Jokes & Funnies

[walpurgis]

My Thai girlfriend says that having a small penis shouldn't be a problem for our sex life. She may be right, but I'd still be happier if she didn't have one!

[RobbieGong]

Bloke goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, one of my nuts is bigger than the other' Doc says ' Ok sir, let me take a look' bloke takes his pants down and flops a gigantic gonad out on the table, Doc says ' my gosh, that is big !' bloke sighs and says 'wait til you see the other one !'

[bobbasrah]

A real golden oldie.....

Some years ago, in a small community on Ireland's west coast, Paddy married a young woman half his age by the name of Maggie.
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex.
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.

However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from down in Cork to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "Anddat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

[julesd68]

My favourite old joke -

Beautiful woman walks into a music shop and says to the assistant -

"I'm looking for a Grand Piano!"

The assistant says -

"Sorry Madam, we are out of Grand Pianos, but I can show you an upright organ!"

[Bluedroog]

An Eskimo’s snowmobile breaks down while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in an hour. When he comes back, the mechanic say "It looks like you have blown a seal" The Eskimo says ‘No, it’s just frost on my moustache’.

[Barry]

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[Alex_UK]

Brilliant Barry, brilliant!

[Jonboy]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[snuffbox]

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70s, walk into a sex therapist's office.
*
*
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
*
*
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
*
*
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
*
*
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
*
*
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
*
*
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.
*
*
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
*
*
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
*
*
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50 and I get £43 back from BUPA.'
*

[magiccarpetride]

As the thread title says!

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks: "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks: "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge? "Oy vey, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks. "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers: "They'll find us!"