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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #501
    Alex_UK's Avatar
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    This made me laugh!

    Alex

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  2. #502
    Join Date: Sep 2008

    Location: West Lancashire

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    I'm Lucky.

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    Please help me to understand what is funny here!
    The Man with the suit and the pace. Knee deep in the dead.

  3. #503
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    Quote Originally Posted by Darren View Post
    Please help me to understand what is funny here!
    Must be just me then!
    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
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  4. #504
    Join Date: Jan 2008

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    It was quite funny, but it would've definitely been funnier had he, on the way over to the toy bike, slipped on the floor and fell on his arse!!

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  5. #505
    Join Date: Apr 2009

    Location: Sheffield

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    Quote Originally Posted by Alex_UK View Post
    Must be just me then!
    Nope, IMHO Darren is right - he definitely needs help . It even raised a feint smile on my face .
    Dave.
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  6. #506
    Join Date: May 2008

    Location: Lancaster(-ish), UK

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    I'm ChrisB.

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    Farmer Giles is in court accused of insurance fraud. The insurers say that he deliberately burnt down his barn in order to get the money for the building and everything in it, including a years hay crop and some expensive agricultural machinery.

    He's being cross examined by the prosecution. They're asking how it came to be that the barn burnt down.

    "Well, Sir it was obviously when I accidentally dropped one of the candles on the floor"

    "But Mr Giles, why on earth would you be using candles in a wooden building that was filled to the rafters with highly flammable hay bales? I understand the building had a very expensive lighting system both inside and out that you installed only last year"

    "Well Sir, yes that's true.........but........"

    "So was there a power cut on that evening"

    "Well no Sir you see, it was because..........."

    "So why didn't you use a torch? Surely you have a torch?"

    "Well, yes Sir I own several torches, but that wouldn't have been right for the job you see"

    "Well if a torch wasn't bright enough why didn't you drive your Land Rover into the barn and shine the headlights?"

    "Well Sir, that wouldn't have been right either. A torch and headlights would both be far too bright for what I needed"

    "Too bright? What on earth do you mean by that? What was the light for?

    "Well Sir, I needed the light for the ambience"

    "Mr Giles, perhaps you would like to slowly and carefully explain to the court just exactly what you mean by that statement?"

    "Well Sir, I was told that the ambience had to be perfect for the job. So I put some James Last music on the Land Rover tape player, I carried the dining room table into the barn, put a nice clean cloth over it. I scattered rose petals all over the place. I saw that in a film once - oooharrr - I thought that was quite a good touch. Then I built a big crackling, flickery fire in an old 40 gallon oil drum by the fertilising machine and I put a fur rug down in front of it. I made sure that there was no hay anywhere near it though, because I didn't want the whole place burning down. But then I lit the candles that I had spread all around the barn - for the ambience, you see"

    "Mr Giles, this sounds like you are trying to tell the court that you were creating the scene for a seduction. But only a fool would believe that you might try to carry that out by going to all that trouble in a hay barn, of all places. So humour me and the court, Mr Giles. Please tell me what happened next. Is this when you brought the lucky lady on to the scene?"

    "No Sir, that's just it - there was no lady. That was the problem in the first place.
    What I did next was, I poured some nice wine into a glass and put it on the bonnet of my old Massey Ferguson with a bunch of red roses. I got in the cab and started the engine. It was the vibration of the engine that caused the candle to fall over"


    "Mr Giles - this is preposterous. You surely can't expect us to believe that anyone - even someone as obviously stupid and unsophisticated as you would believe that this was the best way to seduce a lady."

    "Like I said Sir, there was no lady involved - me and the missus have been having some trouble in the bedroom for quite some time - I just can't seem to make her interested. So I went to a shrink and he told me that I obviously had a lot of pent up frustration because of this & I should find a way to release it. I thought he was mad, but then he is a doctor & so he should know, so I thought I'd give his suggestion a go"

    The prosecutor sees his chance to pour even more shame on the farmer and goes in for the kill:
    "And what was the doctors suggestion Mr Giles - Please don't try to tell me that an experienced psychoanalyst told you that you should seduce one of your sheep!"

    "No Sir, he said that I should do something romantic to a tractor"

  7. #507
    Alex_UK's Avatar
    Alex_UK is offline Spotify + Facebook Moderator / Chilled-Out Wino and only here for the shilling
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    Groan! But quite funny!
    Alex

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  8. #508
    Join Date: Jan 2010

    Location: NW London, UK

    Posts: 218
    I'm Christian.

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    My local butcher has started selling halfs of Venison, offering 4 half's for £200. Personally I thought it was two deer.

    I'll get me coat!

  9. #509
    Alex_UK's Avatar
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    Another groan, but did raise a titter.
    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
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  10. #510
    Join Date: Nov 2011

    Location: Romford

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    I'm sorted.

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    I bumped into an old mate today, he said "what you upto these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down and outs" he said, "so you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "no, I'm a chef in a wetherspoons pub!"

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