Jokes & Funnies

[Rare Bird]

Your on form you guys

[jantheman]

I bumped into a cross eyed bloke the other day and he said, "You need to watch where you're going."I said "Fuck off mate! You need to go where you're watching."

[Beechwoods]

[The Grand Wazoo]

The Dragon's Den one was so funny it made me cry!

[Beechwoods]

It was rather good wasn't it! The Jamie Oliver thing was off Cassetteboy's first album, 'The Parker Tapes' which is well worth getting. A work of genius and patience. Their later stuff hasn't been so clever; they've had to up their work rate and it's showed a bit, but they still have their moments...

[Alex_UK]

I can't stop crying at these, the last one is my favourite - not sure they're all genuine but still laughed myself stupid!

[Beechwoods]

Love it... I'm always 'licking' stuff on my phone too... and posting on here I have to be even more careful with bloody auto-correct!

[Techno Commander]

Glasgow Boys join Ferrari.

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[electric beach]

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in
steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."

A third glass.
''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of her urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll let everyone know that you're the father!"

[electric beach]

Tor
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"