Jokes & Funnies

[Alex_UK]

2 WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.
He took me out for a very romantic dinner.
We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour.
We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful.


2 MEN - meet at the pub...

So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?

A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...!
The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything over.
I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish.
In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......total disaster.

[Macca]

I'm arranging a Benefit for people who have trouble achieving orgasm.

Please would you let me know if you can't come?

[The Grand Wazoo]

Evidence that the male of the species can sometimes benefit from having a little supervision from the female of the species.

[Welder]

Taken by women by any chance Chris?
Prolly in the family album somewhere, with "Mum was right, I've married an idiot" written underneath.

Got to love the guy in the swimming pool.
I must confess I've done the plaster whisk in a drilll food blender one.

[The Grand Wazoo]

I've got a hedge that needs cutting too..............

[Welder]

I've got a hedge that needs cutting too..............

Yes, also very good. '
But the guy in the pool I'm pretty sure is naked apart from the cap.
A good collection.

[Joe]

'Doctor, I think I'm going deaf'

'OK, what are the symptoms?'

'A cartoon family from America.'

[Welder]

A women sent her husband to buy the groceries with a list of items.

They lived a simple life and what the man was asked to buy didn’t vary much from day to day.

The wife, noticed that some days they had more money left after the husbands shopping than on others and asked her husband how this could be.
The husband told his wife he gives the shopkeeper the list along with his wallet and the shopkeeper gives him back his wallet and then the groceries.

The wife has a head fit and says at least she can count and weigh the groceries and she has a fool for a husband.

The wife takes over the shopping duties and sure enough the money they have left over each day is fairly constant.

When the shopkeeper sees the husband coming to the shop he knows he can take whatever he likes. When he sees the wife coming to the shop he puts his prices up.

Who would you send shopping?

[Alex_UK]

[Reid Malenfant]

he he he