Jokes & Funnies

[Macca]

This was on TV the other night so forgive me if you've heard it...

A Genie appears to a man and offers him one wish. The man pulls out a map of the midle east and spreads it out on the table in front of the Genie. 'This is the Middle East' says the man ' the most violent and troubled region of the planet. I wish that you make it one big happy land with no more problems.'

The Genie studies the map and shakes his head. 'Look at all these borders and countries. Different religions and tribes with blood feuds going back centuries. I may be Genie but I think this is beyond my power. Think of another wish instead.'

'Okay' says the man, 'That was a bit of an ask wasn't it? Tell you what then, I wish my wife would give me oral sex'

And the Genie says: ' Lets have another look at that map'...

[Roy S]

Another friend of mine fell in the sea and drowned. I sent a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt to his funeral, it's what he would have wanted.

[Stratmangler]

[Roy S]

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start

I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter

They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.

Can you help me I'm desperate!

Dear reader:

The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps, Jim.

[Alex_UK]

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...


1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

(With apologies to any members from the legal profession, or indeed if any of you are hookers!)

[morris_minor]

[The Grand Wazoo]

As Alex said, apologies to any lawyers.........but:


A burglar, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together. When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"

"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic." So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.

Next he turns to the burglar. "Although you have led a life of crime, it's not gone unnoticed that you had to steal as a result of extreme misfortune and social injustices, and that in all other ways, you have led a humble life. We know that you loved your family and helped out by doing volunteer work at the hospice. However, we can't ignore your sins, so I will have to make your question more difficult to answer. So, how many people died on that ship?"

"Oooh, that's a difficult one. But I saw that film about it, and I think it was 1,500." St. Peter smiles and the burglar walks through the gates & into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Right then, it's you is it? Go on then, name them for me....."

[Roy S]

How do you kill a Circus?

Go for the Juggler

[Alex_UK]

Thanks to my mum for this one:

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, and every year Bill would say,

"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

"I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid,

And twenty quid is twenty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

"Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

"Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know,

Twenty quid is twenty quid! "

[morris_minor]

That one's gone down a treat at Minor Towers, Alex!