Jokes & Funnies

[JazzBones]

A valentine day card sent from South Africa?

Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Don't fuckin' surprise
Oscar Pistorius

[Techno Commander]

[bobbasrah]

http://www.mez.co.uk/lucas.html

[RichB]

Last night I had an awful nightmare where everybody spoke in REM lyrics... but that was just a dream, just a dream.

[DanJennings]

Last night I had an awful nightmare where everybody spoke in REM lyrics... but that was just a dream, just a dream.

That's my new favourite joke.

[Alex_UK]

Don't forget to remind your partners - it's tomorrow!

Steak & Blowjob Day

[The Grand Wazoo]

As someone who works in the forestry industry, I'd like to pass on this vital message to those who are succumbing to the lure of gadgetry

[bobbasrah]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[Effem]

Paddy and Mick heard on the local news that the Antiques Roadshow was coming to town, so Paddy asked Mick what it was all about. Mick said "Have a look up your attic Paddy to see if you have anything old up there and the experts will tell you what it is and what it's worth".

Paddy went up into the loft and found an old object, so he took it along for the experts to tell him what it is and what it's worth.

The expert had a long hard look at the object and asked Paddy where he got it from and Paddy said "From the loft sir", so the expert said "How long have you had it?" and Paddy replied "It's been in the house a long time sir, before my time in fact".

The expert said "I can say with some degree of certainty Paddy, what you have here is a water tank".

[Audio Al]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?