Jokes & Funnies

[Rare Bird]

Paddy in bed with his wife. Her mobile rings at 3am. Paddy answers it then angrily replies ''Why don't you f**k off & ring the weather office?'' He says it was ''Some c**t askin if the coast was clear.''

[Rare Bird]

Sorry if i've offended some with my jokes as i know there's plenty of ''switch the light off before i take my pants off in the bedroom at nights guys''

[Jonboy]

Top stuff Andre keep em coming

[Themis]

Sorry if i've offended some with my jokes as i know there's plenty of ''switch the light off before i take my pants off in the bedroom at nights guys''

No worries, mate, we're rather "put the beam light on spot, baby" guys !

[Rare Bird]

Bloke proposes to girlfriend but tells her he has a deformity, my penis is baby-size. His girlfriend tells him i will marry u & learn to live with ur baby-size penis. They marry and on the honeymoon they start touching each other. She slides her hand in his pants, screams & runs. He runs after her totally embarrassed! U told me ur penis was baby-size she says. It is, he explains, it's 8lb 7oz & 18inches long!

[goraman]

The expert nimrod,

A new member walked in to the hunting lodge and asked for a drink then declared he had lost his wallet.
The other members where concerned how he would pay his tab.

The man replyed by winning a bet, Blind fold me and bring me your pelts and I'll tell you what it is and what it was killed with.

They doubble blind folded him then brought him the first pelt.
" a black bear, he ran his fingers over the hole and said killed by a 30-06 Winchester silver tip 180 grain bullet.

The other hunters marveled at his skill as he was dead on.

Next pelt, This is a mule dear killed by an arrow, with a tribladed head from 30 yards out.
agein he was right on the money.
After 16 animals he earned 16 shots and prooved his skill while getting pretty drunk.

The next day he came back with his girl freind and a black eye.

She asked them not to give him any drinks agein.
The guys all asked why.

She said, " he came home all drunk and put his hand down my panties,and yelled SKUNK, WITH A HATCHET!!!

[Rare Bird]

A binman knocks on a chinese take-away door. A chi*ky answer's ''harro, wot u wan''. The binman ask's ''where's ya bin''. ''I bin on loo'' say's the chi*k. ''No mate, where's ya dustbin'', '' I dust bin on loo'' say's the chi*k. ''No, no mate, where's ur wheelie bin''. ''Hokay. I wheelie bin hanin a wank''.

[Rare Bird]

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory, the manager ask's ''have you worked with chemicals before''? Yes Paddy replied. The manager then ask's ''can you tell me what nitrate is''Paddy replies ''yes it's time and a half''.

[Rare Bird]

2 gays Rupert + Cecil are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing vaseline in his chest. Cecil said ''what are you doing''? Rupert said ''i read in a gay mag that vaseline stimulates hair growth, i want an hairy chest''. Cecil said ''don't be so fu**ing stupid, if that was true i'd have a ponytail sticking out of my arse''.

[Rare Bird]

An Irish woman was admitted to Hospital after having Phone Sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas & a Samsung. No Siemen was found