More scandal at the BBC
Someone has reported seeing Rod Hull fisting a young bird !
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More scandal at the BBC
Someone has reported seeing Rod Hull fisting a young bird !
Quote:
Originally Posted by Techno Commander
LMFAO!
When I die,
I want to go like Grandad did, in my sleep.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!
From this weeks Mock The Week:
"I'd have five pounds on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man..."
Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat
My Thai girlfriend says having a small penis should not hinder our sex life.
She may be right,
but I'd be happier if she didn't have one!
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
What really happened, when Elton John and David Furnish, decided to have a baby.
They had their sperm mixed together, and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby was born, Elton and David, were waiting at the hospital.
They were ushered into a ward, where a dozen babies, were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely.
A nurse came over to both of them, and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!!!"
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fecked, you might as well gan fishing.
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready, the flewurs, the church, the caurs, the recepshun, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be merrit in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white."
Hahahaha fukkin' funny as fuck!!! :lol: :lol: :rfl: :rfl:
Marco.
I didnae git that...:scratch:Quote:
Originally Posted by snapper
Are you calling our esteemed leader stupid? :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rare Bird
Being from Hampshire, I wouldn't expect that you would! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Martinh
Seizeahaudamabobberyastoater... ;)
Marco.
Does that mean what I think it means?Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
"Size does matter and Bob got a new toaster?"Quote:
Originally Posted by Martinh
That's exactly what I thought he meant :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
Still, it's the best offer I've had all week, so I won't decline just yet :eyebrows:
:lolsign:
Yooroastershunvaegoatascoobywhitwurchunterinoanabo ot :D
Marco.
That's easy for you to say. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
Bon nuit tout le monde, as they say in leafy Hampshire.
& they say there aren't any aliens :lol:
Marco, you can shove a goat up your scooby if you like mate, just don't make it an adult or you'll be turtle heading in no time I reckon :ner:
Whidyexpekt.Thurrno'faeroonthayparts,urrthey.Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco
AyebuttharasumhalerntaweebitthrutharexframGreenock :D
FurrybootsinGreenockwizshefae?
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Seen on a birthday card:
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
10,000 volts shot up its bum,
And turned its wool to nylon
A few for Friday morning
Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said,"It's probably caused by you being a fat bast*ard."
"How the f*ck can being fat cause a head cold?" She asked.
I said "Cos your heads never out of the f*cking fridge!!"
Kylie Minogue,Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.
Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance,Robbie pulls aside her thong,and f*cks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Elton "Your turn".
Elton bursts into tears."What's up?"asks Robbie.
Elton sobs'"I'm too fat my head won't fit through the railings"
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who'd come off his motorbike,
So I frantically rushed over."Out of the way!" I shouted,as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed."No" I replied,"Thats my f*ckin pizza".
I was in the the post office today.
I asked the woman behind the counter, "Do you keep stationery?"
She replied "Only to begin with then I go like a f*cking rabbit."
F*cking hell,this 80's telly star scandal is getting worse.
turns out Morph was a Playdohphile.
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in
front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called
his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he
should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her
discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her
basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got
out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my
friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservative/Liberal Democrate supporters."
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me
they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f*cking starving."
A 5 year old grand daughter is taken to school daily by her grand dad.
One day when he wasn't feeling very well his wife took her.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different.
"What made it different ?" asked her parents.
Well gran and I did not see a single....
Tosser, blind b*stard, dick head, f*cking bitch or fat c*nt anywhere on the way to school today.
Gravestone of Russell J. Larsen - Logan, Utah.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
What do you call a Scottish Muslim with a drug problem???
Amaff Maheed.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Savior," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Just having a vote on whether Picasso was the best portrait painter of all time.
So, eyes to the right and nose to the left .
Horse walks into a bar on Easter Island. Barman says 'why the short face?'
I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear.
"What's this for?" He asked.
"A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow one first and then ask you."
Sick but very funnyQuote:
Originally Posted by Mr Ed
David :lol::lol:
Johnny went to school one day wearing beautiful gold watch on his wrist. His friends were green with envy when they saw the watch and one of them asked where he got it from.
"Well" said Johnny "it was like this. I was in bed the other night and I heard lots of noises coming from mummy and daddy's room so I went in and mummy and daddy were bouncing up and down on the bed and my dad gave me this watch to go away"
His friend thought that this was a good wheeze. So he waited a few nights until he heard the springs going in his mother abd father's room and he burst into the room. His father was on top of his mother and looked up angrily from the bed as he came in and said "What in the bloody hell do you want", to which his son replied without hesitation "a watch". "Ok" said his father, "Come in and shut the door"
David :lol::lol:
I like thatQuote:
Originally Posted by Straff
David:lol::lol:
Hi MarcoQuote:
Originally Posted by Marco
That'll cost you a couple of "Hail Mary's" on Sunday :lol::lol:
But it was very good! ;)
David
Quote:
Originally Posted by snapper
Good one :lol:
This has been posted on HFS - very funny indeed :lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EY-Ne...=youtube_gdata
LOL :lol: Well whatever might have been said about HFS, at least they are aware of their perception and can come up with this self-deprecating video. :eyebrows:Quote:
Originally Posted by keiths
And to think I called them a humourless bunch! I'll have to revise that in the style of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: mostly humourless :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Barry
Went to bed last night with a girl who had a plasticine fanny. Didn't actually manage to get my cock in but I think I made a good impression.
The Sniffer Dog
A man had just boarded a plane and settled into his seat next to the window when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and the dog was a sniffer dog.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off and once it had leveled out the Policeman said "watch this."
He told Sniffer to search.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Policeman' arm.
The Policeman said, "Good Boy" then turned to the man and said," that woman is possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and my colleagues will apprehend her when we land."
"Wow, that's pretty good" said the first man.
Once again the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to it's seat and this time placed two paws on the Policeman's arm.
The Policeman said" two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of his seat number for my colleagues."
"I like it" said his seat companion.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to search again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment then came racing back to the Policeman, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well trained dog would behave like that so he asked the Policeman," what's going on ?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
Catholic hairdryer
In paroachial schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, religious instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was ok to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings.
Getting a hairdryer through customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour ?"
"Of course child, what may I do for you ?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hairdryer for her birthday.
It's unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me ? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?"
"I would love to help you dear but I must warn you, I will not lie."
She replied, "with your honest face father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare ?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?"
The priest replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father, next please"
I was in my local branch of WH Smiths the other day and asked the assistant if they had they had that new self help book for men with small penises.
"I dont think we have it in yet" said the girl.
"Thats the one!" I replied.
Really funny. You can't beat a good Downfall parody. It's the greatest advance in humour since Les Dawson first got dresed up as a woman.Quote:
Originally Posted by keiths
Another vote from me - best thing I've seen on youtube ever - absolutely loved it - I look forward to more similar ones, hopefully.
Dave.
Viagra is now available in powder form for your cup of tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.
At this time of the year, when the drink driving checks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before I took a cab home.
Sure enough, on the way, there was a load of police officers parked in a lay-by, directing traffic into it so that they could perform checks but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before.
:rfl: