Jokes & Funnies

[Krisbee]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legsgot wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The arsehole is usually in charge

[Barry]

That's for both Alex's and Chris's jokes.

Regards

[Alex_UK]

'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

A Boston girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

[Marco]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered hers in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says:

'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!



Marco.

[Alex_UK]

The Nigerian Goalkeeper says he will refund travel and ticket costs to all those who went to South Africa for the World Cup.

All he needs is your bank details and your mother's maiden name.

[Jonboy]

The American: businesslike, unwilling to be distracted.

The Canadian: self-absorbed and disconnected from reality.



The Italian and the French: "LOOK AT THAT ASS!"

[Techno Commander]

# Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and apply gentle pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

# Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

# Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

# Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

# Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

# Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

# Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

# Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

# Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

# Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

# Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

# Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to miss cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

# Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

# Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

# Call RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[Mike]

Andy, I always find that funny. Thanks for the reminder.

Here's a version with pictures:

http://theartofsound.net/forum/showt...=give+cat+pill

[Techno Commander]

I know, I had tears running down my face reading it.

Definitely a case of been there done that and lost.

[Techno Commander]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After €255,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

However, the Irish government was still unsatisfied with these findings and conducted their own study. After 4 days and a cost of around £37.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.