Jokes & Funnies

[Barry]

LOL. You're right, Chris. I think it was the "mon" along with the "jings" that just swung it too much into 'Jings, crivens, help ma boab' territory!

'There's a moose loose aboot this hoose', and all that nonsense.

Mind you, 'tcheuchters' (look that one up if you're unfamiliar with the expression) often talk that way... But they're all 'aff their heids'!!

Marco.

Isn't this what is known as 'broad Scots' and 'tucheucters' are southern Scots or borderers? We use to have a Scots guy (hailing from Dunoon) work with us who would often use the phrase 'Yeuchter tueuchter' which we took as meaning ' You useless southerner'!

Regards

[Marco]

Hi Barry,

Nooooooo... *Well*, more accurately, that's not how people from Glasgow used the word.

"Tcheuchters" were anyone who had a 'funny' (generally Northern) Scottish accent and/or vocabulary, say, people from the North East up by Aberdeen (and also Fife), who have a habit of saying 'ken' after every sentence, or further up around Inverness, or from the Highlands and Islands. It's a kind of 'och aye the noo' way of speaking which Glaswegians, and people from the Central West of Scotland in general, always poked fun at

People from Edinburgh were referred to as "weejies". Well there was always a bit of 'niggle' between people from Edinburgh and Glasgow, as in general their character traits and outlook were rather different.

Marco.

[Beechwoods]

as in general their character traits and outlook were rather different.

Aye, all the toffs live in Edinburgh!!

[Mike]

Tcheuchtcer

(noun) A country fellow, particularly from the more rural parts of the Highlands and Islands of Scotland. Often a Gaelic speaker.

[Marco]

Mikey,

There's no 'c' after the last 't', as far as I know...

'Tcheuchter' is how I know it used, and this works with how it's pronounced: 'choochter'. If it were 'Tcheuchtcer', it would be pronounced as 'choochtser' or 'choochtker'

Marco - your friendly resident linguist

[Mike]

Oops, slip of the keyboard. Got it from here:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...erm=tcheuchter

[Mike Reed]

. .





The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf !'

[REM]

A Bad Time For Honesty

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First name only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."-3 minutes of commercials follow

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"(touch tones.... Ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away o r you'll lose. So do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "OK Folks, we need to take a station break.....

[DaveK]

A friend of ours thought that he had got Swine Flu earlier this week so he rang the Swine Flu hotline - all he got was cracklin' !!


Think about it
Cheers,

[Mike Reed]

The Second Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'