Jokes & Funnies

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. Bad decisions make good stories.

9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

10. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

11. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

12. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

13. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'.


http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w...atgig/work.jpg

:)

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2...%20Brother.jpg

:lolsign:

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says; "I love you."


She asks; "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies; "It's me ............. talking to the beer."

:lolsign:

Brilliant Alex!

How about this one then:

One afternoon, a very rich but exceedingly tight-arsed gent was out taking his new Rolls Royce out for a spin when he saw two men on the roadside verge eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his chauffeur to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked the first man: "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich man said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the rich man replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "Of course, you must come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, you don't realise that I also have a wife and sixteen children and grandchildren with me!"

"Well you must bring them too! Bring them all, as well," the rich man answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the huge, grand Roller.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied, "I'll hear none of it, I'm glad to do it. You'll really love my place............The grass is almost a foot high."

:lolsign:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Grand Wazoo

How about this one then:

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Love it! :D

You have heard and read the stories...dont eat or drink this and that, its bad for you. Dont partake in this activity, you'll kill yourself. So.........
After an intense scientific investigation costing millions, scientists have finally found one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to prolong your life. Birthdays.....seems the more you have the longer you live.....Mmmmmmm

Did you know that one in three Americans weighs as much as the other two put together.

Seeing as there seems to be a bit of a focus on hearing problems over the last few days, I thought this might be a good topical tale:


A old guy thought his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to broach the subject with her, he called their GP to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him about a simple informal test he could perform on his wife to give them both a better idea about her hearing loss and how bad it had got.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, with his wife in the kitchen cooking dinner, the old guy was in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "What's for dinner tonight then?"

No response.

So then he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and says, "So what culinary masterpiece are you creating for us tonight then love?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "So what are you cooking for us for dinner tonight then? - it smells great"

Again he gets no response.

So, he starts to get a bit worried as he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "What's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "What are we having tonight then?"

She turns round and bellows in his ear at the top of her voice:

"Frank.........for the FIFTH fucking time, you deaf old bastard, IT'S CHICKEN"

...which reminds me of this one...


Two deaf guys walk into a pub in Burnley.

One gives his mate a twenty pound note and says:

"You get the drinks in. I'll find us a seat."

So the guy goes to the bar and orders two pints of lager. The barman serves him and gives him two pounds change.

"What's this?" the deaf guy asks, looking at his change. "You charge nine pounds a pint in here these days?"

"Nah," the barman says. "We've got a live band in tonight. There's a £5 cover charge. You and your mate, that's a tenner."

"Live band?"

"Live band," the bartender confirms.

"What, rock and roll, Indie, hip-hop, grunge...?"

"Some Country and Western," the barman replies.

"Ri-ight..." the deaf guy says as he takes the drinks.

He rejoins his mate. Puts the drinks on the table.

"Where's me change?" the friend asks.

He gets handed the two quid.

"What? They charge nine quid a fuggin pint in here now do they? What's the crack?"

"They've got a band on. £5 cover charge."

"A band?"

"Oh yes."

"What? Rock n roll, Indie, hip hop, grunge?"

"Nah,"

"What then?"

"Some c*nt from Preston."

I saw this tonight http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quir...1#newscomments

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Bugger me, talk about Dyson with death.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said “I would like to come back as a cow”.
I said “You’re obviously not listening”.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

“Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was”.

As I'm not exactly the world's best linguist, I have to take on trust the assurance that these translations are accurate. Even if they're not, they're still funny as hell though!


http://www.fridayoffcuts.com/pix/all...onesborder.jpg

I can vouch for the accuracy of those translations. Gotta love the Hispanic sentido de humor :)

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/a.../thumbnail.jpg

I wanted to learn how to do the splits. So I went down to the gym and the bloke says 'Are you flexible?'

I said 'Well I can't do Tuesdays.'

I heard about this on the radio one day last week & I thought I should see if there was a YouTube clip of it - got it!

The TV presenter who told the Dalai Lama a joke about the Dalai Lama - oops!





On the radio programme I heard, there was a follow up gag to this one from a listener.

The pizza guy gives him his pizza (with everything).
He says: "That'll be eight quid then please mate"

The Dalai Lama gives him a tenner.
Pizza guy puts the money in the till and starts making more pizzas.

The Dalai Lama says: "You said the pizza was eight pounds"
Pizza guy says: "Yup, that's right"

Dalai Lama says: "........and I gave you a ten pound note!"
Pizza guy says: "Yup, that's right!"

Dalai Lama says: "So, I'd like my change now, please"
Pizza guy says: "Change must come from within"

Oh that is just fantastic!

Might as well get the political incorrectness out of the way
Two mothers comparing photos of their sons

First mother
'This is my Akhbar when he was fifteen. 2 years later he went to paradise in the Jihad'.



Second mother
'And this was my little Abdullah when he was sixteen.
Like your dear Akhbar he has gone to paradise for the cause'.

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First mother
'Ah, children today, they blow up so quickly'.



and two of the funniest movies on youtube (in my umble) if you haven't already seen them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iE...eature=related
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvDDDKnNhuE&NR=1

You would have thought Andy Murray would have won wimbeldon..His shirt sponsor was Viagra which should always help you get past the Semi's..

coat on..:ner:

Hope this one is ok

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. Paddy picks it up and says "I know that face, but I just cant put a name to it"

Murphy grab the mirror, takes a look and shouts "Ye daft bastard, its me!!!"

Well I thought it was funny!!!

Not sure if this is in unacceptable taste land - but it made me laugh, and is certainly more tasteful than some of the inevitable Amy Winehouse ones that have been going around.

Q: How does Stephen Hawking refresh himself at the end of a long day?
A: F5

Something overheard at the pub last night, perhaps not the most PC of jokes...

"What do we want?!"

"A cure for Turrets!!"

"When do we want it?!"

"C*nt!!!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by WAD62

Something overheard at the pub last night, perhaps not the most PC of jokes...

"What do we want?!"

"A cure for Turrets!!"

"When do we want it?!"

"C*nt!!!"

---

Love it!

:lolsign: Damn wrong to as they have breathing problems :eyebrows:

Ok...

The Body

When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be Boss
The Brain said that "I am the Boss for I control Everything".
The Feet said "we should be Boss, we carry him about & get him to the position he wants".
The Hands said "we should be Boss, we do all the work & earn the money".
And so it went on Heart, Lungs & Eyes.
Until finally, the Arsehole spoke up demanding to be Boss.
All other parts of the body laughed at the idea of the Arsehole being Boss.
The Arsehole was very angry indeed at this & decided to show who was Boss, so it went on strike - blocked itself up & refused to work.
Within a short time the Brain became feverish:
the Eyes crossed;
the Hands clenched;
the Feet twitched;
the Lungs & Heart were struggling, so they all pleaded with the Brain to let the Arsehole be Boss.

This motion was passed - all other parts of the body did the work while the Arsehole, as Boss, just sat & passed out loads of shit.



The moral of this is:
You do not need to be a brain to be the boss, just an arsehole.

They say the old ones ^ are the best :lol:
Dave.

Politically Correct:

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so we'll try this:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.







The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Donkey for sale

=================

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I
have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

SHE: If I died, would you get married again ?
HE: Of course not !!!

SHE: No ? But why ? You don't like being married ?
HE: Of course I do appreciate !

SHE: So why wouldn't get married again ?
HE: Ok, ok... I'll get married again, if it pleases you !...

SHE (sad): You would get married once more ?
HE (annoyed): Well,... yes ?

SHE: And you would sleep together in our bedroom ?
HE: Where could we sleep, anyway ?

SHE: And you would replace my photos by her photos ?
HE: Well... yes... I guess...

SHE And she would drive my car ?
HE: No, she has no driving licence...

SHE: ......
HE: Oh DAMMIT !!!

from the BBC Edinburgh Festival site...

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

Sorry about the tiny size:

http://www.boffer.co.uk/site/Z0101.jpg

**WARNING**

There is an E-Mail going around saying it contains 2 Arsenal tickets

Do not open it

I Repeat do not open it ...............it really does contain 2 Arsenal tickets.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Alex_UK

**WARNING**

There is an E-Mail going around saying it contains 2 Arsenal tickets

Do not open it

I Repeat do not open it ...............it really does contain 2 Arsenal tickets.

---

:D

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Alex_UK

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F**kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

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Not surprising you failed really ;) , you only gave half an answer - you should have added on the end, " .... in the opposite direction." :lol:
Dave.

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks. In the dressing room, a maid could be seen hanging up their favourite clothes.

They gasped in astonishment when St Peter said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'And how much does a round there cost then?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable food laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like, of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Only if you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f****** Bran Flakes.. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristians home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

Please don't do that Mark! :lol:

The passengers are all boarded, seated and buckled up when the pilot & his first officer walk onboard and say good afternoon to the passengers.

Something's odd though - they're both wearing dark glasses, the pilot has a guide dog on a lead and the first officer is tapping his way along the aisle with a white stick.

There's some nervous laughter among the passengers and one or two check the date on their watches to see whether it's April 1st. Now, at the door to the flight deck, the men open it & enter the cockpit.

The door closes, and the engines start with a whine and then a roar. The passengers begin looking nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. The stewardesses say nothing and give nothing away.

The plane begins to roll down the runway, moving faster and faster. The people in the window seats realise the plane is heading straight for the large hotel just beyond the airport boundary. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will go ploughing into the front lobby, panic breaks out & the sounds of the screams fill the cabin.

At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers begin to laugh a little sheepishly & relax a bit, and soon they start to do all the things that normal air passengers do - look at the magazines, fiddle about with personal stereos & phones, read their books & talk excitedly about the holiday resort they are all flying to, safe in the knowledge that the plane is safe in the hands of an excellent crew.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the blind pilot turns to the blind first officer and says, 'You know what Jim? One of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

My wife keeps complaining about me always using her toothbrush..Listen I told her I've tried everything else but its still the best way of getting dog crap off my trainers.

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit. Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

http://www.renaultforums.co.uk/showthread.php?t=121582

Ali, that's very funny!

Ed...........that is simultaneously the best and worst joke I've heard in a long time! It sounds like it could have come from Milton Jones.

I was talking to a nurse the other day & she said the biggest problem with the NHS is Holby City.
Actually, she may have said obesity, but she was eating a cake at the time.

I know you won't believe me, but I had an accident in a B&Q car park about 9 years ago when a chap in a Fiat Panda pulled out and hit my car - and yes - he had a 5 litre tin of paint on the passenger seat, which emptied itself in the passenger foot well and all over the dashboard after the impact. This really is true and annoyingly the car I had at the time was only 3 weeks old. It did rather take the gloss off my day.

Come to think of it, I once had to brake shockingly hard on the A1 in order to avoid an idiot who almost killed us both. I had a large (5 litre I suppose), unopened container of Fast Orange hand cleaner (orange coloured, orange smelling swarfega with gritty stuff in it) sitting on the front passenger seat. It hit the dashboard & just glooped to the footwell. I thought it was messy at the time, but it wasn't anything like that! The vehicle I was in was a ratty scruffy forestry 4x4, so it wasn't a disaster at all - just a minor, but fruity smelling setback.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Straff

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit. Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

---

No doubt he was undertaking research for his latest book: 'Market and Supermarket'.

Being from Ireland and having spent 16 years in England I find Irish jokes extremely tedious. I'm not offended by them, I'm just absolutely saturated by the subject.
About a week after I got off the plane at Heathrow.
No, we don't tell Irish jokes in Ireland. Or Kerryman jokes. It's a disciplinary to tell one in the workplace in the UK.

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies
"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

There's a fish and chip shop in Belfast called "For Cod and Ulster"

This one's true, a relative of the people concerned told it to me.
In a small town called Newtownabbey a couples wedding was coming up and the Bride's Father got increasingly agitated.
He broke down and said to his wife "They can't get married, He's my love child".
Her reply "Don't worry, She's not your daughter".

RC