Jokes & Funnies

[Jonboy]

Five Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked
him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.




Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[Reid Malenfant]

[keiths]

How the Greek Bailout works.....


It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village in his BMW, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner, he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs, in order to pick one room in which to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys, and as soon as the visitor has turned the stairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note, and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The head honcho at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything.

At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything - No one earned anything - However, the whole village is now out of debt, and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.....

[morris_minor]

[Roy S]

(Just heard this on 'this morning', it's only on in the background of course...)

The results are in at it would appear that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy

[morris_minor]

(Just heard this on 'this morning', it's only on in the background of course...)

The results are in at it would appear that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy

Hi, ho . . .

[bobbasrah]

Although the diversity of African tribes was known much earlier, it was only in the latter part of the 19th century that specifics of Kenyan tribes such as the Maasai and Fukawei warriors became better known and recorded.
On the move, the similar jumping style of running was an obvious similarity, but whereas the Maasai were tall and lithe, the Fukawei were comparative dwarves.
With the Maasai, the column of brightly coloured hunters carrying long spears and shields made for an impressive spectacle as they weaved through the short grasses and brush at speed, jumping and chanting to warn of their coming.
Their cousins were less impressive with the same technique in their native long grasses, rendered almost invisible except for the ends of spears and occasional bobbing heads, yet remained audibly intimidating, with group chants of “We're the Fukawei”

[Ali Tait]

[Alex_UK]

A wife comes home late and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. She sees four legs instead of two under the duvet. She reaches for a baseball bat and hits the blanket as hard as she can.

Then, with a sense of pride and satisfaction, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi darling," he says.
"Your parents have come to visit, so I let them stay in our bedroom."

[snuffbox]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment..

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q.. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka ...


* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China ...



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ....


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ....



* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ...



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1) Spending it at car boot sales.

or

2) Going to night clubs.

or

3) Spending it on prostitutes.

or

4) Buying beer or whiskey.

or

5) Get yourself a Tattoo

or

6) Visit a bookie.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )


Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
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