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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #351
    Join Date: Nov 2008

    Location: Valley of the Hazels

    Posts: 9,139
    I'm AMusicFanNotAnAudiophile.

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    Beer contains female hormones


    Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.


    Men should take a
    concerned look at their beer consumption.


    The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens)
    and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.




    To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

    It was then observed that
    100% of the test subjects

    1) Argued over nothing.

    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

    3) Gained weight.

    4) Talked excessively without making sense.

    5) Became overly emotional.

    6) Couldn't drive..

    7) Failed to think rationally.

    8) Had to sit down while urinating.

    No further testing was considered necessary.

    Chris



    Common sense isn't anymore!

  2. #352
    Join Date: Feb 2008

    Location: North East UK

    Posts: 6,358
    I'm InSpace.

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    Wow, nice jugs... all five of them!
    Shian7
    --------------------------------------------------------

    Kudakutemo
    kudakutemo

    ari mizu-no tsuki

    Though it be be broken -
    broken again - still it's there:
    the moon on the water.

    - Choshu.

  3. #353
    Join Date: Mar 2008

    Location: Galashiels

    Posts: 13,669
    I'm inthescottishmafia.

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    F'nar F'nar!

  4. #354
    Join Date: May 2008

    Location: U.S.A. Neo-Socialist Kalifornski

    Posts: 3,262

    Default

    Last edited by goraman; 12-05-2010 at 05:10.
    Jeff :UBERTHREADKILLER

  5. #355
    Join Date: Dec 2008

    Location: Yorks

    Posts: 16,643
    I'm Nobody.

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    Why is it that single Women don't fart?

    They don't get an arsehole till they get married


  6. #356
    Join Date: Sep 2009

    Location: France

    Posts: 3,209
    I'm notAlone.

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    How to kill a dragon and save a princess in different metal genres:

    HEAVY METAL
    The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

    POWER METAL
    The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

    THRASH METAL
    The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

    FOLK METAL
    The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.

    VIKING METAL
    The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

    DEATH METAL
    The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

    BLACK METAL
    The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

    GORE METAL
    The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

    GRIND METAL
    The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

    DOOM METAL
    The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

    GOTHIC METAL
    The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

    PROGRESSIVE METAL
    The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.

    INDUSTRIAL METAL
    The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

    SPEED METAL
    Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

    CHRISTIAN METAL
    The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

    GLAM METAL
    The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

    BATTLE METAL
    The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

    NU METAL
    The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

    EMO
    The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
    Dimitri.

    In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
    George Orwell

  7. #357
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 31,846
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

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    Nice one Dimitri!

    Regards
    Barry

  8. #358
    Join Date: Nov 2008

    Location: Valley of the Hazels

    Posts: 9,139
    I'm AMusicFanNotAnAudiophile.

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    Son asked his mother the following question:
    'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
    'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
    The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
    'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
    The father looks at his son in surprise and says:












    'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
    Chris



    Common sense isn't anymore!

  9. #359
    Join Date: Dec 2008

    Location: Yorks

    Posts: 16,643
    I'm Nobody.

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    Father & son in supermarket. ''Dad, what are these?''..''That's a 3 pack of condoms son for secondary lads. ''1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night & 1 for Sunday night''

    ''What about the 6 pack dad?''...''Those are for University lads. ''2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night & 2 for Sunday night''.

    ''Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?. ''Married men son...1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March & so on.


  10. #360
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 31,846
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Andre View Post
    Father & son in supermarket. ''Dad, what are these?''..''That's a 3 pack of condoms son for secondary lads. ''1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night & 1 for Sunday night''

    ''What about the 6 pack dad?''...''Those are for University lads. ''2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night & 2 for Sunday night''.

    ''Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?. ''Married men son...1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March & so on.

    Similar to women's knickers: these are sold in packs of 7, one for each day of the week. Men's underpants? Well these are sold in packs of 12: one for each month of the year!
    Barry

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