I have really mixed opinions on piped music.

Some people have assembled against the scourge of piped music in order to, in the words of the PipeDown organization, obtain “freedom from piped music.” And while it remains obvious to just about everyone that this is really just about 80s pop duo Wham! (but that they would have felt bad singling them out), there are also a few benefits we may see from eliminating piped music altogether.

First let’s look at the good scenarios for piped music:

Coffee shop (inside): forgivable for covering unwanted background noises. Because of the odd, strange souls who actually eat the sixteen dollar sandwiches at their local coffee shops (I try to give them my spare change if I have any) a significant amount of screeching, scraping and scratching can be heard from forks, plates, chip bags and such other nonsense. Although it is my hope that we will all eventually evolve to the point of liquefying all of our food for the most convenient, quick and quiet consumption, these issues still plague our primitive eon and piped music can be slightly tolerable in this case so long as the stereotypical hipster-folk songs (always purposely bad in an effort to cast some sort of double-ironic commentary on the inadequacy of one’s parents) aren’t repeated ad infinitum so as to actually rival the number of atoms in the sun in quantity.

Bathrooms: It’s becoming increasingly recommended via articles like these shared via facebook, etc. that the infinitely prestigious architects of our bathroom experiences pipe music into public restrooms. While I hardly trust the musical taste of these tireless minds, in this case it can actually be somewhat forgivable due to the nature of the alternative soundscape one is to be subjected to. Although this does give me an idea for an environmental sounds album that is truly postmodern. The best policy is to avoid restrooms altogether which takes a considerable amount of discipline but is nevertheless very rewarding for those who see the value in ascetic virtues. If you live somewhere like New York City, public restrooms barely exist so it’s not much of a challenge in the first place.

Bad scenarios:

Coffee shop: outside

Sometimes when the music sucks just too much a quick break outside is called for. But horror: the music is piped outside as well. Such an inconceivable choice is almost as senseless as choosing crunchy peanut butter when smooth was available at the same price (the chunks of peanut have a lower caloric density vs perfectly ground, meaning that you have been bamboozled by peanut tycoons inflating their profit margins and trying to save wear and tear on peanut grinders; you also could have saved yourself time chewing which, over the quantity of your life could add up to several more minutes you could have spent doing something productive like posting on forums). Now you have to sprint twenty five feet away to escape the music, running so fast that you nearly spark a mass panic as people wonder what on earth you’re running from. Meanwhile, your previously claimed perfect spot languishes unattended while passersby circle it like vultures. By the time the precisely three minute and one second track is over it will unquestionably be taken. Sure, you left a plastic fork there in vain hope that it would serve as a territorial marker but one of the baristas who insists on being a weirdly good employee has already cleared it away and swept the spot clear of crumbs, mistakenly thinking a child was sitting there due to the unusual quantity and wide pattern of crumbscatter you left from your sweet potato scone.

Medical office waiting rooms

It has been scientifically verified by a number of peer-reviewed studies that “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston will come on over the course of any normal forty five minute waiting room session. Now for some people, this situation is a fifty-fifty. If there’s a middle aged woman in there who you have been checking out, then this is a great opportunity to spice up your afternoon with some mostly harmless pre-weekend dancing. However, it is a known fact that this behavior is frowned upon in some circles and could create such a fiasco as to cause a delay in receiving your medication for frequent urination due to the perceived need for additional tests for contraindication on the basis of neurochemical imbalances.

But for others, this is a negative as you’ll most likely get swept up in the ensuing dance frenzy, work your way through the ad hoc prom and awkwardly strut up to the cute receptionist only to see her engagement ring and come up with an idiotic sounding excuse to bail out of your advances along the lines of “I just wanted to come up here and ask you if you would want to… em… switch your keyboard to a Dvorak layout. Which could really increase workplace ergonomics.”