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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1191
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 1,254
    I'm Russell.

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Marco View Post
    Lol - and was the idiot planning on cycling on the road afterwards? I'd subject cyclists to the same rules on drink 'driving', as car drivers, as a pished cyclist is just as dangerous to have on the road as a drunk driver!

    Marco.
    Yes but being run down by a bicycle is not as hazardous as being run down by a car! If I had to choose. Still no fun.

    Russell

  2. #1192
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 1,254
    I'm Russell.

    Default

    A man comes into the hardware store with his recently purchased chain saw. He tells the clerk, “Something is wrong with this chainsaw, it took me all day long to cut up a cord of wood!”. The clerk says, “Well let’s take a look at it”, and he pulls the rope and it fires up”, BRRRR! And the customer says, “What’s that noise!”

    Russell

  3. #1193
    Join Date: Nov 2013

    Location: Powys

    Posts: 878
    I'm David.

    Default Who says vinyl is dead?


  4. #1194
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 1,549
    I'm Steve.

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    Where did you dig that one up?
    'I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested'

  5. #1195
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 1,254
    I'm Russell.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mr sneff View Post
    Is that a Greatful Dead album?

    Russ

  6. #1196
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 1,549
    I'm Steve.

    Default

    I like that!
    'I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested'

  7. #1197
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 1,254
    I'm Russell.

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    Quote Originally Posted by alphaGT View Post
    Is that a Greatful Dead album?

    Russ
    A preacher goes to visit the elderly organist of his church for tea. He arrives and takes a seat, and waits while the old girl makes the tea. While waiting, he sees a bowl of water on her pedal organ, with a condom floating in it! He’s not quite sure what to make of it? So the elderly woman returns with the tea, and he has to ask, “what can you tell me about this bowl?”. She tells him, “I was walking in the park and found this little wrapper, and it said on it to place on the organ, keep it wet, and it will help prevent disease!”, “And you know, I haven’t had the flu all Winter!”.

    Russell

  8. #1198
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 1,549
    I'm Steve.

    Default

    I tried posting this months ago, but it didn't happen. Maybe it was deemed 'inappropriate' or more likely something I did wrong.

    A long, long time ago, when I was about 20, I was in a nightclub and got chatting to this very attractive woman. She was a lot older than me, at least double my age, but she clearly looked after herself.

    A few drinks later, and we were both quite drunk, she said "Have you ever fancied a mother & daughter threesome?" I replied that although I'd never thought about it, I was always open to trying something new.

    So we left to go back to her place, and when we went through the front door she shouted up the stairs: "Hey mum! You still awake?"
    'I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested'

  9. #1199
    Join Date: Apr 2015

    Location: Central Virginia

    Posts: 1,254
    I'm Russell.

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Pigmy Pony View Post
    I tried posting this months ago, but it didn't happen. Maybe it was deemed 'inappropriate' or more likely something I did wrong.

    A long, long time ago, when I was about 20, I was in a nightclub and got chatting to this very attractive woman. She was a lot older than me, at least double my age, but she clearly looked after herself.

    A few drinks later, and we were both quite drunk, she said "Have you ever fancied a mother & daughter threesome?" I replied that although I'd never thought about it, I was always open to trying something new.

    So we left to go back to her place, and when we went through the front door she shouted up the stairs: "Hey mum! You still awake?"
    Lol!

    Russell

  10. #1200
    Join Date: Jun 2014

    Location: Chorley Lancs

    Posts: 1,549
    I'm Steve.

    Default

    Here's an old one from the late great Tommy Cooper:

    I was having a clear out in the attic when I came across a painting and an old violin. I took them to an antiques dealer to see if they were worth anything.

    "Well," he said, "The good news is that here you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is that Stradivarius couldn't paint for toffee, and Picasso was rubbish at making violins".
    'I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested'

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