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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #851
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    Why I Fired My Secretary...

    Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up
    That Morning.

    I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant
    And Say,"happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

    As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy Birthday."

    I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember.

    My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left
    For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

    As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!"

    It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.

    I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And
    Said, "you know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday,
    Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."

    I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"

    We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go.

    We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two
    Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously On The Way Back
    To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We
    Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

    I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

    She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."

    After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss,
    If you Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment.
    "I'll Be Right Back."

    "ok." I Nervously Replied.

    She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out

    Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And
    Dozens of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".

    And I Just Sat There...

    On The Couch...

    Naked.

  2. #852
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    The difference between Guts & Balls.


    Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
    assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
    you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


    Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
    perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
    and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty."

  3. #853
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    Jet Lag.


    A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.
    The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs.
    The man isn't sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating.

    A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently
    wipes between her legs.
    The man is about to go nuts; he can't believe what he is seeing.
    A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again.
    She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
    The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you have sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs.
    What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
    The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm."
    The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
    The woman looks at him and says, "Black Pepper."

  4. #854
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: North Wales

    Posts: 24
    I'm John.

    Default

    My wife told me yesterday she wanted a Brazilian wax. I said she'd be better off with a Gaza strip, given the pounding it's taken over the years...

  5. #855
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    James Bond

    James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
    woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch. The
    woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

    "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
    just testing it."

    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
    it?"

    Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically".

    The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

    "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

    "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
    panties!"

    Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

  6. #856
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    Waiting in line.

    In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

    Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you
    doing?" Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't
    help practicing my art!"
    "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for Inland Revenue. Do you see me f***ing the guy in front of me?

  7. #857
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    Inland Revenue genie.

    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without
    water.



    His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,
    certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an
    object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.


    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
    looks to be an old brief case.


    He opens it and out pops a genie.


    But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge
    and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
    pencil tucked behind one ear.


    "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
    wishes."


    "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a tax
    auditor genie."


    "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
    like you're a goner anyway!"


    The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
    right.


    "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."


    **POOF***


    The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.


    And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.


    "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."


    "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."


    ***POOF***


    The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
    gold coins and precious gems.


    "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
    one!"


    After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter
    where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."


    ***POOF***


    He is turned into a tampon.



    The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
    going to be a string attached.

  8. #858
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    Dirty Mind???

    She whispered "will it hurt me?"
    "Of course not" answered he
    "It's a very simple process,
    You can rely on me."



    She said "I'm very frightened,
    I've not had this before.
    My friend has had it five times
    And said it can be sore."



    It was growing rather painful
    Tears formed in her eyes
    It was hurting quite a bit now
    It must have been a size.



    "Calm yourself" he whispered
    "His face filled with a grin
    "Try and open wider
    So I can get it in."



    "It's coming now" he whispered
    "I know" she cried in bliss
    Feeling it deep within her now
    She said "I am glad I'm having this."



    And with a final effort
    She gave a frightened shout
    He gripped it in anguish
    And quickly pulled it out.



    She lay back quite contended
    Sighed and gave a smile
    She said "I'm glad I came now
    You made it worth my while."



    Now if you read this carefully
    The dentist you will find
    Is not what you imagined
    It's just your dirty mind!!

  9. #859
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    What would you do????

    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
    neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

    The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would
    perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
    seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
    accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

    He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess,
    the priests, the wise men and even the court jester He spoke with
    everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

    Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
    have the answer.

    But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
    kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

    The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to
    talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would
    have to agree to her price first.

    The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
    Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

    Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had
    only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He
    had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

    He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
    terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with
    Arthur.

    He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
    and the preservation of the Round Table.

    Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
    question thus:

    What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her
    own life.

    Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
    great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

    And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom
    and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

    The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
    horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
    him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the
    bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

    The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
    appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
    self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half .

    Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

    Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman
    to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
    castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch
    during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
    wondrous intimate moments?

    What would YOU do?

    What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you
    scroll down below. OKAY?













    Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice
    herself.

    Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
    time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
    her own life.

    Now....what is the moral to this story?






    Scroll down
















    The moral is.....

    If you don't let a woman have her own way....


    Things are going to get ugly!

  10. #860
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Eastbourne UK

    Posts: 688
    I'm Geoffrey.

    Default

    Forgive me father.........

    Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
    Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
    "Yes, Father, 'tis I."
    "And who was the woman you were with?"
    "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
    Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
    "I cannot say Father, please."
    "Was it Patricia Kelly?"
    "I'll never tell."
    "Was it Brydie Shannon?"
    "I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
    "Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
    "My lips are sealed, Father."
    "Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration.
    "You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

    Tommy walks back to his pew.

    His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"








    "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

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