Jokes & Funnies

[jantheman]

You have heard and read the stories...dont eat or drink this and that, its bad for you. Dont partake in this activity, you'll kill yourself. So.........
After an intense scientific investigation costing millions, scientists have finally found one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to prolong your life. Birthdays.....seems the more you have the longer you live.....Mmmmmmm

[Techno Commander]

Did you know that one in three Americans weighs as much as the other two put together.

[The Grand Wazoo]

Seeing as there seems to be a bit of a focus on hearing problems over the last few days, I thought this might be a good topical tale:


A old guy thought his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to broach the subject with her, he called their GP to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him about a simple informal test he could perform on his wife to give them both a better idea about her hearing loss and how bad it had got.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, with his wife in the kitchen cooking dinner, the old guy was in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "What's for dinner tonight then?"

No response.

So then he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and says, "So what culinary masterpiece are you creating for us tonight then love?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "So what are you cooking for us for dinner tonight then? - it smells great"

Again he gets no response.

So, he starts to get a bit worried as he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "What's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "What are we having tonight then?"

She turns round and bellows in his ear at the top of her voice:

"Frank.........for the FIFTH fucking time, you deaf old bastard, IT'S CHICKEN"

[Alex_UK]

...which reminds me of this one...


Two deaf guys walk into a pub in Burnley.

One gives his mate a twenty pound note and says:

"You get the drinks in. I'll find us a seat."

So the guy goes to the bar and orders two pints of lager. The barman serves him and gives him two pounds change.

"What's this?" the deaf guy asks, looking at his change. "You charge nine pounds a pint in here these days?"

"Nah," the barman says. "We've got a live band in tonight. There's a £5 cover charge. You and your mate, that's a tenner."

"Live band?"

"Live band," the bartender confirms.

"What, rock and roll, Indie, hip-hop, grunge...?"

"Some Country and Western," the barman replies.

"Ri-ight..." the deaf guy says as he takes the drinks.

He rejoins his mate. Puts the drinks on the table.

"Where's me change?" the friend asks.

He gets handed the two quid.

"What? They charge nine quid a fuggin pint in here now do they? What's the crack?"

"They've got a band on. £5 cover charge."

"A band?"

"Oh yes."

"What? Rock n roll, Indie, hip hop, grunge?"

"Nah,"

"What then?"

"Some c*nt from Preston."

[Stratmangler]

I saw this tonight http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quir...1#newscomments

[Alex_UK]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Bugger me, talk about Dyson with death.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said “I would like to come back as a cow”.
I said “You’re obviously not listening”.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

“Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was”.

[The Grand Wazoo]

As I'm not exactly the world's best linguist, I have to take on trust the assurance that these translations are accurate. Even if they're not, they're still funny as hell though!

[sburrell]

I can vouch for the accuracy of those translations. Gotta love the Hispanic sentido de humor

[Macca]

I wanted to learn how to do the splits. So I went down to the gym and the bloke says 'Are you flexible?'

I said 'Well I can't do Tuesdays.'

[The Grand Wazoo]

I heard about this on the radio one day last week & I thought I should see if there was a YouTube clip of it - got it!

The TV presenter who told the Dalai Lama a joke about the Dalai Lama - oops!





On the radio programme I heard, there was a follow up gag to this one from a listener.

The pizza guy gives him his pizza (with everything).
He says: "That'll be eight quid then please mate"

The Dalai Lama gives him a tenner.
Pizza guy puts the money in the till and starts making more pizzas.

The Dalai Lama says: "You said the pizza was eight pounds"
Pizza guy says: "Yup, that's right"

Dalai Lama says: "........and I gave you a ten pound note!"
Pizza guy says: "Yup, that's right!"

Dalai Lama says: "So, I'd like my change now, please"
Pizza guy says: "Change must come from within"