View Full Version : Jokes & Funnies
Pages :
1
2
[
3]
4
5
6
7
8
This made me laugh!
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-TVl6SBZOzEk/Trsx6cltcEI/AAAAAAAAYEo/u0eAzyNac-o/w240/1316020836_going_for_a_bike_ride.gif
Please help me to understand what is funny here!
Please help me to understand what is funny here!
:o Must be just me then! :(
It was quite funny, but it would've definitely been funnier had he, on the way over to the toy bike, slipped on the floor and fell on his arse!!
Marco,
:o Must be just me then! :(
Nope, IMHO Darren is right - he definitely needs help :lol: . It even raised a feint smile on my face ;) .
Dave.
The Grand Wazoo
11-11-2011, 09:05
Farmer Giles is in court accused of insurance fraud. The insurers say that he deliberately burnt down his barn in order to get the money for the building and everything in it, including a years hay crop and some expensive agricultural machinery.
He's being cross examined by the prosecution. They're asking how it came to be that the barn burnt down.
"Well, Sir it was obviously when I accidentally dropped one of the candles on the floor"
"But Mr Giles, why on earth would you be using candles in a wooden building that was filled to the rafters with highly flammable hay bales? I understand the building had a very expensive lighting system both inside and out that you installed only last year"
"Well Sir, yes that's true.........but........"
"So was there a power cut on that evening"
"Well no Sir you see, it was because..........."
"So why didn't you use a torch? Surely you have a torch?"
"Well, yes Sir I own several torches, but that wouldn't have been right for the job you see"
"Well if a torch wasn't bright enough why didn't you drive your Land Rover into the barn and shine the headlights?"
"Well Sir, that wouldn't have been right either. A torch and headlights would both be far too bright for what I needed"
"Too bright? What on earth do you mean by that? What was the light for?
"Well Sir, I needed the light for the ambience"
"Mr Giles, perhaps you would like to slowly and carefully explain to the court just exactly what you mean by that statement?"
"Well Sir, I was told that the ambience had to be perfect for the job. So I put some James Last music on the Land Rover tape player, I carried the dining room table into the barn, put a nice clean cloth over it. I scattered rose petals all over the place. I saw that in a film once - oooharrr - I thought that was quite a good touch. Then I built a big crackling, flickery fire in an old 40 gallon oil drum by the fertilising machine and I put a fur rug down in front of it. I made sure that there was no hay anywhere near it though, because I didn't want the whole place burning down. But then I lit the candles that I had spread all around the barn - for the ambience, you see"
"Mr Giles, this sounds like you are trying to tell the court that you were creating the scene for a seduction. But only a fool would believe that you might try to carry that out by going to all that trouble in a hay barn, of all places. So humour me and the court, Mr Giles. Please tell me what happened next. Is this when you brought the lucky lady on to the scene?"
"No Sir, that's just it - there was no lady. That was the problem in the first place.
What I did next was, I poured some nice wine into a glass and put it on the bonnet of my old Massey Ferguson with a bunch of red roses. I got in the cab and started the engine. It was the vibration of the engine that caused the candle to fall over"
"Mr Giles - this is preposterous. You surely can't expect us to believe that anyone - even someone as obviously stupid and unsophisticated as you would believe that this was the best way to seduce a lady."
"Like I said Sir, there was no lady involved - me and the missus have been having some trouble in the bedroom for quite some time - I just can't seem to make her interested. So I went to a shrink and he told me that I obviously had a lot of pent up frustration because of this & I should find a way to release it. I thought he was mad, but then he is a doctor & so he should know, so I thought I'd give his suggestion a go"
The prosecutor sees his chance to pour even more shame on the farmer and goes in for the kill:
"And what was the doctors suggestion Mr Giles - Please don't try to tell me that an experienced psychoanalyst told you that you should seduce one of your sheep!"
"No Sir, he said that I should do something romantic to a tractor"
Groan! But quite funny! ;)
Bluedroog
16-11-2011, 19:09
My local butcher has started selling halfs of Venison, offering 4 half's for £200. Personally I thought it was two deer.
I'll get me coat!
Another groan, but did raise a titter. :)
I bumped into an old mate today, he said "what you upto these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down and outs" he said, "so you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "no, I'm a chef in a wetherspoons pub!"
Thing Fish
17-11-2011, 00:28
I once knew a blind parachutist.
I asked him how he knew the ground was coming up.
He replied - The dogs lead go's slack...:)
electric beach
17-11-2011, 08:00
I knew a guy nervous about making his first parachute jump.
He asked "what if the chute doesn't open?". I told him there was a back-up emergency chute.
"But what if that doesn't open?" he worried.
"Oh, that always opens" I reassured him.
"So why don't they make that the first one then?!"
Bluedroog
17-11-2011, 10:33
I went to a dyslexic rave last weekend. I got completely mashed, took a load of F's.
=======================
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals? Still no fucking idea!
Dominic Harper
17-11-2011, 12:12
Wife say to man "should we stop off at the hotel yumca"
Man replies "that's the YMCA you dopey b----rd" :lol:
__________________________________________________ _________________
Man and women having a picnic in a field.
Women says "I think that bull is going to charge"
Man say "I f--king hope not, I've only got a £1":lol:
Natalie;)
Someone just threw a jar of Omega 3 tablets at me.
I wasn't hurt badly though, just a super-fish-oil injury
Friend of mine's had a penis extension, it's made his house look really stupid.
Rare Bird
19-11-2011, 15:05
:lolsign:
For the hintellchoos:
http://mediacdn.snorgtees.com/media/catalog/product/s/c/schrodingerscat_fullpic.jpg
The Grand Wazoo
19-11-2011, 18:04
For the hintellchoos:
Brilliant!!
The things kids come out with:
http://static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/09/4e775803ceb14.jpg
This was on TV the other night so forgive me if you've heard it...
A Genie appears to a man and offers him one wish. The man pulls out a map of the midle east and spreads it out on the table in front of the Genie. 'This is the Middle East' says the man ' the most violent and troubled region of the planet. I wish that you make it one big happy land with no more problems.'
The Genie studies the map and shakes his head. 'Look at all these borders and countries. Different religions and tribes with blood feuds going back centuries. I may be Genie but I think this is beyond my power. Think of another wish instead.'
'Okay' says the man, 'That was a bit of an ask wasn't it? Tell you what then, I wish my wife would give me oral sex'
And the Genie says: ' Lets have another look at that map'...
Another friend of mine fell in the sea and drowned. I sent a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt to his funeral, it's what he would have wanted.
Stratmangler
20-11-2011, 13:16
http://cdn.lolhappens.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/TodaysSpecial.jpg
Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:
Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
Dear reader:
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps, Jim.
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh ."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
(With apologies to any members from the legal profession, or indeed if any of you are hookers!)
morris_minor
02-12-2011, 18:05
:lolsign::lolsign:
The Grand Wazoo
02-12-2011, 18:24
As Alex said, apologies to any lawyers.........but:
A burglar, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together. When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic." So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the burglar. "Although you have led a life of crime, it's not gone unnoticed that you had to steal as a result of extreme misfortune and social injustices, and that in all other ways, you have led a humble life. We know that you loved your family and helped out by doing volunteer work at the hospice. However, we can't ignore your sins, so I will have to make your question more difficult to answer. So, how many people died on that ship?"
"Oooh, that's a difficult one. But I saw that film about it, and I think it was 1,500." St. Peter smiles and the burglar walks through the gates & into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Right then, it's you is it? Go on then, name them for me....."
How do you kill a Circus?
Go for the Juggler
Thanks to my mum for this one:
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, and every year Bill would say,
"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied,
"I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
"Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
"Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know,
Twenty quid is twenty quid! "
morris_minor
17-12-2011, 13:23
That one's gone down a treat at Minor Towers, Alex! :rfl:
Five Minute Management Course
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked
him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
http://theartofsound.net/forum/cid:BDAE90EE-A0A8-45AC-AFEA-05FF4685FF7B (http://www.incredimail.com/?id=619263&did=10500&ppd=2723,201108041216,9,[TypeID],[IM_UPN2]&rui=138536069&sd=20111117)
Reid Malenfant
19-12-2011, 17:01
:lolsign:
How the Greek Bailout works.....
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village in his BMW, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner, he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs, in order to pick one room in which to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys, and as soon as the visitor has turned the stairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note, and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The head honcho at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything.
At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything - No one earned anything - However, the whole village is now out of debt, and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.....
morris_minor
19-12-2011, 17:44
:lolsign::lolsign:
(Just heard this on 'this morning', it's only on in the background of course...)
The results are in at it would appear that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy
morris_minor
09-02-2012, 12:16
(Just heard this on 'this morning', it's only on in the background of course...)
The results are in at it would appear that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy
Hi, ho . . . :rolleyes:
bobbasrah
09-02-2012, 13:12
Although the diversity of African tribes was known much earlier, it was only in the latter part of the 19th century that specifics of Kenyan tribes such as the Maasai and Fukawei warriors became better known and recorded.
On the move, the similar jumping style of running was an obvious similarity, but whereas the Maasai were tall and lithe, the Fukawei were comparative dwarves.
With the Maasai, the column of brightly coloured hunters carrying long spears and shields made for an impressive spectacle as they weaved through the short grasses and brush at speed, jumping and chanting to warn of their coming.
Their cousins were less impressive with the same technique in their native long grasses, rendered almost invisible except for the ends of spears and occasional bobbing heads, yet remained audibly intimidating, with group chants of “We're the Fukawei”
Ali Tait
09-02-2012, 13:57
:lol:
A wife comes home late and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. She sees four legs instead of two under the duvet. She reaches for a baseball bat and hits the blanket as hard as she can.
Then, with a sense of pride and satisfaction, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi darling," he says.
"Your parents have come to visit, so I let them stay in our bedroom."
snuffbox
09-02-2012, 17:40
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment..
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q.. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka ...
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China ...
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ....
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ....
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ...
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales.
or
2) Going to night clubs.
or
3) Spending it on prostitutes.
or
4) Buying beer or whiskey.
or
5) Get yourself a Tattoo
or
6) Visit a bookie.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
__________________
snuffbox
10-02-2012, 08:14
saw that on another forum.very funny.
Shame its almost true
Lol - it'd have been much funnier, though, if they'd featured a fatty chav-ette instead (perhaps simultaneously stuffing her face with a family-size bag of Doritos?), whilst sporting Primark's finest 'couture'... :eyebrows:
Marco.
snuffbox
13-02-2012, 19:39
Fancy a bit of variety in the bedroom?
Try the rodeo.
Adopt the doggy position,cup a breast in each hand,whisper in her ear"These feel just like your sisters".
If you can stay on for eight seconds or longer your doing well.:eyebrows:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... :lolsign: :rofl: :rofl:
Marco.
Rare Bird
13-02-2012, 20:30
:lolsign:
Fancy a bit of variety in the bedroom?
Try the rodeo.
Adopt the doggy position,cup a breast in each hand,whisper in her ear"These feel just like your sisters".
If you can stay on for eight seconds or longer your doing well.:eyebrows:
:lolsign: very good
Dominic Harper
13-02-2012, 21:53
Fancy a bit of variety in the bedroom?
Try the rodeo.
Adopt the doggy position,cup a breast in each hand,whisper in her ear"These feel just like your sisters".
If you can stay on for eight seconds or longer your doing well.:eyebrows:
Ah but if its the female and she is on top, she could say that feels just like your brothers and may even get thrown round the room.
Natalie;)
Dominic Harper
13-02-2012, 21:53
OA9t61PuiDc
Tim this is bloody brilliant lololololol
Natalie;)
Reid Malenfant
13-02-2012, 21:56
Ah but if its the female and she is on top, she could say that feels just like your brothers and may even get thrown round the room.
Natalie;)
Actually I was thinking what if there is no sister :) Then I stopped myself from thinking about the mother :rfl:
Sorry Natalie, good job I'm free & single innit :D
Dominic Harper
13-02-2012, 21:58
Actually I was thinking what if there is no sister :) Then I stopped myself from thinking about the mother :rfl:
Sorry Natalie, good job I'm free & single innit :D
Mark your sicker than I am lololololol
BTW, I watched Tiesto live on sky HD music one night lat week. Absolutly superb:)
Natalie;)
Fancy a bit of variety in the bedroom?
Try the rodeo.
Adopt the doggy position,cup a breast in each hand,whisper in her ear"These feel just like your sisters".
If you can stay on for eight seconds or longer your doing well.:eyebrows:
If you change the word 'sister's' for 'brother's' I understand the record is 5 seconds ;)
Dave
snuffbox
14-02-2012, 08:23
On Valentines Day you'ld think a women would want to be woken up with a card roses cup of tea and a serious session of cunnilingus?
But Oh No............not my mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
morris_minor
14-02-2012, 09:25
:eek:
Dominic Harper
14-02-2012, 10:45
On Valentines Day you'ld think a women would want to be woken up with a card roses cup of tea and a serious session of cunnilingus?
But Oh No............not my mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG! THAT IS SO SICK :lol::lol::lol:
Natalie;)
On Valentines Day you'ld think a women would want to be woken up with a card roses cup of tea and a serious session of cunnilingus?
But Oh No............not my mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paul, aren't you confusing Valentine's Day with Mothering Sunday?
The way things are going, our jokes page is becoming as 'blue' as that of Hi Fi Wigwam! :eek:
I used to think the 'laddish' humour might be offensive to our female members, but it would seem AoS's resident Agony Aunt doesn't mind (too much)! :rolleyes:
Artifolk
14-02-2012, 19:08
At the Library today i learned that i could have my Penis enlarged. At that moment however i was kicked out for inappropriate use of the photocopier. :D
snuffbox
14-02-2012, 19:17
:lol::lol::lol:
Artifolk
14-02-2012, 19:31
I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw the missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age but eventually there see was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheek wink and said... "Get the trolley ere love, they're doing three cases of Stella for the price of two"
snuffbox
14-02-2012, 20:00
A guy, a sheep, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance!
Well, soon that sheep started looking better and better to the guy, and after all it had been a long time since he'd had any sex... so he leaned toward the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog though, became jealous and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the sheep. Every time he tried to approach the sheep, the dog would start growling again. So he resigned himself and they continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her but they slowly nursed her back to good health.
When she was feeling strong enough, they decided to introduce her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Unsurprisingly under the circumstances, the guy started feeling really horny again; but he was desperately worried about how the dog would react. So he came up with a cunning plan.
He leaned toward the girl and and whispered in her ear...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“If you're up to it, would you fancy taking the dog for a walk?”:eyebrows:
__________________
Dominic Harper
14-02-2012, 20:47
Paul, aren't you confusing Valentine's Day with Mothering Sunday?
The way things are going, our jokes page is becoming as 'blue' as that of Hi Fi Wigwam! :eek:
I used to think the 'laddish' humour might be offensive to our female members, but it would seem AoS's resident Agony Aunt doesn't mind (too much)! :rolleyes:
Cheeky lololololol
Natalie;)
snuffbox
14-02-2012, 21:41
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates….
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Edit/Delete Message
Dominic Harper
14-02-2012, 21:47
That is brilliant :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Natalie and Dom;)
It's taken two days, but I've finally worked out what upset my wife on Valentines day. I asked he what she'd like, and she said she'd like something black and lacy in a size 10. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.
snuffbox
19-02-2012, 21:03
I was sitting in the pub with SWMBO and I said "I love you". She said "Is that you or the beer talking ?" I replied "It's me,I'm talking to the beer".
Wife is getting ready for a night out and standing looking at herself in front of the mirror...
She turns to her husband despondently as says: "My hair is a mess, my face is full or wrinkles and I'm fat. Pay me a compliment, darling, to cheer me up!"
The husband thinks for a minute and replies: "Well, sweetheart, there's fuck all wrong with your eyesight!!"
Marco.
brian2957
19-02-2012, 21:31
:lol: Love it mate . I'm gonna try that one to the wife and after I pick myself up off the floor I'll get back to you . :eyebrows:
Brian.
Lol - let us know if she appreciates it or not! :eyebrows:
Marco.
snuffbox
20-02-2012, 08:59
A woman walks into Tiffany's.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it behind equally flawless bullet proof glass.
As she bends over to inspect its flawlessness and size more closely, much to her horror she unexpectedly slips out a small, but very loud, and very obvious fart.
Embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone noticed her indiscretion, and her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Sales Consultant, immediately behind her.
Good looking, suave, tall, cool as a cucumber, and displaying all the qualities one would expect of a Tiffany's consultant. He smiles revealing perfectly straight white teeth and says "Good morning ma'am, is there anything I can help you with".
Blushing slightly, and still hoping he didn't notice her little indiscretion, she asks the consultant "ummm, yes... I was just looking at that stunning bracelet and was wondering about the price?"
The consultant replies "Are you absolutely certain of that Madam? Because if you farted when you saw it, you'll completely shit yourself when you hear the price".
__________________
electric beach
20-02-2012, 09:18
It's taken two days, but I've finally worked out what upset my wife on Valentines day. I asked he what she'd like, and she said she'd like something black and lacy in a size 10. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.
Bought my son an Ipad for his birthday and then an Ipod for my daughter for christmas. They both seemed rather chuffed so I bought the wife one of those new I-rons for Valentine's...
Didn't seem to have quite the same effect :confused:
snuffbox
22-02-2012, 09:04
I got a text today that read GANB.
I thought it was bang out of order.
Bloke in the supemarket reminded me of Michael Jackson.
He said "Don't forget about Michael Jackson"
:)
snuffbox
24-02-2012, 15:38
Newcastle Taxi Fare
One rainy night in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
" Walker Road " answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?”
"Well Pet, replied the driver, I canna help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
"Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Have yer got nowt smaller pet?"
snuffbox
01-03-2012, 23:25
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about
I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.
Dominic Harper
03-03-2012, 11:50
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.............
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those w***ers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks.'
:lol::lol::lol:
Natalie
Someone reminded me of this one today:
BnbLmNbb19g
snuffbox
07-03-2012, 22:19
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked... 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
Dominic Harper
10-03-2012, 22:04
Banned from Sainsbury's
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant???
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting theWinalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t really
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with the Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well andI was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it might be their laugh for the day. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Natalie ;)
snuffbox
12-03-2012, 20:17
Police have raided Kermit the Frog's lily pad today and found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy...
A spokesman said.,
"It was the worst case of Frogs Porn they have ever seen..!!!"
(.)(.)+£=( . )( . )
Reid Malenfant
12-03-2012, 20:58
:lol: I thought the golf balls one was damn good to :D
bobbasrah
17-03-2012, 17:06
5 old ones for Paddy's Day.....
1. Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father …”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
2. A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.
'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'
Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.
Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.
'Will he live?' inquired the boys.
Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'
'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.
'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.
3. Murphy had asked Casey for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.
'And can you support a family?' asked Casey.
'I think so,' replied Murphy.
'Well. There's six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.
4. Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.
The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.
However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.
'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'
5. 'Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Patrick.
'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Patrick.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.
His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it” . . . . . . and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
Whilst he was in the bath, the phone rang.
His wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They're not hanging Wright tonight!” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Guy takes his Rottweiler to the vets.
"he's got awfully crossed eyes, I'm worried his vision is impaired" said the guy
vet inspects and replies "I'm going to have to put him down"
"shit, are they that bad?"
"No, he's heavy"
(I like the crap ones :))
There are two sorts of scientist in the world. Those that extrapolate from incomplete data.
McVities have just brought out a new biscuit range, "CLITORIS-CREAMS".
They guarantee...
...
"One lick & you'll wanna eat the Box"!
(The ginger ones are an acquired taste!)
Bluedroog
27-03-2012, 21:08
Q: What do gay horses eat?
A: Heeeey!
================
Q: What's the difference between snow women and snow men?
A: Snow balls
================
This one is a little close to the mark, so really hope it dosen't offend but I'll try it anyway...
<Edit> Sorry Christian - a little too close to the mark on this occasion I think!
icehockeyboy
28-03-2012, 10:35
It was the wife's birthday recently and she said to get her anything from The Body Shop'
So I got her a nearside front wing for a 1982 Fiesta.
icehockeyboy
28-03-2012, 10:37
The EU have a new ruling that all singers have to have the type of music they sing as a middle name.
Lucianno Pavarotti becomes Lucianno " Opera" Pavarotti.
Dolly Parton becomes Dolly " Country" Parton.
Soul singer R Kelly decided to call it a day and retire.
snuffbox
06-04-2012, 14:39
Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight c--t with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
My mum's just had a right rant at me, calling me disgusting and threatening to throw me out after finding spunk on my sister Laura's duvet.
I don't know why she's blaming me though, Laura spat it there.
snuffbox
06-04-2012, 18:06
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
My mum's just had a right rant at me, calling me disgusting and threatening to throw me out after finding spunk on my sister Laura's duvet.
I don't know why she's blaming me though, Laura spat it there.
:eek: dirty, dirty,..:ner:
:lol:
:lol:
There is a 'massage parlour' round the block from me - the sign on the door says 'Please use entrance at the rear'
That's been giving me a cheap laugh for several years now...
Les Barber ~ The Mark Of Mono
cjt_ygIYY5U&feature=relmfu
Enjoy... :D
bobbasrah
23-04-2012, 11:12
Deadly quiet for jokes these days.... so an oldie....
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a bagpiper,' said the old fellow: 'and ... that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out practicing my pipes. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad died?'
The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?'
'He is 100 years old and a piper too,' said the old Scot. 'In fact he practiced wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the nude beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why I know he is still alive.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old and a piper as well,' said the old Scot.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he practiced with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae play this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old piper want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
snuffbox
28-04-2012, 04:27
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having
an affair with the Maid.
So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and
didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched
the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had
his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't
expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched
on the light.
"No ma'am", said the Gardener.
morris_minor
30-04-2012, 09:21
How's this for a piss take on internet forums? (It's on a photography site, but could just as easily be on a hi-fi site).
http://www.lensrentals.com/blog/2012/03/hammerforum-com
It is SO true :lol:
bobbasrah
30-04-2012, 09:37
How's this for a piss take on internet forums? (It's on a photography site, but could just as easily be on a hi-fi site).
http://www.lensrentals.com/blog/2012/03/hammerforum-com
It is SO true :lol:
Brilliant, simply brilliant. Almost collapsed in a heap when I got to the post "And the wooden hammer? Where’s the wooden hammer for the nostalgic weirdos?" :lol:
Superb stuff.... Made my day....:cool:
bobbasrah
12-05-2012, 09:54
Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says,"Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.... Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds so that's about 52 pounds a month so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed, as obviously Billy has put so much thought into this, and says "Well Billy, it seems like you have everything worked out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far....."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable
Canetoad
22-05-2012, 07:24
Wife is getting ready for a night out and standing looking at herself in front of the mirror...
She turns to her husband despondently as says: "My hair is a mess, my face is full or wrinkles and I'm fat. Pay me a compliment, darling, to cheer me up!"
The husband thinks for a minute and replies: "Well, sweetheart, there's fuck all wrong with your eyesight!!"
Marco.
Further variation on the above. Wife says "Say something nice about my legs". The husband thinks for a while and says "Blue goes with everything".
The Grand Wazoo
11-06-2012, 23:34
I've made 9,999 posts on The Art of Sound & most of it's been a load of old bollocks, so here's a bit more for my 10,000th post!
A three-year-old boy was sitting in the bath, examining his testicles - he turned to his Mother.
"Mum are these my brains?”
She replied “No son, not till you're a bit older”
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_KLaL96K9ADE/S7PSO7Y8zDI/AAAAAAAAAgY/T7gBiyZulIU/s1600/snip-off-testicles.jpg
http://honewatson.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/sperm-cartoon.jpg?w=510
Congratulations on your 10,000th post Chris. Your contribution to 'Jokes and Funnies' have always cheered me up and made me laugh!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.This is considered a major social breakthrough ... because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/pp272/jonboy_01/cid_58AA19B9F67046A7A3494E8886B30935userLP.jpg
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.This is considered a major social breakthrough ... because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/pp272/jonboy_01/cid_58AA19B9F67046A7A3494E8886B30935userLP.jpg
:lol:
bobbasrah
19-06-2012, 08:59
So much for culture......
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over a triple latte later the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Colisseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."
And so on and so forth until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Ian Walker
19-06-2012, 12:47
I was at the swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed. The twat blew his whistle so f'kin loud i nearly fell off the diving board!:lol:
Beryl.
bobbasrah
19-06-2012, 18:13
Xv1tMioGgXI?rel
The Grand Wazoo
19-06-2012, 18:38
Fixed your link for you Bob.
Here's how to do it (http://theartofsound.net/forum/showthread.php?t=3205)
Beechwoods
19-06-2012, 19:26
Reminds me of Jimmy Buffett, great country rock crossover with humourous lyrics...
4DZ8ww34aTk
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the circus, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
I was at the swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed. The twat blew his whistle so f'kin loud I nearly fell off the diving board!
The Grand Wazoo
19-06-2012, 20:23
Can I play too?
I was at the swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The life guard must have noticed. The twat blew his whistle so f'kin loud i nearly fell off the diving board!
The Grand Wazoo
19-06-2012, 20:45
Hehehe. The gag was funny but that made me laugh out loud!
bobbasrah
20-06-2012, 09:14
Thanks Chris, I shall try to remember in future......
bobbasrah
20-06-2012, 09:19
_ynouCLrT9I
The Grand Wazoo
22-06-2012, 09:43
The Godfather finds out that his accountant, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
The reason that Guido got the job is that he is completely and profoundly deaf. When he hired him, The Godfather thought that if Guido could hear nothing about the business activities of The Family he wouldn't be able to testify against them in court. When The Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing US$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather says to the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells The Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again - tell him this is his last chance - either he tells me, or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "This is your last chance Guido, my friend - he really will kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK, OK! Please don't kill me! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried in the flowerbed ten paces behind the shed at my cousin Antonio's house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "So what did the little worm say - where's my god-damned money?"
The lawyer replies, "He says that your mother is a whore, he's been having sex with your wife for the last five years, your children are junkies, your dog is a rabid mongrel & you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
walpurgis
23-06-2012, 23:28
When I die, I want to go like grandad did. In my sleep! .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...........Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
walpurgis
23-06-2012, 23:31
My Thai girlfriend says that having a small penis shouldn't be a problem for our sex life. She may be right, but I'd still be happier if she didn't have one!
RobbieGong
24-06-2012, 00:14
Bloke goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, one of my nuts is bigger than the other' Doc says ' Ok sir, let me take a look' bloke takes his pants down and flops a gigantic gonad out on the table, Doc says ' my gosh, that is big :stalks: !' bloke sighs and says 'wait til you see the other one !' :eek:
bobbasrah
27-06-2012, 09:25
A real golden oldie.....
Some years ago, in a small community on Ireland's west coast, Paddy married a young woman half his age by the name of Maggie.
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex.
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from down in Cork to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "Anddat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"
julesd68
27-06-2012, 10:23
My favourite old joke -
Beautiful woman walks into a music shop and says to the assistant -
"I'm looking for a Grand Piano!"
The assistant says -
"Sorry Madam, we are out of Grand Pianos, but I can show you an upright organ!" :eyebrows:
Bluedroog
01-07-2012, 19:32
An Eskimo’s snowmobile breaks down while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in an hour. When he comes back, the mechanic say "It looks like you have blown a seal" The Eskimo says ‘No, it’s just frost on my moustache’.
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Brilliant Barry, brilliant! :lol:
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
snuffbox
16-07-2012, 16:25
An elderly man and woman, both in their 70s, walk into a sex therapist's office.
*
*
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
*
*
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
*
*
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
*
*
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
*
*
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
*
*
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.
*
*
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
*
*
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
*
*
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50 and I get £43 back from BUPA.'
*
magiccarpetride
25-07-2012, 21:36
As the thread title says!
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks: "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks: "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge? "Oy vey, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers: "They'll find us!"
2 WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?
Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.
He took me out for a very romantic dinner.
We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour.
We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful.
2 MEN - meet at the pub...
So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...!
The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything over.
I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish.
In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......total disaster.
I'm arranging a Benefit for people who have trouble achieving orgasm.
Please would you let me know if you can't come?
The Grand Wazoo
03-08-2012, 23:06
Evidence that the male of the species can sometimes benefit from having a little supervision from the female of the species.
http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/joke030812.jpg
Taken by women by any chance Chris? :D
Prolly in the family album somewhere, with "Mum was right, I've married an idiot" written underneath. :D
Got to love the guy in the swimming pool.
I must confess I've done the plaster whisk in a drilll food blender one.:mental:
The Grand Wazoo
03-08-2012, 23:27
I've got a hedge that needs cutting too..............
I've got a hedge that needs cutting too..............
Yes, also very good. :)'
But the guy in the pool I'm pretty sure is naked apart from the cap. :D
A good collection. ;)
'Doctor, I think I'm going deaf'
'OK, what are the symptoms?'
'A cartoon family from America.'
A women sent her husband to buy the groceries with a list of items.
They lived a simple life and what the man was asked to buy didn’t vary much from day to day.
The wife, noticed that some days they had more money left after the husbands shopping than on others and asked her husband how this could be.
The husband told his wife he gives the shopkeeper the list along with his wallet and the shopkeeper gives him back his wallet and then the groceries.
The wife has a head fit and says at least she can count and weigh the groceries and she has a fool for a husband.
The wife takes over the shopping duties and sure enough the money they have left over each day is fairly constant.
When the shopkeeper sees the husband coming to the shop he knows he can take whatever he likes. When he sees the wife coming to the shop he puts his prices up.
Who would you send shopping?
http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/260398_10151196747378103_470088083_n.jpg
Reid Malenfant
28-08-2012, 18:43
he he he :eyebrows:
bobbasrah
28-08-2012, 19:18
Presumably the Sun is behaving itself these Leveson days.... Or have they not yet run with "Massive police sweep for free Essex pussy called off" ?
Presumably the Sun is behaving itself these Leveson days.... Or have they not yet run with "Massive police sweep for free Essex pussy called off" ?
If not, they should have! :lol:
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'
'You're with the GOVERNMENT..This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed.'
Maybe we did this one already but I can't be arsed to check...
The Grim Reaper came for me today. Fortunately I was able to beat him off with the only thing I had to hand - the vacuum cleaner!
Talk about Dyson with Death!
Boom - Tish - Thang you I'm here all week...
northwest
31-08-2012, 21:38
The two Homosexual Ghosts........
trying to put the willies up each other!
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?
Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
bobbasrah
13-09-2012, 12:16
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?
northwest
21-09-2012, 13:22
http://gallery.myff.org/gallery/1406663/toplessroyals.jpg
ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX ?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes .
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life .
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !
Sex with a transvestite - confused .com!
Techno Commander
05-10-2012, 10:41
More scandal at the BBC
Someone has reported seeing Rod Hull fisting a young bird !
northwest
05-10-2012, 11:02
More scandal at the BBC
Someone has reported seeing Rod Hull fisting a young bird !
LMFAO!
walpurgis
06-10-2012, 21:21
When I die,
I want to go like Grandad did, in my sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!
From this weeks Mock The Week:
"I'd have five pounds on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man..."
Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat
walpurgis
06-10-2012, 23:43
My Thai girlfriend says having a small penis should not hinder our sex life.
She may be right,
but I'd be happier if she didn't have one!
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
northwest
08-10-2012, 18:01
What really happened, when Elton John and David Furnish, decided to have a baby.
They had their sperm mixed together, and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby was born, Elton and David, were waiting at the hospital.
They were ushered into a ward, where a dozen babies, were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely.
A nurse came over to both of them, and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!!!"
northwest
09-10-2012, 22:49
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fecked, you might as well gan fishing.
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready, the flewurs, the church, the caurs, the recepshun, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be merrit in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white."
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y198/davhar/salmond.jpg
Hahahaha fukkin' funny as fuck!!! :lol: :lol: :rfl: :rfl:
Marco.
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y198/davhar/salmond.jpg
I didnae git that...:scratch:
glaikit means stupid
Are you calling our esteemed leader stupid? :lol:
I didnae git that...:scratch:
Being from Hampshire, I wouldn't expect that you would! :D
Seizeahaudamabobberyastoater... ;)
Marco.
Seizeahaudamabobberyastoater....
Does that mean what I think it means?
Seizeahaudamabobberyastoater... ;)
Does that mean what I think it means?
"Size does matter and Bob got a new toaster?"
Size does matter and Bob got a new toaster?
That's exactly what I thought he meant :lol:
Still, it's the best offer I've had all week, so I won't decline just yet :eyebrows:
:lolsign:
Yooroastershunvaegoatascoobywhitwurchunterinoanabo ot :D
Marco.
:lolsign:
Yooroastershunvaegoatascoobywhitweurchunterinoanab oot :D
Marco.
That's easy for you to say. :)
Bon nuit tout le monde, as they say in leafy Hampshire.
Reid Malenfant
20-10-2012, 22:35
& they say there aren't any aliens :lol:
Marco, you can shove a goat up your scooby if you like mate, just don't make it an adult or you'll be turtle heading in no time I reckon :ner:
:lolsign:
Yooroastershunvaegoatascoobywhitwurchunterinoanabo ot :D
Marco.
Whidyexpekt.Thurrno'faeroonthayparts,urrthey.
AyebuttharasumhalerntaweebitthrutharexframGreenock :D
FurrybootsinGreenockwizshefae?
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
The Grand Wazoo
07-11-2012, 11:12
Seen on a birthday card:
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
10,000 volts shot up its bum,
And turned its wool to nylon
Eagle owl
09-11-2012, 10:13
A few for Friday morning
Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said,"It's probably caused by you being a fat bast*ard."
"How the f*ck can being fat cause a head cold?" She asked.
I said "Cos your heads never out of the f*cking fridge!!"
Kylie Minogue,Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance,Robbie pulls aside her thong,and f*cks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Elton "Your turn".
Elton bursts into tears."What's up?"asks Robbie.
Elton sobs'"I'm too fat my head won't fit through the railings"
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who'd come off his motorbike,
So I frantically rushed over."Out of the way!" I shouted,as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed."No" I replied,"Thats my f*ckin pizza".
I was in the the post office today.
I asked the woman behind the counter, "Do you keep stationery?"
She replied "Only to begin with then I go like a f*cking rabbit."
F*cking hell,this 80's telly star scandal is getting worse.
turns out Morph was a Playdohphile.
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in
front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he
should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her
discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her
basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got
out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative/Liberal Democrate supporters."
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me
they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f*cking starving."
A 5 year old grand daughter is taken to school daily by her grand dad.
One day when he wasn't feeling very well his wife took her.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different.
"What made it different ?" asked her parents.
Well gran and I did not see a single....
Tosser, blind b*stard, dick head, f*cking bitch or fat c*nt anywhere on the way to school today.
The Grand Wazoo
10-11-2012, 00:58
Gravestone of Russell J. Larsen - Logan, Utah.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Stratmangler
12-11-2012, 20:37
1oHWvFrpocY
bobbasrah
24-11-2012, 11:30
bB-6uGsKRWs&feature
What do you call a Scottish Muslim with a drug problem???
Amaff Maheed.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Just having a vote on whether Picasso was the best portrait painter of all time.
So, eyes to the right and nose to the left .
Horse walks into a bar on Easter Island. Barman says 'why the short face?'
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear.
"What's this for?" He asked.
"A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow one first and then ask you."
tannoyman
02-12-2012, 19:53
Heather Mills has bought a plane with her divorce settlement, but plans to carry on using Immac on her other leg...
Sick but very funny
David :lol::lol:
tannoyman
02-12-2012, 20:10
Johnny went to school one day wearing beautiful gold watch on his wrist. His friends were green with envy when they saw the watch and one of them asked where he got it from.
"Well" said Johnny "it was like this. I was in bed the other night and I heard lots of noises coming from mummy and daddy's room so I went in and mummy and daddy were bouncing up and down on the bed and my dad gave me this watch to go away"
His friend thought that this was a good wheeze. So he waited a few nights until he heard the springs going in his mother abd father's room and he burst into the room. His father was on top of his mother and looked up angrily from the bed as he came in and said "What in the bloody hell do you want", to which his son replied without hesitation "a watch". "Ok" said his father, "Come in and shut the door"
David :lol::lol:
tannoyman
02-12-2012, 20:17
Just having a vote on whether Picasso was the best portrait painter of all time.
So, eyes to the right and nose to the left .
Horse walks into a bar on Easter Island. Barman says 'why the short face?'
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear.
"What's this for?" He asked.
"A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow one first and then ask you."
I like that
David:lol::lol:
tannoyman
02-12-2012, 20:32
Yes, Super Muppet, we need a new rant. So get to it!
Did you get the message from Rob about the new room with mod facilities we're going to give you? :eyebrows:
Meanwhile, here's a little joke-ette:
Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her. The landlord says:
"Oi mate you can't do that in here!".
The Rev replies: "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps".
The landlord replies: "Well if you're that far in you may as well finish!"
Marco.
Hi Marco
That'll cost you a couple of "Hail Mary's" on Sunday :lol::lol:
But it was very good! ;)
David
tannoyman
03-12-2012, 23:19
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Good one :lol:
This has been posted on HFS - very funny indeed :lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY-NeJzo65g&feature=youtube_gdata
EY-NeJzo65g
This has been posted on HFS - very funny indeed :lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY-NeJzo65g&feature=youtube_gdata
EY-NeJzo65g
LOL :lol: Well whatever might have been said about HFS, at least they are aware of their perception and can come up with this self-deprecating video. :eyebrows:
morris_minor
06-12-2012, 09:05
LOL :lol: Well whatever might have been said about HFS, at least they are aware of their perception and can come up with this self-deprecating video. :eyebrows:
And to think I called them a humourless bunch! I'll have to revise that in the style of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: mostly humourless :lol:
Went to bed last night with a girl who had a plasticine fanny. Didn't actually manage to get my cock in but I think I made a good impression.
Eagle owl
09-12-2012, 08:41
The Sniffer Dog
A man had just boarded a plane and settled into his seat next to the window when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and the dog was a sniffer dog.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off and once it had leveled out the Policeman said "watch this."
He told Sniffer to search.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Policeman' arm.
The Policeman said, "Good Boy" then turned to the man and said," that woman is possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and my colleagues will apprehend her when we land."
"Wow, that's pretty good" said the first man.
Once again the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to it's seat and this time placed two paws on the Policeman's arm.
The Policeman said" two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of his seat number for my colleagues."
"I like it" said his seat companion.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to search again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment then came racing back to the Policeman, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well trained dog would behave like that so he asked the Policeman," what's going on ?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
Catholic hairdryer
In paroachial schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, religious instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was ok to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings.
Getting a hairdryer through customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour ?"
"Of course child, what may I do for you ?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hairdryer for her birthday.
It's unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me ? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?"
"I would love to help you dear but I must warn you, I will not lie."
She replied, "with your honest face father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare ?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?"
The priest replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father, next please"
I was in my local branch of WH Smiths the other day and asked the assistant if they had they had that new self help book for men with small penises.
"I dont think we have it in yet" said the girl.
"Thats the one!" I replied.
This has been posted on HFS - very funny indeed :lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY-NeJzo65g&feature=youtube_gdata
EY-NeJzo65g
Really funny. You can't beat a good Downfall parody. It's the greatest advance in humour since Les Dawson first got dresed up as a woman.
Another vote from me - best thing I've seen on youtube ever - absolutely loved it - I look forward to more similar ones, hopefully.
Dave.
daytona600
10-12-2012, 04:36
google
Eagle owl
15-12-2012, 10:39
Viagra is now available in powder form for your cup of tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.
The Grand Wazoo
15-12-2012, 12:06
At this time of the year, when the drink driving checks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before I took a cab home.
Sure enough, on the way, there was a load of police officers parked in a lay-by, directing traffic into it so that they could perform checks but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before.
Stratmangler
17-01-2013, 16:41
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4iKzBijFvH0/UPad_xQJ_OI/AAAAAAAAC8I/Hdd4eTUoGyY/s1600/tesco3.PNG
One of my members has just posted this on my forum too Chris :D
http://sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/428113_4363972052394_1753915321_n.jpg
Always check for mirrors before doing your ebay photos... :lol:
The Grand Wazoo
17-01-2013, 19:06
Suggestion for a junk food product name: My Lidl Pony
Look at the bright side of this latest supermarket food crisis; now is the perfect time to give your daughter a packet of beefburgers and tell her "Here is the horse you have always wanted"
What a fabulous idea Frank, and no stabling and animal feed bills to worry about either... I'm a baaad man :lol:
A man walks into a burger bar and asks for a quarter pounder with cheese. The waitress asks "Will there be anything else with that order?" The man replies "Yes, put a fiver each way on it" :lol:
http://sphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/563087_404193903007522_99436829_n.jpg
http://sphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/529689_460167424036901_878686507_n.jpg
Eagle owl
12-02-2013, 22:44
A Bottle Of Merlot.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:----
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: ----
Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.
Eagle owl
12-02-2013, 22:49
Seeing as there's no burgers left on the shelves at Tesco,I've decided to try their meatballs instead.
Apparently they're the dogs bollocks...
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
My Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.
f*ck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
Just bought the wife a sheepdog fur bra.
"Aww" she said,"Will it keep my tits warm?"
I said "No but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
A young man went up to his father and asked him,
"Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"
His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
My kids keep on taking the p*ss out of my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little f*ckers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire...
Went to the Doc's today
I said "do you treat alcoholics"
He said "Of course we do?"
I said "Great get your coat on, I'm f*cking skint..."
A woman goes to a tattoo shop and asks the guy to tattoo Christmas on one thigh and New year on the other.
The guy did it and took the money,but as she left he said "Do you mind if I ask why you wanted that ?"
She said "I'm sick of my husband moaning there's nothing to eat between Christmas and New year"
Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread.
The birds were all over me.
Some great ones there! :lol:
Thought I'd better check out the burgers in my freezer and...
They're off!
Careful - they'll give you the trotts
Techno Commander
13-02-2013, 22:21
http://i.imgur.com/WJdaSuD.png
Photo taken from outside one of the Romanian abattoirs mentioned in the recent meat supply investigations.
interesting choice of cheese on the lasagne I noticed - Maskapony :D
Here's a selection of jokes extracted from a leaving email at work. We've got quite a few people going at the moment, and some of them are turning the obligatory "goodbye" note into an art form!
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
I've just quit my job at the helium factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone.
My grandfather spent his whole life in the kebab trade, and was buried with all of his equipment. Probably turning in his grave. About a month before he died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
I farted in the hotel lift yesterday. That was wrong on so many levels.
Beware of Alphabet Grenades... if you throw them, it could spell disaster.
Black Beauty? Now there’s a dark horse!
I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets....and then it hit me.
And finally, don’t despair if you can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day and shoot all over his bird's face thinking she was someone else?
JazzBones
18-02-2013, 16:06
A valentine day card sent from South Africa?
Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Don't fuckin' surprise
Oscar Pistorius
Techno Commander
19-02-2013, 21:13
http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn228/lilguy43uk/Horse_zps125a504d.jpg
bobbasrah
04-03-2013, 15:14
http://www.mez.co.uk/lucas.html
Last night I had an awful nightmare where everybody spoke in REM lyrics... but that was just a dream, just a dream.
DanJennings
08-03-2013, 19:45
Last night I had an awful nightmare where everybody spoke in REM lyrics... but that was just a dream, just a dream.
That's my new favourite joke. :lol:
Don't forget to remind your partners - it's tomorrow!
Steak & Blowjob Day (http://www.steakandbjday.com/)
The Grand Wazoo
15-03-2013, 08:41
As someone who works in the forestry industry, I'd like to pass on this vital message to those who are succumbing to the lure of gadgetry
qIUtWrUTG-4
bobbasrah
15-03-2013, 19:25
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
Paddy and Mick heard on the local news that the Antiques Roadshow was coming to town, so Paddy asked Mick what it was all about. Mick said "Have a look up your attic Paddy to see if you have anything old up there and the experts will tell you what it is and what it's worth".
Paddy went up into the loft and found an old object, so he took it along for the experts to tell him what it is and what it's worth.
The expert had a long hard look at the object and asked Paddy where he got it from and Paddy said "From the loft sir", so the expert said "How long have you had it?" and Paddy replied "It's been in the house a long time sir, before my time in fact".
The expert said "I can say with some degree of certainty Paddy, what you have here is a water tank".
Audio Al
17-03-2013, 20:41
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Audio Al
17-03-2013, 20:43
Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to
a 999 call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her
mummy so he could see while he helped deliver
the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while,
Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about
what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place....
smack his arse again!" :D
brian2957
17-03-2013, 20:46
:lol:
brian2957
17-03-2013, 20:49
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
Excellent :lol:
Very, very clever - though it does prove that some people have far too much time on their hands. (And not one to play in front of the wife and kids in view of the language!)
HG-kmeY6b9Q
Brilliant!
Firebottle
05-04-2013, 06:49
Classic :lol:
The Grand Wazoo
05-04-2013, 23:23
!!
Very, very clever - though it does prove that some people have far too much time on their hands. (And not one to play in front of the wife and kids in view of the language!)
HG-kmeY6b9Q
Brilliant!
Man that is funny, not laughed like that in a while...'feed 'em to the pigs, Erol!' :lol:
Eagle owl
06-04-2013, 17:59
"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?". Asked the wife, enigmatically.
"No" I said.
She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a £20 note.
"Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?" she asked next.
"No" I said.
Again, a sexy smile, and she pulled a fifty from her knickers.
"Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" was the next question.
"No" I said, by this time very intrigued.
"Well go and look in the garage."
A Pirate Tale
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
Being romantic.
A wife, being a romantic sort, sent her husband a text...
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
He replied...
"I am taking a dump, what should I do ?"
A Bottle Of Merlot.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:----
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: ----
Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.
A small glimmer of hope in the gloom.
Viagra is now available in powder form for your cup of tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.
The Sniffer Dog
A man had just boarded a plane and settled into his seat next to the window when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and the dog was a sniffer dog.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off and once it had leveled out the Policeman said "watch this."
He told Sniffer to search.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Policeman' arm.
The Policeman said, "Good Boy" then turned to the man and said," that woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and my colleagues will apprehend her when we land."
"Wow, that's pretty good" said the first man.
Once again the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to it's seat and this time placed two paws on the Policeman's arm.
The Policeman said" two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of his seat number for my colleagues."
"I like it" said his seat companion.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to search again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment then came racing back to the Policeman, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well trained dog would behave like that so he asked the Policeman," what's going on ?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
Catholic hairdryer
In paroachial schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, religious instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was ok to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings.
Getting a hairdryer through customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour ?"
"Of course child, what may I do for you ?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hairdryer for her birthday.
It's unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me ? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?"
"I would love to help you dear but I must warn you, I will not lie."
She replied, "with your honest face father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare ?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?"
The priest replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father, next please"
Funeral
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a lifejacket. But as i told everyone. "Its what he would have wanted"!!
A few for Friday
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready, the flewurs, the church, the caurs, the recepshun, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be merrit in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white."
Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said,"It's probably caused by you being a fat bast*ard."
"How the f*ck can being fat cause a head cold?" She asked.
I said "Cos your heads never out of the f*cking fridge!!"
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who'd come off his motorbike,
So I frantically rushed over."Out of the way!" I shouted,as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed."No" I replied,"Thats my f*ckin pizza"
Free kittens
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in
front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he
should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her
discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her
basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got
out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative/Liberal Democrate supporters."
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me
they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
The best diet ever!
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
A 5 year old.
A 5 year old grand daughter is taken to school daily by her grand dad.
One day when he wasn't feeling very well his wife took her.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different.
"What made it different ?" asked her parents.
Well gran and I did not see a single....
Tosser, blind b*stard, dick head, f*****g bitch or fat c**t anywhere on the way to school today.
My wife left a note on the fridge..
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
What the heck was she talking about..........women !!
Women are so fickle,.....they say they want someone funny and spontaneous,....but when you're dressed as a clown at their bedroom window at 2.00am.... it's all 'screams' and 'police sirens'!!
GP tells his patient 'you've got a terminal illness'.
Patient says 'i demand a second opinion'.
GP says 'ok,you're ugly as well'.
A man walks into a butchers and says to the butcher,
'Excuse me, do you have a sheep's head?'
The butcher replies,
'No it's just the way I cut my hair'
Little Susan came home from primary school and said to her mummy, "jimmy showed me his willy today, it's just like a peanut"
Mummy said "you mean small and wrinkly?"
Little Susan replied " No..........salty "
Man takes a blow-up doll back to the shop, complains "I was just getting started and it went down on me"
Shopkeeper replies "If i'd known it did that I'd have charged double"
The wife was asking me how many women I had been with,I said "do we really need to do this as I know it may upset you",she says "I'm not worried about that so just tell me".
I said "ok ,here goes 1 2 3 4 5 6 you 8 9 10 !!"
I was right,she did get upset
Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.
My wife said switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she has ever had to do.
She's obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint..
A beautiful woman
A beautiful woman walks into a music shop and says to the assistant -
"I'm looking for a Grand Piano!"
The assistant says -
"Sorry Madam, we are out of Grand Pianos, but I can show you an upright organ!"
My wife had a near death experience on Sunday.
The silly cow thought she'd do the vacuuming while the footy was on.
I got pulled over by the police after they spotted me leaving the pub car park. The officer told me to get out the car and walk in a straight line. He said excuse me sir, you are staggering - I replied you're not so bad yourself.
http://sphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/531642_131707037010829_840866456_n.jpg
morris_minor
07-04-2013, 16:40
:eek::lol:
twickers
20-05-2013, 22:35
http://xaxor.com/images/wtf-public-signs-part2-/wtf-public-signs-part2-08.jpg http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/bizarre-church-signs-funny-27.jpg?w=500&h=375
twickers
20-05-2013, 22:46
http://www.lowestoftonline.com/community/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=21185.0;attach=599 24;image
Saw this on the wam earlier.
Sand Dancin Donkey Walker
21-05-2013, 11:25
Thought this was good,
NBbHRaNNBuY
Andy - SDDW
The Grand Wazoo
01-06-2013, 18:43
I was walking past the bank in the High Street the other day and there was a little old lady standing by the cashpoint machine. She looked confused and asked me if I could help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
http://image-store.slidesharecdn.com/b619c168-d6af-11e2-89d8-22000aa5129e-original.jpg
Do a Google image search for 'David Cameron side view' and see what comes up first.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_V6K4fnZSzxE/S-1bBzH4w_I/AAAAAAAAAhQ/FHIoCMDeC34/s1600/28690_396962841903_590836903_3900711_1542604_n.jpg
This one tickled me :)
Gordon Steadman
25-07-2013, 18:53
My brother in law just sent me this.
By Pam Ayres of course
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (a husbands point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed, An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope; And her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And began to strip, Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week; Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer; And things then from bad to worse;she toppled of her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater!! Now if you knew our Mabel You'd see just why I spluttered,
I 'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered, She stood there nude and naked bent forward just a bit;
I went to hold her, sensual like a nd stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed,her teeth shot out; My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!! Well readers, I can tell no ore; Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.
My brother in law just sent me this.
By Pam Ayres of course
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (a husbands point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed, An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope; And her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And began to strip, Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week; Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer; And things then from bad to worse;she toppled of her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater!! Now if you knew our Mabel You'd see just why I spluttered,
I 'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered, She stood there nude and naked bent forward just a bit;
I went to hold her, sensual like a nd stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed,her teeth shot out; My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!! Well readers, I can tell no ore; Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.
Pure class... :lol::lol::lol:
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.3 Copyright © 2026 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.