http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RcpSGB3odyU
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I was chatting to my wife's parents, and I told them I thought they they were like condoms.
"Ah," replied my father-in-law, with a sly wink, "I know this one - it's because we will protect you when things get hard, isn't it?"
"No," I replied, "it's because you are stuck up c#nts."
Arf! :lol:
Marco.
Where else but Wales can you get a fuck, a nice warm coat AND a casserole all from the same date.
That's a classic, I'm sure there was an audio recording of this one floating about at one point.Quote:
Originally Posted by Primalsea
Do you ever worry about the NHS?
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS
Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
Be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.
This isn't a joke, but I found it quite funny. It's a spam email I got today. I thought I'd share it before it hit the trash... it even included a free picture, which I share here for your delectation ;)
---
Hello my new friend.
It is my first letter on English. Sorry, if I made some mistake in words.
But I write you from my hand and don't use pre-written letters.
My name Ekaterina. I live in Russia, in city Saint-Petersburg.
I am 26 years old. If you think, that I am not serious don't make mistake, and know me much more.
I gave promise, that I will never married on Russia boy.
All of them lie and don't hold his word.
Some man drink alcohol very much.
May be I will tell you more about my past relation later.
But i don't like think about it, it was no good.
My family are not large.
We live with my mother and sister.
My mother have good work as bookkeeper.
We can pay for all life expenses.
And I will not ask you help me with money.
I know many stories about it.
If you will write to me more, you will understand, that I am not such girl!
I am simple Russia girl, who want to live abroad.
I want have husband and right family.
I will try for this very much.
I have very serious intention.
My girlfriend find her husband on internet in last year.
She move to United Kingdom and they have happy family.
She write to me letter every week.
Don't want write about me and my hobby in first letter.
If I really interested you will ask me about all.
I want ask you some question:
Do you have children? What are you doing at work?
Did you have past relation, wife?
I hope, you can know some new things about me from this letter.
Please reply only to my personal e-mail: gentleloveme@gmail.com
I will wait your letter and hope to receive news from you shortly.
Bye!
Ekaterina, from Saint-Petersburg.
http://homepage.mac.com/beechwoods/AOS/Ekaterina.jpg
Ol Timer Sex
This is too funny to be dirty -
enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it
well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows
them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't
know..
After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back
on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret
is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse
me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence.'
A guy was driving around London when he saw a sign in front of a house,
'Talking Dog for Sale .'
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..
'You talk?' he asked.
'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running.'
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted
for the dog.
'Ten Pounds.' the man said.
'Ten Pounds ? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.' :lolsign:
Courtesy of my Brother in Law.
Regards D S D L----Neil :)
I don't know if this is founded from a germ of truth or not, and the telling of Mr Ford's prejudices do not reflect my opinions ............but.................
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first Automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...