Jokes & Funnies

[Alex_UK]

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

“F*** You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

[mercury1 (trolling as Dave K)]

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

“F*** You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

What's funny about that - we have those conversations in our house regularly!!!

[Jonboy]

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled " You Can Be The Man
of Your House". He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of. this house
and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You
will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands and fluff my pillows and make me comfortable for
a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb
my hair ?"

.
.
.
./
.
.
.




The wife replied,

"The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess!"

[Mike]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

[Mike]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[Mike]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

[Mike]

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[Mike]

Redneck Computer Terms

Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.

Window - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: "We gonna modem dandelions"

ROM - Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte - Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word "me" or "this"

Cursor - The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab - What you owe the bartender

Shift - How you get to a different gear.

RAM - Great truck

Edit - Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet - Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts - That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop - Where the stripper sits.

[Jonboy]

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP

from a KNEELING position ?


The record (0.757 metres) - remember this is from a KNEELING position -

was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .


This photograph was taken a split second before the jump -

but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.....

[Themis]

(I live 2km from there) (the dog is not mine) !