Jokes & Funnies

What do you call a Scottish Muslim with a drug problem???

















Amaff Maheed.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

Just having a vote on whether Picasso was the best portrait painter of all time.
So, eyes to the right and nose to the left .

Horse walks into a bar on Easter Island. Barman says 'why the short face?'

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear.
"What's this for?" He asked.
"A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow one first and then ask you."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mr Ed

Heather Mills has bought a plane with her divorce settlement, but plans to carry on using Immac on her other leg...

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Sick but very funny

David :lol::lol:

Johnny went to school one day wearing beautiful gold watch on his wrist. His friends were green with envy when they saw the watch and one of them asked where he got it from.

"Well" said Johnny "it was like this. I was in bed the other night and I heard lots of noises coming from mummy and daddy's room so I went in and mummy and daddy were bouncing up and down on the bed and my dad gave me this watch to go away"

His friend thought that this was a good wheeze. So he waited a few nights until he heard the springs going in his mother abd father's room and he burst into the room. His father was on top of his mother and looked up angrily from the bed as he came in and said "What in the bloody hell do you want", to which his son replied without hesitation "a watch". "Ok" said his father, "Come in and shut the door"

David :lol::lol:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Straff

Just having a vote on whether Picasso was the best portrait painter of all time.
So, eyes to the right and nose to the left .

Horse walks into a bar on Easter Island. Barman says 'why the short face?'

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear.
"What's this for?" He asked.
"A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow one first and then ask you."

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I like that

David:lol::lol:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Marco

Yes, Super Muppet, we need a new rant. So get to it!

Did you get the message from Rob about the new room with mod facilities we're going to give you? :eyebrows:

Meanwhile, here's a little joke-ette:

Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her. The landlord says:

"Oi mate you can't do that in here!".

The Rev replies: "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps".

The landlord replies: "Well if you're that far in you may as well finish!"

Marco.

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Hi Marco

That'll cost you a couple of "Hail Mary's" on Sunday :lol::lol:

But it was very good! ;)

David

Quote:

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Originally Posted by snapper

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

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Good one :lol:

This has been posted on HFS - very funny indeed :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY-Ne...=youtube_gdata

Quote:

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Originally Posted by keiths

This has been posted on HFS - very funny indeed :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY-Ne...=youtube_gdata

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LOL :lol: Well whatever might have been said about HFS, at least they are aware of their perception and can come up with this self-deprecating video. :eyebrows: