Jokes & Funnies

[Stratmangler]

[archiesdad]

A young Glaswegian guy takes his new girlfriend home to meet the family.
The dad looks up and says “Who’s is this lovely young lady?”
Boy says “It’s Amanda.”
The dad jumps up and shouts “It’s a f.....g what?”

[RobbieGong]

A young Glaswegian guy takes his new girlfriend home to meet the family.
The dad looks up and says “Who’s is this lovely young lady?”
Boy says “It’s Amanda.”
The dad jumps up and shouts “It’s a f.....g what?”

[Eagle owl]

A Scouser joke

A Scouser gets a job as a labourer on a building site and at the end of the first day he gets stopped by the security guard who asks the Scouser why he's got his coat over his wheelbarrow.

The Scouser says, "It's just to keep it dry mate". The guard doesn't believe him and insists on removing the coat, on doing so he finds nothing in the wheelbarrow.

This same routine occurs every single day until the site is finished and on the very last day as Scouse is exiting the gate, the guard stops him, one last time.

"Listen Scouse" the guard says, "I've misjudged you, I assumed that as you're from Liverpool, you'd always be trying to rob stuff but not once in these 3 months have you had anything hidden in your wheelbarrow, I'm sorry to have been so suspicious".

The Scouser replies, "Oh, you were right to be suspicious mate..."

"Why's that then?" asks the guard....


Scouse says, "Did you ever see me come IN to work with a wheelbarrow....?

[Eagle owl]

A lady said to her doctor, "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."



I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.

Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty...


When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect.

Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.


A Chav kid was giving me cheek today, so I thought I'd ruin his Christmas. I told him, "Santa isn't real. Your Dad puts your presents out."

He looked at me blankly and said, "Who?"


My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.



A friend asked what I would regret most if I were to die in my sleep?

Probably going to bed.



Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep;

if I die before I wake

will someone please delete my internet browser history.



I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the b**tards were trying to pull.

Fosters.


My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.



I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."


An old bird came over to me in the pub last night, "How old would you say I was handsome?" She purred.

"You have the eyes of a 25 year old, the hair of an 18 year old, the legs of a 21 year old and the body of a 22 year old." I replied.

"How old then you charmer?" She giggled.

I said "Hold on, Give me time to add them up".



I took my old granny to a place where you put your feet into a tank of fish and they eat all the dead skin,
It cost me £35..... I found it was a lot cheaper than the cost of a funeral !!!!

[RichB]

A Scouser joke

A Scouser gets a job as a labourer on a building site and at the end of the first day he gets stopped by the security guard who asks the Scouser why he's got his coat over his wheelbarrow.

The Scouser says, "It's just to keep it dry mate". The guard doesn't believe him and insists on removing the coat, on doing so he finds nothing in the wheelbarrow.

This same routine occurs every single day until the site is finished and on the very last day as Scouse is exiting the gate, the guard stops him, one last time.

"Listen Scouse" the guard says, "I've misjudged you, I assumed that as you're from Liverpool, you'd always be trying to rob stuff but not once in these 3 months have you had anything hidden in your wheelbarrow, I'm sorry to have been so suspicious".

The Scouser replies, "Oh, you were right to be suspicious mate..."

"Why's that then?" asks the guard....


Scouse says, "Did you ever see me come IN to work with a wheelbarrow....?

I love scouser jokes. Primarily because I can make them Mackem jokes also...

e.g.
What is the definition of confusion?
Fathers day in Liverpool/Sunderland etc etc.

What do you call a mackem/scouser in a suit?
The defendant.

[MikeMusic]

Wonderful !

[shane]

Perspire - How cathedral builders get paid
Perverse - How poets get paid
Perpetuate - How Korean restaurant owners get paid
Panting - Jamaican cooking utensil
Grating - Something Jamaicans really like.

My favourite of these, courtesy of Graham Garden:

Countryside - Killing Piers Morgan...

[archiesdad]

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed."Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his arse!"

[Martyn Miles]

A friend told me he had picked up a Witch in his car.
"How do you know she was a Witch?", I asked.
"Well," he said, "She put her hand on my leg and I turned into lay-by."