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Just got these in an email entitled "Computer Upgrades 2009" from someone who works in the health care industry---just a little exegetic detail that adds poignancy to one or two.
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Oh, Jonboy, re-up the kneeling jump photo? The suspense is terrible :)
Why men shouldn't write advice columns
How to tell when a banana has gone bad . . . .
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Why do scuba divers enter the sea falling backwards?
Cos if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat!
Groan! Stop pinching jokes off Dylan! ;)
Wal Mart Diagnosis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant; twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already. :lol:
:D
Two women talking. Do you look at your husband when you make love? I did once & saw anger in his eyes. Why anger? Because he was watching from the window.
Two Friends Meet in Heaven
Paula: "Hello there Jane, what on earth are you doing here?"
Jane: "Hi Paula, I suppose God just thought it was my time. How did you die?"
Paula: "I froze to death."
Jane: "Oh, how horrible!"
Paula: "It wasn't so bad. After I finished shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
Jane: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that Jim was playing away, so I went home early from shopping to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the living room, drinking beer and watching the football."
Paula: "So, what happened?"
Jane: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up the stairs, I checked the bedrooms, and then ran down into the cellar. Then I went through every cupboard and ran back upstairs to check under all the beds. I climbed into the loft and searched through all the boxes we keep up there. I ran down to the garage then checked the garden shed & I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
Paula: "Jim always told me you were stupid - You should've checked the freezer you silly cow. If you'd done that, we'd both still be alive."
A burglar breaks into a house one night. He shines his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says, "Both God and Jesus know you're here."
He nearly jumps out of his skin, clicks his torch off, and freezes.
There's not a sound, so after a few seconds, he shakes his head and continues.
As he starts disconnecting the wires on the back of the hi-fi, clear as a bell he hears:
"Did you hear me? Both God and Jesus are watching you."
Now, he's getting really freaked out, so he shines his light around frantically, looking for where the voice is coming from.
Finally, in the corner of the room, the beam of the torch comes to rest on a cage. Inside the cage is a parrot.
In a shaky voice, he says to the parrot: "Did you say that?"
"Yep", the parrot confesses. Then it squawks, "I'm just trying to warn you that they're watching you."
The burglar relaxes a little. "You were trying to warn me, eh? Who in the hell are you to lecture me about religion?"
"Well, seeing as you ask, my name is Moses." replies the bird.
"Moses?…………..Moses? Hahahaha!!" the burglar laughs. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a pair of Rottweilers Jesus and God"
An extraordinarily handsome and wealthy man decided he had a responsibility to mankind to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
After years of searching, he met a man who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission and asked for permission to marry one of them and promised that in exchange there would be a huge sum of money.
The father simply replied:
'Well I'm not a rich man & could always do with a bit of extra cash. They're all hoping to get married and the only way they see out of our poor life of poverty is to find a rich husband, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'
The man took the first daughter to a restaurant that evening and the next day the father asked for his opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit …….so as you'd hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The father nodded and suggested the man go out with one of the other girls so that evening, the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the father again asked how things went.
'Well,' the man replied, 'she's just a weeee bit …….so as you'd hardly notice...cross-eyed.'
The father nodded and suggested the third girl to see if things might be better. So that's what he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming:
'She's perfect, just perfect, she's the one I want to marry.'
So he paid the father a cheque for a million pounds and they were married the next week on a special licence.
Months later there was a happy event and a baby was born. When the man visited maternity ward he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and demanded his money back because he couldn't understand how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of both the parents.
'Wee…eell,' explained the father: …... 'She was just a weeeee bit…….so as you'd hardly notice…..pregnant when you met her.'
I don't know if you guys have seen Bevis and Butthead but this picture says it all.
This girl could be his twin sister,if he wasen't a cartoon.
The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should behere soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . . ."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith interrupted.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, ummm.. equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam ? Madam?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted !!!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Happy & Sad
A husband & wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife & said...''Babe, tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time''.
She said... ''You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates''.
:lol:
I drove into the back of someone this morning. Got out to the assess the damage as did the guy i drove into. Couldn't believe it when he got out, he was a dwarf! He said ''I'm not fuk**g Happy!''. I said, ''So which one are you then?!''
:lol:
Dimitri,
That's great! - I could do with one of those every now & again.
I understand there's a similar phenomenon to be witnessed when Marco bends over to pick up a heavy item from the floor!
Paddy in bed with his wife. Her mobile rings at 3am. Paddy answers it then angrily replies ''Why don't you f**k off & ring the weather office?'' He says it was ''Some c**t askin if the coast was clear.''
:lolsign:
Sorry if i've offended some with my jokes as i know there's plenty of ''switch the light off before i take my pants off in the bedroom at nights guys'' ;)
Top stuff Andre keep em coming
No worries, mate, we're rather "put the beam light on spot, baby" guys ! :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre
Bloke proposes to girlfriend but tells her he has a deformity, my penis is baby-size. His girlfriend tells him i will marry u & learn to live with ur baby-size penis. They marry and on the honeymoon they start touching each other. She slides her hand in his pants, screams & runs. He runs after her totally embarrassed! U told me ur penis was baby-size she says. It is, he explains, it's 8lb 7oz & 18inches long!
:eek:
The expert nimrod,
A new member walked in to the hunting lodge and asked for a drink then declared he had lost his wallet.
The other members where concerned how he would pay his tab.
The man replyed by winning a bet, Blind fold me and bring me your pelts and I'll tell you what it is and what it was killed with.
They doubble blind folded him then brought him the first pelt.
" a black bear, he ran his fingers over the hole and said killed by a 30-06 Winchester silver tip 180 grain bullet.
The other hunters marveled at his skill as he was dead on.
Next pelt, This is a mule dear killed by an arrow, with a tribladed head from 30 yards out.
agein he was right on the money.
After 16 animals he earned 16 shots and prooved his skill while getting pretty drunk.
The next day he came back with his girl freind and a black eye.
She asked them not to give him any drinks agein.
The guys all asked why.
She said, " he came home all drunk and put his hand down my panties,and yelled SKUNK, WITH A HATCHET!!!
A binman knocks on a chinese take-away door. A chi*ky answer's ''harro, wot u wan''. The binman ask's ''where's ya bin''. ''I bin on loo'' say's the chi*k. ''No mate, where's ya dustbin'', '' I dust bin on loo'' say's the chi*k. ''No, no mate, where's ur wheelie bin''. ''Hokay. I wheelie bin hanin a wank''.
:lol:
Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory, the manager ask's ''have you worked with chemicals before''? Yes Paddy replied. The manager then ask's ''can you tell me what nitrate is''Paddy replies ''yes it's time and a half''.
:lolsign:
2 gays Rupert + Cecil are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing vaseline in his chest. Cecil said ''what are you doing''? Rupert said ''i read in a gay mag that vaseline stimulates hair growth, i want an hairy chest''. Cecil said ''don't be so fu**ing stupid, if that was true i'd have a ponytail sticking out of my arse''.
:lol:
An Irish woman was admitted to Hospital after having Phone Sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas & a Samsung. No Siemen was found
:eek:
:lolsign:
Andre you are so "wrong" on every count, but I did smirk... ;)
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in Intensive Care! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead... Show me what you bought."
Legitimate companies, who (perhaps?) didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear!
These are not made up.
Check them out yourself!
1. 'Who Represents'is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com <http://www.whorepresents.com/>
2. 'Experts Exchange'is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange..com <http://www.expertsexchange.com/>
3. Looking for a great pen? Look
no further than' Pen Island '.
It can be found at:
www.penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net/>
4. Need a therapist? Try
'Therapist Finder' at:
www.therapistfinder.com <http://www.therapistfinder.com/>
5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/>
6.'IP computer'software, there's always:
www.ipanywhere.com <http://www.ipanywhere.com/>
7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art'
await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com <http://www.speedofart.com/>
This sexy bird looked at my beer belly & said ''Is that Carlsberg or Tetleys''?
I said ''There's a tap underneith love if you wana taste it''!
:rolleyes:
WOMENS LONELY HEARTS AD:
What they really mean:
ADVENTUROUS= Slut
Athletic= No tits
30= 45
FUN= Annoying
WILD= Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES= Face like a robber's dog
SEEKING KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR= Ex husbands a ferkin nutter
NEW AGE= Hairy with smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG= Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING= Alcoholic
CURVY= Fat C*unt
CUDDLY= Fat C*nt
LIKE EATING OUT= Greedy fat C*nt
LIKES NIGHTS IN= Lazy fat C*nt
:lolsign:
Do not press the button LINK
The Unforseen Consequences of Deforestation.............
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Good one! Was it posed, or is it a skillful application of digital composition?Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grand Wazoo
I don't have a clue, I'm afraid, Barry. However, I'd find it pretty incredible if they were posed. Knowing our dog.........Quote:
Originally Posted by barry.d.hunt
Spotted this on another forum.
Three guys are stuck on a desert island. Soon they start being bored.
- "We could play some golf, and spend some time having fun", says the first one. "I have two balls, I could cut myself one, so that we have a ball".
- "Nice idea", says the second. "I have a long member, we could use that as a stick !".
Then they both look at the third. After a couple of seconds, he says:
- "No, I won't play".
:lol:
Lord - I laughed so much I nearly fell off my chair! And that only happens when I read some of the more 'smutty' jokes posted here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stratmangler
Thanks
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow (allegedly!)
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!!
A little old lady goes into a car spares shop and spends ages wandering up and down all of the aisles in the shop, looking carefully at all the goods on sale. She begins to look confused, so the manager sends one of his staff over to ask if he can be of assistance.
"Good morning madam. Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"Yes, some help would be very welcome, young man. I can't seem to find what I'm looking for - I need a new seven hundred and ten, my old one seems to have gone missing"
"A seven hundred & ten, madam?"
"Yes, that's right. My old seven hundred and ten must have fallen off, so I need a new one - but you don't seem to have any. When will you be getting your next delivery of seven hundred and tens?"
"I'm not sure I know exactly what it is you're looking for. Perhaps you could describe it for me. Where exactly is it in your car?"
"I told you, young man, it fell off, it's not in my car anymore. It was inside - it's a seven hundred and ten. It was under the thing, you know, and on top of the big bit............right in the middle.....on top. It's a seven hundred and ten"
"I'm sorry madam, I still don't really know what it is you need can you explain a little more please?"
"I'm getting rather impatient with you - I'm 74 years old you know, and you're just being rude"
"I'm sorry madam, but without knowing exactly what it is you need, I can't help you. Can you give me a description of what it looks like?
"I told you, I need a seven hundred and ten, my old one has fallen off. What more do you need to know?"
"I'm sorry madam, but I need to know a little more before I can help you properly - why don't you come with me to the counter & maybe you could draw the part for me"
"Well, all right, but I don't see why you can't just tell me where you keep the seven hundred and tens"
So they go up to the counter and the assistant hands the little old lady a pen and a piece of paper.
"There you go madam, now if you draw the thing you're looking for, I'm sure we can help you right away"
So the little old lady drew a picture.........................
...........and this is what she drew...........................
http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/8...lfillercap.jpg
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me "The Prime Minister."
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
"Government."
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you "The People."
The nanny, we will consider her "The Working Class."
And your baby brother, we will call him "The Future."
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
:cool:
A taliban deserter is dying from lack of water in the desert when he comes across a market stall selling ties, the taliban says ''have you got any water?'' No said the stall holder, but would you like to buy a tie for a tenner? ''f*ck off'' said the taliban i need water..i should kill you but i need to drink first. The stall holder said i will rise above your bad behaviour & tell you where you can find water..''if you walk for 2 miles towards the sun you will find a restraunt where they serve ice cold water free of charge''.
Off the taliban goes, after 5 hours he comes back nearly dead & says to the stall holder ''You C*nt your brother wont let me in without a tie
:lolsign:
Lol, nice one!Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre