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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1231
    Join Date: May 2016

    Location: Milton Keynes

    Posts: 3,577
    I'm Andrew.

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    Quote Originally Posted by nonuffin View Post
    A man walks into a pub, perches on a bar stool and orders a pint of lager.

    While he is supping his pint, he cannot help but notice three large sweet jars crammed full of £10 notes sat on a shelf behind the bar. He calls the landlord over and asks why those jars are full to the brim with £10 notes. The landlord replies they are the entry fees for the pub challenge that nobody has yet won. The man asks what exactly the pub challenge is, but the landlord says he must cough up the tenner first before he tells him. So the man duly hands over the tenner and the landlord quickly puts it into one of the jars.

    It is then explained to him that the pub challenge is in three parts; he must drink an entire bottle of Tequila in one go without stopping, which will help him greatly in the second part of the challenge, which is to go out into the yard where his Rottweiler has a bad tooth which needs to be extracted. Two vets have been ripped to shreds even trying getting close to the dog and he is even nastier nowadays. The final part of the challenge is to go upstairs to the bedroom of the landlord's mother who at 90 years of age has never had an orgasm, so if the man can drink the Tequila, pull the dog's bad tooth and give mother an orgasm, he then wins the contents of all the jars.

    After pint number three went down his neck for some courage, the man decides he will give it a go. The landlord hands him a bottle of Tequila and pops a pair of pliers into the man's pocket and tells him to begin when ready.

    It took a full three minutes to drink the entire bottle of Tequila and by the end of that he was getting rather woozy so off he weaves towards the door out to the yard. No sooner had the door closed behind the man than a tremendous noise broke out of barking, snarling and growling which got louder and louder by the minute. After five minutes though the barking started to subdue, then some very gentle whimpering and then complete silence . . . . . . . . . .

    The landlord was just about to call for an ambulance, when the man comes back through the door from the yard and what a sight he presented. All his clothes were completely ripped to shreds with blood dripping from hundreds of bite marks, but he was still standing and had a broad grin on his face.

    "Now then" the man says, where is this little old lady with the bad tooth?



    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  2. #1232
    Join Date: Apr 2018

    Location: South East Cornwall

    Posts: 322
    I'm Dominic.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pigmy Pony View Post
    Jokes are often a reflection of life taken to an absurd degree, but can only work if there is some truth to it.
    There is masses of truth in the lawnmower gag. Even today there are numbers of white folks who have entire families living in a shed in the garden as the home help and the in laws were no exception.
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  3. #1233
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 14,592
    I'm Steve.

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    Old man talking to Bill Beef-Curtains, the local butcher:

    "Hello Bill, where's young Colin this morning?"

    "I had to let him go. I caught him putting his dick in the bacon slicer."

    "Oh dear that's terrible! What about the bacon slicer?"

    "I sacked her as well."
    I just dropped in, to see what condition my condition was in

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    Forget the past, it's gone. And don't worry about the future, it doesn't exist. There is only NOW.

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  4. #1234
    Join Date: Apr 2018

    Location: South East Cornwall

    Posts: 322
    I'm Dominic.

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    Two brothers married two sisters on the same day, at the same church and honeymooned in the same hotel.

    So, to make things a bit different, they decided to have a consumation race, whereby they compete to see how many times they can couple up with their new brides. The older brother says "No contest, I will be the winner" and the younger brother said "No chance, I am more virile than you are". No sooner had the bedroom doors closed, the younger brother starts going at it hammer and tongs. The older brother then gives his new bride a large portion and puts a "1" on the bedpost, then again another portion at 1.00am in the morning and draws another "1" on the bedpost and finally at 3.30 in the morning and puts yet another "1" on the bedpost.

    8.00am the next morning the younger brother comes into the older brother's bedroom supremely confident he was the best and looks at the numbers on the bedpost. He said "Hells bells, a hundred and eleven, you beat me by one!"
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  5. #1235
    Join Date: Jul 2014

    Location: Shropshire

    Posts: 2,420
    I'm Anto.

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    Unashamedly robbed from Facebook,

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
    The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$150"
    Man - "Sold."
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
    Boy - "$350"
    Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    The boy says, "$500"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
    I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
    I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work

  6. #1236
    Join Date: Jan 2009

    Location: Essex

    Posts: 31,853
    I'm openingabottleofwine.

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    Now that did make me laugh!
    Barry

  7. #1237
    Join Date: Dec 2010

    Location: North Lincs

    Posts: 193
    I'm Keith.

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    Did you hear about the Chameleon that couldn't change colour. It was a reptile dysfunction.

  8. #1238
    Join Date: Jan 2008

    Location: Norwich

    Posts: 1,064
    I'm Mike.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marra View Post
    Did you hear about the Chameleon that couldn't change colour. It was a reptile dysfunction.
    I like that.

    I went to my local G.P. and after initial tests, she told me that I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked why, she said " because I'm trying to examine you".

    Used to have a successful racing snail, so to reduce weight for even more speed, I took its shell off. Didn't work, though; simply made him more sluggish.

    Bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer last week. No idea what he'd done to them but I was tripping all day.

    I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows far too high. She looked surprised.

    Conjuctivitis.com really is a site for sore eyes.

    It has now been discovered that the two grave-diggers who had been seen wandering aimlessly around the cemetery for hours in south Devon had simply lost the plot.

  9. #1239
    Join Date: Nov 2011

    Location: Romford

    Posts: 11,057
    I'm sorted.

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  10. #1240
    Join Date: Apr 2012

    Location: N E Kent

    Posts: 51,624
    I'm Geoff.

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    An 'Einsteinian' solution!

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