Jokes & Funnies

[Audio Al]

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to
a 999 call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her
mummy so he could see while he helped deliver
the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while,
Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about
what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place....
smack his arse again!"

[brian2957]

[brian2957]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

Excellent

[synsei]

Enjoy...

[Alex_UK]

Very, very clever - though it does prove that some people have far too much time on their hands. (And not one to play in front of the wife and kids in view of the language!)



Brilliant!

[Firebottle]

Classic

[The Grand Wazoo]

!!

[Macca]

Very, very clever - though it does prove that some people have far too much time on their hands. (And not one to play in front of the wife and kids in view of the language!)



Brilliant!

Man that is funny, not laughed like that in a while...'feed 'em to the pigs, Erol!'

[Eagle owl]

"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?". Asked the wife, enigmatically.

"No" I said.

She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a £20 note.
"Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?" she asked next.

"No" I said.

Again, a sexy smile, and she pulled a fifty from her knickers.
"Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" was the next question.

"No" I said, by this time very intrigued.

























"Well go and look in the garage."



A Pirate Tale

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"


Being romantic.

A wife, being a romantic sort, sent her husband a text...

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."


He replied...

"I am taking a dump, what should I do ?"


A Bottle Of Merlot.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:----

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: ----

Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.


A small glimmer of hope in the gloom.

Viagra is now available in powder form for your cup of tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.


The Sniffer Dog

A man had just boarded a plane and settled into his seat next to the window when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and the dog was a sniffer dog.

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off and once it had leveled out the Policeman said "watch this."

He told Sniffer to search.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Policeman' arm.

The Policeman said, "Good Boy" then turned to the man and said," that woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and my colleagues will apprehend her when we land."

"Wow, that's pretty good" said the first man.

Once again the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to it's seat and this time placed two paws on the Policeman's arm.

The Policeman said" two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of his seat number for my colleagues."

"I like it" said his seat companion.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to search again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment then came racing back to the Policeman, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well trained dog would behave like that so he asked the Policeman," what's going on ?"

The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."


Catholic hairdryer

In paroachial schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, religious instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was ok to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

Getting a hairdryer through customs.


An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour ?"
"Of course child, what may I do for you ?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hairdryer for her birthday.
It's unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me ? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?"

"I would love to help you dear but I must warn you, I will not lie."
She replied, "with your honest face father, no one will question you."

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare ?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?"

The priest replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father, next please"



Funeral

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a lifejacket. But as i told everyone. "Its what he would have wanted"!!


A few for Friday

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready, the flewurs, the church, the caurs, the recepshun, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be merrit in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white."


Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said,"It's probably caused by you being a fat bast*ard."
"How the f*ck can being fat cause a head cold?" She asked.
I said "Cos your heads never out of the f*cking fridge!!"



I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who'd come off his motorbike,
So I frantically rushed over."Out of the way!" I shouted,as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed."No" I replied,"Thats my f*ckin pizza"


Free kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in
front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.



Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Miliband.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he
should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her
discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her
basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got
out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative/Liberal Democrate supporters."

Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me
they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."


The best diet ever!

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."


A 5 year old.

A 5 year old grand daughter is taken to school daily by her grand dad.
One day when he wasn't feeling very well his wife took her.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different.
"What made it different ?" asked her parents.
Well gran and I did not see a single....
Tosser, blind b*stard, dick head, f*****g bitch or fat c**t anywhere on the way to school today.


My wife left a note on the fridge..

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
What the heck was she talking about..........women !!


Women are so fickle,.....they say they want someone funny and spontaneous,....but when you're dressed as a clown at their bedroom window at 2.00am.... it's all 'screams' and 'police sirens'!!


GP tells his patient 'you've got a terminal illness'.
Patient says 'i demand a second opinion'.
GP says 'ok,you're ugly as well'.


A man walks into a butchers and says to the butcher,

'Excuse me, do you have a sheep's head?'

The butcher replies,

'No it's just the way I cut my hair'


Little Susan came home from primary school and said to her mummy, "jimmy showed me his willy today, it's just like a peanut"

Mummy said "you mean small and wrinkly?"

Little Susan replied " No..........salty "


Man takes a blow-up doll back to the shop, complains "I was just getting started and it went down on me"

Shopkeeper replies "If i'd known it did that I'd have charged double"



The wife was asking me how many women I had been with,I said "do we really need to do this as I know it may upset you",she says "I'm not worried about that so just tell me".
I said "ok ,here goes 1 2 3 4 5 6 you 8 9 10 !!"
I was right,she did get upset


Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.


My wife said switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she has ever had to do.
She's obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint..


A beautiful woman

A beautiful woman walks into a music shop and says to the assistant -

"I'm looking for a Grand Piano!"

The assistant says -

"Sorry Madam, we are out of Grand Pianos, but I can show you an upright organ!"



My wife had a near death experience on Sunday.
The silly cow thought she'd do the vacuuming while the footy was on.


I got pulled over by the police after they spotted me leaving the pub car park. The officer told me to get out the car and walk in a straight line. He said excuse me sir, you are staggering - I replied you're not so bad yourself.

[Alex_UK]