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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #361
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Wrexham, North Wales, UK

    Posts: 90,065
    I'm AudioAl'sArbiterForPISHANTO.

    Default

    Indeed... You just wait for the (solidified) crust to give way, and then they fall off themselves!

    Marco.
    Proud anti-establishment/elite 'heretic', motivated to expose widespread Establishment bias, cover-ups and mind-control!

  2. #362
    Join Date: Apr 2009

    Location: Pendle Witch Country

    Posts: 691
    I'm Ralph.

    Default Dementia Test

    DEMENTIA QUIZ



    FIRST QUESTION:

    YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
    THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?





    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








    ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
    THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
    SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

    TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
    NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
    BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
    YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?





    SECOND QUESTION:
    IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
    (SCROLL DOWN)




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~











    ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
    WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


    YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


    THIRD QUESTION:
    VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
    THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
    DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
    TRY IT.



    TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
    ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
    NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


    SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








    DID YOU GET 5000?

    THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...



    IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
    TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

    MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE...



    FOURTH QUESTION:

    MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

    1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
    2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?







    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







    DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
    HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!







    OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
    I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
    REDEEM YOURSELF:





    A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
    BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
    SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
    NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
    PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?





    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






    IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE





    HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...


  3. #363
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 21,060
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Marco View Post
    Indeed... You just wait for the (solidified) crust to give way, and then they fall off themselves!

    Marco.
    Good to see that the 'smut quotient' here on AoS has not diminished under the new ownership!

    Regards
    Barry

  4. #364
    Alex_UK's Avatar
    Alex_UK is offline Spotify + Facebook Moderator / Chilled-Out Wino and only here for the shilling
    Join Date: Aug 2009

    Location: Sunny Suffolk, UK

    Posts: 14,230
    I'm WrappingALilacCurtainAroundMyBobby.

    Default Always wear clean underwear in public

    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

    The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
    Amplifier: Rega Brio R. Speakers: Spendor SP1. Cables: Various, mainly Mark Grant.
    Please see "about me" for the rest of my cr@p! Gallery


    A.o.S. on Facebook - A.o.S. on Spotify - A.o.S. on Twitter

    There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing and be nothing Aristotle

  5. #365
    Alex_UK's Avatar
    Alex_UK is offline Spotify + Facebook Moderator / Chilled-Out Wino and only here for the shilling
    Join Date: Aug 2009

    Location: Sunny Suffolk, UK

    Posts: 14,230
    I'm WrappingALilacCurtainAroundMyBobby.

    Default

    Thanks to Popbitch for this one:

    A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse.

    Doctors described his condition as stable.
    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
    Amplifier: Rega Brio R. Speakers: Spendor SP1. Cables: Various, mainly Mark Grant.
    Please see "about me" for the rest of my cr@p! Gallery


    A.o.S. on Facebook - A.o.S. on Spotify - A.o.S. on Twitter

    There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing and be nothing Aristotle

  6. #366
    Join Date: Dec 2008

    Location: Yorks

    Posts: 16,649
    I'm Nobody.

    Default

    Tip of the day..Never confuse laxatives with Viagra. It makes you crap in bed


  7. #367
    Join Date: Dec 2008

    Location: Yorks

    Posts: 16,649
    I'm Nobody.

    Default

    My wife has thrown me out, because she's fed up with me masturbating in bed every night. She said it was getting on her tits


  8. #368
    Join Date: Dec 2008

    Location: Yorks

    Posts: 16,649
    I'm Nobody.

    Default

    Pensioners bus outting to skegness...Old tom is walking up the aisle when the bus jolts, he lands on an old ladies lap & his elbow pokes her breast. I'm sorry says tom but if your heart is as soft as your breast i'll see you in heaven. Old lady replies if your cock is as hard as your elbow i'll see you in skegness



  9. #369
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Wrexham, North Wales, UK

    Posts: 90,065
    I'm AudioAl'sArbiterForPISHANTO.

    Default

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..... The last one was f*cking hilarious!!!

    Marco.
    Proud anti-establishment/elite 'heretic', motivated to expose widespread Establishment bias, cover-ups and mind-control!

  10. #370
    Join Date: Dec 2008

    Location: Yorks

    Posts: 16,649
    I'm Nobody.

    Default



    A professor has found after extensive research there are two sizes of penis amongst UK men. There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches while erect. The professor has appealed for help to continue his research...Could all men in the UK with extremly small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars?


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