Jokes & Funnies

[Eagle owl]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden..
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?



I bought the wife a mudpack for Christmas to improve her looks.

It worked a treat until it dried and started falling off.

[Eagle owl]

A tax problem.

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tell him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says "before we begin I'll need to ask you a few questions".

He gets her name, address, tax file number etc and then asks

"What's your occupation ?"

"I'm a prostitute" she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says "lets try to rephrase that."

The woman says "Ok, I'm a hi-end call girl".

"No, that still doesn't work, try again."

They both think for a minute then the woman says

"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to

do with being a prostitute ?"

"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

"Ah, chicken farmer it is then".

[synsei]

I am very disappointed, there's an accountant in that joke and RCD's don't even get a mention...

[Ali Tait]

[mad-moon]

I walked into a muslim book shop in Newcastle yesterday...I says to the guy at the counter...have you got any reference books about UKIP...He says...GET OUT! AND STAY OUT!....I says..yep that's the one...

[Anthony K]

I recently got back from Vegas where I was competing in the World Erection championship.....made it to the semi's

[RichB]

This gave me a chuckle..

[struth]

I recently got back from Vegas where I was competing in the World Erection championship.....made it to the semi's

Stiff competition I suppose

[Eagle owl]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,
"Oi you! What's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes!! Now f off you c!!" **Twitch**


My girlfriend says that having a small penis doesn't affect our sex life, to be honest, i just wish she didn't have one at all....


We were so skint after Christmas that I agreed to let my wife to sell one of her kidneys.
If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports next.


Mickey Mouse is told by the judge that having big teeth is not a good enough reason to divorce Minnie.

His reply - 'I didnt say she has big teeth your honour - I said she was F...ing Goofy'


I once knew a guy who had been unfortunate to have been born with five penises. His underpants fit him like a glove.


Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.


I called round to my mate's hot tub

party.

I said, "Room for five more?"

He asked, "Why, who did you bring?"

I replied, "Just the wife."



Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park".

[struth]

Rab C Nesbitt jokes.....


Therapist: "Mr Nesbitt, were you close to your father?"

Rab: "Not unless I could help it, otherwise I would get a boot about the melt, but I always remember the friction burns he left on the carpet when I handed over my first wage packet."

Mary: [shocked] "My God" [to the therapist] "It's weird that you can live with someone for so long but you never really know them"

Rab: "Didn't you know my father was an alky?"



Mary: "Oh aye, but I didn't know you had a job!"
Some place Govan eh? Where else can you get a fish supper at 9am? Simple, just steal it off a drunk that's been lyin pished outside a close all night.



Rab: "Mary, you and I go back a long way to let a pound of dead meat come between us."

Mary: "Let's leave our sex life out of this."



Rab C. Nesbitt: I mean I Had tae start drinkin again didn't I?

Doctor: Oh really, how so?

Rab C. Nesbitt: Aw, It was her. She said foreplay wusny worth a toss since ma hon stopped shakin!



Nurse: (Mary has gone under a serious operation in hospital. But something unforseen has happened as she lies in bed afterwards) I'm afraid your stitches have burst, Mrs. Nesbitt.

Mary Nesbitt: Oh, thank goodness for that, nurse. For a minute there I though I'd pi**** mysel.


BOOM BOOM!!!!!