With the Ashes about to start.......
What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A vet.
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With the Ashes about to start.......
What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A vet.
Sounds a bit sick now.... perhaps if you substitute Englishman for Australian :(Quote:
Originally Posted by mr sneff
Not wishing to inflame Anglo-US relations - nothing to do with this guy being American, you can be a prick whatever country you come from... :)
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BZiOj0dCIAAcX0S.jpg:large
That's brilliant!!
+1 :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ali Tait
I didn't wake up this morning
Whatever you might think of James Blunt's music, he is certainly a wit...
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/12/31/...itter-in-2013/
Whether morally, spiritually, intellectually or financially is not yet clear.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BdD1FoNCYAAawDd.jpg
This is why we should welcome immigrants; they bring us wonderful words like 'schadenfreude'.
:lol:
All 4, I reckon.Quote:
Originally Posted by Straff
Bloody Foreigner. Coming over here and asking what love is.
Bless her little heart! :lol:
I can understand them being pissed off.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news...7#.UuSt5tXFLnA
In need of a laugh? Part of a classic episode of Have I Got News.
Sadly, doesn't include the bit where he calls Tescos Bastards!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxkGIpmrYJo
The Youtube link doesn't work on my mobile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxkGIpmrYJo
Link not working for me.
Aha! It works!
Fixed... :)Quote:
Originally Posted by prestonchipfryer
Thanks Dave. I had a .be added from the downloader I viewed it on.
The Youtube link still doesn't work with Opera mobile though. It did before the changes to the site last year.
Nobody here with a sense of humour?Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Kipling
This is quality entertainment, people.
We had a power cut this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & hifi were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and what's more, it was raining outside, so I couldn't even go and play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make some coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.
And do you know what? She actually seems like a nice person
You never struck me as a golf player Chris - but then what do I know!Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grand Wazoo
Hah!
No, and nor do I own an ipad or iphone, I'm not bothered by rain, and what's more I've always known my wife is a nice person!
Wait till you meet her againQuote:
Originally Posted by The Grand Wazoo
:)
Q. How does one get a fat girl into bed?
A. Piece o' cake
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Hudz
Al, there's yer new avatar! :lol: :lol:
Marco.
:)
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
Excellent! :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Techno Commander
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%..
It's called a Wedding Cake
He obviously needs thisQuote:
Originally Posted by snapper
A 7 year old and his 4 year old brother are in their bedroom.
“You know what” says the 7 year old. “I think it is time we started swearing.
When we go down stairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you”
“OK” says the 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. “I'll have Coco Pops, bitch”
WHACK!!!, he flew off his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looked at 4 year old and said rather sternly “And what do you want?”.
“Dunno but it won't be f*****g Coco Pops.”
Perspire - How cathedral builders get paid
Perverse - How poets get paid
Perpetuate - How Korean restaurant owners get paid
Panting - Jamaican cooking utensil
Grating - Something Jamaicans really like.
Methinks a fan of the Radio 4 'quiz' - "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue". :)
Well spotted :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Barry
In 90% of the world that is not a joke.Quote:
Originally Posted by Techno Commander
So true. My local authority experience saw much of the same. Manager turns up in brand new car, favoured contractor turns up later in similar brand new car and only one digit separates the registration numbers. Go figure!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrei
Bonopoly - Like Monopoly but the streets have no name.
A young Glaswegian guy takes his new girlfriend home to meet the family.
The dad looks up and says “Who’s is this lovely young lady?”
Boy says “It’s Amanda.”
The dad jumps up and shouts “It’s a f.....g what?”
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by archiesdad
A Scouser joke
A Scouser gets a job as a labourer on a building site and at the end of the first day he gets stopped by the security guard who asks the Scouser why he's got his coat over his wheelbarrow.
The Scouser says, "It's just to keep it dry mate". The guard doesn't believe him and insists on removing the coat, on doing so he finds nothing in the wheelbarrow.
This same routine occurs every single day until the site is finished and on the very last day as Scouse is exiting the gate, the guard stops him, one last time.
"Listen Scouse" the guard says, "I've misjudged you, I assumed that as you're from Liverpool, you'd always be trying to rob stuff but not once in these 3 months have you had anything hidden in your wheelbarrow, I'm sorry to have been so suspicious".
The Scouser replies, "Oh, you were right to be suspicious mate..."
"Why's that then?" asks the guard....
Scouse says, "Did you ever see me come IN to work with a wheelbarrow....?
A lady said to her doctor, "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."
I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty...
When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect.
Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.
A Chav kid was giving me cheek today, so I thought I'd ruin his Christmas. I told him, "Santa isn't real. Your Dad puts your presents out."
He looked at me blankly and said, "Who?"
My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.
A friend asked what I would regret most if I were to die in my sleep?
Probably going to bed.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
if I die before I wake
will someone please delete my internet browser history.
I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the b**tards were trying to pull.
Fosters.
My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
An old bird came over to me in the pub last night, "How old would you say I was handsome?" She purred.
"You have the eyes of a 25 year old, the hair of an 18 year old, the legs of a 21 year old and the body of a 22 year old." I replied.
"How old then you charmer?" She giggled.
I said "Hold on, Give me time to add them up".
I took my old granny to a place where you put your feet into a tank of fish and they eat all the dead skin,
It cost me £35..... I found it was a lot cheaper than the cost of a funeral !!!!
I love scouser jokes. Primarily because I can make them Mackem jokes also...Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle owl
e.g.
What is the definition of confusion?
Fathers day in Liverpool/Sunderland etc etc.
What do you call a mackem/scouser in a suit?
The defendant.
Wonderful !
My favourite of these, courtesy of Graham Garden:Quote:
Originally Posted by Wudge
Countryside - Killing Piers Morgan...
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed."Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his arse!"
A friend told me he had picked up a Witch in his car.
"How do you know she was a Witch?", I asked.
"Well," he said, "She put her hand on my leg and I turned into lay-by."