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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1411
    Join Date: Jan 2013

    Location: North East

    Posts: 12,011
    I'm Alan.

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    probably an old joke...but so true....

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

    I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.

    The nanny, we'll consider her the working class.

    And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

    Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

    The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
    'ANDSOME IN THE SUMMER..'ORIBBLE IN THE WINTER. Barney Milne

    Cambridge Audio CXN, Seagate nas drive, Michell Gyrodec SE, SME309, Benz M2 Ruby cantilever, Denon DL103, Primare R32, Densen D20, Densen D30, Cambridge Audio 840A V2 integrated, Pioneer SX-N30AE Network Stereo Receiver, Roksan Darius speakers, Technics speakers, Canon speakers, Bastanis Dragonfly Horns, REL Storm III sub, Target R1 speaker stands, Atacama Equinox.

  2. #1412
    Join Date: Mar 2008

    Location: Galashiels

    Posts: 13,689
    I'm inthescottishmafia.

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    “Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of fuel. Sentimental people call it inspiration, but what they really mean is fuel. I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio”

    Hunter S Thompson

  3. #1413
    Join Date: Mar 2008

    Location: Galashiels

    Posts: 13,689
    I'm inthescottishmafia.

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    “Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of fuel. Sentimental people call it inspiration, but what they really mean is fuel. I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio”

    Hunter S Thompson

  4. #1414
    Join Date: Nov 2013

    Location: Powys

    Posts: 1,199
    I'm David.

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    A man calls up the White House and informs them he wants to be the next President of the United States

    The person answering the phone berates him: "Are you an idiot?"

    The caller is silent for a while then answers: "Is it compulsory?"

  5. #1415
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming:

    One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree. "Wow! I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

    The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said. "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

    So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward the island.

    The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking the other guy had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, unconscious.

    They went over to her and discovered she was alive.

    One said to the other. "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

    The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked. "Out of what?"
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  6. #1416
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    Excellent stuff Mad - moon
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  7. #1417
    Join Date: Oct 2015

    Location: Woodmancote, West Sussex

    Posts: 1,629
    I'm Ian.

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    Turntable
    Toshiba SR-370/Mission 774/Van Damme cable with MS Starline plugs/Ortofon Quintet Black
    CD
    Cambridge CXC transport/modified Musical Fidelity X-DAC/modified Musical Fidelity X-10 V3 tube buffer
    Network Player
    Cambridge NP30
    Amplifier
    Denon HA-500 head amp/Nakamichi CA-5E pre-amp/Chinese passive RVC/Proton AA-1150 DMC power amp
    Speakers
    Mordaunt Short Signifer on original factory stands
    Cables
    Mogami with Rean Neutrik plugs/NVA LS5
    Headphones
    Sennheiser HD600/Sennheiser HD650/Koss Pro4 AA

  8. #1418
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
    Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
    they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
    at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
    The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
    should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
    Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
    could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
    value for money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
    meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
    Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
    accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
    meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
    Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before !!!!!

    Thought it apt for here !!
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  9. #1419
    Alex_UK's Avatar
    Alex_UK is offline Spotify + Facebook Moderator / Chilled-Out Wino and only here for the shilling
    Join Date: Aug 2009

    Location: Sunny Suffolk, UK

    Posts: 15,952
    I'm WrappingALilacCurtainAroundMyBobby.

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    Alex

    Main System: Digital: HP Laptop/M2Tech Hiface/Logitech Media Server/FLAC; Marantz SA7001 KI Signature SACD Player and other digital stuff into Gatorised Beresford Caiman DAC Vinyl: Garrard 401/SME 3009 SII Improved/Sumiko HS/Nagaoka MP-30
    Amplifier: Rega Brio R. Speakers: Spendor SP1. Cables: Various, mainly Mark Grant.
    Please see "about me" for the rest of my cr@p! Gallery


    A.o.S. on Facebook - A.o.S. on Spotify - A.o.S. on Twitter

    There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing and be nothing Aristotle

  10. #1420
    Join Date: Dec 2010

    Location: North Lincs

    Posts: 193
    I'm Keith.

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    Only another ten years and I'll have forgotten going to Weatherspoons; then again probably no bad thing

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