Jokes & Funnies

[Wudge]

My wife asked me what Jesus' full name was.
I dropped a brick on her foot.
Turns out she did know after all.

I spent a night in the Boar's Head recently. Among the other customers was a rather confused and disappointed Rev. Spooner.

[Eagle owl]

I've just arrived home earlier than expected after being thrown out of a nightclub.

I was on the dancefloor and the DJ played The Twist. So I twisted.

Then he played The Locomotion. So I did the locomotion.

Then he played Jump. So I jumped.

Then he played Come On Eileen ...



Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Stewart Hall walk into pub.

Barman: 'not yewtree again'.




I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.



A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin answered: "I want to start out as a Marine Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson .. . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Kevin’s whore."


A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’

[Eagle owl]

Walking round a supermarket, a young woman caught sight of someone stacking boxes of washing powder on the shelves. She recognised him as the young man who'd chatted her up in the pub the night before, taken her home and had his wicked way with her.

She strode angrily up to him. "You bloody liar!" she yelled, "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"

"No I didn't," he said. "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team!"

[Techno Commander]

The inventor of predictive texting has sadly passed away.

His family have said that his funfair will be hello on sundial if any fiends wish to attend.

[icehockeyboy]

Fancied a pizza the other night, called Pizza Hut, and ordered a thin crusty supreme.

30 minutes later Diana Ross was at my front door.

[Wudge]

Well that's Xmas dinner sorted. Must make sure not to overcook. Wonder if they're free range.

[synsei]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

Woohoo, that'll be a 9 pointer then... OUCH???

[Techno Commander]

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

[Marco]

Well that's Xmas dinner sorted. Must make sure not to overcook. Wonder if they're free range.

Good gawd, that’s still rather much to pay for a ruffian!

Marco.

[struth]

A rather small, thin and weasely peasant at 600 grams