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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #641
    Join Date: Aug 2011

    Location: Bacau, Romania

    Posts: 1,215
    I'm Bob.

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    Presumably the Sun is behaving itself these Leveson days.... Or have they not yet run with "Massive police sweep for free Essex pussy called off" ?

  2. #642
    Alex_UK's Avatar
    Alex_UK is offline Spotify + Facebook Moderator / Chilled-Out Wino and only here for the shilling
    Join Date: Aug 2009

    Location: Sunny Suffolk, UK

    Posts: 15,952
    I'm WrappingALilacCurtainAroundMyBobby.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobbasrah View Post
    Presumably the Sun is behaving itself these Leveson days.... Or have they not yet run with "Massive police sweep for free Essex pussy called off" ?
    If not, they should have!
    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
    Amplifier: Rega Brio R. Speakers: Spendor SP1. Cables: Various, mainly Mark Grant.
    Please see "about me" for the rest of my cr@p! Gallery


    A.o.S. on Facebook - A.o.S. on Spotify - A.o.S. on Twitter

    There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing and be nothing Aristotle

  3. #643
    Alex_UK's Avatar
    Alex_UK is offline Spotify + Facebook Moderator / Chilled-Out Wino and only here for the shilling
    Join Date: Aug 2009

    Location: Sunny Suffolk, UK

    Posts: 15,952
    I'm WrappingALilacCurtainAroundMyBobby.

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    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

    'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'

    'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.

    But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

    'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'

    'You're with the GOVERNMENT..This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed.'
    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
    Amplifier: Rega Brio R. Speakers: Spendor SP1. Cables: Various, mainly Mark Grant.
    Please see "about me" for the rest of my cr@p! Gallery


    A.o.S. on Facebook - A.o.S. on Spotify - A.o.S. on Twitter

    There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing and be nothing Aristotle

  4. #644
    Join Date: Aug 2009

    Location: Staffordshire, England

    Posts: 37,779
    I'm Martin.

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    Maybe we did this one already but I can't be arsed to check...

    The Grim Reaper came for me today. Fortunately I was able to beat him off with the only thing I had to hand - the vacuum cleaner!

    Talk about Dyson with Death!

    Boom - Tish - Thang you I'm here all week...
    Current Lash Up:

    TEAC VRDS 701T > Sony TAE1000ESD > Krell KSA50S > JM Labs Focal Electra 926.

  5. #645
    Join Date: Jan 2012

    Location: Manchester

    Posts: 480
    I'm graham.

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    The two Homosexual Ghosts........


    trying to put the willies up each other!

  6. #646
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: The Sussex Riviera

    Posts: 51
    I'm Ed.

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    Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."

    The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?

    Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."

  7. #647
    Join Date: Aug 2011

    Location: Bacau, Romania

    Posts: 1,215
    I'm Bob.

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    EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

    After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

    'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

    And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

    'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

    And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

    Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

    'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

    'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

    God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'

    Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?

  8. #648
    Join Date: Jan 2012

    Location: Manchester

    Posts: 480
    I'm graham.

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  9. #649
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Wrexham, North Wales, UK

    Posts: 110,012
    I'm AudioAl'sArbiterForPISHANTO.

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    Superb!

    Marco.
    Main System

    Turntable: Heavily-modified Technics SL-1210MK5G [Mike New bearing/ETP platter/Paul Hynes SR7 PSU & reg mods]. Funk Firm APM Achromat/Nagaoka GL-601 Crystal Record Weight/Isonoe feet & boots/Ortofon RS-212D/Denon DL-103GL in Denon PCL-300 headshell with Funk Firm Houdini/Kondo SL-115 pure-silver cartridge leads.

    Paul Hynes MC head amp/SR5 PSU. Also modded Lentek head amp/Denon AU-310 SUT.

    Other Cartridges: Nippon Columbia (NOS 1987) Denon DL-103. USA-made Shure SC35C with NOS stylus. Goldring G820 with NOS stylus. Shure M55E with NOS stylus.

    CD Player: Audiocom-modified Sony X-777ES/DAS-R1 DAC.

    Tape Deck: Tandberg TCD 310, fully restored and recalibrated as new, by RDE, plus upgraded with heads from the TCD-420a. Also with matching TM4 Norway microphones.

    Preamps: Heavily-modified Croft Charisma-X. LDR Stereo Coffee. Power Amps: Tube Distinctions Copper Amp fitted with Tungsol KT-150s. Quad 306.

    Cables & Sundries: Mark Grant HDX1 interconnects and digital coaxial cable, plus Mark Grant 6mm UP-LCOFC Van Damme speaker cable. MCRU 'Ultimate' mains leads. Lehmann clone headphone amp with vintage Koss PRO-4AAA headphones.

    Tube Distinctions digital noise filter. VPI HW16.5 record cleaning machine.

    Speakers: Tannoy 15MGs in Lockwood cabinets with modified crossovers. 1967 Celestion Ditton 15.


    Protect your HUMAN RIGHTS and REFUSE ANY *MANDATORY* VACCINE FOR COVID-19!

    Also **SAY NO** to unjust 'vaccine passports' or certificates, which are totally incompatible with a FREE society!!!


  10. #650
    Join Date: Jun 2009

    Location: Hove Actually

    Posts: 3,935
    I'm Imjustsurviving.

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    ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX ?

    Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes .


    Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

    Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

    Sex with your Partner - Standard Life .

    Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

    Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

    Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

    Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

    Sex with an OAP - Saga !

    Sex with a transvestite - confused .com!
    Jon


    A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.




    Set up
    Lafayette el84 power amp , Audio note M1 pre , Tannoy Sterlings, Garrard 301 , SME 3012 , puresound P10, Ortofon SPU, Cambridge CXN streamer
    Micro mega Duo 3 cd transport ,

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