It's not just hi-fi that needs WAF - this is allegedly a genuine ad from the South African Autotrader...
http://i653.photobucket.com/albums/u...l1969/bike.jpg
Printable View
It's not just hi-fi that needs WAF - this is allegedly a genuine ad from the South African Autotrader...
http://i653.photobucket.com/albums/u...l1969/bike.jpg
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
-------------------------------
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter.
F16 vs. C-130
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
Us older folks understand this one.
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
Well done, that man ! The one about th farmer's aligator ruse and the male agony aunt one had my wife in fits of laughter.
CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that..
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different bloke's turn.
The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Frank's turn.
Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.
They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night.
Judging Others
An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?'
'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's quite an inappropriate question from someone whose dick is on his face.'
Makes you think, doesn't it?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO οΏ½ MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. .. .
Richard:
He makes bread . .
Contestant:
Er . ...
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ..... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:
Japan ..
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ..... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er. ... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .
Contestant:
Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall
asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character
clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
The "selective audition" syndrome is widespread among men, although it remains a mystery for most women.
For instance, when a woman says:
"Listen ! This mess is unbearable ! You and me, we'll clean it all together. Look, all your clothes are lying on the floor and if we do not wash them immediately, soon you'll have you walk naked. You help me a bit with this mess on the bed, and put some order now, I mean immediately! "
most men hear:
"Listen !.. Blablablabla .. you and me ...Blablablabla ... together ... Blablablabla... naked ...Blablablabla... on the bed ... Blablablabla...now .... Blablablabla... immediately! "
To date, no therapy seems to effectively treat this audition impairing.
Apparently, men focus their attention on the essential part.
Is one of our members currently starring in the new Miike Snow video?
Could this be Beechwoods, fettling one of his latest R2R additions? :lol:
Maybe Dave Cawley just discovering the latest Techie tweak? :lolsign:
Stan working on his latest creation? ;)
Maybe this is what you find if you enter that door, between those two big Lockwood cabinets???? :D
Unless anyone else has any suggestions???!!! :eyebrows:
:lol: great video! I'd say it has to be Dave 'cos the main featured reel to reel looks just like the black Akai GX-625 featured in his recent Private Exhibitions post. And besides, my hair's shorter :)
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "Well, I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f*ck off.
:lol:
:lolsign::D
Oh yes ! True or not, I would love to tell any of the former girlfriends of mine who had fucked me up, to go and do the same. These days I'm now a lot more 'laid back' and mellower, so I probably wouldn't be so aggressive.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
Regards
This is not being aggressive : it's being sincere ! :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by barry.d.hunt
Anyone with an interest in landlord / tenant relations should read this for tips on how to conduct a thoroughly professional and business like contractual arrangement.
Anyone else should read this for a couple of good belly laughs.
http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/The%20Landlord.pdf
Love the subject line of the final email - 'Nom nom nom' !!!
That is absolute genius....Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grand Wazoo
Yep, awesome!
I was sent this by email today. Apparently the sketch made it past the censors and was actually broadcast.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
Chris:lolsign:
Superb, Chris!
That reminds me, I need some handles for forks... ;)
Wot, four candles ?Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
Chris:)
>
>
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
> time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind this
> very village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
> love to you..'
>
>
>
> Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
>
> OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
> do it for old time's sake?'
>
> Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
>
> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
> and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see
> these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
> on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
>
>
>
> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
> support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
> tavern and make their way to the fence.
>
>
>
> The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
> leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
>
>
>
> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
> has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making
> loud noises and moaning and screaming.
>
>
>
>
> Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
>
>
>
>
> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
> and old age that he didn't know.
>
>
>
>
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
> couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
> policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
> amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
>
>
>
>
> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
> something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
> some sort of secret to this?'
>
>
>
>
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that
> wasn't an electric fence.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
A ventriloquist is taking a camping holiday in the country, walks past a small farmhouse and sees the farmer sitting on his porch patting his dog.
"Good morning, mind if I talk to your dog?"
"The dog doesn't talk, you stupid bastard townie"
"Hello dog, how's it going me ol' fella?"
"I'm doin' all right, sir. Thanks ever so much for askin' "
"Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the farmer)
"Yep"
"How does he treat you?"
"Really well actually. I get plenty of excercise roundin' up them ol' sheep, his missus feeds me great food and the kids take me to the park once a week to play with a ball."
The ventriloquist looks around and sees a horse in a nearby paddock
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
"Eeeerm, the horse doesn't talk either....I don't think so anyhow."
"Hey horsie, how's it going, man?"
"Cool, baby, just cool"
"Is this your owner?"
"Yeah baby, though some cats tend to think all possession is theft, y'know?"
"How does he treat you?"
"Pretty good, pretty good, and I gotta say, baby it's really cool of you to ask, maaaan. The grub's pretty groovy vegan hay, the kids ride me regularly, & his lady brushes me down and keeps me in the barn to keep me warm & dry."
The ventriloquist looks around and fixes his gaze on a distant field with some grazing livestock in it. Before he can open his mouth the farmer yells at him
"That sheep's a bloody liar."
Not wanting to cr@p over Dave Cawley's SL1200 Mk6 thread so thought I'd better post it here, but the funny translation of (usually) East Asian to English has the dubious title of "Engrish" - this being by far the best example I have seen in a long while:
http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/u...he-tourist.jpg
(Actually its so funny I am wondering if it was deliberate or a fake?)
Just Google 'Engrish' for plenty more very amusing examples!
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new car every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
Establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
Forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man
Leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.
"You fucken idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough
With laxatives."
"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too
fucken scared to cough"
Employee Appraisal
Trevor Adams, my assistant, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes work I assign to him on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor should be
promoted to executive management, and a my formal proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum...
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I was writing the above appraisal.
Please re-read it but this time ignore every other line.
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in Southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory: On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Harry Reid: Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
F*** You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.
What's funny about that - we have those conversations in our house regularly!!! :lolsign: :lolsign:Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a book entitled " You Can Be The Man
of Your House". He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of. this house
and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You
will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands and fluff my pillows and make me comfortable for
a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb
my hair ?"
.
.
.
./
.
.
.
The wife replied,
"The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess!"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifAstronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifAstrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifHorologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifMeteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gifTheologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, nice horse you got their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Redneck Computer Terms
Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.
Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"
ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke
Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"
Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Tab - What you owe the bartender
Shift - How you get to a different gear.
RAM - Great truck
Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.
Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).
Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.
Laptop - Where the stripper sits.
Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP
from a KNEELING position ?
The record (0.757 metres) - remember this is from a KNEELING position -
was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .
This photograph was taken a split second before the jump -
but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.....
http://i419.photobucket.com/albums/p..._01/hijump.jpg
(I live 2km from there) (the dog is not mine) ! :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Themis
Is the lady?
:eyebrows:
:lolsign:
No, but...... if she can jump on her knees so far... I could certainly find that useful, somehow...:eyebrows:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Themis
:lol:
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is given the job of helping some of the other monks to copy by hand the old manuscripts with the laws of the church.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies
He says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, and everything has always been just fine but you make a good point, my son.'
The Abbot then goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees him.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing:
'That is definately an R ! ..........We missed out the R !........... We missed out the R !' ........ For pity's sake, we missed out the R ! ......... How could we have been so stupid to have not spotted that the R was missing?"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot:
'What's wrong, Father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"I just can't believe it - after all these years I find out that the word was........
...........C - E - L - E - B - R - A - T - E !!!"
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
The rule is :
Every girl can have at most three out of four attributes: Beautiful, nice character, intelligent, single.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired to work on a building site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says:
"A wagon came yesterday, but the site's very wet so he had to tip his load of sand here near the entrance so he wouldn't get stuck in the mud. I need it over there near the cement mixer, so you guys need to shovel it up & leave the place looking spotless, 'cos the boss is coming to visit the site this afternoon & he'll kill me if he sees the entrance has been blocked. All the tools are stored in that shed over there"
He turns to the Italian:
"You're in charge of sweeping – I want the place looking immaculate".
To the Scotsman he says:
"You're in charge of shovelling – make sure you get every last bit of the sand shifted into wheelbarrows".
To the Chinese man he says:
"You can do the wheelbarrow work; make sure you get the sand proper close to the cement mixer. Oh, and I suppose you may as well be in charge of supplies too."
He then tells them he has to go somewhere but when he returns two hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.
"Why didn't you sweep any of it" he asks the Italian.
The Italian replies:
"I no gotta da broom to do-a da work. You tell-a me dat da Chinese-a guy, he suppose-a ta bring-a da supplies but he-a disappear and I no find-a heem. I'm a waitin' here all-a dis time-a for him to gimme da tools to do-a my job-a".
The foreman turns then to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
"Aye, well……..y'see, I couldnae get masell a shovel. Ye left the wee Chinese manny in charge ae supplies but I couldnae fin' um – I'd be sittin' on ma aerse til this time the mons morn uf ye hadnae turnt up jest noo "
The foreman is furious and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
"Supplies!!!"
Brilliant joke Chris but just change Irishman to Scotsman in the first line....Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grand Wazoo
Thanks Jerry - I did stuff it up a bit didn't I?
Supplies !!!! :D