Jokes & Funnies

[Roy S]

[Barry]

Brilliant!

[alphaGT]

That indicates that the car has taken a dump!

Russ

[Audio Al]

One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast.

The bartender looks at him and says, "F@&£ing hell! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The f@&£ing circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a f@&£ing big hole in the middle?" says the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.


The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the f@ck would they want a plasterer?”

[Audio Al]

True or false?

Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat ?

[mr sneff]

[alphaGT]

Only a month and a half old, a woman takes a baby for his very first doctor’s visit. Upon examining the baby, the doctor says, “This child is thin, is he breast fed or bottle fed?”. And the woman answers, “Breast fed”. So the doctor instructs her to strip down to the waist, and she complies. He very professionally examines her breast, squeezing them and pinching the nipples, and then he says, “No wonder the child is thin, you don’t have any milk!”. She says, “I know, I’m the child’s grandmother, but I’m still glad I came!”.

Russell

[mr sneff]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

[struth]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

good one David

[Marco]

Quality!

Marco.