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My brother in law just sent me this.
By Pam Ayres of course
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (a husbands point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed, An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope; And her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And began to strip, Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week; Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer; And things then from bad to worse;she toppled of her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater!! Now if you knew our Mabel You'd see just why I spluttered,
I 'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered, She stood there nude and naked bent forward just a bit;
I went to hold her, sensual like a nd stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed,her teeth shot out; My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!! Well readers, I can tell no ore; Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.
LOL very good :)
The thing is, I could hear Pam narrating that in my head as I was reading it, which made it even funnier :D
The thing is, I could hear Pam narrating that in my head as I was reading it, which made it even funnier :D
:lol:
The thing is, I could hear Pam narrating that in my head as I was reading it, which made it even funnier :D
me to :lol:
When a Virgin train enters a tunnel for the first time does it lose its virginity?
When a Virgin train enters a tunnel for the first time does it lose its virginity?
:lol:
electric beach
10-08-2013, 08:46
How many Audiofools does it take to change a light bulb?
Not many but they take bloody forever! Too much debate about what material the steps are to be made from, building tweaky suction cups to hold the bulb without touching the glass, should we mount the steps on castors? Hold the bulb still and rotate the steps? Should the castors have brass bearings for efficient transfer of energy?..... whatever - get a woman to do it. Or a vertically challenged guy on a trampoline, that would be funnier :stalks:
bobbasrah
18-08-2013, 14:56
From another forum....
On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.. What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
From another forum....
On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.. What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
:rfl: that made me :lol:
Its all Chinese to me :confused:
http://www.boredpanda.com/funny-chinese-translation-fails/
What's Brown and sounds like a Bell?
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
DUNG!!!
The Grand Wazoo
20-09-2013, 07:35
http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/flies.jpg
Its all Chinese to me :confused:
http://www.boredpanda.com/funny-chinese-translation-fails/
"Fuck the Duck until exploded" :rfl::rfl::rfl::rfl::rfl::rfl::rfl::rfl::rfl:
I also giggled at "The water fries the chips" ... Oh no it doesn't!!! :lol:
http://mikesivier.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/130920camspeechblower.jpg
bobbasrah
22-09-2013, 14:33
http://9gag.com/gag/a6wVBDA
A woman who had been married and divorced was talking to her friend about her failed marriages and what had gone wrong.
"My first husband was a psychotherapist. He never wanted to do anything sexual, he just wanted to talk about it".
"My second husband was a gynaecologist. He just wanted to look."
"My third husband was a stamp collector. I really miss him."
https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1379891_10151972627204283_139523694_n.jpg
https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1379891_10151972627204283_139523694_n.jpg
That's brilliant Alex :rfl:
That's brilliant Alex :rfl:
Not if another bloke turns up...
bobbasrah
11-10-2013, 05:45
A wonderful alleged ad, but a brilliant spoof none the less...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVqChn-IQ60
Gordon Steadman
11-10-2013, 06:24
A wonderful alleged ad, but a brilliant spoof none the less...
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10200748292734341&set=vb.1372934004&type=2&theater
I'm sure its wonderful but I can't access it as I haven't joined and have no intention of joining Facebook:(
Oldpinkman
11-10-2013, 06:42
Never mind Gordon. There's always God.
David was a TV evangelist for over 50 years, had spent a lifetime doing charitable works as well as spreading the Lords word. God decided he needed to specially honour David's works, and said " you're a fantastic guy, I so appreciate what you have done, I'd like to give you something really special. What can I do for you. Anything - just ask"
David says " Well Lord, We've always wanted to vacation in Hawai, but Mary-Lou Beth, my wife, is afraid of flying, and we both get fearful seasick. Could you build us a road bridge from California to Hawai?"
And God says "David, I'm disappointed in you. Wanting something as selfish and material as a road bridge to Hawai. I mean - have you considered the cost and the work. We have to span thousands of miles of ocean, including the deepest sections of Ocean, its going to need millions of tons of concrete, steel bracing, tarmac and safety barriers, just so you and your wife can take a vacation"
David is duly chastened. "Sorry Lord, I can't believe I asked for such a shallow thing. What I would really like, is to understand women properly. Why they have mood swings. What makes them smile, or cry. Why they are hurt, and what to say, or how to listen to make them happy again"
And God says "Did you want that freeway 2 lane or 4 lane?" :lol:
Firebottle
11-10-2013, 06:49
One of the funniest things I've seen http://vimeo.com/61886386
:lol: Alan
One of the funniest things I've seen http://vimeo.com/61886386
:lol: Alan
Hi Alan,
Seen it and agree it's something quite hilarious :)
Stratmangler
01-11-2013, 21:05
KBxSntGGm8U
Thing Fish
01-11-2013, 21:17
Very funny. Nice one Chris...:lol:
Saw this last week and it also made me laugh...:lol:
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-clGtUCkP-M8/UnQaDf7F8hI/AAAAAAAACh0/Cd6LCfFsH2I/s372/fairy.jpg
Stratmangler
04-11-2013, 12:25
sSJ5PgUx0Zg
mr sneff
06-11-2013, 23:09
Our local Outdoor/Camping shop was having a sale and to advertise it the poster in the window said "Now is the winter of our discount tent"
:rfl: to Chris' video :lol:
mr sneff
07-11-2013, 19:44
One day a fly was buzzing round a farmyard when he noticed that the stables had just been mucked out, and there was a great steaming pile of manure outside in the yard, So he flew down and began to feed. Two hours later he was absolutely bloated and decided that it was time to fly somewhere to sleep off his enormous meal. Unfortunately he was so heavy he couldn't get airborne. Just then he noticed a shovel leaning against a barn door and thought "if I climb to the top of the shovel handle I'll have enough height to get me going". 15 minutes later he'd crawled to the top of the shovel and he launched himself into the air, only to immediately plummet to the ground, killing himself.
Which just goes to prove: You should never fly off the handle if you're full of shit :lol:
Stratmangler
08-11-2013, 17:42
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-24844182
One day a fly was buzzing round a farmyard when he noticed that the stables had just been mucked out, and there was a great steaming pile of manure outside in the yard, So he flew down and began to feed. Two hours later he was absolutely bloated and decided that it was time to fly somewhere to sleep off his enormous meal. Unfortunately he was so heavy he couldn't get airborne. Just then he noticed a shovel leaning against a barn door and thought "if I climb to the top of the shovel handle I'll have enough height to get me going". 15 minutes later he'd crawled to the top of the shovel and he launched himself into the air, only to immediately plummet to the ground, killing himself.
Which just goes to prove: You should never fly off the handle if you're full of shit :lol:
:rfl:
bobbasrah
08-11-2013, 18:07
The carbon footprint culture needs barbecued... Roasted civil servants anyone?
mr sneff
08-11-2013, 22:58
How the Greek Bailout works.....
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village in his BMW, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner, he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs, in order to pick one room in which to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys, and as soon as the visitor has turned the stairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note, and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The head honcho at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything.
At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything - No one earned anything - However, the whole village is now out of debt, and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.....
Apparently the Greek recession is now so bad that all production of Houmous and Taramasalata has been halted. It's officially a double dip recession
bobbasrah
09-11-2013, 13:13
Nice footnote....
What will any man standing up to his navel in water say?
.
..
...
this is well above my IQ-level
(might be a bad translation from a German pun, so criticisms always welcome)
Michael
mr sneff
09-11-2013, 14:49
How many Audiofools does it take to change a light bulb?
Not many but they take bloody forever! Too much debate about what material the steps are to be made from, building tweaky suction cups to hold the bulb without touching the glass, should we mount the steps on castors? Hold the bulb still and rotate the steps? Should the castors have brass bearings for efficient transfer of energy?..... whatever - get a woman to do it. Or a vertically challenged guy on a trampoline, that would be funnier :stalks:
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the cock... sorry, I mean ladder!
This morning my witchcraft obsessed wife made me a cup of coffee
Its not easy to type when you're a cup of coffee.
I met a dwarf called Peter the other day who was telling me all about his successful flatbread bakery business, really fascinating.
There's nothing like the pitta patter of tiny Pete.
The Grand Wazoo
10-11-2013, 10:46
Nice!
My favourite baker related joke:
Q: What's the difference between a knight in shining armour and an unhygienic baker?
A: One darts into the foe.........
Gordon Steadman
10-11-2013, 11:18
Aha - the old difference jokes.
What's the difference between a Dachsund and a street trader? The street trader balls his wares on the road
Boney girl and counterfeit dollar? One is a phoney buck!!
Owl and a marksman? The marksman hits when he shoots.
I think there are several more:)
Given the upcoming festive season, this is worth a giggle:
ycIdv8ew1f0
Who's brave enough to try it with their 'little darlings' this year? :eek:
Marco.
Q. How many Kuhnian constructionist philosophers of science does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You're still thinking in terms of 'incremental change' when what we really need is paradigm shift: we don't need a bulb with more attributes added on, we need ubiquitous luminescence.
seoirse2002
17-11-2013, 10:55
Priest woke up one morning and looked outside his bedroom window, and in the middle of the lawn was a dead pig, so he called the police to inform them,,, a smart ass cop on the other end of the line said " well father, we were under the impression that you people took care of the last rites",,, there was a silence for a few seconds, then the priest replied, " yes,that's the truth, but it's also our duty to inform
the next of kin"
:lol::lol:
The Grand Wazoo
17-11-2013, 11:23
Well, it's a good job there is absolutely no possibility whatsoever of any members of AoS being members of the police force. You wouldn't want to offend anyone, would you?
mr sneff
18-11-2013, 17:29
It's a little known fact that before Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers danced they always had a tin of rice pudding which they used to heat up on a mobile gas cooker in Fred's trailer at the movie set.
One day Fred forgot to puncture the tin when it was on the heater and the tin exploded.........
It was pudding on the top hat and pudding on the tails ! :)
mr sneff
20-11-2013, 13:30
With the Ashes about to start.......
What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A vet.
mr sneff
24-11-2013, 16:01
With the Ashes about to start.......
What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A vet.
Sounds a bit sick now.... perhaps if you substitute Englishman for Australian :(
Not wishing to inflame Anglo-US relations - nothing to do with this guy being American, you can be a prick whatever country you come from... :)
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BZiOj0dCIAAcX0S.jpg:large
Ali Tait
29-11-2013, 20:59
That's brilliant!!
mr sneff
30-11-2013, 07:14
That's brilliant!!
+1 :lol:
MikeMusic
02-12-2013, 11:24
I didn't wake up this morning
Whatever you might think of James Blunt's music, he is certainly a wit...
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/12/31/26-reasons-why-james-blunt-won-at-twitter-in-2013/
Whether morally, spiritually, intellectually or financially is not yet clear.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BdD1FoNCYAAawDd.jpg
This is why we should welcome immigrants; they bring us wonderful words like 'schadenfreude'.
:lol:
Whether morally, spiritually, intellectually or financially is not yet clear.
All 4, I reckon.
Bloody Foreigner. Coming over here and asking what love is.
Stratmangler
21-01-2014, 12:05
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2541440/When-red-light-shows-wait-Moment-law-abiding-PEDESTRIAN-stops-waits-roadworks-sign-intended-traffic.html
Bless her little heart! :lol:
mr sneff
26-01-2014, 06:42
I can understand them being pissed off.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/thwaites-brewery-sign-lights-changed-3059037#.UuSt5tXFLnA
Mr Kipling
10-03-2014, 19:52
In need of a laugh? Part of a classic episode of Have I Got News.
Sadly, doesn't include the bit where he calls Tescos Bastards!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxkGIpmrYJo
The Youtube link doesn't work on my mobile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxkGIpmrYJo
prestonchipfryer
10-03-2014, 20:16
Link not working for me.
Mr Kipling
10-03-2014, 20:36
Aha! It works!
Link not working for me.
Fixed... :)
Mr Kipling
10-03-2014, 20:57
Thanks Dave. I had a .be added from the downloader I viewed it on.
The Youtube link still doesn't work with Opera mobile though. It did before the changes to the site last year.
Mr Kipling
11-03-2014, 18:36
In need of a laugh? Part of a classic episode of Have I Got News.
Sadly, doesn't include the bit where he calls Tescos Bastards!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxkGIpmrYJo
The Youtube link doesn't work on my mobile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxkGIpmrYJo
Nobody here with a sense of humour?
This is quality entertainment, people.
The Grand Wazoo
16-03-2014, 23:46
We had a power cut this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & hifi were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and what's more, it was raining outside, so I couldn't even go and play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make some coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
And do you know what? She actually seems like a nice person
We had a power cut this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & hifi were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and what's more, it was raining outside, so I couldn't even go and play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make some coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
And do you know what? She actually seems like a nice person
You never struck me as a golf player Chris - but then what do I know!
The Grand Wazoo
01-04-2014, 10:55
Hah!
No, and nor do I own an ipad or iphone, I'm not bothered by rain, and what's more I've always known my wife is a nice person!
MikeMusic
01-04-2014, 11:02
Hah!
No, and nor do I own an ipad or iphone, I'm not bothered by rain, and what's more I've always known my wife is a nice person!
Wait till you meet her again
:)
Q. How does one get a fat girl into bed?
A. Piece o' cake
MikeMusic
01-04-2014, 12:19
Q. How does one get a fat girl into bed?
A.Piece o' cake
:lol:
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y198/davhar/BeLC7RKCQAAj-E-.jpg
Al, there's yer new avatar! :lol: :lol:
Marco.
Techno Commander
07-05-2014, 21:41
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GLKlzWuNbWs/U12ldolKfJI/AAAAAAAAhhA/hBeeTe54TII/s1600/ss.jpg
MikeMusic
08-05-2014, 07:01
:)
Techno Commander
08-05-2014, 20:11
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GLKlzWuNbWs/U12ldolKfJI/AAAAAAAAhhA/hBeeTe54TII/s1600/ss.jpg
Excellent! :lol:
Techno Commander
01-08-2014, 15:18
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%..
It's called a Wedding Cake
mr sneff
01-08-2014, 16:48
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y198/davhar/BeLC7RKCQAAj-E-.jpg
He obviously needs this (http://www.amazon.com/Fresh-Balls-The-Solution-For/dp/B004BC62MI)
A 7 year old and his 4 year old brother are in their bedroom.
“You know what” says the 7 year old. “I think it is time we started swearing.
When we go down stairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you”
“OK” says the 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. “I'll have Coco Pops, bitch”
WHACK!!!, he flew off his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looked at 4 year old and said rather sternly “And what do you want?”.
“Dunno but it won't be f*****g Coco Pops.”
Perspire - How cathedral builders get paid
Perverse - How poets get paid
Perpetuate - How Korean restaurant owners get paid
Panting - Jamaican cooking utensil
Grating - Something Jamaicans really like.
Methinks a fan of the Radio 4 'quiz' - "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue". :)
Methinks a fan of the Radio 4 'quiz' - "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue". :)
Well spotted :D
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
In 90% of the world that is not a joke.
walpurgis
10-08-2014, 22:27
In 90% of the world that is not a joke.
So true. My local authority experience saw much of the same. Manager turns up in brand new car, favoured contractor turns up later in similar brand new car and only one digit separates the registration numbers. Go figure!!
Bonopoly - Like Monopoly but the streets have no name.
Stratmangler
27-08-2014, 11:30
nQT31Noq1eE
archiesdad
27-08-2014, 20:25
A young Glaswegian guy takes his new girlfriend home to meet the family.
The dad looks up and says “Who’s is this lovely young lady?”
Boy says “It’s Amanda.”
The dad jumps up and shouts “It’s a f.....g what?”
RobbieGong
27-08-2014, 21:50
A young Glaswegian guy takes his new girlfriend home to meet the family.
The dad looks up and says “Who’s is this lovely young lady?”
Boy says “It’s Amanda.”
The dad jumps up and shouts “It’s a f.....g what?”
:lol:
Eagle owl
28-08-2014, 09:54
A Scouser joke
A Scouser gets a job as a labourer on a building site and at the end of the first day he gets stopped by the security guard who asks the Scouser why he's got his coat over his wheelbarrow.
The Scouser says, "It's just to keep it dry mate". The guard doesn't believe him and insists on removing the coat, on doing so he finds nothing in the wheelbarrow.
This same routine occurs every single day until the site is finished and on the very last day as Scouse is exiting the gate, the guard stops him, one last time.
"Listen Scouse" the guard says, "I've misjudged you, I assumed that as you're from Liverpool, you'd always be trying to rob stuff but not once in these 3 months have you had anything hidden in your wheelbarrow, I'm sorry to have been so suspicious".
The Scouser replies, "Oh, you were right to be suspicious mate..."
"Why's that then?" asks the guard....
Scouse says, "Did you ever see me come IN to work with a wheelbarrow....?
Eagle owl
28-08-2014, 10:09
A lady said to her doctor, "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."
I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty...
When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect.
Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.
A Chav kid was giving me cheek today, so I thought I'd ruin his Christmas. I told him, "Santa isn't real. Your Dad puts your presents out."
He looked at me blankly and said, "Who?"
My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.
A friend asked what I would regret most if I were to die in my sleep?
Probably going to bed.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
if I die before I wake
will someone please delete my internet browser history.
I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the b**tards were trying to pull.
Fosters.
My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
An old bird came over to me in the pub last night, "How old would you say I was handsome?" She purred.
"You have the eyes of a 25 year old, the hair of an 18 year old, the legs of a 21 year old and the body of a 22 year old." I replied.
"How old then you charmer?" She giggled.
I said "Hold on, Give me time to add them up".
I took my old granny to a place where you put your feet into a tank of fish and they eat all the dead skin,
It cost me £35..... I found it was a lot cheaper than the cost of a funeral !!!!
A Scouser joke
A Scouser gets a job as a labourer on a building site and at the end of the first day he gets stopped by the security guard who asks the Scouser why he's got his coat over his wheelbarrow.
The Scouser says, "It's just to keep it dry mate". The guard doesn't believe him and insists on removing the coat, on doing so he finds nothing in the wheelbarrow.
This same routine occurs every single day until the site is finished and on the very last day as Scouse is exiting the gate, the guard stops him, one last time.
"Listen Scouse" the guard says, "I've misjudged you, I assumed that as you're from Liverpool, you'd always be trying to rob stuff but not once in these 3 months have you had anything hidden in your wheelbarrow, I'm sorry to have been so suspicious".
The Scouser replies, "Oh, you were right to be suspicious mate..."
"Why's that then?" asks the guard....
Scouse says, "Did you ever see me come IN to work with a wheelbarrow....?
I love scouser jokes. Primarily because I can make them Mackem jokes also...
e.g.
What is the definition of confusion?
Fathers day in Liverpool/Sunderland etc etc.
What do you call a mackem/scouser in a suit?
The defendant.
MikeMusic
28-08-2014, 10:40
Wonderful !
Perspire - How cathedral builders get paid
Perverse - How poets get paid
Perpetuate - How Korean restaurant owners get paid
Panting - Jamaican cooking utensil
Grating - Something Jamaicans really like.
My favourite of these, courtesy of Graham Garden:
Countryside - Killing Piers Morgan...
archiesdad
30-08-2014, 20:00
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed."Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his arse!"
Martyn Miles
02-09-2014, 21:05
A friend told me he had picked up a Witch in his car.
"How do you know she was a Witch?", I asked.
"Well," he said, "She put her hand on my leg and I turned into lay-by."
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 06:10
Why I Fired My Secretary...
Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up
That Morning.
I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant
And Say,"happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.
As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy Birthday."
I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember.
My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left
For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.
As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!"
It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.
I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And
Said, "you know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday,
Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."
I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"
We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go.
We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two
Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously On The Way Back
To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We
Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"
I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"
She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."
After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss,
If you Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment.
"I'll Be Right Back."
"ok." I Nervously Replied.
She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out
Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And
Dozens of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There...
On The Couch...
Naked.
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 06:13
The difference between Guts & Balls.
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty."
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 06:15
Jet Lag.
A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs.
The man isn't sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently
wipes between her legs.
The man is about to go nuts; he can't believe what he is seeing.
A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs.
What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Black Pepper."
My wife told me yesterday she wanted a Brazilian wax. I said she'd be better off with a Gaza strip, given the pounding it's taken over the years...
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 18:27
James Bond
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch. The
woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically".
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 18:30
Waiting in line.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you
doing?" Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't
help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for Inland Revenue. Do you see me f***ing the guy in front of me?
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 18:33
Inland Revenue genie.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,
certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge
and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a tax
auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
**POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 18:44
Dirty Mind???
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 19:01
What would you do????
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess,
the priests, the wise men and even the court jester He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would
have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He
had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur.
He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her
own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom
and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the
bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half .
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch
during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you
scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice
herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 19:07
Forgive me father.........
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Eagle owl
03-09-2014, 19:12
Elephant d!ck
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, he was unable to get his p*nis erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of his knob were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his p*nis.
The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever pumping again was just too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A year after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned an evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his c*ck sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse”
The chap who compiled the anagrams for the crossword in our local paper has died.
May he Erect A Penis.
mr sneff
08-09-2014, 11:28
The chap who compiled the anagrams for the crossword in our local paper has died.
May he Erect A Penis.
I've just read that on the Naim forum jokes thread, best thing on the Naim site :)
Can you tell what it is yet?
http://i.imgur.com/smJRn.gif
Can you tell what it is yet?
http://i.imgur.com/smJRn.gif
Brilliant!
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-pence piece
When it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
You drive a £250,000 Ferrari,
You get £2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...
Over 45 pence?"
Dear Santa, please send me a little brother for Christmas...
Dear Jimbob, please send me your momma and it's as good as done...
Eagle owl
08-11-2014, 11:57
An Irish joke
A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"
Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."
"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."
I have just heard, The inventor of yodelling has died.
Sadly, so did his little old lady too.
I have just heard, The inventor of yodelling has died.
Sadly, so did his little old lady too.
:lol:
My wife asked me what Jesus' full name was.
I dropped a brick on her foot.
Turns out she did know after all.
I spent a night in the Boar's Head recently. Among the other customers was a rather confused and disappointed Rev. Spooner.
Eagle owl
18-11-2014, 08:49
I've just arrived home earlier than expected after being thrown out of a nightclub.
I was on the dancefloor and the DJ played The Twist. So I twisted.
Then he played The Locomotion. So I did the locomotion.
Then he played Jump. So I jumped.
Then he played Come On Eileen ...
Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Stewart Hall walk into pub.
Barman: 'not yewtree again'.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin answered: "I want to start out as a Marine Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson .. . . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I want to be Kevin’s whore."
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
Eagle owl
23-11-2014, 06:26
Walking round a supermarket, a young woman caught sight of someone stacking boxes of washing powder on the shelves. She recognised him as the young man who'd chatted her up in the pub the night before, taken her home and had his wicked way with her.
She strode angrily up to him. "You bloody liar!" she yelled, "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No I didn't," he said. "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team!"
Techno Commander
24-11-2014, 17:01
The inventor of predictive texting has sadly passed away.
His family have said that his funfair will be hello on sundial if any fiends wish to attend.
icehockeyboy
04-12-2014, 08:41
Fancied a pizza the other night, called Pizza Hut, and ordered a thin crusty supreme.
30 minutes later Diana Ross was at my front door.
Well that's Xmas dinner sorted. Must make sure not to overcook. Wonder if they're free range.
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c121/scoop123/550B06E4-D16F-48DF-9795-47D3A43904BA_zpslpsku3b9.png
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
Woohoo, that'll be a 9 pointer then... OUCH??? :lol:
Techno Commander
18-12-2014, 19:05
Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
Well that's Xmas dinner sorted. Must make sure not to overcook. Wonder if they're free range.
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c121/scoop123/550B06E4-D16F-48DF-9795-47D3A43904BA_zpslpsku3b9.png
Good gawd, that’s still rather much to pay for a ruffian!
Marco.
A rather small, thin and weasely peasant at 600 grams
Eagle owl
29-12-2014, 19:19
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden..
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
I bought the wife a mudpack for Christmas to improve her looks.
It worked a treat until it dried and started falling off.
Eagle owl
29-12-2014, 20:12
A tax problem.
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tell him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says "before we begin I'll need to ask you a few questions".
He gets her name, address, tax file number etc and then asks
"What's your occupation ?"
"I'm a prostitute" she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says "lets try to rephrase that."
The woman says "Ok, I'm a hi-end call girl".
"No, that still doesn't work, try again."
They both think for a minute then the woman says
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to
do with being a prostitute ?"
"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."
"Ah, chicken farmer it is then".
I am very disappointed, there's an accountant in that joke and RCD's don't even get a mention... :D
Ali Tait
30-12-2014, 00:51
:lol:
mad-moon
14-02-2015, 12:33
I walked into a muslim book shop in Newcastle yesterday...I says to the guy at the counter...have you got any reference books about UKIP...He says...GET OUT! AND STAY OUT!....I says..yep that's the one...
Anthony K
14-02-2015, 19:57
I recently got back from Vegas where I was competing in the World Erection championship.....made it to the semi's
18kqcczy6MQ
This gave me a chuckle..
I recently got back from Vegas where I was competing in the World Erection championship.....made it to the semi's
Stiff competition I suppose :eyebrows:
Eagle owl
16-03-2015, 06:59
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,
"Oi you! What's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes!! Now f off you c!!" **Twitch**
My girlfriend says that having a small penis doesn't affect our sex life, to be honest, i just wish she didn't have one at all....
We were so skint after Christmas that I agreed to let my wife to sell one of her kidneys.
If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports next.
Mickey Mouse is told by the judge that having big teeth is not a good enough reason to divorce Minnie.
His reply - 'I didnt say she has big teeth your honour - I said she was F...ing Goofy'
I once knew a guy who had been unfortunate to have been born with five penises. His underpants fit him like a glove.
Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.
I called round to my mate's hot tub
party.
I said, "Room for five more?"
He asked, "Why, who did you bring?"
I replied, "Just the wife."
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park".
Rab C Nesbitt jokes.....:eyebrows:
Therapist: "Mr Nesbitt, were you close to your father?"
Rab: "Not unless I could help it, otherwise I would get a boot about the melt, but I always remember the friction burns he left on the carpet when I handed over my first wage packet."
Mary: [shocked] "My God" [to the therapist] "It's weird that you can live with someone for so long but you never really know them"
Rab: "Didn't you know my father was an alky?"
Mary: "Oh aye, but I didn't know you had a job!"
Some place Govan eh? Where else can you get a fish supper at 9am? Simple, just steal it off a drunk that's been lyin pished outside a close all night.
Rab: "Mary, you and I go back a long way to let a pound of dead meat come between us."
Mary: "Let's leave our sex life out of this."
Rab C. Nesbitt: I mean I Had tae start drinkin again didn't I?
Doctor: Oh really, how so?
Rab C. Nesbitt: Aw, It was her. She said foreplay wusny worth a toss since ma hon stopped shakin!
Nurse: (Mary has gone under a serious operation in hospital. But something unforseen has happened as she lies in bed afterwards) I'm afraid your stitches have burst, Mrs. Nesbitt.
Mary Nesbitt: Oh, thank goodness for that, nurse. For a minute there I though I'd pi**** mysel.
BOOM BOOM!!!!!
Classic, Granty! :eyebrows:
For me though, nothing gets close to the Chewin' The Fat sketch of 'Taysiders in space'. Remember that? 'Set phasers tae Malky'! :lol:
bLxLmFhROqY
It doesn't get much funnier than that (if you can understand it)! :D
Marco.
walpurgis
21-04-2015, 21:50
Just get a copy of this:
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/BOOTSIE-AND-SNUDGE-SERIES-1-/331146128027?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item4d19d8ea9b
Classic, Granty! :eyebrows:
For me though, nothing gets close to the Chewin' The Fat sketch of 'Taysiders in space'. Remember that? 'Set phasers tae Malky'! :lol:
bLxLmFhROqY
It doesn't get much funnier than that (if you can understand it)! :D
Marco.
Yep remember it well. classic stuff. Used to watch it all the time and have the first 5 series of Still Game which was a spin off.
Just get a copy of this:
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/BOOTSIE-AND-SNUDGE-SERIES-1-/331146128027?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item4d19d8ea9b
Haven't seen them for donkey's years Geoff. Not likely to at those prices either :lol:
Gordon Steadman
22-04-2015, 05:31
Classic, Granty! :eyebrows:
For me though, nothing gets close to the Chewin' The Fat sketch of 'Taysiders in space'. Remember that? 'Set phasers tae Malky'! :lol:
bLxLmFhROqY
It doesn't get much funnier than that (if you can understand it)! :D
Marco.
Hmm... my sense of humour bypass operation seems to have worked - bloody foreigners messing with the classics:doh:
Techno Commander
04-05-2015, 17:33
http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i10/xavierdoc/03f012f61b4bf5056a8212b059b8de76.jpg
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.... Fukkin' hilarious!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Good to see someone rip the pish out of them, as the news is full of this YAWN-INDUCING wank at the moment!!!
"It's a girl!" Whoopee doo..... Do we give a f***?
I've tested myself on some suitable apparatus.....
http://imageshack.com/a/img908/8808/8rYGE7.gif
Marco.
Gordon Steadman
04-05-2015, 18:32
That made I laugh!!
How naughty maam:eyebrows:
A wee ginger nut! Ooops, where did that come from?? :eek: :D :eyebrows:
Marco.
A wee ginger nut! Ooops, where did that come from?? :eek: :D :eyebrows:
Marco.
James Hewitts genes cropping up again?:scratch:
Who knows, mate. With these inbred wonders, the 'seed' could've come from anywhere! Maybe there's a ginger mongrel running around in the Palace? :D
Marco.
Who knows, mate. With these inbred wonders, the 'seed' could've come from anywhere! Maybe there's a ginger mongrel running around in the Palace? :D
Marco.
With you on that one bro:yesbruv: inbred German parasites the lot of them
Colin Wonfor
11-05-2015, 16:17
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloom in well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunken people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
British high fidelity
12-05-2015, 00:30
How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"
Who knows, mate. With these inbred wonders, the 'seed' could've come from anywhere! Maybe there's a ginger mongrel running around in the Palace? :D
Marco.
Yeah, one of the Corgis!
By the way I was representing a client in court. A nice man. An animal lover. In fact so much so that he was charged with bestiality. The judge said to me: 'This is disgusting, how low can you go?" While I was trying to answer this the client spoke up form the dock: 'Dacshund'.
Audio Al
12-05-2015, 12:38
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 55
You'll need to be in comfortable, loose-fitting clothing, and barefoot, or wearing good quality trainers.
With a 5-lb potato bag in your hands, extend your arms together straight out in front, and hold them there as long as is comfortable. Aim to hold for 30 seconds, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
When you can manage two full minutes, move up to a 10-lb potato bag. Then try a 20-lb potato bag, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-lb potato bag, and hold your arms straight out for two minutes. (I'm at this level).
Once you feel confident at that level, put a small potato in the bag . . .:)
Audio Al
12-05-2015, 12:45
A man walks into a Chemist's, with his 8-year old son.They walk by the condom shelves, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
The Dad replies, “Those are Condoms Son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that, in Sex Education at School."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this pack?"
The dad replies, "Those are for Sixth-Form boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool," says the boy. Then he notices the 6 packs and asks, "Then who are these meant for then?"
"Those are for College boys," the Dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy." ... "Then who on earth uses THOSE?" he asks, pointing to a 12 pack.
With a deep sigh, and a tear in his eye, the Dad replies, "Those are for married men Son . . . One for January, One for February, one for March . . . "
Anthony K
12-05-2015, 13:23
Police in South London recently found tan Ice-cream seller dead in his van, his hair was matted with rasperry ripple and chocolate sauce, hundreds and thousands an crushed nuts covered his body and a flake was stuck up his arse.
Police believe he topped himself.
Paper is dead. long live the computer
http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0
Excellent.... Try preventing skidders with *that*! :eyebrows:
Marco.
Eagle owl
09-06-2015, 18:16
A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a pack of Viagra.
"Do you have a prescription?" the pharmacist asks.
"No, but here's a picture of my wife," he replied.
Gordon Steadman
06-07-2015, 07:27
A couple had separate bedrooms and their daughter alternated between them to share the room. In order to protect her from the finer aspects of adult life - you know.. sex - they invented a secret language. They decided to call it 'sending a letter'.
One day, the little girl went into her mother's bedroom and told her that Daddy had said that he needed to send a letter and was she available to type it?
The girl tool a message back to Daddy that said, "sorry love but the typewriter only has red ink at the moment"!!
A few days later though another message read "It's OK, the typewriter has been fixed and I can type that letter for you now - with pleasure"
The little girl, now feeling quite tired, returned to her mother and told her that daddy said "Thank you for the offer but as the letter was somewhat urgent, I wrote it by hand"
Eagle owl
17-07-2015, 17:41
^^^
:lol:
Audio Al
30-07-2015, 06:31
The Moral of Auntie Brenda
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
To get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the class came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
Our family are farmers too but we raise chickens for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
‘That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Brenda
Aunty Brenda was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
‘Good heavens,’ said the horrified teacher, ‘what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?’
Stay away from Aunty Brenda when she's pissed.’
Gordon Steadman
10-08-2015, 16:08
This is the tale of Francis Griswold, a young Welshman who was a squire to a knight in the English army in the wars against the French.
In those days, battles were fought on huge chargers that could just about carry the knight and all his armour. After another battle where neither side could win, young Griswold had an idea.
The next time the English rode out to do battle with the French, they were all riding Welsh pit ponies. The French laughed at them of course but the joke was on them as the ponies just rode under the big chargers, the knights tickled the big horse's tummies making them roll over giggling and trapping their riders. Glorious victory for the English.
Young Mr Griswold was given a whole cavalry to himself and knighted for his cleverness.
I won't bore you with the various processes that had each side riding smaller and smaller animals but eventually the English were down to dachshunds. Sadly, the French got tired of this whole process and just sat on the things. Complete rout and only one knight escaped.
Guess who?
The rain started to come down as he crept away from the terrible scene of his final defeat. Thunder, lightning, hail snow, you name it so he was a bit soggy as he crept away on his dachshund (which, by the way was a long haired animal and therefore looked a bit tatty too - more of which at the end) . Eventually, just as he was despairing of finding some cover, he saw a light in the distance and headed for it. It turned out to be a small cottage. He banged on the door and eventually it was opened by the master of the house who took one look at the rather damp Sir Griswold and told him to remove himself from the premises.
Just as poor Sir Francis was turning to go, an upstairs window opened and the wife of the household shouted down that they should take pity on the poor wretch because as she said to her husband………
………you can't leave a knight out on a dog like that!
I thank you.
PS. Why was the dachshund long haired?
Audio Al
16-08-2015, 21:32
I think this is the list of British Tits
15208
The last one definitely represents the 'tits' of England more than Britain! ;)
Marco.
You missed out the penduline tit:
http://www.wellbeingofwomen.org.uk/downloads/image/Ann%20Widdecombe%20c_%20Poppy%20Berry-2057%20(3).jpg
I rather like old Annie... She has good 'no nonsense', old-fashioned values, and a low tolerance threshold for sponging chavs!! ;)
Marco.
PS. Why was the dachshund long haired?
Good grief that was dreadful. Hopefully you can resurrect when I bite: I give up - why was the dachshund long haired?
Gordon Steadman
24-08-2015, 13:50
Good grief that was dreadful. Hopefully you can resurrect when I bite: I give up - why was the dachshund long haired?
:lol:
'cos it was a shaggy dog story!!
Sepp Blatter: Fifa chief says 'he is clean' amid corruption inquiry
Outgoing Fifa president Sepp Blatter has told the BBC he is "clean" and "there is no corruption in football" amid criminal investigations at world football's governing body.
;)
Audio Al
26-08-2015, 18:16
https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5797/20894622542_ec05426c89_z.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/xQopjN)coffin (https://flic.kr/p/xQopjN) by Allen Wells (https://www.flickr.com/photos/134779142@N03/), on Flickr
.
.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
:D
Audio Al
27-08-2015, 16:11
IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT TWO PEOPLE WEARING MAN CITY T-SHIRTS,
EIGHT PEOPLE WEARING UNITED T-SHIRTS,
16 PEOPLE WEARING WEST HAM T-SHIRTS,
TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES,
FOUR JEVOVAH WITNESSES,
TWO MORMONS,
NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS,
THREE FLAG-BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
https://mail.ntlworld.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=ae752eff33&view=fimg&th=14f6fe19dba916e9&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ_zg78U_A1ZT4rJmou_Ry2zrTtecU-T52JXoBGfIeFbJqppcbdMHlT_JtwbHrAjUJh5y7mzhXBW9lcID A8QGDuFPDApFcHbzoCT8b8CbBNz0DlZgSLgtO4PYQk&sz=w622-h622&ats=1440691133084&rm=14f6fe19dba916e9&zw&atsh=1
FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS
IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
A wife is looking for a special 50th birthday gift for her husband. So she is running out of time to get that special gift that is a little bit different. The day before his birthday she finally stumbles across a pet shop with a sign saying "For sale - BJ Frogs". so she goes inside to see what a BJ frog is. The man behind the counter asks if he can help. The woman asks 'what is a BJ frog?' The saleman says, 'it's a frog that gives BJ's on command. however I can't vouch for it, but it's the last one I have, I've already sold 49 of this first batch.'
So the woman thinks that it will be a good fun gift to give her husband so buys the last one.
The next day the woman presents the gift wrapped box to her husband. He opens it and asks what it is. She tells him the same story that the pet shop owner had told her. Thinking it would be no more than a witty story to tell their friends next time them come round.
so the day passed without a hitch, they went out for a meal and a few drinks. When they got home the wife was a little bit worse the wear with the drink. So the husband puts her to bed and tells her he will be back up in a minute once he watched the TV and fed the BJ Frog.
The wife slept like a log due to the drink. Next day she wakes up and the sun is shining. then she hears a lot of noise coming from the kitchen. Pot and pans crashing about etc. She gets dressed and goes downstairs. The place is a mess, pots, pans, cook books, pieces of burnt food, bits of undercooked food strewn all over the place. She is a wee bit annoyed at the noise and mess. She shouts at the husband (it's not his birthday now see!). 'What the f**K is going on here?'
the husband turns round and says:
'If I can teach this frog to cook....you're out of here!!!
Sorry if it's in here already. I got to page 7 but wanted to share one.
:scratch:
Yes , I'm with it now:)
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
that guy's heading for a breakdown..
Did you know you can burn up to 150 calories in one vigorous session of masturbation.
Just wish they didn't keep kicking me out of the Weight Watchers meetings though..
Did you know you can burn up to 150 calories in one vigorous session of masturbation.
Just wish they didn't keep kicking me out of the Weight Watchers meetings though..
A good shag is supposed to be the equivalent of a 5 mile run. Probably a myth, but that’s what I tell my girlfriend; who says she wants to loose weight.
As they say: 'May all your ups and downs be between the sheets'! :eyebrows:
Marco.
My wife recommended I eat prunes to keep myself regular.
But I have a shit at 7am every morning, I told her.
Yes but most days you dont wake up until 9, she replied.
Prunes? ...no wonder you shit the bed :eek: I actually like prunes and custard. must remember to set an alarm for 6.46am though:eyebrows:
MikeMusic
11-10-2015, 17:09
My wife recommended I eat prunes to keep myself regular.
But I have a shit at 7am every morning, I told her.
Yes but most days you dont wake up until 9, she replied.
Superb !
Audio Al
24-10-2015, 05:00
Paddy and Jim were neighbours but they were also both beekeepers. The only difference was that Paddy had a very poor crop of honey whilst Jim had a huge crop.
Paddy was grumbling to his wife about this and said "If you see Jim in the garden ask him what his secret is. He is more likely to tell you than me"
When Paddy's wife asked Jim he explained, "I get up at 6 o'clock every morning to make sure the beehive entrance is fully open and I give the hive a gentle shake to get them out and about. It's particularly important at this time of year because all the flower beds in the local park are in full bloom and they get there before Paddy's bees."
That evening Paddy's wife related the story to Paddy who immediately replied, "The man is a liar."
"Why" said his wife.
Paddy replied, "Because the park doesn't open until 9 o'clock.
Not only do i like listening to my hifi, bu tI also like playing guitar. So last week I started a new band. We are called 999 megabytes
still not one gig though
Magic Apples :lol::lol:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub3Cm0V_Z8w&feature=youtu.be
:)
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj205/anthyyyyy/sAZ4xiD_zpsjpexofva.jpg (http://s273.photobucket.com/user/anthyyyyy/media/sAZ4xiD_zpsjpexofva.jpg.html)
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj205/anthyyyyy/_35_zps359tq4ex.jpg (http://s273.photobucket.com/user/anthyyyyy/media/_35_zps359tq4ex.jpg.html)
:D
http://i1053.photobucket.com/albums/s468/richbritton/Mobile%20Uploads/12239487_983809721642351_1789981439857048793_n.png (http://s1053.photobucket.com/user/richbritton/media/Mobile%20Uploads/12239487_983809721642351_1789981439857048793_n.png .html)
:lol:
Ali Tait
21-11-2015, 00:04
Must be a pic from NEBO. :-)
But it still made me smile
Many years ago, I married a widow, who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Also, it appears that I am my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the answer to the following query: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefit?
Ha ha , scrambled my brains trying to keep up with that one
"I'm sorry Sir, we don't serve Time Traveller's in here".
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Time Traveller walks into a Bar...
Woman walks into a Bar and asks for a double entendre..
So the Barman gave her one.
Old George
10-12-2015, 02:20
I was down the gym this morning, when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.
Met a bloke in a pub at the weekend (near Richmond Park), he offered me eight legs of Venison for £50, do you think that was two deer ?
I used to go out with a girl who used to punch and bite me every time she had an orgasm.
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
Fella buys a packet of mixed flavour condoms. Raspberry, Banana, Strawberry etc. He says to his wife "lets play a game, I will put one on and you have to guess what flavour it is" She agrees. She goes under the blankets and says "Cheesy Quavers?" He says "for fecks sake give me a chance to put one on!"
Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis.
RSPCA said i'd just get a warning this time!
A scientist today has invented a bra that stops boobs bouncing up and down and prevents nipples from sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked his head in.
Q - What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
A - Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Two flies on a turd,one farts,the other says "do you mind? i'm trying to eat"
Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
There was also the dyslexic agnostic that didn't believe in dogs.
Or the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse and filled it with destitute's.
A serial killer has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles...
Police said in a statement last night.. He seems to be following some sort of pattern!
Our lass just whispered in my ear..
"Tonight I'm going to give you super sex",
I said, -- "I think i'll have the soup"
In the kitchen this morning I found my wife face down and not breathing,
I panicked, I didn't know what to do... Then I remembered,
McDonald's do breakfast till 10:30!
I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open...
She said 'It's my husband, Quick try the back door...
Thinking back afterwards I really should have legged it,
but you don't get an offer like that everyday!
I know its an old one but ---
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
Techno Commander
27-12-2015, 11:41
http://41.media.tumblr.com/aeb4c070d5f944ec488b39a714d1f0dc/tumblr_nt8v8eQQ1y1sppeklo1_1280.jpg
Audio Al
27-12-2015, 11:51
Good job she is not using him as a spin clean machine :lol:
Stratmangler
12-01-2016, 13:02
I found this very amusing
7i15OPuFvmA
It caused a bit of a stir in some quarters too http://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-35288560 :)
trio leo
12-01-2016, 17:11
Just been for a lovely Indian curry, I had a chicken tarka, it's like a chicken tikka, just a little otter. :)
Audio Al
14-01-2016, 05:14
Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild but when they go, they take your house and car.
Audio Al
14-01-2016, 05:18
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1459/24342584556_57e8053699.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/D657iJ)Untitled (https://flic.kr/p/D657iJ) by Allen Wells (https://www.flickr.com/photos/134779142@N03/), on Flickr
Audio Al
14-01-2016, 05:21
took my other half to the doctors the other day, to try and cure her tourettes ...
It turns out she doesn't have it, she really thinks I'm a f*****g b*****d, and really does wish I'd f*** off
Audio Al
14-01-2016, 05:22
My mate's girlfriend, was dancing on a table in the club.
"Good legs," I said to him.
"Do you really think so?," he asked.
"Yes," I replied, "most other tables would've collapsed under that weight!
SS-Audio
14-01-2016, 07:02
Man vs Woman difference
https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/941993_454642024629620_549992708_n.jpg?oh=92ce5d7d 6ea261bf7c9bb9d17d2e587e&oe=5704A3EA
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
legb4rsk
17-01-2016, 15:38
A man is worried about the health of his wife.She has been wandering off in the night & falling prey to all types of unscrupulous men who have taken advantage of her confused state & having their wicked way with her.
He takes her to the doctors & retells the symptoms. The doctor says that her behavior may be cause by Alzteimers but because of all her sexual activity she may have contracted AIDS but he can't be sure.
The husband says what can you do to help her?
The doctor replies that he should take her out for a drive & drop her off a couple of miles from their house.
What do I do then replies the husband.The doctor says that he should return home & if she turns up whatever you do don't f*&k her!
http://i1053.photobucket.com/albums/s468/richbritton/Mobile%20Uploads/12512518_10156694643115508_4134018815633406619_n.j pg (http://s1053.photobucket.com/user/richbritton/media/Mobile%20Uploads/12512518_10156694643115508_4134018815633406619_n.j pg.html)
Audio Al
19-01-2016, 16:41
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1496/24375251002_c95388dd9d.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/D8XwUj)Untitled (https://flic.kr/p/D8XwUj) by Allen Wells (https://www.flickr.com/photos/134779142@N03/), on Flickr
I ordered an Oasis soup in a restaurant today.
It's just like a normal soup but you got a roll with it.
I ordered an Oasis soup in a restaurant today.
It's just like a normal soup but you got a roll with it.
Lovely. Staying with the food related music gags:
Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
A: With jam in.
Audio Al
23-01-2016, 00:18
How do you make a penguin into a singer ?
Microwave until his Bill Withers
Techno Commander
23-01-2016, 10:50
Oh dear. Looks like we have now lost H from Steps.
http://www.tiger800.co.uk/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=17768.0;attach=207 03;image
One for the Scottish mafia to appreciate:
6v_qFeLnVic
Sounds like a right roaster! :lol: :D
Marco.
http://i1053.photobucket.com/albums/s468/richbritton/Mobile%20Uploads/12650848_10153941264414329_5124633588998989201_n.j pg (http://s1053.photobucket.com/user/richbritton/media/Mobile%20Uploads/12650848_10153941264414329_5124633588998989201_n.j pg.html)
Sound like anyone here?
The wife came home early and caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread...
"It's not what it looks like" I said
"Well what is it then?" she enquired
"It's a woman" I said.......
The wife came home early and caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread...
"It's not what it looks like" I said
"Well what is it then?" she enquired
"It's a woman" I said.......
:rfl:
legb4rsk
04-02-2016, 19:37
As a change from jokes I thought I would share a couple of one liners from a friend of mine.He was married,but not for long,as will become apparent.
His attitude to women was straight from a previous century.
He was berating his wife, as usual, & said that he would like to come home one day & find the oven as warm as the television.
His wife confronted him about his affairs & infidelity.'What would you call me if you found me in bed with one of your friends?'
He replied 'A lesbian.'
Any more real world one liners & ripostes that you have heard?
As a change from jokes I thought I would share a couple of one liners from a friend of mine.He was married,but not for long,as will become apparent.
His attitude to women was straight from a previous century.
He was berating his wife, as usual, & said that he would like to come home one day & find the oven as warm as the television.
His wife confronted him about his affairs & infidelity.'What would you call me if you found me in bed with one of your friends?'
He replied 'A lesbian.'
Any more real world one liners & ripostes that you have heard?
No but I can share a few nicknames I have for work colleagues
Blister - The manager who pops up when all the hard work is done.
Thrombosis - A slow moving clot of a colleague.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Cooking is not difficult; if it were, women would be no good at it.
He was berating his wife, as usual, & said that he would like to come home one day & find the oven as warm as the television.
Hehehe... I like that! :thumbsup:
And if not, 'warm up' her arse accordingly!! :D
Marco.
legb4rsk
05-02-2016, 06:45
No but I can share a few nicknames I have for work colleagues
Blister - The manager who pops up when all the hard work is done.
Thrombosis - A slow moving clot of a colleague.
Yes! When I was a field engineer we used to call the support engineers in the office pilot lights
because the never went out.
Ali Tait
05-02-2016, 09:00
When I lived in Leeds, used to work with a bloke who'd lost most of his teeth - just had the one on the top in front, so in the usual laconic Yorkshire manner of dropping H's, he was called Central Eating..
Eagle owl
09-02-2016, 06:20
When I lived in Leeds, used to work with a bloke who'd lost most of his teeth - just had the one on the top in front, so in the usual laconic Yorkshire manner of dropping H's, he was called Central Eating..
From the age of 17 to 22 I worked as a roof tiler and one of the old boys on the firm didn't have a tooth in his head. He could devour a crusty bacon roll faster than the rest of us who had teeth and it was a sight to see. :lol:
Eagle owl
09-02-2016, 06:58
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Dr.Geezer
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - this is petrol.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, - that is petrol.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £1000 back." (giving him a £10 note)
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back; that will be £500."
Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*
Paddy goes on holiday to Spain, he's having no luck pulling birds but notices an English lad in the next apartment is pulling birds every night.
One night in the bar he asks him "Whats the secret? how can i improve my non existent pulling rate? The English lad advises him to stuff something down his swimming trunks on the beach to make himself look larger.
He finds a potato kicking around and pops it into his trunks next morning. Its no good the girls now run away with looks of horror on their faces.
He tells his new mate this nd asks "what i am doing wrong?" He replies "You are supposed to put it in the front".
Paddy was walking along a nudist beach in Spain with a hat perched on his todger to prevent sunburn,
Vanessa Feltz walked passed sniggering and said, "if you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat".
Paddy replied, "if you weren't so minging, it would lift itself".
Not a joke but very funny
German mayor blasts far-right, reveals porn browsing
By PAUL DALLISON 2/19/16, 4:38 PM CET
The mayor of a small German town thought he was making a serious point about the rise of the far-right Alternative for Germany party — but was revealing his Internet porn browsing history.
Thomas Köppl, the mayor of Quickborn near Hamburg, was taking part in a debate on the AfD and used a screenshot of the German constitution to make his point, German newspaper Bild reported. But he had forgotten to close other, XXX-rated tabs on his Internet browser for pages with titles such as “Punishment porn videos” and “German slut punished.”
:lol::D
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.;)
Very good Grant :eyebrows:
A 90 odd yr old man accused of groping???:scratch:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2016/03/12/90-year-old-man-charged-sex-assualt/81689368/
It gets funnier the more you read on :D
trio leo
13-03-2016, 20:23
The missus atacked me with the vacuum cleaner last night, I said " hey, you're Dyson with death there" :)
it's not the first time, a guy attacked me with a razor once...................... good job it wasn't plugged in. :)
mr sneff
25-03-2016, 22:16
https://i1332.photobucket.com/albums/w608/mrdavidjanssen/speaker%20cable_zpsi2zhkh7l.jpeg
mr sneff
28-03-2016, 08:27
https://i649.photobucket.com/albums/uu219/dayjay1/DE6770C0-22BF-41A0-9037-EB09CFEDBF3D_zps13euxnps.jpg
https://i649.photobucket.com/albums/uu219/dayjay1/DE6770C0-22BF-41A0-9037-EB09CFEDBF3D_zps13euxnps.jpg
lol.... nice one David
legb4rsk
29-03-2016, 01:07
Very good Grant :eyebrows:
A 90 odd yr old man accused of groping???:scratch:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2016/03/12/90-year-old-man-charged-sex-assualt/81689368/
It gets funnier the more you read on :D
Reminds me of the story of another old man accused of harassing the females in an old peoples home.
He was taken to the senior managers office to explain himself & the manager said 'You do realise that Mrs Jones is 83 years old & has acute angina!'
He replied with a grin on his face, 'You're telling me!!'
Mind out when you drive that mower :D
https://www.facebook.com/PFCMagazine/
Top tip - Recreate the experience of a self catering foreign holiday by visiting a branch of Lidl in another town on a warm day.
Ha - like it... You can be anywhere you want in Europe, inside Lidl, as every branch looks the same!
Fancy a trip to Italy? Go to Lidl in Italian week, or a 'Weekend in Paris'? Then go there in French week, buy a baguette and sit in the car park....... Job done - just think of the money you'd save!! :D
Marco.
Came home last night to find my wife had left a note by the hifi saying "it's not working, I've had enough and I'm leaving".
So I put on an LP, turned the volume up and it sounded perfect.
What the hell is she talking about?
Four engineers get into a car. It won't start.
Must be the starter motor that's f**ked, says the mechanical engineer.
No, it's a flat battery, says the electrical engineer.
Probably poor quality fuel, says the chemical engineer.
Shall we try getting out, then back in again, says the computer engineer.
http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/xq90/923/Skm3Jz.jpg (https://imageshack.com/i/pnSkm3Jzj)
Marco.
Neighbour just came over to show me her pussy:)
Did you rub its fur? :eyebrows:
Marco.
Did you rub its fur? :eyebrows:
Marco.
yup... she said to stroke it so I did ;)
seemed quite responsive to a tickle
Virtual-Symmetry
25-05-2016, 21:47
Not only thing id be stroking :eyebrows:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_UGD7AazMI&feature=youtu.be
Saw this in Tesco yesterday :lol:
http://i434.photobucket.com/albums/qq61/gazjamster/171a846573c9cd8efa23a7764a54dcfa_zpsrofjkhj0.jpg
Yeah, i make it for them in my shed;)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O4XqvO0Eec,
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