Jokes & Funnies

[The Grand Wazoo]

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport.

There is fog so thick that visibility is down to 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous - one of them is actually begining to pray.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?".

The solitary office worker replies: "You're in the cockpit of a plane.".

The pilot immediately makes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel.

The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

[BajaGringo]

I take it that you are one of those who has waited 5 days for an email response from Microsoft support.

I laughed out loud at that one...

[Marco]

A little boy asks his mum: "Why are you black and I am white?"

"Don't even ask" she replies, "When I think back to that party you're bloody lucky you don't bark!"

Marco.

[Mike]

euwww!

[The Grand Wazoo]

An Amish family went to the big city for the first time. The boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen a lift) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is”.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather large old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a red button at the side. The walls opened and the lady wheeled herself between them into a small shiny room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...”Boy, listen to me very carefully. I want you to go now……go very, very quickly and get your mother……….”

[Filterlab]

"Little blind Bobby".



There was a young boy called Blind Bobby. He had been blind from a young age but he could remember how good it was to see things.



The doctors had told him he would never see again and there was nothing they could do.



One day his Mummy said to him "Bobby, an angel spoke to me today, she said that tonight is a special night, a magical night where little boys can have anything they wish for, but only if they wish really hard and pray really hard!"



"You mean that if I wish hard enough and pray hard enough I might be able to see again?" said little Blind Bobby.



"Yes darling" said his Mummy, "but only if you wish really really hard and pray really really hard."



Little Blind Bobby was full of excitement, he couldn't wait for bedtime to come round!



As night fell, little Blind Bobby got into bed and knelt, he wished and he wished, he prayed and he prayed that the magic would give him his sight back like his Mummy promised. He prayed and wished, wished and prayed until he fell fast asleep with exhaustion from wishing and praying.



In the morning little Blind Bobby awoke, his eyes full of tears. Alas his sight had not returned and with utter despair and sadness he said to his Mummy "Mummy, I wished really hard and prayed really hard but I didn't get my sight back!"



"I know darling" said Mummy, "April Fool!"

[Marco]

Sick, but I like it

Ok, a farmer walks into his bedroom where he wife was with a sheep under his arm and says: "This is the pig I have to shag when you're not up for sex!"

His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep!"

He replies: "Ya daft cow, I was talking to the bloody sheep!"

Marco.

[Kurt-Holz]

what's black and white and spins around at 1000rpm

haha

sorry, are nun's in a blender joke in bad taste

Rob, that one was so bad it's good

Kurt

[The Grand Wazoo]

On the subject of sheep...................

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, and then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up GPS system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I suppose you'd better take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select an animal and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?"

You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. What's more you know ****-all about my business. "Now give me back my dog!"

[Marco]

Hehe... where are you getting these from, TGW?

Marco.