Jokes & Funnies

[Primalsea]

Someone said get into vinyl but I think I made a horrible mistake. Oh and where do I stick the needle??

Someone also said I should grease my spindle and give it a polish too.

[Mike]

Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

"I 'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 and not driving it hard, is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you' ve got even half a scrotum it' s not going to happen."
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· "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it ' s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
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· About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
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· "... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
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· " America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker"
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· Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn' t pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
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· On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and its not "soot."
Hammond : "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"
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· "Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that long before anyone else realised that Jade Goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"
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· "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"
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· "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."
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· "The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
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· "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
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· "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler."
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· (Fed up during the caravanning trip) "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
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· "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"
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· On the Mercedes CLs55: "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
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· "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"
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· Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
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· "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off. What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ninny'."
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· " Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."
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· "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years."
"Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I mean the blokes a bit dodgy."

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?"
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· "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
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· On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."
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· "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."
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· "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, it's just...."
Hammond : "THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league."
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· "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was."
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· "The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
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· Assessing Hammond ' s crash:
Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
· Hammond : "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
· Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I ' m going to notice it!"
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· "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer."
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· "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time."
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· "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."
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· "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some blokes sweaty face."
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· "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."
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· "You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"
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· "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."
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· On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[Marco]

Brilliant, Mike!

Marco.

[shane]

Can't stand the man. So why do I find myself agreeing with him all the time?

[Filterlab]

All excellent. If we had politicians like him and Nick Ferrari the country would be an excellent place.

[Mike]

Bless em!

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/m.homar/femme.wmv

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/m.homar/femme2.wmv

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/m.homar/femme3.wmv

[Beechwoods]

All excellent. If we (had?) politicians like him and Nick Ferrari the country would be an excellent place.

This Nick Ferrari? : A friend of former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie, Ferrari joined him at L!VE TV where he devised such programmes as Topless Darts, the News Bunny and the weather presented by a dwarf on a trampoline (fr. Wikipedia)

Are you sure

[Filterlab]

LOL! That's him! You might want to listen to his show on LBC, he's rather good at common sense.

An excerpt from the passage on his 'proper' career:

In 1989, Ferrari was instrumental in setting up the Sky News channel, as the second person to be hired by Rupert Murdoch. Initially he was editor and then he was promoted to Vice President of News and Programming, of Fox TV in New York.

[Primalsea]

Answering Service

This is the transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

* If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
* If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
* If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[KJM]

It's been around a while but I just love thishttp://www.funtab.com/Videos/401-jap...ommercial.html

Kevin