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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #831
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 31,853
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Techno Commander View Post
    Excellent!
    Barry

  2. #832
    Join Date: Jun 2010

    Location: Southampton

    Posts: 1,620
    I'm drunk.

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    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%..


    It's called a Wedding Cake

  3. #833
    Join Date: Nov 2013

    Location: Powys

    Posts: 1,199
    I'm David.

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    Quote Originally Posted by snapper View Post
    He obviously needs this

  4. #834
    Join Date: Feb 2013

    Location: W Lothian

    Posts: 99,005
    I'm Grant.

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    A 7 year old and his 4 year old brother are in their bedroom.

    “You know what” says the 7 year old. “I think it is time we started swearing.

    When we go down stairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you”

    “OK” says the 4 year old.

    Mum asks 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. “I'll have Coco Pops, bitch”

    WHACK!!!, he flew off his chair crying his eyes out.

    Mum looked at 4 year old and said rather sternly “And what do you want?”.

    “Dunno but it won't be f*****g Coco Pops.”
    Regards,
    Grant .... ؠ ......Don't be such a big girl's blouse

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply-doesn't-work
    .... ..... ...... ...... ................... ..... ..... ..... ..... .....
    FIIO K7 BT, M11 PLUS, BTR7, KA5 - OPPO BDP-103D - PANASONIC UB450 - PANASONIC 4K ULTRA HD TV - PIXEL 6 - AVANTREE LR BLUETOOTH - 2* X600 SOUNDCORE - HEADPHONES INCLUDE, FIIO, NURAPHONES', FOCAL, OPPO, BOSE, CAMBRIDGE, BOWER & WILKINS, DEVIALET, MARSHALL, SONY, MITCHELL & JOHNSTON - 2*ZBOOK'S- MERCURY BD ROM, ROON, QOBUZ, TIDAL, PLEX, CYBERLINK, JRIVER - MULTI HDD'S -

    Oh my god! There's nothing wrong with the bidet is there?

    “Nothing discloses real character like the use of power. It is easy for the weak to be gentle. Most people can bear adversity. But if you wish to know what a man really is, give him power. This is the supreme test. It is the glory of Lincoln that, having almost absolute power, he never abused it, except on the side of mercy".

    “You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their soldiers and the truncheons of their police ... yet in their hearts there is unspoken fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts: words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home -- all the more powerful because forbidden -- terrify them. A little mouse of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic.”

    "You don't have free will. You have the appearance of free will.”

    “There's a war out there, old friend. A world war. And it's not about who's got the most bullets. It's about who controls the information. What we see and hear, how we work, what we think... it's all about the information!”


    ***SMILE, BE HAPPY***

  5. #835
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: North Wales

    Posts: 24
    I'm John.

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    Perspire - How cathedral builders get paid
    Perverse - How poets get paid
    Perpetuate - How Korean restaurant owners get paid
    Panting - Jamaican cooking utensil
    Grating - Something Jamaicans really like.

  6. #836
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 31,853
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

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    Methinks a fan of the Radio 4 'quiz' - "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue".
    Barry

  7. #837
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: North Wales

    Posts: 24
    I'm John.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Barry View Post
    Methinks a fan of the Radio 4 'quiz' - "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue".
    Well spotted

  8. #838
    Join Date: Oct 2012

    Location: Napier, New Zealand

    Posts: 1,519
    I'm Andrei.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Techno Commander View Post
    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.

    They go with a government official to examine the wall.
    The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
    'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
    The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
    The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"
    The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
    The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
    'Done!' replies the government official.
    In 90% of the world that is not a joke.
    [COLOR=#a52a2a][B]Sources:[/B] [B]1[/B][/COLOR] PC & Wyred4Sound DAC-2 DSDse   [COLOR=#a52a2a][B]2[/B][/COLOR] Oppo BDP105   [COLOR=#a52a2a][B]3[/B][/COLOR] Technics SL·1210 MK5 (Jelco 750D · Benz Wood).    [COLOR=#a52a2a][B]Speaker Cable[/B][/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Nordost Frey.[/COLOR]    [COLOR=#a52a2a][B]Interconnects [/B][/COLOR][COLOR=#000000]Oyaide[/COLOR][COLOR=black] & [/COLOR][COLOR=#000000]Geisha [/COLOR][COLOR=black]Silver.
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  9. #839
    Join Date: Apr 2012

    Location: N E Kent

    Posts: 51,624
    I'm Geoff.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Andrei View Post
    In 90% of the world that is not a joke.
    So true. My local authority experience saw much of the same. Manager turns up in brand new car, favoured contractor turns up later in similar brand new car and only one digit separates the registration numbers. Go figure!!
    It is impossible for anything digital to sound analogue, because it isn't analogue!

  10. #840
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: North Wales

    Posts: 24
    I'm John.

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    Bonopoly - Like Monopoly but the streets have no name.

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