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One of my members has just posted this on my forum too Chris :D
http://sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphoto...53915321_n.jpg
Always check for mirrors before doing your ebay photos... :lol:
Suggestion for a junk food product name: My Lidl Pony
Look at the bright side of this latest supermarket food crisis; now is the perfect time to give your daughter a packet of beefburgers and tell her "Here is the horse you have always wanted"
What a fabulous idea Frank, and no stabling and animal feed bills to worry about either... I'm a baaad man :lol:
A man walks into a burger bar and asks for a quarter pounder with cheese. The waitress asks "Will there be anything else with that order?" The man replies "Yes, put a fiver each way on it" :lol:
A Bottle Of Merlot.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:----
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: ----
Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.
Seeing as there's no burgers left on the shelves at Tesco,I've decided to try their meatballs instead.
Apparently they're the dogs bollocks...
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
My Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats.
f*ck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
Just bought the wife a sheepdog fur bra.
"Aww" she said,"Will it keep my tits warm?"
I said "No but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
A young man went up to his father and asked him,
"Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"
His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
My kids keep on taking the p*ss out of my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little f*ckers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire...
Went to the Doc's today
I said "do you treat alcoholics"
He said "Of course we do?"
I said "Great get your coat on, I'm f*cking skint..."
A woman goes to a tattoo shop and asks the guy to tattoo Christmas on one thigh and New year on the other.
The guy did it and took the money,but as she left he said "Do you mind if I ask why you wanted that ?"
She said "I'm sick of my husband moaning there's nothing to eat between Christmas and New year"
Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread.
The birds were all over me.
Some great ones there! :lol:
Thought I'd better check out the burgers in my freezer and...
They're off!
They won't be furlong!
Careful - they'll give you the trotts
Photo taken from outside one of the Romanian abattoirs mentioned in the recent meat supply investigations.
interesting choice of cheese on the lasagne I noticed - Maskapony :D
Here's a selection of jokes extracted from a leaving email at work. We've got quite a few people going at the moment, and some of them are turning the obligatory "goodbye" note into an art form!
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
I've just quit my job at the helium factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone.
My grandfather spent his whole life in the kebab trade, and was buried with all of his equipment. Probably turning in his grave. About a month before he died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
I farted in the hotel lift yesterday. That was wrong on so many levels.
Beware of Alphabet Grenades... if you throw them, it could spell disaster.
Black Beauty? Now there’s a dark horse!
I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets....and then it hit me.
And finally, don’t despair if you can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day and shoot all over his bird's face thinking she was someone else?
A valentine day card sent from South Africa?
Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Don't fuckin' surprise
Oscar Pistorius
Last night I had an awful nightmare where everybody spoke in REM lyrics... but that was just a dream, just a dream.
That's my new favourite joke. :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by RichB
Don't forget to remind your partners - it's tomorrow!
Steak & Blowjob Day
As someone who works in the forestry industry, I'd like to pass on this vital message to those who are succumbing to the lure of gadgetry
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
Paddy and Mick heard on the local news that the Antiques Roadshow was coming to town, so Paddy asked Mick what it was all about. Mick said "Have a look up your attic Paddy to see if you have anything old up there and the experts will tell you what it is and what it's worth".
Paddy went up into the loft and found an old object, so he took it along for the experts to tell him what it is and what it's worth.
The expert had a long hard look at the object and asked Paddy where he got it from and Paddy said "From the loft sir", so the expert said "How long have you had it?" and Paddy replied "It's been in the house a long time sir, before my time in fact".
The expert said "I can say with some degree of certainty Paddy, what you have here is a water tank".
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to
a 999 call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her
mummy so he could see while he helped deliver
the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while,
Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about
what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place....
smack his arse again!" :D
:lol:
Excellent :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by bobbasrah
Enjoy... :D
Very, very clever - though it does prove that some people have far too much time on their hands. (And not one to play in front of the wife and kids in view of the language!)
Brilliant!
Classic :lol:
!!
Man that is funny, not laughed like that in a while...'feed 'em to the pigs, Erol!' :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?". Asked the wife, enigmatically.
"No" I said.
She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a £20 note.
"Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?" she asked next.
"No" I said.
Again, a sexy smile, and she pulled a fifty from her knickers.
"Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" was the next question.
"No" I said, by this time very intrigued.
"Well go and look in the garage."
A Pirate Tale
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
Being romantic.
A wife, being a romantic sort, sent her husband a text...
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
He replied...
"I am taking a dump, what should I do ?"
A Bottle Of Merlot.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:----
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: ----
Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.
A small glimmer of hope in the gloom.
Viagra is now available in powder form for your cup of tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.
The Sniffer Dog
A man had just boarded a plane and settled into his seat next to the window when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and the dog was a sniffer dog.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off and once it had leveled out the Policeman said "watch this."
He told Sniffer to search.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Policeman' arm.
The Policeman said, "Good Boy" then turned to the man and said," that woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and my colleagues will apprehend her when we land."
"Wow, that's pretty good" said the first man.
Once again the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to it's seat and this time placed two paws on the Policeman's arm.
The Policeman said" two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of his seat number for my colleagues."
"I like it" said his seat companion.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to search again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment then came racing back to the Policeman, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well trained dog would behave like that so he asked the Policeman," what's going on ?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
Catholic hairdryer
In paroachial schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, religious instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was ok to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings.
Getting a hairdryer through customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour ?"
"Of course child, what may I do for you ?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hairdryer for her birthday.
It's unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me ? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?"
"I would love to help you dear but I must warn you, I will not lie."
She replied, "with your honest face father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare ?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?"
The priest replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father, next please"
Funeral
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a lifejacket. But as i told everyone. "Its what he would have wanted"!!
A few for Friday
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready, the flewurs, the church, the caurs, the recepshun, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be merrit in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white."
Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said,"It's probably caused by you being a fat bast*ard."
"How the f*ck can being fat cause a head cold?" She asked.
I said "Cos your heads never out of the f*cking fridge!!"
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who'd come off his motorbike,
So I frantically rushed over."Out of the way!" I shouted,as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed."No" I replied,"Thats my f*ckin pizza"
Free kittens
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in
front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he
should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her
discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her
basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got
out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative/Liberal Democrate supporters."
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me
they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
The best diet ever!
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
A 5 year old.
A 5 year old grand daughter is taken to school daily by her grand dad.
One day when he wasn't feeling very well his wife took her.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different.
"What made it different ?" asked her parents.
Well gran and I did not see a single....
Tosser, blind b*stard, dick head, f*****g bitch or fat c**t anywhere on the way to school today.
My wife left a note on the fridge..
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
What the heck was she talking about..........women !!
Women are so fickle,.....they say they want someone funny and spontaneous,....but when you're dressed as a clown at their bedroom window at 2.00am.... it's all 'screams' and 'police sirens'!!
GP tells his patient 'you've got a terminal illness'.
Patient says 'i demand a second opinion'.
GP says 'ok,you're ugly as well'.
A man walks into a butchers and says to the butcher,
'Excuse me, do you have a sheep's head?'
The butcher replies,
'No it's just the way I cut my hair'
Little Susan came home from primary school and said to her mummy, "jimmy showed me his willy today, it's just like a peanut"
Mummy said "you mean small and wrinkly?"
Little Susan replied " No..........salty "
Man takes a blow-up doll back to the shop, complains "I was just getting started and it went down on me"
Shopkeeper replies "If i'd known it did that I'd have charged double"
The wife was asking me how many women I had been with,I said "do we really need to do this as I know it may upset you",she says "I'm not worried about that so just tell me".
I said "ok ,here goes 1 2 3 4 5 6 you 8 9 10 !!"
I was right,she did get upset
Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.
My wife said switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she has ever had to do.
She's obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint..
A beautiful woman
A beautiful woman walks into a music shop and says to the assistant -
"I'm looking for a Grand Piano!"
The assistant says -
"Sorry Madam, we are out of Grand Pianos, but I can show you an upright organ!"
My wife had a near death experience on Sunday.
The silly cow thought she'd do the vacuuming while the footy was on.
I got pulled over by the police after they spotted me leaving the pub car park. The officer told me to get out the car and walk in a straight line. He said excuse me sir, you are staggering - I replied you're not so bad yourself.
:eek::lol:
http://www.lowestoftonline.com/commu...ch=59924;image
Saw this on the wam earlier.
Thought this was good,
Andy - SDDW
I was walking past the bank in the High Street the other day and there was a little old lady standing by the cashpoint machine. She looked confused and asked me if I could help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Do a Google image search for 'David Cameron side view' and see what comes up first.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_V6K4fnZSzx..._1542604_n.jpg
This one tickled me :)
My brother in law just sent me this.
By Pam Ayres of course
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (a husbands point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed, An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope; And her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And began to strip, Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week; Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer; And things then from bad to worse;she toppled of her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater!! Now if you knew our Mabel You'd see just why I spluttered,
I 'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered, She stood there nude and naked bent forward just a bit;
I went to hold her, sensual like a nd stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed,her teeth shot out; My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!! Well readers, I can tell no ore; Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.
Pure class... :lol::lol::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Gordon Steadman