Jokes & Funnies

[electric beach]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. Bad decisions make good stories.

9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

10. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

11. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

12. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

13. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

[Alex_UK]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

[Tim]

IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'.

[Techno Commander]

[Rare Bird]

[Alex_UK]

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says; "I love you."


She asks; "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies; "It's me ............. talking to the beer."

[Rare Bird]

[The Grand Wazoo]

Brilliant Alex!

How about this one then:

One afternoon, a very rich but exceedingly tight-arsed gent was out taking his new Rolls Royce out for a spin when he saw two men on the roadside verge eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his chauffeur to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked the first man: "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich man said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the rich man replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "Of course, you must come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, you don't realise that I also have a wife and sixteen children and grandchildren with me!"

"Well you must bring them too! Bring them all, as well," the rich man answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the huge, grand Roller.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied, "I'll hear none of it, I'm glad to do it. You'll really love my place............The grass is almost a foot high."

[Rare Bird]

[Alex_UK]

How about this one then:

Love it!