Mark your sicker than I am lolololololQuote:
Originally Posted by Reid Malenfant
BTW, I watched Tiesto live on sky HD music one night lat week. Absolutly superb:)
Natalie;)
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Mark your sicker than I am lolololololQuote:
Originally Posted by Reid Malenfant
BTW, I watched Tiesto live on sky HD music one night lat week. Absolutly superb:)
Natalie;)
If you change the word 'sister's' for 'brother's' I understand the record is 5 seconds ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by snuffbox
Dave
On Valentines Day you'ld think a women would want to be woken up with a card roses cup of tea and a serious session of cunnilingus?
But Oh No............not my mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:eek:
OMG! THAT IS SO SICK :lol::lol::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by snuffbox
Natalie;)
Paul, aren't you confusing Valentine's Day with Mothering Sunday?Quote:
Originally Posted by snuffbox
The way things are going, our jokes page is becoming as 'blue' as that of Hi Fi Wigwam! :eek:
I used to think the 'laddish' humour might be offensive to our female members, but it would seem AoS's resident Agony Aunt doesn't mind (too much)! :rolleyes:
At the Library today i learned that i could have my Penis enlarged. At that moment however i was kicked out for inappropriate use of the photocopier. :D
:lol::lol::lol:
I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw the missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age but eventually there see was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheek wink and said... "Get the trolley ere love, they're doing three cases of Stella for the price of two"
A guy, a sheep, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance!
Well, soon that sheep started looking better and better to the guy, and after all it had been a long time since he'd had any sex... so he leaned toward the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog though, became jealous and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the sheep. Every time he tried to approach the sheep, the dog would start growling again. So he resigned himself and they continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her but they slowly nursed her back to good health.
When she was feeling strong enough, they decided to introduce her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Unsurprisingly under the circumstances, the guy started feeling really horny again; but he was desperately worried about how the dog would react. So he came up with a cunning plan.
He leaned toward the girl and and whispered in her ear...
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“If you're up to it, would you fancy taking the dog for a walk?”:eyebrows:
__________________
Cheeky lolololololQuote:
Originally Posted by Barry
Natalie;)
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates….
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Edit/Delete Message
That is brilliant :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Natalie and Dom;)
It's taken two days, but I've finally worked out what upset my wife on Valentines day. I asked he what she'd like, and she said she'd like something black and lacy in a size 10. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.
I was sitting in the pub with SWMBO and I said "I love you". She said "Is that you or the beer talking ?" I replied "It's me,I'm talking to the beer".
:lolsign:
Wife is getting ready for a night out and standing looking at herself in front of the mirror...
She turns to her husband despondently as says: "My hair is a mess, my face is full or wrinkles and I'm fat. Pay me a compliment, darling, to cheer me up!"
The husband thinks for a minute and replies: "Well, sweetheart, there's fuck all wrong with your eyesight!!"
Marco.
:lol: Love it mate . I'm gonna try that one to the wife and after I pick myself up off the floor I'll get back to you . :eyebrows:
Brian.
Lol - let us know if she appreciates it or not! :eyebrows:
Marco.
A woman walks into Tiffany's.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it behind equally flawless bullet proof glass.
As she bends over to inspect its flawlessness and size more closely, much to her horror she unexpectedly slips out a small, but very loud, and very obvious fart.
Embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone noticed her indiscretion, and her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Sales Consultant, immediately behind her.
Good looking, suave, tall, cool as a cucumber, and displaying all the qualities one would expect of a Tiffany's consultant. He smiles revealing perfectly straight white teeth and says "Good morning ma'am, is there anything I can help you with".
Blushing slightly, and still hoping he didn't notice her little indiscretion, she asks the consultant "ummm, yes... I was just looking at that stunning bracelet and was wondering about the price?"
The consultant replies "Are you absolutely certain of that Madam? Because if you farted when you saw it, you'll completely shit yourself when you hear the price".
__________________
Bought my son an Ipad for his birthday and then an Ipod for my daughter for christmas. They both seemed rather chuffed so I bought the wife one of those new I-rons for Valentine's...Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex_UK
Didn't seem to have quite the same effect :confused:
I got a text today that read GANB.
I thought it was bang out of order.
Bloke in the supemarket reminded me of Michael Jackson.
He said "Don't forget about Michael Jackson"
:)
Newcastle Taxi Fare
One rainy night in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
" Walker Road " answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?”
"Well Pet, replied the driver, I canna help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
"Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Have yer got nowt smaller pet?"
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about
I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.............
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those w***ers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks.'
:lol::lol::lol:
Natalie
Someone reminded me of this one today:
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked... 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
Banned from Sainsbury's
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant???
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting theWinalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t really
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with the Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well andI was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it might be their laugh for the day. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Natalie ;)
Police have raided Kermit the Frog's lily pad today and found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy...
A spokesman said.,
"It was the worst case of Frogs Porn they have ever seen..!!!"
(.)(.)+£=( . )( . )
:lol: I thought the golf balls one was damn good to :D
5 old ones for Paddy's Day.....
1. Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father …”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
2. A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.
'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'
Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.
Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.
'Will he live?' inquired the boys.
Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'
'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.
'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.
3. Murphy had asked Casey for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.
'And can you support a family?' asked Casey.
'I think so,' replied Murphy.
'Well. There's six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.
4. Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.
The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.
However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.
'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'
5. 'Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Patrick.
'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Patrick.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.
His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it” . . . . . . and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
Whilst he was in the bath, the phone rang.
His wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They're not hanging Wright tonight!” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Guy takes his Rottweiler to the vets.
"he's got awfully crossed eyes, I'm worried his vision is impaired" said the guy
vet inspects and replies "I'm going to have to put him down"
"shit, are they that bad?"
"No, he's heavy"
(I like the crap ones :))
There are two sorts of scientist in the world. Those that extrapolate from incomplete data.
McVities have just brought out a new biscuit range, "CLITORIS-CREAMS".They guarantee...
...
"One lick & you'll wanna eat the Box"!
(The ginger ones are an acquired taste!)
:lol:
Q: What do gay horses eat?
A: Heeeey!
================
Q: What's the difference between snow women and snow men?
A: Snow balls
================
This one is a little close to the mark, so really hope it dosen't offend but I'll try it anyway...
<Edit> Sorry Christian - a little too close to the mark on this occasion I think!
It was the wife's birthday recently and she said to get her anything from The Body Shop'
So I got her a nearside front wing for a 1982 Fiesta.
The EU have a new ruling that all singers have to have the type of music they sing as a middle name.
Lucianno Pavarotti becomes Lucianno " Opera" Pavarotti.
Dolly Parton becomes Dolly " Country" Parton.
Soul singer R Kelly decided to call it a day and retire.
Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight c--t with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
My mum's just had a right rant at me, calling me disgusting and threatening to throw me out after finding spunk on my sister Laura's duvet.
I don't know why she's blaming me though, Laura spat it there.
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Straff
:eek: dirty, dirty,..:ner:
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by snapper
There is a 'massage parlour' round the block from me - the sign on the door says 'Please use entrance at the rear'
That's been giving me a cheap laugh for several years now...
Les Barber ~ The Mark Of Mono
Enjoy... :D
Deadly quiet for jokes these days.... so an oldie....
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a bagpiper,' said the old fellow: 'and ... that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out practicing my pipes. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad died?'
The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?'
'He is 100 years old and a piper too,' said the old Scot. 'In fact he practiced wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the nude beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why I know he is still alive.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old and a piper as well,' said the old Scot.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he practiced with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae play this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old piper want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having
an affair with the Maid.
So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and
didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched
the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had
his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't
expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched
on the light.
"No ma'am", said the Gardener.
How's this for a piss take on internet forums? (It's on a photography site, but could just as easily be on a hi-fi site).
http://www.lensrentals.com/blog/2012/03/hammerforum-com
It is SO true :lol:
Brilliant, simply brilliant. Almost collapsed in a heap when I got to the post "And the wooden hammer? Where’s the wooden hammer for the nostalgic weirdos?" :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by morris_minor
Superb stuff.... Made my day....:cool:
Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says,"Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.... Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds so that's about 52 pounds a month so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed, as obviously Billy has put so much thought into this, and says "Well Billy, it seems like you have everything worked out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far....."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable