Jokes & Funnies

[Straff]

My mum's just had a right rant at me, calling me disgusting and threatening to throw me out after finding spunk on my sister Laura's duvet.

I don't know why she's blaming me though, Laura spat it there.

[snuffbox]

[sparrow]

My mum's just had a right rant at me, calling me disgusting and threatening to throw me out after finding spunk on my sister Laura's duvet.

I don't know why she's blaming me though, Laura spat it there.

dirty, dirty,..

[Macca]

There is a 'massage parlour' round the block from me - the sign on the door says 'Please use entrance at the rear'

That's been giving me a cheap laugh for several years now...

[synsei]

Les Barber ~ The Mark Of Mono



Enjoy...

[bobbasrah]

Deadly quiet for jokes these days.... so an oldie....

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a bagpiper,' said the old fellow: 'and ... that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out practicing my pipes. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?'
'He is 100 years old and a piper too,' said the old Scot. 'In fact he practiced wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the nude beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why I know he is still alive.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old and a piper as well,' said the old Scot.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he practiced with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae play this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old piper want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'

[snuffbox]

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having
an affair with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and
didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched
the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had
his way with her.

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't
expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched
on the light.

"No ma'am", said the Gardener.

[morris_minor]

How's this for a piss take on internet forums? (It's on a photography site, but could just as easily be on a hi-fi site).

http://www.lensrentals.com/blog/2012/03/hammerforum-com

It is SO true

[bobbasrah]

How's this for a piss take on internet forums? (It's on a photography site, but could just as easily be on a hi-fi site).

http://www.lensrentals.com/blog/2012/03/hammerforum-com

It is SO true

Brilliant, simply brilliant. Almost collapsed in a heap when I got to the post "And the wooden hammer? Where’s the wooden hammer for the nostalgic weirdos?"
Superb stuff.... Made my day....

[bobbasrah]

Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.

Billy bravely walks up to him and says,"Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.... Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy."

Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds so that's about 52 pounds a month so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed, as obviously Billy has put so much thought into this, and says "Well Billy, it seems like you have everything worked out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far....."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable