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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1421
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 31,856
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

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    There are many reasons why one should avoid Weatherspoons as a pub/eatery - not least the flagrant pro-Brexit propaganda by Tim Martins written on the back of their menus.
    Barry

  2. #1422
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 14,595
    I'm Steve.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Oddball View Post
    A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
    Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
    they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
    at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
    The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
    should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
    Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
    could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
    value for money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
    meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
    Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
    accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
    meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
    Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before !!!!!

    Thought it apt for here !!
    Nice one Anto, and spot on! The 60 year old one is me all over. I'll try to remember this one, though I'll probably have to write it down. I'd say Wetherspoons is a forgettable experience at any age
    I just dropped in, to see what condition my condition was in

    T/T: Inspire Monarch, X200 tonearm, Ortofon Quintet Blue. Phono: Project Tube Box CD: Marantz CD6006 (UK Edition); Amp: Musical Fidelity A5 Integrated.
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  3. #1423
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    A Brummie walks into a tailors and says 'Alroit mate, o'id loike a 70s suit please'.

    The tailor saays 'certainly sir - would you like a kipper tie with that?'

    The Brummie says 'Thanks mate - two sugars please!'...............
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  4. #1424
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    A man goes to the dentist and says "I'm in a lot of pain. I think I have Ultravox Syndrome."

    "I've never heard of that," says the dentist. "Where's the pain?"

    "Mid-jaw" he replies.

    The dentist says 'that means nothing to me'........

    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  5. #1425
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.




    Bob has been missing since Friday !!!!!
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  6. #1426
    Alex_UK's Avatar
    Alex_UK is offline Spotify + Facebook Moderator / Chilled-Out Wino and only here for the shilling
    Join Date: Aug 2009

    Location: Sunny Suffolk, UK

    Posts: 15,952
    I'm WrappingALilacCurtainAroundMyBobby.

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    You're on a roll there Anto!
    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
    Amplifier: Rega Brio R. Speakers: Spendor SP1. Cables: Various, mainly Mark Grant.
    Please see "about me" for the rest of my cr@p! Gallery


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  7. #1427
    Join Date: Jan 2013

    Location: North East

    Posts: 12,011
    I'm Alan.

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    Sean Connery was interviewed by Parkinson, and bragged that despite his elderly years, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with you. Let’s go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and my cock in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that wash wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my ballsh in your left hand, and my cock in your right hand." Cilla is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your cock in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I slept with a shcouser, she shtole ma wallet."
    'ANDSOME IN THE SUMMER..'ORIBBLE IN THE WINTER. Barney Milne

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  8. #1428
    Join Date: Jul 2009

    Location: Hampshire, UK

    Posts: 3,662
    I'm Adam.

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    A priest, a bishop and a rabbit go to give blood. When they get there, the rabbit says to the nurse "I think I'm a Type O"
    Engineers: fixing problems you didn't know you had in ways you don't understand.

  9. #1429
    Audio Al is offline Pishanto Specialist & Super-Daftee
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Dagenham Essex

    Posts: 11,215
    I'm Allen.

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    I just heard they won't be making yard sicks any longer
    [

  10. #1430
    Audio Al is offline Pishanto Specialist & Super-Daftee
    Join Date: May 2012

    Location: Dagenham Essex

    Posts: 11,215
    I'm Allen.

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    One day Youtube Twitter and facebook will join together and be called

    YouTwitFace
    [

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