and down all of the aisles in the shop, looking carefully at all the goods on sale. She begins to look confused, so the manager sends one of his staff over to ask if he can be of assistance.

"Good morning madam. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"Yes, some help would be very welcome, young man. I can't seem to find what I'm looking for - I need a new seven hundred and ten, my old one seems to have gone missing"

"A seven hundred & ten, madam?"

"Yes, that's right. My old seven hundred and ten must have fallen off, so I need a new one - but you don't seem to have any. When will you be getting your next delivery of seven hundred and tens?"

"I'm not sure I know exactly what it is you're looking for. Perhaps you could describe it for me. Where exactly is it in your car?"

"I told you, young man, it fell off, it's not in my car anymore. It was inside - it's a seven hundred and ten. It was under the thing, you know, and on top of the big bit............right in the middle.....on top. It's a seven hundred and ten"

"I'm sorry madam, I still don't really know what it is you need can you explain a little more please?"

"I'm getting rather impatient with you - I'm 74 years old you know, and you're just being rude"

"I'm sorry madam, but without knowing exactly what it is you need, I can't help you. Can you give me a description of what it looks like?

"I told you, I need a seven hundred and ten, my old one has fallen off. What more do you need to know?"

"I'm sorry madam, but I need to know a little more before I can help you properly - why don't you come with me to the counter & maybe you could draw the part for me"

"Well, all right, but I don't see why you can't just tell me where you keep the seven hundred and tens"

So they go up to the counter and the assistant hands the little old lady a pen and a piece of paper.

"There you go madam, now if you draw the thing you're looking for, I'm sure we can help you right away"

So the little old lady drew a picture.........................

...........and this is what she drew...........................

http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/8821/oilfillercap.jpg

Stratmangler

05-05-2010, 00:08

http://i960.photobucket.com/albums/ae88/Stratmangler/celtic_pa_a1d9dc0917508bf5d4a3be013.jpg

REM

07-05-2010, 08:57

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me "The Prime Minister."

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
"Government."

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you "The People."

The nanny, we will consider her "The Working Class."

And your baby brother, we will call him "The Future."

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

:cool:

Rare Bird

07-05-2010, 21:27

A taliban deserter is dying from lack of water in the desert when he comes across a market stall selling ties, the taliban says ''have you got any water?'' No said the stall holder, but would you like to buy a tie for a tenner? ''f*ck off'' said the taliban i need water..i should kill you but i need to drink first. The stall holder said i will rise above your bad behaviour & tell you where you can find water..''if you walk for 2 miles towards the sun you will find a restraunt where they serve ice cold water free of charge''.

Off the taliban goes, after 5 hours he comes back nearly dead & says to the stall holder ''You C*nt your brother wont let me in without a tie

:lolsign:

aquapiranha

07-05-2010, 21:35

Stratmangler

11-05-2010, 13:24

http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer1.gif

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer2.gifhttp://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer2.gifhttp://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer2.gifhttp://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer2.gif
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer2.gifhttp://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer2.gifhttp://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer2.gifhttp://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa52/Bev1244/misc%20images/beer2.gif

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that
100% of the test subjects

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive..

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

http://greatestprobowlsever.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/german-beer-girls.jpg

Mike

11-05-2010, 15:34

Wow, nice jugs... all five of them!

Ali Tait

11-05-2010, 15:40

F'nar F'nar!

goraman

12-05-2010, 04:30

This is the best thing youtube has ever produced.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZN5PoW7_kdA

Well mabey it's a tie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHkfPjW0aRg

One for the phone techs out there.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4GhMYxE2Lc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=playnmJB_TI

Rare Bird

12-05-2010, 20:52

Why is it that single Women don't fart?

They don't get an arsehole till they get married

:eyebrows:

Themis

13-05-2010, 10:00

How to kill a dragon and save a princess in different metal genres:

HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

Barry

14-05-2010, 17:46

Nice one Dimitri! :lolsign:

Regards

Stratmangler

14-05-2010, 18:38

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Rare Bird

14-05-2010, 18:45

Father & son in supermarket. ''Dad, what are these?''..''That's a 3 pack of condoms son for secondary lads. ''1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night & 1 for Sunday night''

''What about the 6 pack dad?''...''Those are for University lads. ''2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night & 2 for Sunday night''.

''Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?. ''Married men son...1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March & so on.

:lolsign:

Barry

14-05-2010, 19:29

Marco

20-05-2010, 08:52

Indeed... You just wait for the (solidified) crust to give way, and then they fall off themselves! :eyebrows:

Marco.

REM

20-05-2010, 14:18

DEMENTIA QUIZ

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE

HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

:lol:

Barry

20-05-2010, 18:25

Indeed... You just wait for the (solidified) crust to give way, and then they fall off themselves! :eyebrows:

Marco.

Good to see that the 'smut quotient' here on AoS has not diminished under the new ownership! :doh:

Regards

Alex_UK

29-05-2010, 21:19

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Alex_UK

04-06-2010, 13:10

Thanks to Popbitch for this one:

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Rare Bird

04-06-2010, 18:13

Tip of the day..Never confuse laxatives with Viagra. It makes you crap in bed

:)

Rare Bird

04-06-2010, 18:14

My wife has thrown me out, because she's fed up with me masturbating in bed every night. She said it was getting on her tits

:eyebrows:

Rare Bird

04-06-2010, 18:19

Pensioners bus outting to skegness...Old tom is walking up the aisle when the bus jolts, he lands on an old ladies lap & his elbow pokes her breast. I'm sorry says tom but if your heart is as soft as your breast i'll see you in heaven. Old lady replies if your cock is as hard as your elbow i'll see you in skegness

:lol:

Marco

04-06-2010, 18:53

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..... The last one was f*cking hilarious!!! :lol: :lol: :lolsign:

Marco.

Rare Bird

04-06-2010, 21:13

:eyebrows:

A professor has found after extensive research there are two sizes of penis amongst UK men. There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches while erect. The professor has appealed for help to continue his research...Could all men in the UK with extremly small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars?

:)

Primalsea

05-06-2010, 13:39

Two pikey women are stealing carrots from a farmers field when one of them pulls a huge great carrot from the ground.

"That reminds me of my old man's cock" she remarked.

"what is it, the length or the thickness that makes you think that" the other woman said.

"neither, it's that it's covered in dirt" the first one replied.

quadsugdenman

05-06-2010, 14:02

The Queen has just given Sarah Ferguson her birthday present, a big black Mercedes and............................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................. a trip to a Paris hotel via the underpass network!!!!!!!

electric beach

16-06-2010, 13:24

I send £2 to a starving african and what does he do? Buys a flippin' trumpet!

Alex_UK

16-06-2010, 21:24

I send £2 to a starving african and what does he do? Buys a flippin' trumpet!

That is a bit naughty, but very funny!

Rare Bird

17-06-2010, 09:34

retro

17-06-2010, 15:29

Do you know the difference between a friend and a good friend?
A friend will help you, and a good friend will help you remove the body...

Rare Bird

17-06-2010, 20:20

Man naked, Looks in the mirror and says to his wife ''Why do i always get a hard on when i look at myself?''..Wife says ''Coz even your cock thinks your a c*nt...

:lol:

Jonboy

17-06-2010, 21:17

I liked that one :D

Alex_UK

19-06-2010, 22:09

Old Jokes Home:

Q: What is a pirate's favourite shop?
A: Arrrrrrrgos.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Well I thought it was funny, thanks Popbitch...

RIP H from Steps? (http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/09/10/rip-h-from-steps/)

Alex_UK

22-06-2010, 07:47

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words. There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Krisbee

25-06-2010, 20:58

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legsgot wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The arsehole is usually in charge

Barry

26-06-2010, 00:37

:lolsign:

That's for both Alex's and Chris's jokes.

Regards

Alex_UK

26-06-2010, 17:38

'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

A Boston girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

Marco

26-06-2010, 18:17

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered hers in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says:

'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!

:eyebrows:

Marco.

Alex_UK

06-07-2010, 20:11

The Nigerian Goalkeeper says he will refund travel and ticket costs to all those who went to South Africa for the World Cup.

All he needs is your bank details and your mother's maiden name.

Jonboy

19-07-2010, 11:20

The American: businesslike, unwilling to be distracted.

The Canadian: self-absorbed and disconnected from reality.

The Italian and the French: "LOOK AT THAT ASS!"

http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/pp272/jonboy_01/cid_6A236FC7-48F2-4F58-AD54-23149C6.jpg

Techno Commander

20-07-2010, 00:18

# Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and apply gentle pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

# Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

# Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

# Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

# Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

# Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

# Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

# Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

# Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

# Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

# Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

# Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to miss cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

# Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

# Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

# Call RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Mike

20-07-2010, 00:25

Andy, I always find that funny. Thanks for the reminder. :lol:

Here's a version with pictures:

http://theartofsound.net/forum/showthread.php?t=3370&highlight=give+cat+pill

Techno Commander

20-07-2010, 00:45

I know, I had tears running down my face reading it.

Definitely a case of been there done that and lost. :)

Techno Commander

20-07-2010, 23:05

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After €255,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

However, the Irish government was still unsatisfied with these findings and conducted their own study. After 4 days and a cost of around £37.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Joe

23-07-2010, 16:08

Q. What do you get if you cross a member of the Mafia with a sociologist?

A. An offer you can't understand.

The Grand Wazoo

31-07-2010, 13:57

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a pensioner a chance?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a fascist. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket... This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Actually, we didn't care too much. We came into town by bus.
..........It's important at our age to have a little fun every now & then.

REM

01-08-2010, 10:20

*A THAI LOVE STORY*

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine."

Alex_UK

31-08-2010, 07:39

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Jonboy

31-08-2010, 14:11

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box ofbandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

Techno Commander

31-08-2010, 19:20

Brilliant.:lol::lol:

The Grand Wazoo

03-09-2010, 09:17

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Soon, another young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, a young woman again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

'THE TEETH.'

quadsugdenman

03-09-2010, 23:42

Absolutey brilliant Chris :D:D

Alex_UK

09-09-2010, 11:22

http://friendsofirony.com/ - Here are a few choice cuts...

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/4d87a683-6a9f-4de2-9c04-e76a1ca4310f.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/59c0a56a-5917-4105-8530-93afa920c44e.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/7b63ac76-a5da-4e2d-b948-f3d21814be37.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/c0f3ca17-a6fe-4694-b1d0-3ed0677c5f5b.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/41eff5cd-d2de-4d0f-b22d-5863136c6061.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/cd1268c3-50b1-4a55-ae42-7ed95c369008.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/f907d545-7c34-4681-a2f5-d365e65aa5a9.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/129203044129002400.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129189093879648344.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129180887294063591.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129181959903099227.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129182711671990148.jpg

http://friendsofirony.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129165018837367400.jpg

Techno Commander

09-09-2010, 17:20

Excellent pictures. The Cheezburger network is always worth a mooch. :)

Mart

09-09-2010, 23:01

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y104/M4rt/Odds/turdbusters.jpg

Techno Commander

09-09-2010, 23:06

That reminds me of this one.

http://failads.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/who-shat-license.jpg

Mart

10-09-2010, 06:27

Beaut

Wonder how much thats worth in the plumbing trade.

Mart

10-09-2010, 06:34

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y104/M4rt/Odds/20050527-1.jpg

Mart

17-09-2010, 01:21

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Mart

17-09-2010, 01:21

How do you confuse and Archeologist?

Give him a Tampon and ask him what period it was from.

Mart

17-09-2010, 01:23

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"

"I can’t concentrate," replied the boy. "I’ve fallen in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday; but I don’t want a child."

"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."

Mart

17-09-2010, 01:25

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

The Grand Wazoo

18-09-2010, 22:06

Kulula Air is a budget airline in South Africa that tries not to take itself too seriously.

http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/GreenPlane.jpg
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4024/4288986922_cff14581cf.jpg
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2685/4288247537_cbcc5a712e.jpg
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4045/4288246205_0ca4736dac.jpg

The captain’s window is marked with the big cheese (”captain, my captain!”), the co-pilot’s window with co-captain (the other pilot on the PA system) and the jump seat is for wannabe pilots.

In addition, the following descriptions of plane parts can be found:

•galley (cuppa anyone?)
•avionics (fancy navigation stuff)
•windows (best view in the world)
•wing #1 and #2
•engine #1 and #2 (26 000 pounds of thrust)
•emergency exit = throne zone (more leg room baby!)
•seats (better than taxi seats)
•some windows = kulula fans (the coolest peeps in the world)
•black box (which is actually orange)
•landing gear (comes standard with supa-fly mags)
•back door (no bribery/corruption here)
•tail (featuring an awesome logo)
•loo (or mile-high club initiation chamber)
•rudder (the steering thingy)
•stabiliser (the other steering thingy)
•a.p.u. (extra power when you need it most)
•galley (food, food, food, food…)
•boot space
•ZS-ZWP (OK-PIK) = secret agent code (aka plane’s registration)
•overhead cabins (VIP seating for your hand luggage)
•fuel tanks (the go-go juice)
•cargo door
•aircon ducts (not that kulula needs it… they’re already cool)
•front door (our door is always open … unless we’re at 41 000 feet)
•cockpit window = sun roof
•nose cone (radar, antenna, and a really big dish inside)

And apparently this is all true:

attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .... To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

11. Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

12. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

13. After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

14. Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light "em, you can smoke 'em."

Techno Commander

19-09-2010, 11:22

I was in South Africa a couple of years ago. I took this photo of a Kulula aircraft because I was impressed with its paint job. :)

http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/gg116/sillystuff99/africa/Plane.jpg

Rare Bird

21-09-2010, 19:55

A Woman in a jewelry shop..
She farts while bending over to look at a ring. She realizes the shop assistant is standing behind the counter, she hopes he didnt hear. She asks him ''how much the ring is''..He replies: you farted just looking at it, you'll shit ya pants when i tell you the price.

:lol:

Techno Commander

05-10-2010, 11:39

Suicide Bombers to go on strike in Britain

Suicide bombers 'fed up;' want benefits promised to them

September 21, 2010 4:55 p.m. EDT

London, England -- Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%. The cut is expected to start this February, reducing the number of virgins from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace."

He continued, "Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up tomorrow."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in these areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been linked to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Grez

05-10-2010, 17:25

Plantagenet Gribbs, the infamous London flasher, today announced the reversal of his decision to retire in November. In a statement to the press he said that he was going to stick it out for another year.

... you know, I could have written them for the Two Ronnies!

;)

Grez

05-10-2010, 17:32

SUBTLE ART GALLERY JOKE

http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u253/grezh/camouflage.jpg
:)

The Grand Wazoo

29-10-2010, 23:15

Just for Alex:

A guy walks into a pub & orders three pints. He takes them to a table in the corner, sits down and drinks all three by taking just one sip from each one in turn, then back to the first and around again.

He takes his glasses back to the bar on his way out of the pub, puts them on the table & says good evening to the barman.

The barman says:
"You know that your beer goes flat after just a short while, I don't mind pouring three pints for you over the course of a couple of hours - it's no problem you know"

The guy explains:
"I did what I did because of a promise to my two brothers who I haven't seen for years since one moved to Canada & the other to Australia. We all swore that whenever we drank for ourselves, we'd drink for the three of us. It's a family tradition, so when I go into a pub I get a drink for each of us. They do the same when they go drinking".

The barman says:
"Well, I apologise for my thoughtlessness, I only wish I had such a tight bond with the members of my family. In fact, I'm going to take a leaf out of your book & when I finish my shift, I'm going to give my sister in Scotland a call to make sure everything is OK with her. Thanks a lot - I've learnt a lot from you tonight!"

So the guy comes back every night that week & acts out the same ritual, ordering three pints and sipping alternately from each in turn till they're all gone, returning his glasses to the bar, saying goodnight & leaving.

A couple of weeks later, he walks in & all the locals say hello to him, he goes up to the bar & orders two pints.

.........a complete silence falls over the bar.

The guy looks very nervous & twitchy, sad & thoughtful.

........silence hangs over the room for ages as all eyes watch him sipping from his two pints.

Just as he drains the last drop from the glasses, the barman makes his way over to his table & says:
"I'm so sorry to bother you, you're obviously suffering terrible grief at the moment .........from your loss. It just occurred to me that you brought me so close to my sister, I feel such gratitude towards you & all my customers are so obviously moved by your sorrow..........is there anything we can do to ease your grieving?"

The guy looks confused for a moment & then the penny drops.
"No, no, you've got it all wrong - it's just that I've given up drinking".

jantheman

04-11-2010, 11:44

Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a womens breast and play music. The iTit will cost £399 and is regarded a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!!!

Batty

25-11-2010, 01:42

I heard a report that Sir Elton John is getting a divorce as his husband is having sex behind his back.

Jonboy

29-11-2010, 12:05

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Alex_UK

09-12-2010, 11:39

Worth 4 minutes 11 seconds of your time, and if you don't laugh, you must be dead...

htU6qYsLsEE

Marco

11-12-2010, 23:58

Does it still count if you only lightly soiled your nappy-ette? :eyebrows:

Marco.

Jonboy

12-12-2010, 00:10

i thought you kept Tennor for men in business king of the nappie boys Marco, Bitty, Bitty

The Grand Wazoo

17-12-2010, 08:39

A bloke buys a parrot as a Christmas present for his son. The parrot turns out to be evil, pecking everyone in sight and with an uncanny knowledge of swearwords and insults. So in the few days before Christmas, the guy decides that before his son gets his present, he's going to try to clean up the violent, foul mouthed birds act.

He tries and tries to change the bird's attitude by saying only polite friendly words, playing soft music and anything else he can think of.

Finally, he gets completely fed up and he yells at the parrot. The parrot yells back. He shakes the parrot and the parrot gets angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, he shouts: "I'll teach you, you dirty little bastard", grabs the bird and chucks him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawks and screams, his swearing becoming worse & worse. Then suddenly there's total silence.

The silence continues for several minutes so the guy goes to read his paper.

After another 10 minutes, he starts to feel sorry for the parrot & realises he may have put it at severe risk, he runs to the kitchen & quickly opens the freezer door.

The parrot calmly steps out onto the guy's arm and says: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

The guy is stunned at the complete change in the bird's attitude & he puts him on his shoulder and feeds him a nut. The parrot starts to compliment the guy on the way his beautiful home is decorated and how he must be very wealthy and clever to earn enough to buy such nice things for himself and his family.

After a while the bird goes quiet for a while and then asks in a humble voice: "May I ask what it was that the turkey did to upset you?"

Alex_UK

13-01-2011, 13:42

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Ali Tait

14-01-2011, 18:30

Had to post a pic of the T-shirt my other half just got me-

http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/4277/tshirtgxi.jpg (http://img696.imageshack.us/i/tshirtgxi.jpg/)

Techno Commander

14-01-2011, 19:45

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."

Beechwoods

17-01-2011, 23:43

OY_3h7hm8Vo

Marco

18-01-2011, 00:04

Excellent! That's a bit like Fonejacker... One of my favourite programmes! :)

Marco.

Stratmangler

18-01-2011, 13:30

OWtDpGM36J8

Marco

18-01-2011, 13:52

Hahahaha... What a thick mare! :lol:

It's the way she looks back, though, after getting out of the fountain, as if to say: 'who the fuck put that there??', that compounds her stupidity even further!! :mental:

That's the problem with folk these days glued to their bloody mobiles!! ;)

Marco.

Techno Commander

18-01-2011, 20:31

i-Sleep

There's a nap for that

Techno Commander

27-01-2011, 17:24

I met a lovely girl on the Internet a few months ago, she is sexy, funny, smart and very compassionate. Despite being only 16 she is very mature and intelligent for her age.

We recently started sharing sexy photos and stories, she really turns me on and says that I turn here on! I think we might be in love!

Yesterday she told me she is a police officer.

How cool is that for her age? :)

Alex_UK

03-02-2011, 21:06

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

Techno Commander

03-02-2011, 23:54

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!"

Alex_UK

10-02-2011, 15:36

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: ‘Sure go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£70,000?'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950,000?'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open...

He smiles and asks, 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Rare Bird

11-02-2011, 08:18

:lolsign:

WAD62

11-02-2011, 15:20

I was in a night club the other weekend, and by the dancefloor looking very lonely was a great big fat lass...

I went over and asked her if she had a pen

With an exclamation of surprise and enthusiasm she blurted out "Yes I have!"

So I replied..."Well you'd better hurry up and get back there before the farmer realises you're missing"

Jonboy

11-02-2011, 15:23

i like that one Will :lolsign:

JazzBones

11-02-2011, 17:44

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot and said, "Fuck me"!
What happened next will haunt me forever :stalks:

Rare Bird

11-02-2011, 19:37

:lolsign:

jantheman

11-02-2011, 19:52

My wife was on her death bed called me over & asked me to open a box from under the bed. Inside I found 3 eggs & £7000 in cash. "What are the eggs for?" I asked. She replied "every time we had crap sex i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" I said, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?" She replied. "Every time i got a dozen i sold them......"

Rare Bird

11-02-2011, 19:57

Your on form you guys :)

jantheman

11-02-2011, 20:11

I bumped into a cross eyed bloke the other day and he said, "You need to watch where you're going."I said "Fuck off mate! You need to go where you're watching."

Beechwoods

11-02-2011, 21:07

EsVO1hsrOnI JhEQLdCrmiw YRLqLACXFC8

The Grand Wazoo

11-02-2011, 23:47

The Dragon's Den one was so funny it made me cry!

Beechwoods

12-02-2011, 12:47

It was rather good wasn't it! The Jamie Oliver thing was off Cassetteboy's first album, 'The Parker Tapes' which is well worth getting. A work of genius and patience. Their later stuff hasn't been so clever; they've had to up their work rate and it's showed a bit, but they still have their moments...

_8iF_RFKNFU CZHAyyOwpgk

Alex_UK

16-02-2011, 21:56

I can't stop crying at these, the last one is my favourite - not sure they're all genuine but still laughed myself stupid!

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/img/hate-my-cunt.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/bigdeck.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/bag-smelled.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/available-for-anal.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/imasexual.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/sharted.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/divorced.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/blow-my-boss.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/wii-aunt.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/the-babysitter.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/img/lawyer-fail.jpg

Beechwoods

16-02-2011, 22:00

Love it... I'm always 'licking' stuff on my phone too... :lol: and posting on here I have to be even more careful with bloody auto-correct!

Techno Commander

21-03-2011, 23:44

Glasgow Boys join Ferrari.

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

electric beach

29-03-2011, 13:27

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in
steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."

A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of her urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll let everyone know that you're the father!"

electric beach

29-03-2011, 13:53

Tor
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

electric beach

29-03-2011, 14:06

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. Bad decisions make good stories.

9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

10. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

11. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

12. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

13. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Alex_UK

31-03-2011, 16:04

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Tim

04-04-2011, 18:47

IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'.

http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w63/greatgig/work.jpg

:)

Techno Commander

04-04-2011, 21:33

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2008/9/61%20Warn%20A%20Brother.jpg

Rare Bird

04-04-2011, 21:38

:lolsign:

Alex_UK

02-05-2011, 22:09

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says; "I love you."

She asks; "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies; "It's me ............. talking to the beer."

Rare Bird

02-05-2011, 23:37

:lolsign:

The Grand Wazoo

02-05-2011, 23:48

Brilliant Alex!

How about this one then:

One afternoon, a very rich but exceedingly tight-arsed gent was out taking his new Rolls Royce out for a spin when he saw two men on the roadside verge eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his chauffeur to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked the first man: "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich man said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the rich man replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "Of course, you must come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, you don't realise that I also have a wife and sixteen children and grandchildren with me!"

"Well you must bring them too! Bring them all, as well," the rich man answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the huge, grand Roller.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied, "I'll hear none of it, I'm glad to do it. You'll really love my place............The grass is almost a foot high."

Rare Bird

03-05-2011, 00:27

:lolsign:

Alex_UK

03-05-2011, 06:21

How about this one then:

Love it! :D

jantheman

26-05-2011, 13:46

You have heard and read the stories...dont eat or drink this and that, its bad for you. Dont partake in this activity, you'll kill yourself. So.........
After an intense scientific investigation costing millions, scientists have finally found one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to prolong your life. Birthdays.....seems the more you have the longer you live.....Mmmmmmm

Techno Commander

26-05-2011, 21:13

Did you know that one in three Americans weighs as much as the other two put together.

The Grand Wazoo

03-06-2011, 16:38

Seeing as there seems to be a bit of a focus on hearing problems over the last few days, I thought this might be a good topical tale:

A old guy thought his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to broach the subject with her, he called their GP to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him about a simple informal test he could perform on his wife to give them both a better idea about her hearing loss and how bad it had got.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, with his wife in the kitchen cooking dinner, the old guy was in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "What's for dinner tonight then?"

No response.

So then he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and says, "So what culinary masterpiece are you creating for us tonight then love?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "So what are you cooking for us for dinner tonight then? - it smells great"

Again he gets no response.

So, he starts to get a bit worried as he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "What's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "What are we having tonight then?"

She turns round and bellows in his ear at the top of her voice:

"Frank.........for the FIFTH fucking time, you deaf old bastard, IT'S CHICKEN"

Alex_UK

03-06-2011, 16:44

...which reminds me of this one...

Two deaf guys walk into a pub in Burnley.

One gives his mate a twenty pound note and says:

"You get the drinks in. I'll find us a seat."

So the guy goes to the bar and orders two pints of lager. The barman serves him and gives him two pounds change.

"What's this?" the deaf guy asks, looking at his change. "You charge nine pounds a pint in here these days?"

"Nah," the barman says. "We've got a live band in tonight. There's a £5 cover charge. You and your mate, that's a tenner."

"Live band?"

"Live band," the bartender confirms.

"What, rock and roll, Indie, hip-hop, grunge...?"

"Some Country and Western," the barman replies.

"Ri-ight..." the deaf guy says as he takes the drinks.

He rejoins his mate. Puts the drinks on the table.

"Where's me change?" the friend asks.

He gets handed the two quid.

"What? They charge nine quid a fuggin pint in here now do they? What's the crack?"

"They've got a band on. £5 cover charge."

"A band?"

"Oh yes."

"What? Rock n roll, Indie, hip hop, grunge?"

"Nah,"

"What then?"

"Some c*nt from Preston."

Stratmangler

07-06-2011, 19:21

I saw this tonight http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quirkies/The_worlds_most_embarrassing_dad?pg=1#newscomments

Alex_UK

09-06-2011, 15:56

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Bugger me, talk about Dyson with death.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said “I would like to come back as a cow”.
I said “You’re obviously not listening”.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

“Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was”.

The Grand Wazoo

10-06-2011, 06:56

As I'm not exactly the world's best linguist, I have to take on trust the assurance that these translations are accurate. Even if they're not, they're still funny as hell though!

http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/allgravestonesborder.jpg

sburrell

10-06-2011, 07:08

I can vouch for the accuracy of those translations. Gotta love the Hispanic sentido de humor :)

Macca

11-06-2011, 10:06

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac233/Macca_photos_2009/thumbnail.jpg

I wanted to learn how to do the splits. So I went down to the gym and the bloke says 'Are you flexible?'

I said 'Well I can't do Tuesdays.'

The Grand Wazoo

30-06-2011, 08:11

I heard about this on the radio one day last week & I thought I should see if there was a YouTube clip of it - got it!

The TV presenter who told the Dalai Lama a joke about the Dalai Lama - oops!

xlIrI80og8c

On the radio programme I heard, there was a follow up gag to this one from a listener.

The pizza guy gives him his pizza (with everything).
He says: "That'll be eight quid then please mate"

The Dalai Lama gives him a tenner.
Pizza guy puts the money in the till and starts making more pizzas.

The Dalai Lama says: "You said the pizza was eight pounds"
Pizza guy says: "Yup, that's right"

Dalai Lama says: "........and I gave you a ten pound note!"
Pizza guy says: "Yup, that's right!"

Dalai Lama says: "So, I'd like my change now, please"
Pizza guy says: "Change must come from within"

Alex_UK

30-06-2011, 12:30

Oh that is just fantastic!

steveinfrance

02-07-2011, 14:04

Might as well get the political incorrectness out of the way
Two mothers comparing photos of their sons

First mother
'This is my Akhbar when he was fifteen. 2 years later he went to paradise in the Jihad'.

Second mother
'And this was my little Abdullah when he was sixteen.
Like your dear Akhbar he has gone to paradise for the cause'.

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First mother
'Ah, children today, they blow up so quickly'.

and two of the funniest movies on youtube (in my umble) if you haven't already seen them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw&feature=related
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvDDDKnNhuE&NR=1

sparrow

02-07-2011, 15:34

You would have thought Andy Murray would have won wimbeldon..His shirt sponsor was Viagra which should always help you get past the Semi's..

coat on..:ner:

Ducatiist

07-07-2011, 08:03

Hope this one is ok

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. Paddy picks it up and says "I know that face, but I just cant put a name to it"

Murphy grab the mirror, takes a look and shouts "Ye daft bastard, its me!!!"

Well I thought it was funny!!!

Alex_UK

28-07-2011, 19:57

Not sure if this is in unacceptable taste land - but it made me laugh, and is certainly more tasteful than some of the inevitable Amy Winehouse ones that have been going around.

Q: How does Stephen Hawking refresh himself at the end of a long day?
A: F5

WAD62

07-08-2011, 10:12

Something overheard at the pub last night, perhaps not the most PC of jokes...

"What do we want?!"

"A cure for Turrets!!"

"When do we want it?!"

"C*nt!!!"

webby

07-08-2011, 11:02

Something overheard at the pub last night, perhaps not the most PC of jokes...

"What do we want?!"

"A cure for Turrets!!"

"When do we want it?!"

"C*nt!!!"

Love it!

Reid Malenfant

17-08-2011, 21:34

:lolsign: Damn wrong to as they have breathing problems :eyebrows:

Ok...

The Body

When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be Boss
The Brain said that "I am the Boss for I control Everything".
The Feet said "we should be Boss, we carry him about & get him to the position he wants".
The Hands said "we should be Boss, we do all the work & earn the money".
And so it went on Heart, Lungs & Eyes.
Until finally, the Arsehole spoke up demanding to be Boss.
All other parts of the body laughed at the idea of the Arsehole being Boss.
The Arsehole was very angry indeed at this & decided to show who was Boss, so it went on strike - blocked itself up & refused to work.
Within a short time the Brain became feverish:
the Eyes crossed;
the Hands clenched;
the Feet twitched;
the Lungs & Heart were struggling, so they all pleaded with the Brain to let the Arsehole be Boss.

This motion was passed - all other parts of the body did the work while the Arsehole, as Boss, just sat & passed out loads of shit.

The moral of this is:
You do not need to be a brain to be the boss, just an arsehole.

DaveK

17-08-2011, 21:54

They say the old ones ^ are the best :lol:
Dave.

Jonboy

19-08-2011, 12:49

Politically Correct:

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so we'll try this:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Jonboy

20-08-2011, 10:34

Donkey for sale

=================

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I
have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

Themis

20-08-2011, 11:11

SHE: If I died, would you get married again ?
HE: Of course not !!!

SHE: No ? But why ? You don't like being married ?
HE: Of course I do appreciate !

SHE: So why wouldn't get married again ?
HE: Ok, ok... I'll get married again, if it pleases you !...

SHE (sad): You would get married once more ?
HE (annoyed): Well,... yes ?

SHE: And you would sleep together in our bedroom ?
HE: Where could we sleep, anyway ?

SHE: And you would replace my photos by her photos ?
HE: Well... yes... I guess...

SHE And she would drive my car ?
HE: No, she has no driving licence...

SHE: ......
HE: Oh DAMMIT !!!

WAD62

26-08-2011, 08:39

from the BBC Edinburgh Festival site...

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

The Grand Wazoo

01-09-2011, 07:20

Sorry about the tiny size:

http://www.boffer.co.uk/site/Z0101.jpg

Alex_UK

01-09-2011, 15:40

**WARNING**

There is an E-Mail going around saying it contains 2 Arsenal tickets

Do not open it

I Repeat do not open it ...............it really does contain 2 Arsenal tickets.

Stratmangler

01-09-2011, 15:55

**WARNING**

There is an E-Mail going around saying it contains 2 Arsenal tickets

Do not open it

I Repeat do not open it ...............it really does contain 2 Arsenal tickets.

:D

Alex_UK

20-09-2011, 19:54

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

DaveK

20-09-2011, 20:13

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Not surprising you failed really ;) , you only gave half an answer - you should have added on the end, " .... in the opposite direction." :lol:
Dave.

The Grand Wazoo

20-09-2011, 20:18

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks. In the dressing room, a maid could be seen hanging up their favourite clothes.

They gasped in astonishment when St Peter said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'And how much does a round there cost then?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable food laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like, of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Only if you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f****** Bran Flakes.. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Reid Malenfant

28-09-2011, 09:25

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristians home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

electric beach

28-09-2011, 10:04

Please don't do that Mark! :lol:

The Grand Wazoo

06-10-2011, 23:28

The passengers are all boarded, seated and buckled up when the pilot & his first officer walk onboard and say good afternoon to the passengers.

Something's odd though - they're both wearing dark glasses, the pilot has a guide dog on a lead and the first officer is tapping his way along the aisle with a white stick.

There's some nervous laughter among the passengers and one or two check the date on their watches to see whether it's April 1st. Now, at the door to the flight deck, the men open it & enter the cockpit.

The door closes, and the engines start with a whine and then a roar. The passengers begin looking nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. The stewardesses say nothing and give nothing away.

The plane begins to roll down the runway, moving faster and faster. The people in the window seats realise the plane is heading straight for the large hotel just beyond the airport boundary. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will go ploughing into the front lobby, panic breaks out & the sounds of the screams fill the cabin.

At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers begin to laugh a little sheepishly & relax a bit, and soon they start to do all the things that normal air passengers do - look at the magazines, fiddle about with personal stereos & phones, read their books & talk excitedly about the holiday resort they are all flying to, safe in the knowledge that the plane is safe in the hands of an excellent crew.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the blind pilot turns to the blind first officer and says, 'You know what Jim? One of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

sparrow

25-10-2011, 20:12

My wife keeps complaining about me always using her toothbrush..Listen I told her I've tried everything else but its still the best way of getting dog crap off my trainers.

Straff

26-10-2011, 14:07

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit. Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

Ali Tait

26-10-2011, 22:47

http://www.renaultforums.co.uk/showthread.php?t=121582

The Grand Wazoo

26-10-2011, 23:00

Ali, that's very funny!

Ed...........that is simultaneously the best and worst joke I've heard in a long time! It sounds like it could have come from Milton Jones.

I was talking to a nurse the other day & she said the biggest problem with the NHS is Holby City.
Actually, she may have said obesity, but she was eating a cake at the time.

Alex_UK

26-10-2011, 23:06

I know you won't believe me, but I had an accident in a B&Q car park about 9 years ago when a chap in a Fiat Panda pulled out and hit my car - and yes - he had a 5 litre tin of paint on the passenger seat, which emptied itself in the passenger foot well and all over the dashboard after the impact. This really is true and annoyingly the car I had at the time was only 3 weeks old. It did rather take the gloss off my day.

The Grand Wazoo

26-10-2011, 23:16

Come to think of it, I once had to brake shockingly hard on the A1 in order to avoid an idiot who almost killed us both. I had a large (5 litre I suppose), unopened container of Fast Orange hand cleaner (orange coloured, orange smelling swarfega with gritty stuff in it) sitting on the front passenger seat. It hit the dashboard & just glooped to the footwell. I thought it was messy at the time, but it wasn't anything like that! The vehicle I was in was a ratty scruffy forestry 4x4, so it wasn't a disaster at all - just a minor, but fruity smelling setback.

Barry

27-10-2011, 15:11

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit. Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

No doubt he was undertaking research for his latest book: 'Market and Supermarket'.

Rich Conroy

28-10-2011, 19:33

Being from Ireland and having spent 16 years in England I find Irish jokes extremely tedious. I'm not offended by them, I'm just absolutely saturated by the subject.
About a week after I got off the plane at Heathrow.
No, we don't tell Irish jokes in Ireland. Or Kerryman jokes. It's a disciplinary to tell one in the workplace in the UK.

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies
"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

There's a fish and chip shop in Belfast called "For Cod and Ulster"

This one's true, a relative of the people concerned told it to me.
In a small town called Newtownabbey a couples wedding was coming up and the Bride's Father got increasingly agitated.
He broke down and said to his wife "They can't get married, He's my love child".
Her reply "Don't worry, She's not your daughter".

RC