Jokes & Funnies

[gary]

Paddy buys a bath and takes it back next day complaining water keeps running out.

Manager says "Did you buy a plug ?"

Paddy says "You cunt you never said it was electric."

[Mike]

By shian7 at 2009-05-21

[Mike]

By shian7 at 2009-05-21

[The Grand Wazoo]

In the USA they used to say when a black man becomes President, pigs will fly.

Just 100 days after Obama's election.......and lo & behold!!

Pig's 'flu

[The Grand Wazoo]

Exercise for people over 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 0.5 kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.


Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 1 kg potato bags. Then try 5 kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 15 kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level & it's taken me years to get here.)



After you feel confident at that level, you can try putting a potato in each bag.

[REM]

So you're stood at the bar in a crowded pub. Suddenly you realise you've just got to fart. No problem, the music is really loud, so you time it to let it out on the beat. A couple of tunes later you're done, you finish your pint, then you notice everyone is looking at you...






then you remember you were listening to your iPod.......

[Covenant]

So you're stood at the bar in a crowded pub. Suddenly you realise you've just got to fart. No problem, the music is really loud, so you time it to let it out on the beat. A couple of tunes later you're done, you finish your pint, then you notice everyone is looking at you...






then you remember you were listening to your iPod.......

That reminds me of something I did many years ago. I was in a girlfriends house waiting for her to get ready, sitting with her mum and dad. They gave me the paper to read and I got absorbed in an article. Forgetting where I was I lifted a cheek and let blast. Instantly I remembered where I was and just stayed hidden behind the paper until the girlfriend was ready.

[Marco]

Hehehe... I've never understood why lifting a cheek was necessary, though... The 'pumpette' will out itself no matter what's in the way!

How long did that relationship last for then, Cov?

Marco.

[Covenant]

The reason we all lift a cheek is because its much more satisfying to let rip rather than sneak it out.
The relationship lasted a long time but I didnt see her parents for a good while.

[Mike Reed]

A man boards an aircraft with his six children, and as they were negotiating their way into the seats, a woman, who had been watching this procedure, leans over and asks the man

" Are those all your children?"

"No", retorted the man facetiously, " I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints".