Jokes & Funnies

[Stratmangler]

I was sent this by email today. Apparently the sketch made it past the censors and was actually broadcast.


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. 
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. 
 
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.









Chris

[Alex_UK]

Superb, Chris!

That reminds me, I need some handles for forks...

[Stratmangler]

Superb, Chris!

That reminds me, I need some handles for forks...

Wot, four candles ?

Chris

[Mike Reed]

>
>
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
> time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind this
> very village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
> love to you..'
>
>
>
> Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
>
> OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
> do it for old time's sake?'
>
> Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
>
> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
> and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see
> these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
> on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
>
>
>
> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
> support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
> tavern and make their way to the fence.
>
>
>
> The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
> leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
>
>
>
> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
> has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making
> loud noises and moaning and screaming.
>
>
>
>
> Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
>
>
>
>
> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
> and old age that he didn't know.
>
>
>
>
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
> couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
> policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
> amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
>
>
>
>
> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
> something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
> some sort of secret to this?'
>
>
>
>
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that
> wasn't an electric fence.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

[The Grand Wazoo]

A ventriloquist is taking a camping holiday in the country, walks past a small farmhouse and sees the farmer sitting on his porch patting his dog.

"Good morning, mind if I talk to your dog?"
"The dog doesn't talk, you stupid bastard townie"

"Hello dog, how's it going me ol' fella?"
"I'm doin' all right, sir. Thanks ever so much for askin' "

"Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the farmer)
"Yep"

"How does he treat you?"
"Really well actually. I get plenty of excercise roundin' up them ol' sheep, his missus feeds me great food and the kids take me to the park once a week to play with a ball."

The ventriloquist looks around and sees a horse in a nearby paddock
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
"Eeeerm, the horse doesn't talk either....I don't think so anyhow."

"Hey horsie, how's it going, man?"
"Cool, baby, just cool"

"Is this your owner?"
"Yeah baby, though some cats tend to think all possession is theft, y'know?"

"How does he treat you?"
"Pretty good, pretty good, and I gotta say, baby it's really cool of you to ask, maaaan. The grub's pretty groovy vegan hay, the kids ride me regularly, & his lady brushes me down and keeps me in the barn to keep me warm & dry."

The ventriloquist looks around and fixes his gaze on a distant field with some grazing livestock in it. Before he can open his mouth the farmer yells at him

"That sheep's a bloody liar."

[Alex_UK]

Not wanting to cr@p over Dave Cawley's SL1200 Mk6 thread so thought I'd better post it here, but the funny translation of (usually) East Asian to English has the dubious title of "Engrish" - this being by far the best example I have seen in a long while:



(Actually its so funny I am wondering if it was deliberate or a fake?)

Just Google 'Engrish' for plenty more very amusing examples!

[Jonboy]

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new car every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
Establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
Forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:


'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

[Mike]

Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man
Leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You fucken idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough
With laxatives."

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too
fucken scared to cough"

[The Grand Wazoo]

Employee Appraisal

Trevor Adams, my assistant, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes work I assign to him on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor should be
promoted to executive management, and a my formal proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Addendum...
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I was writing the above appraisal.
Please re-read it but this time ignore every other line.

[Alex_UK]

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in Southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory: On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Harry Reid: Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN