Jokes & Funnies

[snapper]

(I live 2km from there) (the dog is not mine) !

Is the lady?

[Themis]

No, but...... if she can jump on her knees so far... I could certainly find that useful, somehow...

[snapper]

No, but...... if she can jump on her knees so far... I could certainly find that useful, somehow...

[The Grand Wazoo]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is given the job of helping some of the other monks to copy by hand the old manuscripts with the laws of the church.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies

He says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, and everything has always been just fine but you make a good point, my son.'

The Abbot then goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees him.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing:
'That is definately an R ! ..........We missed out the R !........... We missed out the R !' ........ For pity's sake, we missed out the R ! ......... How could we have been so stupid to have not spotted that the R was missing?"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot:
'What's wrong, Father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"I just can't believe it - after all these years I find out that the word was........
...........C - E - L - E - B - R - A - T - E !!!"

[REM]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[Themis]

The rule is :

Every girl can have at most three out of four attributes: Beautiful, nice character, intelligent, single.

[The Grand Wazoo]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired to work on a building site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says:
"A wagon came yesterday, but the site's very wet so he had to tip his load of sand here near the entrance so he wouldn't get stuck in the mud. I need it over there near the cement mixer, so you guys need to shovel it up & leave the place looking spotless, 'cos the boss is coming to visit the site this afternoon & he'll kill me if he sees the entrance has been blocked. All the tools are stored in that shed over there"
He turns to the Italian:
"You're in charge of sweeping – I want the place looking immaculate".
To the Scotsman he says:
"You're in charge of shovelling – make sure you get every last bit of the sand shifted into wheelbarrows".
To the Chinese man he says:
"You can do the wheelbarrow work; make sure you get the sand proper close to the cement mixer. Oh, and I suppose you may as well be in charge of supplies too."

He then tells them he has to go somewhere but when he returns two hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.
"Why didn't you sweep any of it" he asks the Italian.
The Italian replies:
"I no gotta da broom to do-a da work. You tell-a me dat da Chinese-a guy, he suppose-a ta bring-a da supplies but he-a disappear and I no find-a heem. I'm a waitin' here all-a dis time-a for him to gimme da tools to do-a my job-a".

The foreman turns then to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
"Aye, well……..y'see, I couldnae get masell a shovel. Ye left the wee Chinese manny in charge ae supplies but I couldnae fin' um – I'd be sittin' on ma aerse til this time the mons morn uf ye hadnae turnt up jest noo "
The foreman is furious and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

"Supplies!!!"

[Covenant]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired to work on a building site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says:
"A wagon came yesterday, but the site's very wet so he had to tip his load of sand here near the entrance so he wouldn't get stuck in the mud. I need it over there near the cement mixer, so you guys need to shovel it up & leave the place looking spotless, 'cos the boss is coming to visit the site this afternoon & he'll kill me if he sees the entrance has been blocked. All the tools are stored in that shed over there"
He turns to the Italian:
"You're in charge of sweeping – I want the place looking immaculate".
To the Scotsman he says:
"You're in charge of shovelling – make sure you get every last bit of the sand shifted into wheelbarrows".
To the Chinese man he says:
"You can do the wheelbarrow work; make sure you get the sand proper close to the cement mixer. Oh, and I suppose you may as well be in charge of supplies too."

He then tells them he has to go somewhere but when he returns two hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.
"Why didn't you sweep any of it" he asks the Italian.
The Italian replies:
"I no gotta da broom to do-a da work. You tell-a me dat da Chinese-a guy, he suppose-a ta bring-a da supplies but he-a disappear and I no find-a heem. I'm a waitin' here all-a dis time-a for him to gimme da tools to do-a my job-a".

The foreman turns then to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
"Aye, well……..y'see, I couldnae get masell a shovel. Ye left the wee Chinese manny in charge ae supplies but I couldnae fin' um – I'd be sittin' on ma aerse til this time the mons morn uf ye hadnae turnt up jest noo "
The foreman is furious and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

"Supplies!!!"

Brilliant joke Chris but just change Irishman to Scotsman in the first line....

[The Grand Wazoo]

Thanks Jerry - I did stuff it up a bit didn't I?

[Themis]

Supplies !!!!