Jokes & Funnies

[Jonboy]

Donkey for sale

=================

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I
have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

[Themis]

SHE: If I died, would you get married again ?
HE: Of course not !!!

SHE: No ? But why ? You don't like being married ?
HE: Of course I do appreciate !

SHE: So why wouldn't get married again ?
HE: Ok, ok... I'll get married again, if it pleases you !...

SHE (sad): You would get married once more ?
HE (annoyed): Well,... yes ?

SHE: And you would sleep together in our bedroom ?
HE: Where could we sleep, anyway ?

SHE: And you would replace my photos by her photos ?
HE: Well... yes... I guess...

SHE And she would drive my car ?
HE: No, she has no driving licence...

SHE: ......
HE: Oh DAMMIT !!!

[WAD62]

from the BBC Edinburgh Festival site...

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

[The Grand Wazoo]

Sorry about the tiny size:

[Alex_UK]

**WARNING**

There is an E-Mail going around saying it contains 2 Arsenal tickets

Do not open it

I Repeat do not open it ...............it really does contain 2 Arsenal tickets.

[Stratmangler]

**WARNING**

There is an E-Mail going around saying it contains 2 Arsenal tickets

Do not open it

I Repeat do not open it ...............it really does contain 2 Arsenal tickets.

[Alex_UK]

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[DaveK]

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Not surprising you failed really , you only gave half an answer - you should have added on the end, " .... in the opposite direction."
Dave.

[The Grand Wazoo]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks. In the dressing room, a maid could be seen hanging up their favourite clothes.

They gasped in astonishment when St Peter said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'And how much does a round there cost then?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable food laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like, of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Only if you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f****** Bran Flakes.. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[Reid Malenfant]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristians home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'